The most unintentionally hilarious Rumsfeld ‘snowflake’ memos

Apr 26, 2021 3:00 AM PDT

1 minute read

SUMMARY

On Jan. 24, the first portion of the roughly 59,000 pages’ worth …

When the first portion of the roughly 59,000 pages' worth of Donald Rumsfeld's memos were released after an almost seven-year-long legal battle under the Freedom of Information Act, people were eager to read them. The first 913 pages cover part of his time as the Secretary of Defense during 2001.

They were nicknamed "snowflakes" by his aides, as the pieces of paper would often have just a few sentences written them and would cover the Pentagon like a blizzard. It is completely understandable that former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was a busy man pre- and post-9/11, but his memos make him seem less like the Chief Executive Officer of the Armed Forces and more like Bill Lumbergh from Office Space.

While all 913 pages (well, 912 — page 262 is blank) of the snowflakes can be found here, we've taken the liberty to poke fun at what was sure to have given Pentagon staffers a headache.

1. He wanted a single piece of paper describing all the aircraft and ranking them by cost and "lethality"

Obviously the BRRRRRRRT is number one. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

2. He thinks "Homeland Defense" sounds too German.

Homeland. Vaterland. Same thing, right? (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

3. He probably understood how sh*t of a campaign "Army of One" actually was

It really was a sh*t slogan. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

4. He wanted "food buttons" and was told they're already in the works by the Sergeant Major of the Army

Lucky... I want a food button... (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

5. He asked if the military had a policy on gambling. The article he was referencing is here.

If the boss doesn't know about the rule, does that mean we get a pass to gamble?(Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

6. He mentioned bringing up a test for soldiers to wear the black beret that was Army-wide on June 14th, 2001.

There was one. They were called Ranger School or SF Selection. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

7. He wondered why the DoD protected the endangered wildlife native to military installations

You dare insult the 29 Palms Tortoise!?! Those creatures are... yeah. They're pretty f*cking useless. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

8. He hates initials, acronyms, and words he doesn't understand.

9. He wondered why the Navy trains.

Yeah, Navy! What do you even do? ...Oh? Lots? Oh, okay. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

10. He wanted an eye open for oil.

Well, conspiracy theorists, have fun with this one... (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

11. He couldn't get the conference call to work properly.

Blame S-6. Everyone else does. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

12. He doesn't like standing for interviews. He wants to lean forward.

Looks like somebody researched body language. BZ. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

13. He got really ticked off when one of his Generals showed up late.

14. He wanted a list of good things and bad things. No context. Just lists.

Slow your roll, Petyr Baelish. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

15. He doesn't have time to figure out time zones.

12:55. But I mean, Google was only a thing for a few years at this point. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

16. He really wanted that dental appointment.

At this point, he kind of seems like a passive-aggressive roommate. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

17. He had high hopes that the war on terrorism would end soon.

That's not even a bridge they'll have to cross over 16 years and one month later. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)