9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands - We Are The Mighty
Humor

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

The knife-hand is a staple gesture in the military. It conveys a sense of power from those who use it wisely and temporarily cripples those who get one stuck in their face.


Delivering the proper knife-hand takes skill, and each one is special in its own subtle way.

Related: This video answers the question of the casualty radius of Mattis’ knife hand

9. The “re-adjusting” knife-hand

This knife-hand is being perfectly deployed to let this boot know his hand salute wasn’t up to freakin’ par. There, that’s better.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

8. The famous “get ready for freakin’ boot camp” knife-hand

These knife-hands are meant to be up-close and personal with the “poolee,” as this is the first of many to come.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

7. The “double-hand” knife-hand

This type of knife-hand is becoming an endangered species, as it takes a mighty human to deliver such a gesture. This double-handed gesture can be specially deployed when talking to a group of screw-ups.

It’s beautiful.

#MattisForPresident

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

6. The “interview” knife-hand

This particular knife-hand is also meant to display power and convey a clear message of, “you better f*cking listen.” Notice how the general’s thumb is raised, not laid flat alongside his other fingers. Like Mattis, that’s a legit sign of a warrior.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

Also Related: This is where drill instructors come from

5. The “drive-by” knife-hand

This fine display sends the message of, “stop being a f*ck-up” as you walk by someone who is probably going to f*ck up.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
(Photo by U.S. Marine Cpl. Octavia Davis)

4. The “I can’t believe you’re eyeballin’ me” knife-hand

Sometimes, recruits and other boots eyeball the instructors and they need a quick attitude adjustment. That is all.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

3. The “are you freakin’ serious?” knife-hand

This excellent display of aggressiveness toward another soldier is remarkable. Some say there are no stupid questions. Well, in the military, there are — and this is how they’re met.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

Don’t Forget: 6 times Gunny Hartman was guilty of hazing

2. The “officer and a gentleman” knife-hand

This distinctive hand gesture is formulated especially for men who want to become Naval officers one day.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
(Photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Andre N. McIntyre)

1. The “don’t question me” knife-hand

Self-explanatory.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

Bonus: What it looks like to receive a knife-hand

They fun as hell to hand out, but they suck to receive.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

 

Articles

Someone wrote a list of 65 ways civilians can simulate military life and it’s hilarious

Almost everyone gets email forwards from their family. In the days before social media, people emailed the jokes, memes, and urban legends that populate Facebook, Tumblr, and Pinterest today. These days, it’s mostly older people that stick to forwarding emails instead of sharing via social media.


Loved ones forward things to veterans wanting to know if something about the military or life in the military is true.

This one has been circulating around the internet for a while. Its origins are hard to trace, but the authors — whomever they may be — pinpointed some of the more bizarre aspects of military life by trying to find a civilian equivalent. It’s funny to look back at things military personnel and veterans accept as a part of life, no matter how strange it may seem from the outside looking in.

65 ways civilians can simulate military life:

1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight.

2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can’t talk.

3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.

4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go.

5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you’re hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays, declare to your entire family that they can’t use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection.

8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole.

9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout “Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and do push-ups!”

10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, “Unserviceable.”

12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it’s ok for you to leave your house before 5pm.

13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away.

17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don’t run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.

18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red.

20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
That government coffee.

22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green.

24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
The barracks barber or the Exchange barber? Roll the dice.

26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don’t use them.

27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor’s lawns and call it a deployment.

28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel.

29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonald’s and NOT get promoted.

30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed.

32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don’t let them eat or sleep again for two days.

33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don’t pay attention to the menu anymore so they just ask for hot dogs.

35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you’re going to take them to Disneyland for “block leave.” When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house.

38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu.

39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, “Just making sure you’re okay.”

40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake.

41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
How you feel after that hike.

42. Don’t change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12-mile walk.

43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbor’s house. Ignore his complaints.

46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away.

47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

48. Buy a trash can, but don’t use it. Store the garbage in your hole.

49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to “check the perimeter.”

50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole.

51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again.

52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference.

53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside.

54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout “Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!” Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
You’ll never be squad leader with that attitude, Billy.

