Sometimes you just feel a little under the weather and are looking for that extra day off.
You wouldn’t be the first person to have that feeling. Everyone experiences it, and you’re no different. When you’re in the military, though, you can’t just call out of duty and binge-watch your favorite show all day. It doesn’t work that way, my friend.
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You have to come up with an excuse, but not just any excuse will do. We’re here to help, though. Take if from a “doc” who’s heard every lame explanation in the book.
With that in mind, here are some surefire ways to get yourself that 24-hour “Sick in Quarters” chit that says “no duty for me, and I’m going home.”
An Old Favorite: Food Poisoning
Sounds bad, right? Because it is bad.
Telling the medical personnel you ate sushi the night before (even if you didn’t) and you’ve been vomiting ever since is gold. Don’t forget to tell them you’re unable to hold down water.
They may conduct a “water challenge,” which is when they monitor you to see if you can keep down a glass of water. They won’t tell you what they’re doing because they’re camouflaging the test. Spit it up onto the floor or into a trash can; never in the sink. You want them to see the evidence.
Since there’s no real medical test for this, it’ll probably get labeled in your medical record as a case of gastroenteritis, which is a fancy word for stomachache.
2. More Than 5 Days
Five days is typically the baseline where doctors believe your aliments may be bacteriological instead of viral—even without a fever. This is a huge tally in your win column. Once the medical professionals begin talking about giving you antibiotics, which they rarely do, hold the smile back when they put you on a five-day Z-pak instead of a cold pack.
Letting you go back on duty and risk getting others sick makes more work for them. So away you go!
3. Strictly on a Need-to-Know Basis
Doctors have to be detectives in ruling out the worst possible medical condition first, but they only know what you tell them.
Be careful of what you say and how you say it. You could be looking at a full day in medical getting blood work and X-rays. Your chances of going home early could be over.
4. Practice Coughing on Cue
Auscultation is the act of listening to sounds your heart, lungs, and other organs make by using a stethoscope to diagnosis pulmonary and cardiac conditions. Here’s a common trick. Deliver a nice, wet cough when the doctor puts the diaphragm of the stethoscope on your back and tells you to take a breath deep in. Timing is key. Deep breathes tend to trigger coughing.
Also note that you should dramatically clear your throat when left alone in the patient’s room. The medical staff can totally hear you from outside.
5. Have A Battle Buddy
You’re feeling so ill, you can’t make it to medical alone. That’s a shame. Having a witness to speak on your behalf about how sick you are is an incredible asset to have.
There is nothing like having a friend whose facial expressions convey a level of concern along the lines of, “Are they going to die?” Trust us: That look will help legitimize whatever comes out of your month. (And we’re not talking bodily fluids here, just to be clear.)
Just remember, though: You now owe them big time.
6. No Partying for You
Now that you’ve got your SIQ chit. Get out of there and go home before the doc changes his mind.
Some quick words of advice. People are haters, and the military community is small. You get caught at the bar, mall, or strip club on your newly earned day off, you could be in a world of hurt as your new assigned place of duty is now wherever you call home.
Can you think of any others? Comment below.
