From the moment you arrive to the day you graduate, Marine Corps boot camp is the worst time of your life. Thankfully, during a recruit’s time at the Marine Corps Recruit Depot, he or she can find ways to temporarily postpone the mental and physical ass-kicking.
The art of avoiding work and responsibilities, better known as “skating,” will follow us for the rest of our military careers, but it always starts at the same place: boot camp.
You can spend all day sitting at medical to skate out of the day’s event. This method, if used too often, will earn you a prime spot on the shitlist.
2. Getting your wisdom teeth pulled
This way sucks, but you get 3 days sick-in-quarters where you don’t leave the squad bay, and then you get another 5 days of light duty, where you aren’t allowed to run or lift heavy things.
3. Getting stuck on working parties
If you’re stuck on a working party while everyone else is training, you’ll probably want to take your time to finish the job at hand.
4. Have a penicillin allergy
This one is really a gift and a curse. The benefit of being allergic to penicillin is that you get to leave the squad bay early on Friday mornings to go to breakfast ahead of your platoon so you can get to medical and receive a special antibiotic pill.
Not only can this get you out of any morning training, but it gets you out of having to get the infamous peanut-butter shot. The downside, however, is that it comes with some crappy side effects, like diarrhea.
Scribes help the drill instructors compile lists and keep track of information regarding the recruits in their respective platoons. The reason this is such a great way to skate is, oftentimes, these lists need to be made and revised during training events, so scribes can skip out — especially when it’s phase 3 and the Crucible is only days away.
The big thing about being a scribe is making the nightly fire watch list. In fact, some scribes choose to exempt themselves from this list (Note: If you’re not a scribe, it’s good to make friends with one).
What are some other ways to skate in Marine Corps boot camp?
As of March 19, 2020, novel coronavirus has been responsible for a global pandemic that has infected more than 267,000 people, killed over 11,000, and left many more jobless. As a new virus, there has been an international race to find a vaccine to slow the rate of infection.
In a stunning development, U.S. Marine Corps officials have announced that they found a cure in an unlikely yet very familiar place: a box of crayons.
In an exclusive interview with Coffee or Die, General William G. Busey, commander of Marine Forces Command, said that the development was discovered by three young Marine lance corporals quarantined at 29 Palms, California.
“For generations, our brave Marines have answered the nation’s call no matter the stakes. With the fate of the world on the line and literally nothing else to do, three young Marines — quarantined in the closest replica of hell that we have on earth — volunteered to contract COVID-19, and then do what they do best: eat crayons. And it worked!”
The three Marines are in stable condition and are now undergoing further medical tests to evaluate just how many crayons are needed to cure the virus. Early testing suggests that a 24-pack isn’t enough, while a 64-pack is too much.
“I mean, I think contracting coronavirus was actually kind of nice,” said Lance Corporal Shane Geller, one of the three volunteers for the groundbreaking test. “29 Palms is fucking terrible, so I thought it was pretty unlikely that the virus could make my life as a mortarman in the Marines any worse. And I mean, who’s gonna turn down free Crayola snacks? It was a no-brainer for me.”
For fellow Marines, the announcement was not a surprise. “No Marine Corps insider is shocked by this revelation,” said Jack Mandaville, a Marine Corps veteran. He then went on to clarify, unprompted, that “there are no ex-Marines — a Marine is a Marine. And all Marines are riflemen. And they don’t die, they just regroup in hell. Semper fi. Hey, wanna see my eagle, globe, and anchor? It’s earned, not issued.”
Editor’s note: Just in case you haven’t figured it out, this is a satire article and is in no way meant to be an accurate depiction of actual events. Stay safe, and wash your hands!
When it comes to discipline, Marines are top tier. The Navy can learn a lot from Marines and have plenty of opportunities to do so while on a ship. Unfortunately for sailors, the kind of discipline Marines have is learned during their boot camp, which is actually hard.
2. Navy “camouflage” uniforms.
We get it, you’re sailors. Your camouflage blends in with water – but that’s the problem. I’ve seen those coveralls you wear on a ship, so I understand you don’t wear the blue digitals when you’re underway, but those coveralls are blue, too. What are you going to do when someone falls off the ship at night?
It’s no secret the Marines get the scraps from the Department of Navy’s funds (don’t get me started on that). The Navy likely needs it for those big-ass boats. But how many of those mugs in the wardroom were purchased with government money?
Come on, now.
4. Marines are a department of the Navy.
Yeah, I’m getting started on that. Everyone already knows we’re the men’s department. We use your boats to get around on deployments, but beyond that, our relationship isn’t all that special.
You’re like that weird relative that always brings up unnecessary politics at Thanksgiving dinner.