55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular “Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?” Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular “Negative contact, Lost-Three out.” Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

56. Cook a gourmet meal then eat it in the middle of a McDonald’s play place.

57. Receive 500 gallons of purified water. Only eat snow.

58. Find out your house was built on an erosion point. Burn your house down. Build new one 3 feet away.

59. Buy 10 pairs of sunglasses for your neighbors to steal.

60. When you catch above mentioned neighbors, only blame the neighbors that just moved in.

61. Dig a new hole in your front yard for a bathroom next to your original hole. Only piss in Powerade bottles.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Home is where you dig it. (U.S. Marine Corps photo)

62. When above-mentioned hole is washed away, dig a new bathroom hole 6 inches from your fresh water supply.

63. Every 2 or 3 days take your closest not-so-close friends camping across the street.

64. Shower semi-annually.

65. Have your parents take away your allowance on weekends that were a part of your vacation.

Humor

6 ways Austin Powers is way more operator than you

In 1997, Britain’s biggest playboy and best special agent Austin Powers rocked movie-goers with his bad teeth and groovy personality.


Completely backed by the powerful Ministry of Defense, Powers stopped at nothing to take down his most villainous arch-enemy, Dr. Evil, who commonly held the world hostage while putting his pinky in his mouth.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Kinda looks like Putin. (Source: New Line/ Screenshot)

Against all odds, Powers continually did his part to finish his mission, regardless of what planet or time period it took place in.

Related: The nice old man in the popular military meme is actually operator AF

So check out six ways Austin Powers is more operator than you’ll ever be.

6. He volunteered to be cryogenically frozen.

Austin was so patriotic to his country he agreed to be frozen stiff until Dr. Evil returned.

What an awful facial position to be frozen in. (Image via Giphy)

5. He has a car that can freakin’ time-travel.

While you’re driving in a hybrid, he’s chasing down terrorists jumping through time.

James Bond has nothing on Austin. (Image via Giphy)

4. Austin is known for taking out his enemies with a judo chop.

It doesn’t have to look awesome, it just needs to be effective.

He’s the only spy who can take a person out with toothpaste. (Image via Giphy)

3. Women find him completely irresistible.

In fact, some women have been known to explode because of his insanely good dance moves.

Admit it. You can’t resist him either. (Image via Giphy)

2. He’s practically rocket- and fall-proof.

Just as long as Austin has someone to stand in front of him bracing the impact — he’s good to go.

The secret to staying alive is using a female villain as a shield. (Image via Giphy)

Also Read: Newly released video shows just how operator Keanu Reeves can be

1. He can detect if there is a mole in the area.

Some operators train for years gaining the experience to find a government mole. Austin Powers found one in just a few moments.

Nothing gets passed Austin. Nothing. (Image via Giphy)Can you think of any more? Comment below.
Articles

These 17 hilarious reviews of MREs from troops in the field will bring back memories

If there’s one thing the DoD can count on soldiers to be bluntly honest about, it’s the food. In 2005, 400 soldiers from Fort Greely, Alaska, were asked to taste test a new menu of Meals, Ready to Eat for anything that might stand out to them.


There were a lot of standouts.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Fort Greely is one of the coldest places in the U.S. military. This is how they warm up. Probably. (U.S. Army photo by Staff Sgt. Daniel Love)

Fort Greely’s finest filled out the evaluation forms, which were then compiled and sent to the DoD office that manages the procurement of field rations. Grunts don’t pull punches. That’s kinda the whole point of their job.

The main result was that U.S. troops got new MREs. Luckily for us, the Smoking Gun got their hands on the actual reviews and some of the comments are gold.

1. Shakespeare:

“Cheese spread with bread is never a liked mix. Anger is usually the result.”

2. The prophet:

“I noticed this meal # was 666…I will probably die of a massive heart attack thank you for feeding me possessed food.”

3. The skeptic:

“This donut is just a brownie in a circle with crappy “frosting” what are you trying to pull?”

4. The poet:

“I believe it was the dinner meal that caused this (Chicken and Dumplings), but it sounded like a flatulence symphony in my tent all night.”

5. The biographer:

“I have disliked cabbage since childhood.”

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

6. The drama queen:

“Oh my god what were you thinking… don’t give cabbage to a soldier ever again even POWs deserve better.”

7. The fortune teller:

“The entree will only be eaten if you haven’t eaten all day.”

8. The PR Rep:

“Maybe change the name ‘Chicken Loaf,’ [it] scares me.”

9. PFC Gung Ho:

“Put Ranch Dressing on everything! Airborne!”

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

10. The guy who’s wrong about everything:

“F*ck hot sauce [put] gummy bears inside.”

11. Sgt. WTF:

“Tabasco is good in your coffee.”

