Marriage in the military is not a cute romance novel or Lifetime movie. It’s a battlefield of long deployments, constant moves, temptations, and stress. Whether you are a new milspouse or seasoned soul, it never hurts to talk about ways to protect your relationship from heartbreak, setbacks, and the silent enemies of distance and distraction.
Marriage is hard, but a military marriage is a whole different battlefield. Not only do we have to endure PCS moves, long deployments, and work “friendships” that sometimes blur the lines, military couples also live in a state of constant readiness. If you don’t armor up, the attacks can come from anywhere: temptation, stress, miscommunication, or just the grind of everyday life.
Think of it like combat gear for your relationship. The military issues body armor, which includes a helmet to keep you alive in the fight; marriage needs its own version of protective gear. Here’s how to suit up.
Shield Against Temptation
Would you ever go to the field without a shield of protection? So why wouldn’t we always keep our marriage shield up? Temptation is not always about hanging around people of the opposite sex, but rather the illusion that your “battle buddies” or other soldiers, airmen/women, etc., understand you more than your spouse does. When you PCS, retire, or get admitted to the hospital, who will be standing by your bedside? Probably your spouse.
Yes, work relationships are important, but the key to shielding your marriage is to be intentional about where you aim your energy. Invest more of your time into the relationship with whom you made a lifetime commitment to, not the ones that give temporary gratification.
Helmet of Communication
Kevlar can’t protect you from bullets if you leave it in your tuff box, and communication only works if you use it. Yes, work can be overwhelming, deployments can be stressful, and yes, you need support. Spouses can’t support what they don’t know needs support. We don’t need to be debriefed on every op, we just need to know how we can support you.
A simple, yet honest, “Babe, I am a bit overwhelmed right now,” is all we need to pull out our war gear. Think of a communication helmet like protection from misunderstanding shrapnel. Miscommunication or undercommunication builds silent resentment or the feeling of being shut out.
Breastplate of Honor
While a traditional breastplate guards your heart, a marriage breastplate is a plate of respect. Respect may not look the same for everyone,
- If you are the service member, your spouse didn’t include commitment to 24/7 duty calls, 4 a.m. departures, or being last on your priority list in their vows.
- If you are the spouse, your spouse’s career does in fact include pressures that are not always visible. Yes, it may feel like the uniform is the third person in your marriage, but this is when grace becomes your breastplate of honor.
Valuing the commitment over the career chaos is how you protect your spouse’s heart with honor.
Belt of Truth
Half-truths, excuses, and silence are the prerequisites to marriage failure. What was supposed to be a “quick drink” after work has turned into a four-hour outing, or the silent frustration of being in a house with no one to talk to but your kids all day are silent truths, but they are worth talking about—as opposed to the fatal lie alternatives of lies (or lies of omission).
Keeping it real (or keeping it one hundred as we say in my community) is the foundation for military marriage survival (whether single service or dual military). This requires couples to share their feelings with honesty and vulnerability. Talk about what hurts, what needs to change, or what seems to scare you. We have no problem being open and vulnerable in the bedroom (some of us), why not with our communication- about what hurts. Truth talk is how we know where to tighten up the slack in our relationship.
Boots of Time Together
No soldier has ever said, “I don’t need my battle boots.” In any marriage, boots are the intentional steps you take to stay connected, like date nights, morning quiet time together, or late-night debriefs. No matter what your love language is, you have to be intentional about quality time with your spouse. Face-to-face time is one of the simplest yet overlooked ways to stay connected to your spouse. PT early in the morning, work all day, then there are the busy evenings filled with after-school activities for the kiddos.
No matter how chaotic your schedule looks, strap on your boots and spend alone time with your spouse. Yes, the mission comes first. But marriage isn’t a side hustle. Make time for each other, or you’ll find yourselves walking two very different paths.
Sword of Renewal
In traditional armor (think Roman soldiers), the only offensive weapon is the sword. For military couples, that weapon is the choice to fight for renewal—daily! We all experience setbacks, heartbreaks, and PCS seasons, but we can use those seasons as a spark to reset our marriage bucket.
Just like you wake up and renew your mind daily, marriage requires constant renewal. Redemption doesn’t just apply to blatant sin, nor is it a one-time thing; it’s for times when you’ve possibly grown tired of making it work and is a constant decision to make all things new. You don’t win a battle by hoping for peace—you win it by showing up ready to fight for it. Your marriage won’t be successful if you just wish for the best, you have to do your best, then do more.
Final Formation
It’s time to stop surviving marriage; it’s time to thrive. All is not fair in love and war (in the words of Tamar Braxton). Your enemies—temptation, distance, stress— are constantly lurking and know exactly when and where to attack. That’s why “if you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready.” Keeping your armor polished, protected, and positioned to win is how you “stay ready.” Suit up every day: shield against temptation, helmet of communication, breastplate of honor, belt of truth, boots of time together, and sword of renewal.
Because at the end of the day, the mission isn’t just about service. It’s about the one person who promised to stand with you when the rest of the world walks away.