5. “Ship tax.”
We understand that everyone living on a ship is subject to the “ship tax.” For anyone who doesn’t know, it’s basically where everyone pays a toll to the captain. A sailor or Marine must perform a special duty on the ship.
This usually devolves into Marines working in the trash room with the Navy’s “special” sailors.
6. Ranks and rates.
When I first joined the Marine Corps, I thought I had a grasp of the Navy’s ranks. I knew it would hold some importance during my time, but I was sadly mistaken.
When I got to the Fleet Marine Force, I learned that the Navy also had rates which are specific to their job. Long story short, it’s just too confusing for Marines.
7. Navy deployments vs Marine deployments
Navy deployments are frequent — just like that annoying ex — and more frequent than Marine deployments. Sure, Marines have to do all that pre-deployment combat training, but this Infantry Marine would have enjoyed more deployments.
Spread the love, guys.
8. The Navy is our closest sibling
The relationship between the branches of the armed forces is unique, but the relationship between the Navy and Marine Corps is one of a kind.
As long as both have existed, they’ve been working symbiotically with each other. Marines are amphibious, so they need the Navy’s ships to get around. But at the end of the day, it’s a sibling rivalry.
Just like brothers, we give each other crap for everything.
Many service members can recall their recruiter’s insistence that they will be swarmed with the attention of beautiful women as soon as they graduate from basic. For the most part, this claim is incorrect.
There are those who are absolutely into the fact that you signed on the dotted line. One can usually find them within close proximity to a military base, keeping always on the alert, and searching for their future spouse. Of course this would never happen to you but, if you think your buddy is in a relationship with someone like this, there are signs to look for:
You walk into the bar just outside base, have a seat with your boys, you all are celebrating finally making it to fleet. You walk to the bar for another round when she taps you on the shoulder. She is gorgeous — you’ve never talked to girl like this, much less had one approach you. Must be your lucky day right? Well…
5. She asks if you are married, not if you’re single
Ok, maybe it’s just you — after all, you’re much more fit than you used to be and she doesn’t even know you serve. How could she? (haircut, farmer’s tan, affliction t-shirt) Then she asks if you are married. Not if you are single — but if you are married. This is a little to the point but maybe she just knows what she wants. Maybe she saw you and just fell in love.
4. She knows your contract better than you
You let her know that you are not married, that you live in the barracks, and have your meals at the chow hall. She informs you that if you were married you could live off base and could eat whatever you want, whenever you want.
3. She explains BAH to you
You kindly explain to her that you wouldn’t be able to afford to live off base and the cost of groceries is also a little steep. She smiles at you the same way an adult does a child, pats you on the head and says, “Oh sweetie, you sweet ignorant little thing, the basic allowance for housing is X amount of dollars here which is more than enough for us to live in a small place, not to mention the basic allowance for subsistence which would get you off that prison food in the chow hall.”
2. She proposes to you just before deployment.
So you’ve been dating now for two-weeks and things are getting serious. She sits on your rack and stares at her phone while you play video games in your barracks room. Things are perfect, until you hear her say it. “You should get married before you deploy.” (Pauses game, turns slowly)
“They’d pay you so much more: BAH, SAH, separations pay, hazardous duty pay, baby you’d clean up.”
So you are married now, congratulations. First deployment is about to be underway, and where is your new bride? She was at the dentist on Monday, the dermatologist on Tuesday, optometrist Wednesday, and seems to have a healthy relationship with the ear nose and throat doctor. It may be time for you to make an appointment with the proctologist, because this is all highly suspect.
Skating is an art form which most people will never fully learn — until now. In 1986, Paramount pictures released “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” which taught countless teens how to play sick and get out of school.
Written and directed by the legendary John Hughes, the film focuses on a teenager who embarks on an incredible journey throughout Chicago while being unknowingly stalked by his high school principal.
While taking the day off, Bueller and his two friends learn more about themselves in a day than they would ever expect.
So check out our list of how Bueller taught us the art of the skate.
1. Be convincing
First, come up with an epic excuse why you’re unable to partake in a military activity (like going to work), and make sure you sell that sh*t like Bueller sold being sick to his parents.
Getting a “Sick in Quarters” slip is the goal if you’re in the military.
I hope I look sick enough. (Source: Paramount/Screenshot)
2. Use your assets properly
Unfortunately, Bueller doesn’t have a car to drive himself around. So once he officially earns his day off via his parents, it’s time to get on the phone and find someone to pick you up.
Skating should be a team effort, but make sure you repay the favor and help someone else skate on another day.