12. The Obvious Sapper:

“Change the Ranger bar name to ‘Sapper Bar'”

13. The Stream of Consciousness:

“5 Veg ravioli ‘friggin’ sucks. Spiced apple ‘friggin’ rock. Apple cinn. Pound cake taste like cheap perfume. (Friggin). Is chocoletto a foreign Name crap? Pizza anything friggin rocks! Gum is good.”

14. Staff Sgt. TMI:

“This new menu has me using the latrine 3x a day.”

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
The Post-MRE Experience we all know.

15. Sgt. Maj. No Chance:

“Please bring back cigarettes.”

16. Pvt. Ungrateful:

“Jerky is very, very good. How many years did it take to figure that out?”

17. Sgt. Missing the Point:

“The name should be fiesta breakfast party. That would be funny.”

“The vanilla pudding is so good I ripped it open, Licked the inside and rolled around on top of it like a dog. I prefer not to eat anything called loaf but in this case I made an exception… thank god I DID.”

Humor

5 things only medics can get away with

Being a medic means you’re going to work long hours and be a part of an incredible unit — probably. Like any occupation, after you learn the ropes, you’ll start to spot loopholes. Eventually, you’ll learn about the privileges that let you get away with things others can’t.


It’s actually a talent to find and exploit these privileges, so take note.

Related: 5 key differences between Army medics and Navy corpsmen

Check out five things only medics can get away with — usually. Keep in mind, you have to earn respect before pulling off most of these.

1. Yelling at an officer if they try to make a medical call

We are 100% responsible for troops’ health in our units.

Medics have to first earn the power to yell at an officer through respectable service. So, once you acquire it, only use it on special occasions — and if you start yelling, you better be right.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

2. Giving your troops a day off

Typically, it’s up to the primary care manager (or PCM) to decide whether to send a troop home for the day.

But, after working under the real doctor for a while, you may inherit the duty of determining medical treatment. This could mean issuing a “sick-in-quarters” slip, giving your buddy a much-earned day off.

3. Using the “silver-bullet” as a form of motivation

The “silver-bullet” is a slang term for getting your temperature checked via your rectum — it isn’t pretty.

Waving the “silver-bullet” around is a special way docs can dissuade their brothers from falling out on crazy-long hikes. If you’re waving that sucker around and you’re not a medic… well, that’s just weird.

4. Haircuts

This power is specific to “Greenside” Corpsmen, or the Navy docs who get stationed with the Marines.

The Navy typically has a more relaxed grooming standard than their Marine brothers, so we can get away with having slightly longer hair while standing in Monday morning formation — depending on your company first sergeant.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

Although the BAS — or Battalion Aid Station — is located on a Marine base, it’s run by the Navy.

Also Read: 11 things your platoon medic would never say

5. “Ducking out” and heading back to the medical station

Sometimes, a medic’s duty requires them to be at the medical station while the rest of the platoon is out doing some worthless field exercise, like “police calling.” You might call it “ducking out,” but we prefer to call it perfect timing.

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of Dec. 30

Yes, 2016 was horrible. Luckily, there are these 13 funny military memes to help you transition to the new year.


1. Chief doesn’t care about your skulls (via Maintainer Humor).

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Actually, he probably does. Just not your feelings.

2. If you wanted to go home, you should have volunteered more during the year (via Air Force Memes Humor).

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Now, you’re on the watch list for New Year’s Eve.

ALSO SEE: US Air Force pilots donned Santa hats during Christmas Day airstrike on ISIS

3. This is why troops go through the soldier readiness center (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Actually, his men were brought down by lice.

4. “How can we make sure people know to leave the door closed?”

(via Sh-t my LPO says)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

5. “First question: Can I opt out?”

(via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

6. Ugh. don’t remind me (via The Salty Soldier).

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
But hey, only three more Christmas block leaves until ETS.

7. They only care if they’re liable (via Sh-t my LPO says).

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Once you’re gone, you’re gone.

8. The M88 can fix whatever you did wrong (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Well, it can pull your mistakes out of the desert anyway.

9. Why not both?

(via Shit my LPO says)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Just make sure to do plenty of stuff both right and wrong, so they have lots of learning opportunities.

10. If Santa keeps groping the dude’s shoulders like that, he might need the penicillin (via Military World).

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

11. At least he’s got that Air Force mustache (via Maintainer Humor).

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Hey, it’s an important Air Force tradition.

