Well, the follicle fun is about to end. It turns out that having facial hair hurts “lethality,” so the Secretary of War/Defense decided to give service members an ultimatum: Find a way to shave every day within a year or be separated from service.
Of course, this probably won’t apply to the most lethal of us, the special operators, who grow beards so they can blend in with their surroundings. Of course, a muscular white guy that is armed to the teeth while suited and booted won’t blend in in a place like Afghanistan. But give him a beard and the locals won’t know the difference. But I digress.
Most service members probably would like more lax shaving standards, especially when overseas. Having to shave every day with a dull razor and cold water was the highlight of my mornings in Iraq, but at least I looked “lethal.” Being a brown guy, however, it would have made more sense for me to grow a beard, as I would have blended in with the local population better than the Special Forces guys, but again, I digress.
Over the centuries, military men have skipped the shave part of sh*t, shower, and shave in order to intimidate the enemy, impress women, blend in, not blend in, or because their skin was like “too much man, stop!”
Then there was the war where most combatants didn’t even try to shave every day. We can’t discuss beards without mentioning the Civil War, truly the heyday of facial hair. If there was a Golden Age where you got to show off your masculinity and individualism, then it was that war. It’s also worth mentioning that the Civil War happened to be the most lethal war in American history.
To honor the power of American facial hair, here are some of the Civil War’s best beards, in no particular order.
1. Maj. Gen. Carter Littlepage Stevenson
He may have fought for the Confederacy, but he looked good doing it. He ended up getting beaten at Vicksburg, Chattanooga, and surrendered to Gen. William T. Sherman, but the sideburns were legendaryand we’re willing to bet Sherman never forgot them.
2. Maj. Gen. James Ewell Brown (J.E.B.) Stuart
J.E.B. Stuart was a staunch foe of the United States Army until he was killed in 1864. A West Pointer who later joined the Army of Northern Virginia, he became known for his actions fighting under Robert E. Lee. But he also has the original “operator” beard. Every special forces guy in the War on Terror may have tried to emulate Stuart, whether they knew it or not, but none came close to achieving his glorious Civil War beard.
3. Lt. Gen. John McAllister Schofield
Schofield commanded the Army of the Frontier and helped decimate the rebels in Tennessee. He also later served as Secretary of War (back when it was the real, official title). But he also should have been Secretary of Beards for this glorious look. There’s no doubt his ZZ Top beard and Army uniform made him a sharp-dressed man.
4. Maj. Gen. Christopher C. Augur
Maj. Gen. Christopher C. Augur cut his chops battling American Indians in the Pacific Northwest before the war. When the Civil War started, he brought his mutton chops with him to help save the country. Augur’s facial philosophy must have been “If you are going to grow chops, make them look like the type you would get at an expensive steakhouse.”
5. Rear Adm. John Lorimer Worden
The Confederates must have seen Rear Adm. John Lorimer Worden sailing toward them on the new ironclad USS Monitor and thought, “Great Merlin’s Beard!” The combo of an armored ship and a wizard beard would have spooked any man. The battle between the Monitor and Virginia (also known as the Merrimac) may have been a stalemate, but no one is talking about the Confederate captain’s Civil War beard, so we know who really won the battle.
6. Maj. Gen. Ambrose Burnside
The man whose facial hair was so nice, they named facial hair after him. Burnside had an up-and-down career in the Army. He was Commander of the Army of the Potomac but was replaced, mostly for losing. He lost at Petersburg but won at Knoxville. His replacement for the Army of the Potomac? Hooker. Yes, the man we named sideburns for was replaced by the man who popularized the term “hooker.” What a country!
Of course, the advent of gas masks and the need for conformity made beards (in the Army and Marine Corps) out of regs. But now that gas mask seals are better and we know that beards don’t interfere with carrying out operations (see special operations), maybe we can just let the troops go to town. We need a new Burnside to give us new sideburns.