3. Know the loopholes
Here, Bueller hacks the school’s computer absence program and changes how many days he has been absent. You probably won’t have this ability unless you have a special security clearance, but the moral of this story is to understand your limits.
For instance, if your boss isn’t going to be around — you’re not going to be around. Get it? Good.
4. Have an epic backstory
During roll call, Bueller’s name is called out several times before this hot girl (Kristy Swanson) gives the teacher a bullsh*t reason why he isn’t in school. It works well during military roll call when the service member calling out names just wants to get on with the day and not hear any excuses — another loophole.
5. Play the role
In the event you get an unknown phone call or run into someone outside your skating circle, divert into the sick mode ASAP.
Ferris uses his best buddy Cameron to impersonate his girlfriend’s dad to get her out of school. Now, you probably won’t have to do all that, but it’s awesome to have military friends who are willing to skate alongside you that you trust.
There has probably never been a more symbiotic relationship than the one between a war-fighter and their alcohol. Roman Centurions and wine. Vikings and mead. Samurai and sake. American troops and whatever is cheapest on non-first and fifteenth weekends.
We have a storied history with our booze.
I like to think that I put my liver through its rounds, but looking through military history — damn. If I went drink for drink with some of the best, I’d get drunk under the table by the greatest minds the world has ever known.
This beer goes out to the badasses who have awesome stories to talk about over one — and who would still probably carry my ass back to the taxi.
5. William the Conqueror
As the last ruler to successfully conquer England in almost a thousand years, William I lived up to the viking heritage of the Normans. For an over-simplification of what William did, think of Robert Baratheon from Game of Thrones.
The story goes, as King of England, William I threw lavish parties for his guests. Because he left his viking lifestyle and worries about consolidating power behind him, he became fat as f*ck.
To the point that his horse would be in great pain.
This diet, surprisingly enough, didn’t lead to his death — unless you attribute him falling face first off his horse because it bucked his rotund rear off it. Then maybe.
4. Napoleon Bonaparte
Napoléon visiting the cellars Moët Chandon in 1807. (Painting via Chateau Loisel)
The man most credited with why we open bottles of Champagne with a sword, Napoleon and his Hussars were famous for drinking the bubbly.
“Champagne! In victory one deserves it; in defeat one needs it” was Napoleon’s famous toast.
Napoleon and his men would frequent the hotel of Madame Clicquot, a beautiful business woman who was widowed young. The Emperor of France’s men would always try to woo her but she would just keep making money off their drunk asses.
3. Ulysses S. Grant
The stories of the 18th President of the United States and his drinking were historic when he was still a young officer. As a Captain, his drinking from the night before lead to a forced resignation by then Colonel Robert Buchanan. The two had mutual animosity for many years before then.
“I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals,” remarked Abraham Lincoln on Grant’s alcoholism.
The outbreak of the American Civil War brought him back into the fold where he would then rise to General of the Army with Major General Buchanan underneath him. At the age of 46, Grant won the 1868 election in a landslide and urged for the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment and the proper treatment of Native Americans.
2. George S. Patton
The Father of American Armor himself shared his love with his armored divisions with a mixed drink he called “Armored Diesel.” He said it would build camaraderie within the division and pride.
The drink was made with many different bourbons, whiskeys, and scotches, however, the Patton Museum officially lists his drink as being: bourbon, shaved ice, sugar, and lemon juice.
“You can’t run an army without profanity; and it has to be eloquent profanity. An army without profanity couldn’t fight its way out of a piss-soaked paper bag.” — Patton on swearing.
Patton was also very close with another great WWII leader and alcohol enthusiast, Winston Churchill.
Which brings us to…
1. Winston Churchill
There may be no military leader with a more celebrated and documented history with alcohol than Winston Churchill. Professor Warren Kimball of Rutgers authored several biographies on him saying, “Churchill was not an alcoholic because no alcoholic could drink that much!” He was amused when people said he had a “bottomless capacity” for alcohol.
“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” —Churchill on drinking in moderation.
He would drink heavily during every meal, including breakfast. In pure amazement, the King of Saudi Arabia said that “his absolute rule of life requires drinking before, during, and after every meal.”
Who would you grab a beer with? Let us know in the comment section.
So check out these epic weapon fails from people who hopefully learned a lesson.
1. Trying out the elephant gun. Take #1
Remember, keep that buttstock pressed HARD to the shoulder, or this will happen.
This is what happens when the rifle weights more than the shooter. (Images via Giphy)
2. The single-handed, teenage rifle slinger
This teenager needs to use 2-points of positive control and build some muscle.
He meant to do that. (Images via Giphy)
3. Trying out the elephant gun. Take #2
Maybe put it on a bipod and go prone bro.