12. When your sidearm weighs 40 pounds and has an anger problem:

(via Military World)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
The left dog looks super bored with the whole procedure. “He never lets me fire the rifle.”

13. Jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, but chemtrail boxes might (via Maintainer Humor)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Knowing our luck, they would make the paratroops sit on the boxes, even when they leak.

Special bonus meme 1:

(via U.S Army W.T.F! moments)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

Special bonus meme 2:

(via The Salty Soldier)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

Humor

The 13 funniest memes for the week of Feb. 2nd

With everyone hating on some ignorant teacher for sh*t-talking the troops or an Airman for making a horrible rant video, can’t we all just band back together and hate on the real enemy? Tom Brady. So we’ll mock him. Because he can take it.


13. There’s always one in every unit.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
And technically, they’re not wrong… (Meme via Imgur)

12. We’re also experts at drinking until 0500, sneaking guests past the gate in car trunks, and putting bullets in things.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
(Meme created by WATM)

11. You wanna play chicken? I’ll play chicken.

Also Read: 6 Reasons why it would suck to be a Stormtrooper in Star Wars

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

10. “Hey, uh, Sergeant? The blinker fluid exists and is leaking.”

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
That’s 10-level. You got this. (Meme via Vet Humor)

9. Perfect for the troop trying to leave the barracks.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Who wants that app? (Meme via USAWTFM)

8. For Mattis so loved the Corps that he gave his only begotten f*ck. Mattis 3:16

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

7. Even with all of his faults, he was at least very professional.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

6. Shhh…no one tell the largest amphibious landing force about missing the largest amphibious landing. (D-Day landing at Normandy)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Or that the Tet Offensive was more than just Hue City… (Meme via Salty Soldier)

5. Ever hear a duck quack his last quack?

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
It changes a man. (Meme via Pop Smoke)

4. Next thing you know you’ll get a tactical drone strike to the face for liking your ex’s selfie.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Hell hath no fury… (Meme via Pop Smoke)

3. You hear that, guys? Some d*ckhead with a bachelor’s degree and four counts of administrative leave thinks “Uncle Sam’s College Scholarship Program” is full of idiots.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
But yeah. We’re the idiots for not taking student loans. (Meme via Military World)

2. Not only is the green grass growing, but we’re also helping lower the Global Eco-Footprint. One terrorist at a time.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
It’s kind of like driving a Prius. Only it isn’t. (Meme via Dysfunctional Veterans)

1. Apparently they don’t keep every beep at a specific interval. Starts out every 2 seconds but it changes up later.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
… and now the VA thinks I’m deaf. (Meme via Buck Sgt)

Articles

Rejoice! ‘Office Christmas Party’ is here to save the holiday

This is the party your first sergeant had nightmares about.


And yet, “Office Christmas Party” was exactly what I asked Santa for this year: it was funny and festive all the way down to Rudolph the Red-Nose pasty on some background actor’s left boob.

The throwaway lines were so fantastic I almost didn’t want to laugh — lest I miss something — but I did laugh. I “ho ho ho’d” the whole way through.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
L-R: Jennifer Aniston, Olivia Munn, Jason Bateman, and T.J. Miller in OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY. (Photo: Paramount Pictures)

Jennifer Anniston plays the Grinch-like CEO of Zenotek, who threatens to close down the branch run by her brother (played by T.J. Miller, who may have actually been Cindy Lou Who in a previous life).

Miller enlists his earnest Chief Technical Officer (Jason Bateman) and my new girl crush Olivia Munn to host an epic office Christmas party in a last-ditch effort to impress a potential client and save the branch.

We’ve seen Anniston, Miller, and Bateman play these roles before — and they’re perfectly good at them — but let’s talk about the true heroes of this film, starting with Kate McKinnon, the HR rep fighting a long, uphill battle.

McKinnon’s ability to steal a scene with but a wink is something I’ll never tire of. She is precious, especially in her non-denominational holiday sweater. Be sure to stick around for her bloopers during the credits and check out her bonus material on the film’s Facebook page.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Kate McKinnon, Jason Bateman, T.J. Miller, Olivia Munn are ready to make some Christmas magic happen. (Photo: Paramount Pictures)

Veep’s Sam Richardson turns it up when he rocks the DJ booth; he nails unassuming characters with the precision of a SEAL sniper and I never want to go to a party without his “fwam fwam fwam” again.

