6 of the funniest things you’ll hear while monitoring comms
Being a commo guy doesn't afford too many opportunities to do fun stuff. Sure, there are the radio operators who are right on the heels of the platoon leader but, nine times out of ten, they're stuck sitting by the radio in either the vehicle or operations center.
Hours are spent just waiting, listening to a tiny speaker in case anything goes on. You can't do anything else — you're just sitting there. If you're monitoring comms at 0400 and there's no mission going on, you're still stuck there. And, of course, the one moment you decide to close your eyes longer than a blink, sh*t gets real.
It's not all boredom, though. Some of the things you hear over the net make it all worthwhile.
Don't worry. No one blames you.
(U.S. Army photo by Pfc. Cameron Boyd)
Troops screwing off
When radio operators are certain that no one is listening, they'll drop all radio etiquette. Suddenly, everyone will just start making jokes to one another. It's not uncommon to hear a guy in one of the guard towers bluntly ask, "when the f*ck is that chow coming?"
Because, apparently, wars aren't won by troops with filthy mouths
(U.S. Army photo by Master Sgt. Kap Kim)
Ops Sgt. Major scolding fools
Despite the point above, you're never completely clear to openly talk like you would on a cell phone. If you try, you're likely to get a stern reminder from whoever is in the ops center to "please maintain proper radio etiquette."
If you're unlucky and the S-3 Sergeant Major is that one that catches you, they're going to knife-hand you so hard through the hand mic that you'll start standing at parade rest on-mission. Technically, they break that "oh so precious" radio etiquette when chewing someone out, but no one ever calls them out for it. Probably because it's damn funny to hear.
"Sir, you want us to what? Are you out of your fu... Roger, out," said every NCO ever.
(U.S. Army photo by Pfc. Cameron Boyd)
There's a perpetual pissing contest in the military. Each young-buck officer will get a wild hair up his or her ass and insist that things be done their way — regardless of whether its the best idea. This stubbornness will almost always be met by a non-commissioned officer who has the opposite idea.
It's like witnessing the meeting between an unstoppable force and an immovable object. Thankfully, the hand mics are push-to-talk or else they'd hear us laughing our asses off.
Totally worth it to blast Toto's 'Africa' over and over again.
(U.S. Marine Corps photo by Sgt. Josh Cox)
There always seems to be one or two commo guys who figure out how to play music over the net. Some will just hold the tunes right up to the mouthpiece while others will figure out how to splice a W-4 with an auxiliary cord. I'm not going to tell you outright how to do it, but open up a manual and learn which prong connects to outgoing voice — there's your head start.
Regardless, it's an appreciated morale boost when someone plays some good music and it turns hilarious when they playing from way out of left field.
It's hard to say "Splash, out" without a big ol' grin.
(U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Matt Navarra)
Calls for fire
There are only two words in the military lexicon that can immediately bring excitement to everyone: "Shot, over."
An inexplicable wave of joy comes over the platoon when a radio guy calls into the mortars, artillery, or air support. Imagine a child on Christmas morning about to open up a present that could obliterate one square kilometer of Earth — oh, boy!
Bullsh*ting is a solid 95 percent of what a lower enlisted does on any given day anyways. Why would that change if you gave them a radio?
(U.S. Army photo by Sgt. 1st Class Thea Roun Sm)
All of the smack talk
There are channels for every unit. One of them is used to talk to command back at base and others are used to communicate with the vehicles. But if you know which channels your boys are on, you can sh*t talk about everyone else not on it.
This includes people in the command, the unit, other troops, local nationals, allied forces — everyone is fair game.