When the first portion of the roughly 59,000 pages’ worth of Donald Rumsfeld’s memos were released after an almost seven-year-long legal battle under the Freedom of Information Act, people were eager to read them. The first 913 pages cover part of his time as the Secretary of Defense during 2001.
They were nicknamed “snowflakes” by his aides, as the pieces of paper would often have just a few sentences written them and would cover the Pentagon like a blizzard. It is completely understandable that former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was a busy man pre- and post-9/11, but his memos make him seem less like the Chief Executive Officer of the Armed Forces and more like Bill Lumbergh from Office Space.
While all 913 pages (well, 912 — page 262 is blank) of the snowflakes can be found here, we’ve taken the liberty to poke fun at what was sure to have given Pentagon staffers a headache.
1. He wanted a single piece of paper describing all the aircraft and ranking them by cost and “lethality”
2. He thinks “Homeland Defense” sounds too German.
3. He probably understood how sh*t of a campaign “Army of One” actually was
4. He wanted “food buttons” and was told they’re already in the works by the Sergeant Major of the Army
5. He asked if the military had a policy on gambling. The article he was referencing is here.
6. He mentioned bringing up a test for soldiers to wear the black beret that was Army-wide on June 14th, 2001.
7. He wondered why the DoD protected the endangered wildlife native to military installations
8. He hates initials, acronyms, and words he doesn’t understand.
9. He wondered why the Navy trains.
10. He wanted an eye open for oil.
11. He couldn’t get the conference call to work properly.
12. He doesn’t like standing for interviews. He wants to lean forward.
13. He got really ticked off when one of his Generals showed up late.
14. He wanted a list of good things and bad things. No context. Just lists.
15. He doesn’t have time to figure out time zones.
16. He really wanted that dental appointment.
17. He had high hopes that the war on terrorism would end soon.