Then there’s Jillian Bell, perhaps best known for “Workaholics,” whose portrayal of a pimp almost makes me want to become a pimp. She definitely has me rethinking whether I should indeed take that open-carry course…

All in all, this film everything one could want from the holidays: mayhem, familial arguments with a “tap out rule,” and a killer party playlist.

Now let’s go make like a Christmas tree and get lit!

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
T.J. Miller, Courtney B. Vance, and Rob Corddry are ready to make some bad decisions. (Photo: Paramount Pictures)

Articles

How to make a movie theater with your smartphone on deployment

Being on deployment in a dangerous region means being away from your family. Most service members play soccer, read old magazines and smoke a lot of butts.


It’s not like you’re allowed to leave the FOB to hit the mall and catch a movie.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Here’s the old school way of watching movies. (Source: Out of Regs)

But you’re in luck, we’re going to show to how to craft a home theater out of some native materials and your smartphone.

Related: 7 things every Marine needs before deploying

Here’s the supplies you’ll need:

  • a shoebox or a regular box
  • X-Acto knife or bayonet
  • a pencil or pen
  • scissors
  • a magnifying glass
  • tape and/or glue
  • smartphone

Step 1: Place the magnifying glass in the center outside of the shoebox and trace around it with the pencil making a circular stencil.

Step 2: Use the X-Acto knife to cut out the traced magnifying stencil, then pop out the excess cardboard. Cut the lid or it will hang down over the magnifying glass.

Step 3: Insert a clean magnifying glass into the cut hole and secure it down with tape or glue.

(Note: paint the inside of the box with polish or black paint)

Step 4: Use the excess cardboard to make a smartphone stand.

Step 5: Invert your smartphone screen through the settings app then lock the screen on.

Step 6: Place your smartphone in the box, on the stand and place the lid on as usual.

Step 7: You can adjust focus by sliding the phone while it’s on the stand inside the box.

Step 8: Enjoy your favorite movies.

Also Read: 8 things Marines love to carry other than their weapon

(TechBuilder, YouTube)What other deployment hacks have you heard of? Comment below?
Articles

Watch these chefs try to turn Army food into gourmet cuisine

The standard U.S. Armed Forces field ration is, above all other considerations, designed to make you emotional.


Sure, an MRE needs to be nutritious. Obviously, it also needs to be lightweight, packable, durable, quick, and easy to prepare. It’s got to have a long shelf life because who knows when it’ll be called up for active duty. And at the end of the day — and not just because it’s the end of the day — the damn thing ought to taste good.

After years of research and development, laboratory refinement, and testing in the field, the military has the MRE dialed to within an inch of its life. Private, does your dinner have “Vegetable Rotini” stamped on its olive drab shrink wrap? Yes? Then, by God, you can trust that when you just add water, the thing you find rehydrated on the end of your spork will resemble a rotini (Vegetable Class) to the highest degree achievable by military science.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Our host finds his feelings at the bottom of the feed bag. (Meals Ready To Eat screenshot)

Meals Ready To Eat host August Dannehl trusted in the prowess of the military’s culinary industrial complex. After all, he named his show after its signature offering.

When he visited the labs and testing facilities of the United States Army Soldier Systems Center in Natick, MA, he was excited to spend some quality time covering familiar territory. What he didn’t count on was the depth of the emotional response that many of his interview subjects had to meals they’d eaten as soldiers in the field. And it turns out, that response is no accident.

We want it to be a quality meal that we provide to them. We don’t know if that’s going to be their last meal.

 –Stephen Moody, Director, Combat Feeding Directive

Watch host August Dannehl and fellow veteran Mike Williams, currently the Executive Chef of West Hollywood restaurant Norah, transform the military’s utilitarian ration MRE into a mouthwatering “Jambalaya Risotto with Duo of Duck.” 

Meals Ready to Eat can be seen on KCET in Southern California, on Link TV Nationwide (DirecTV 375 and DISH Network 9410), and online at KCET.org.

Humor

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Dec. 15

It’s been only seven days since our last meme call, and…where do we even begin?


Army beats Navy. Trans troops get the green light. We have a new NDAA for 2018 — no one cares about any of that. The real Star Wars Day is today.

Celebrate with memes. These memes.

1. He can’t name drop PJs and JTACs like the rest of the Air Force does when Marines make fun.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Let’s be honest, he looks Air Force.

2. But suffering leads to a lobbying job. (via Coast Guard Memes)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
This is how icebreakers get made.

3. “Look at how shiny those floors are.”

