Sometimes you just got to break it down, “Barney-style,” for some soldiers. You know, instruct them in such an easy-to-follow manner that even a kid watching Barney could understand.
As much as we’d all like to pretend that no one in our unit got into the Army through an ASVAB waiver, the fact remains: There’re friggin’ idiots everywhere who need to be told exactly what to do. There are so many simple instructions in the Army, designed so that even our crayon-eating Marine brothers could easily follow them.
These are our favorite, dumbed-down directions.
5. Claymore Mine
Need to set up a Claymore anti-personnel mine, but you’re not quite sure which direction it’s supposed to be pointed? Just remember: front toward enemy.
Mess that up and everyone who’s left in your unit will f*cking hate you.
4. Army Combatives
If you’ve never had the opportunity to glance through the old-school Army Combatives Manual, you’re missing out.
You’re skipping out on learning lovely, advanced techniques, like how to uppercut someone, how to palm-strike someone in the chin, and, of course…
The much-joked-about, flameless heater in the MRE seems simple enough. Put in water, fold the ends, and lean against a “rock or something.”
It actually was meant as a joke when the designer said, “I don’t know. Let’s make it a rock or something.”
Pretend you’ve never touched a rocket launcher before. How would you hold it?
Thankfully, the instructions include a tiny drawing and the words, “fire like this.”
1. Army Combat Boots
It’s so simple. It’s written in black and white. Our boots are not authorized for flight or combat use.
Come on, guys. What kind of idiot would void the warranty like that? Oh…