7 military things that somehow get you fired in the civilian world
Getting your paperwork to Fort Couch seems like the sweetest gig in the world. However, you’ll soon realize that while you’ve spent the last however-many years having the civilian broken out of you, the rest of them have kept their “civilian mentality” completely intact.
You may think the military trained you well enough to handle a world full of PowerPoint presentations, but that’s not even scratching the surface. These are some of the many roadblocks you’ll run into in the civilian workplace that may have you explaining to HR that you’re, in fact, not crazy, just military-raised.
7. Breaking highly sensitive equipment
In the military, everything is expendable from a certain point of view. If you smash something, there’s almost always someone on standby to fix it. Weapon? Armory. Radios? Radio guy. Everything else? Supply.
In the civilian world, wanton smashing will get you a stern talking-to.
We get all “accidentally” break things sometimes. (Image via GIPHY)
6. Crashing the company vehicle
If you crash a Humvee and you didn’t destroy anything too valuable in the process, you’ll get chewed out and maybe a reduction in rank, but you’re still going to be around the following week.
If you go joyriding in the company vehicle and don’t track the mileage, let alone smash it into a fire hydrant because you were trying to tactically park it as expediently as possible, you might end up in a performance-evaluation meeting.
5. Inter-office pranks
Sure, it may seem like fun to throwdown in random Nerf wars between cubicles, but when you join in, kick in the break room door, flip the table over for a hasty firing position, and lay down suppressive fire so you can bound to the fridge to get a more sturdy firing position, you might get a few stares.
Especially if you’re the one who starts it… and the only one doing it… (Image via GIPHY)
4. Telling off your coworkers
Apparently, civilians don’t appreciate being called “f*ckface” in the middle of a meeting on Monday morning because they didn’t answer their emails on a Saturday.
In the civilian world, if you do slip up and call that f*ckface a “f*ckface,” blame it on a lack of morning coffee. That seems to work.
Yes. Lack of coffee. Perfect excuse. (Image via GIPHY)
3. “Tactically acquiring” (totally not stealing) office supplies
Fraud, waste, and abuse is considered a thing in the outside world. You can’t just pocket supplies on the down-low to trade them for other supplies with the guy in the cubicle on the third floor. Especially if these supplies are more than just pens, batteries, or Gerber multi-tools.
“Gear adrift is a gift” totally counts for food in the break room. (Image via GIPHY)
2. Walking into any establishment with a weapon
Back in the day, if you heard someone scream “WHERE THE HELL DID I PUT MY RIFLE!?” no one batted an eye. If you reacted, it’s because someone who wasn’t armed should’ve been.
For some reason, civilians get antsy around weapons. Rifles, handguns, and even the 7-inch KA-BAR strapped to your ankle
are all no-nos.
Sucks. I know. (Image via GIPHY)
1. Showing up hungover every single weekday
Everyone wants to pretend that it’s cool to drink or that it’s hip to have a nightcap or two before bed until they run into someone who’s made alcoholism a dedicated profession.
If you find yourself hungover beyond function, blame it on the previously mentioned “lack of morning coffee.” Civilians are so accustomed to coffee that they have more than your standard “sh*t” and “decent” varieties of coffee.
In the military, this was considered “decent.” (Image via GIPHY)
*Bonus* Letting your sense of humor show
It’s all fun and games until you have to stop and explain why your sense of humor isn’t crazy. Sometimes, civilians just don’t get your dark and f*cked up sense of humor — so play it close to the chest.
(Image via GIPHY)
Nigeria will spend a billion dollars to fight Boko Haram
Boko Haram, once one of the most feared groups in Africa, is still a problem. Nigeria, however, has decided they aren't putting up with them anymore.
ISIS may have obtained anti-tank missiles from the CIA
Somehow, ISIS has gotten a hold of weapons purchased by the CIA and Saudi Arabia and dispersed, without permission from either, to allied fighters.
How the Army plans to counter massive drone attacks
The United States military is experiencing more and more drone attacks in combat zones, and they have a plan to start shooting them down faster.
Marines want to swarm enemy defenses with hundreds of small boats
It looks like the Marine Corps is ready to get their own boats instead of borrowing them from the Navy all the time. Is this the end of water taxis?
This bearded Marine brings joy to the Corps
He's making a gear list. He's checking it twice. Gonna find out who's boot or grunt. Gunny Clause is coming on base. So stand at ease, kiddos.
This new device helps amputees manage phantom limb pain
Amira Idris designed a device helps amputees experiencing the phenomenon known as phantom limb pain (PLP) — and now she's giving the device to vets.
5 stories you may have missed for the week of December 16th
With everything going on in the world, it's difficult to keep track of every story that pops up. Check the stories you may have missed this week.
This is why the U.S.military uses 5.56mm ammo instead of 7.62mm
A common debate among gun enthusiasts revolves around why the U.S. chose to implement the 5.56mm N.A.T.O. round into service instead of the 7.62mm.
Combat Flip Flops are all about freedom — and not just for your feet
Buy a comfy pair of flip flops — put Afghanistan to work. Buy your lady a sarong — put an Afghan girl through school. This is global democracy, step two.