As a milspouse, you’re often seen as the steady rock who keeps everything going while your partner navigates their career. It’s a role that comes with a lot of pride but also a lot of pressure. You want to be there for your spouse, to offer support and stability, but what about your own needs?
Finding balance is about making sure you’re not just surviving, but thriving, even while being the rock your spouse can lean on. It’s about learning to prioritize your well-being, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion so you can be your best self for you and your relationship.
Setting boundaries that protect your peace
Setting boundaries is a game changer when it comes to balancing your own needs with supporting your spouse. It can be challenging, especially when you want to be everything for everyone, but healthy boundaries are key to maintaining your well-being.
One of the most effective ways to set boundaries is to start small. Set aside an hour each day for yourself to read, exercise, or just take a walk and clear your head. When we were stationed in Oklahoma, I made it a point to walk my neighborhood every day. It was my way of starting the day with a clear mind and it wasn’t always easy to carve out that space, but having that hour made me feel more grounded and better able to handle whatever the day threw my way.
Another key here is to communicate your boundaries clearly to your spouse. Let them know what you need to feel balanced. Maybe it’s alone time after a long day or maybe it’s about making sure you have time for your own hobbies. Whatever it is, being upfront and consistent about your needs helps you and your spouse understand and respect each other’s boundaries.
The power of self-compassion in the military life
Raise your hand if you think you need to do everything right, all the time. It’s so easy to fall into this trap – to think you have to be the perfect partner, the perfect parent, the perfect milspouse. But here’s the truth: no one expects you to be perfect, and it’s okay to have days when you feel overwhelmed. Practicing self-compassion means giving yourself the grace to be human. It’s about recognizing that you’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough.
When you find yourself feeling like you’re not doing enough, take a step back and ask yourself: would I say these things to a friend? If the answer is no, then it’s time to be kinder to yourself. One thing that helped me was writing down small wins at the end of each day. Even on the hardest days, there’s something to be proud of. This practice has been a good reminder that I’m still moving forward with my goals and plans, even when the day gets in the way.
How to strengthen your relationship while thriving individually
Finding balance also means making sure that your relationship is a source of support and strength, rather than stress. It’s about nurturing your connection with your spouse while also making space for your own growth. It’s important to make time for each other. Real, quality time that’s just for the two of you, without distractions. Plan date nights, even if it’s something simple like cooking dinner together or taking a walk. When we were stationed in Virginia, my husband and I made a point to have a picnic in the park every Sunday afternoon. It became our little tradition, a time to reconnect and just enjoy each other’s company without the distractions of everyday life.
Tips for finding your unique balance
Being a milspouse is a balancing act. It’s half supporting your partner and half making sure you’re taking care of yourself. It’s about setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and nurturing both your relationship and your own personal growth. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it.
Take it one day at a time. Set small boundaries, celebrate your wins, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Find the things that bring you joy and make time for them. Because at the end of the day, your well-being matters. You deserve to thrive, not just survive. And when you find that balance, you’re not only a rock for your spouse, but a stronger, happier version of yourself, ready to take on whatever comes next.