People never seem to learn. (Images via Giphy)
4. Quickdraw McGraw over here just shot himself.
Even the seasoned pros make mistakes, but g*ddamn this is bad. Remember, finger off the trigger until your sights are on target.
This is why we can’t have nice things. (Images via Giphy)
5. He’s so good, he shot his own cover right off his head.
This would have been a cool trick if it were a magic trick. Rule #1 and #3: treat all guns as if they’re loaded and never let the muzzle cover anything you aren’t willing to destroy (unless he really, really didn’t like that hat).
Worst weapons inspection ever. (Images via Giphy)
6.Trying out the elephant gun. Take #3
I guess he won the “who could fire this big ass rifle contest?”
At least this guy held on this time. (Images via Giphy)
7. What happens when someone gets super high and attempts to operate a heavy machine gun.
Where were these guys at when my unit was deployed?
How long have we been at war with these guys again? (Images via Giphy)
8.This is proof that ghosts can and will shoot you if you’re not being careful.
His Uncle Tanner just got his payback from beyond the grave.
We bet he bought a gun rack as soon as he was released from the hospital. (Images via Giphy)
9. The shirtless gangster.
We’re going to leave this alone.
That’s what we call “gangsta.” Thug life b*tches. (Images via Giphy)
A U.S. Marine stationed aboard any Naval vessel enjoys a lifestyle very similar to that of cargo. Marines are often sequestered to their color coordinated quarters (ours were red) where they sleep in coffin racks, are given a small window of time to utilize the gym, and in some cases even have separate hours for chow.
All of these measures actually have a purpose, and that is to keep green side (Marines) and blue side (Navy) separate.
However, there are jobs Marines can be volunteered for, jobs involving laundry, trash, and foodservice. Lucky enough for this young leatherneck, having a culinary degree puts you to work aboard the U.S.S. New Orleans in the galley.
So there I was, a twenty-two year old Corporal with a culinary degree being put to work as leader of the night shift aboard a navy vessel. There were no sailors under my charge, which I found to be slightly condescending, but that’s of no consequence. On my team there were no less than three infantry Marines with zero cooking experience and one supply Marine from Baton Rouge, LA, which is plenty of cooking experience on its own. We were tasked with prepping the next days lunch and dinner meals, baking fresh bread, and preparing and serving breakfast.
Unbeknownst to my crew and me, a U.S. submarine submerged at periscope depth in the straight of Hormuz was soon to make its move. The U.S.S. Hartford is a Los Angeles class Navy submarine that had a date with destiny in the form of a San Antonio class amphibious transport dock ship, the U.S.S. New Orleans. After 63 days at sea, it would seem that the crew of the Hartford had had enough and decided to break up the monotony with a little fender bender.
Meanwhile aboard the New Orleans in the ship’s galley were five Marines working diligently. I remember quite vividly the jarring vibration of a f**king submarine crashing into a war ship, causing a mess. I was making pancakes at the time (and none were lost — not bragging just saying).
An infantry Corporal came running in asking if I could spare one of my guys, who happened to be one of his junior Marines. I calmly approved and the Corporal decided to start screaming at his young troop to get his weapon and gear because we were under attack. The young Marine yelled back, “Yes Corporal!” before running to his quarters.
He soon returned, showcasing his, “I thought I was finally going to get to shoot my rifle in combat” face of disappointment. The rest of the crew replied with laughter and taunts.
One of our battalion’s intel Marines informed us that our theories — we hit a whale, we ran aground, we were attacked by pirates — were not only incorrect, but the hapless ramblings of the simple-minded. He then told us we would not be allowed to call out or use the internet, that all coms were being controlled, and that we were hit by our own submarine. We took him seriously until that last part.
After breakfast was ready and the crew sat down to eat in the ship’s mess area, we turned on the television for some news. We were surprised to see that not only was everything intel said true, but also that we had leaked around 25,000 gallons of diesel fuel into the straights. We ended up dry-docking the ship on an island off the coast of Saudi Arabia known as Bahrain.
Beautiful location, lots of black flags — if you’ve never been, I don’t recommend it.
After six weeks of dry dock repairs, the New Orleans was back in the ocean ready for duty. It was determined that the incident was solely the fault of the Hartford and its Captain, who was relieved of command along with others. Damages to the New Orleans totaled $2.3 million dollars, which may seem like a lot until compared with the $120 million dollar price tag attached to the Hartford repairs.
I actually had a beer with one of the crew of the U.S.S. Hartford. We compared stories of the incident in which he shared with me that the submarine spun like a football — nearly 90 degrees in the water (a lot for a sub). The collision trashed the entire ship and administered one of the most jarring wake-up calls in U.S. naval history.