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Also, how do you pee in that armor?

4. I didn’t know Meth came from fabric softener.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Ewoks should use Snuggle on their fur instead of drinking it.

5. New Yorkers aren’t like the rest of us.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Terrorism fail.

6. Basic training is the hydroelectric dam.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Who needs fusion when you have every day life?

7. “Things you’ll never actually say to an E-7” for $100.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
There’s a reason dude got choked out.

8. It’s not the worst grouping. (via Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
But you’d still be dead. Or unqualified.

9. No passes in the Army-Navy Game, just like in real life. (via Decelerate Your Life)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
To be fair it’s usually the Coast Guard chasing little white lines.

10. I was more of a Han Solo fan until this.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Majestic reveal.

11. Your girl knows.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
You know he has one.

12. It doesn’t show the NCO school on Dagobah.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Life is pain.

13. Who’s in the Christmas spirit?

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

Humor

The 13 funniest memes for the week of May 25th

Ah, Memorial Day weekend. Enjoy yourselves and take some time to remember our fallen brothers and sisters. I can only speak for myself, but I know my boys all would have wanted me to crack open a cold one for them.


Take it easy. Relax. Call one of your old squadmates and check up on them. I’m not going to sound like your first sergeant and tell you to not “don’t do dumb sh*t” over the long weekend. Go ahead — just be responsible about it and try to stay off the blotter.

Anyways, here’re some memes.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via Army as F*ck)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via Pop Smoke)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via Disgruntled Vets)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via Private News Network)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via Pop Smoke)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via Uniform Humor)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via Military Memes)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via Air Force amn/nco/snco)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme by We Are The Mighty)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via /r/military)

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

(Meme via Smokepit Fairy Tales)

Humor

7 ways to prove your spouse is a spy

If Hollywood thrillers have taught us anything about relationships it’s that your wife or husband could be a spy.


Countless dramatic storylines throughout cinematic history blast the prospect of living with the enemy and never knowing the truth until it’s too late.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands
Robert Hanssen, a former FBI agent, pleaded guilty to selling U.S. secrets to the Soviets and Russia in 2001. He’s currently serving 15 life consecutive sentences — his wife claims she knew nothing about it.

If you ever suspect your spouse could in fact be a spy, check out these tips on how to prove your theory.

1. Randomly toss vegetables in the air

Most spies are great with cutlery. In 1996, we were blessed with the film The Long Kiss Goodnight starring Gina Davis who plays Samantha Caine a.k.a. Charly Baltimore a woman who learns about her mysterious past immediately after a stabbing and pinning a defenseless tomato against a custom made cabinet door.

 2. Take them to a carnival

You’ve been happily married for years and you know for fact you’ve never seen your better half ever fire a pistol or a rifle, but lately you’ve been seeing a different side to them. Here’s your chance to get more evidence of her double life.

Make it a date night to the local carnival and challenge her to a shooting game.

A red flag?

3. Get them wasted

People talk more than usual after tossing back a few.

Take it from Harry Tasker played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in James Cameron‘s 1994 action comedy hit True Lies — he wasn’t drunk, but the bad guys gave him some pretty good sh*t to admit his secret to his wife, who apparently never went to work with him, or an office Christmas party.

A long time.

4. Install a secret home surveillance system

We do it to watch nannies take care of our kids. … Just something to think about.

9 photos that show how to execute perfect knife-hands

5. Learn to curse in a few different languages

Spies are known to be cultured in many global customs after having traveled the world on secret missions.

Knowing an extra language or two helps them blend into those dangerous environments.

So here’s the trick — when they least expect it, blurt out a curse word in a different language. Watch to see if your suspected spook changes his expression. If it doesn’t, try another. Your spouse will ever get the hint you’re catching on or think you’ve got Tourettes.

Nothing?

6. Wardrobe

Movie spies are known for having some pretty bad ass suits and sunglasses. When they’re off saving the world or reporting sensitive information to foreign governments, they’ve got to do it in style.

Take notice how they remove or put on their sunglasses. If it appears they do in a dramatic fashion every time — you probably married a spy.

You’ll look super cool. 

7. Go to work with them

Let’s face it, in real life — unless you know they own their business — faking a job one is the hardest things your spouse could pull off. Think about it: if they’re into espionage and all that, wouldn’t she have to take you to pick up a dead drop or recruit an agent?

Can you think of any other tells that your spouse is a spook? Comment below.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information