Getting your paperwork to Fort Couch might seem like the sweetest gig in the world, but you’ll soon realize that while you’ve spent the last however-many years having the civilian broken out of you, the rest of them have kept their “civilian mentality” completely intact.
Also Read: The inside joke names soldiers have for different unit patches
You may think the military trained you well enough to handle a world full of PowerPoint presentations, but that’s not even scratching the surface. These are some of the many roadblocks you’ll run into in the civilian workplace that may have you explaining to HR that you’re, in fact, not crazy, just military-raised.
1. Breaking Sensitive Equipment.
In the military, everything is expendable… at least, from a certain point of view. If you smash something, there’s almost always someone on standby to fix it. Weapon? Armory. Radios? Radio guy. Everything else? Supply.
In the civilian world, wanton smashing will get you a stern talking-to from the Penetrode Corporation.
2. Crashing the company vehicle.
If you crash a Humvee and didn’t destroy anything too valuable in the process, you’ll get chewed out and maybe lose a stripe, but you’re still going to be around the following week. You might even still be driving.
If you go joyriding in the company vehicle and don’t track the mileage, let alone smash it into a fire hydrant because you were trying to tactically park it as expediently as possible, you might end up in a performance-evaluation meeting.
3. Inter-office pranks.
Sure, it may seem like fun to throw down in random Nerf wars between cubicles, but when you join in, kick in the break room door, flip the table over for a hasty firing position, and lay down suppressive fire so you can bound to the fridge to get a more sturdy firing position, you might get a few stares.
4. Telling off your coworkers.
Apparently, civilians don’t appreciate being called “f*ckstick” in the middle of a meeting on Monday morning because they didn’t answer their emails on a Saturday.
In the civilian world, if you do slip up and call that f*ckstick a “f*ckstick,” you can always blame it on a lack of morning coffee. That seems to work. You will still probably end up talking to Human Resources.
5. “Tactically acquiring” office supplies.
Fraud, waste, and abuse is considered a thing in the outside world. You can’t just pocket supplies on the down-low to trade them for other supplies with the guy in the cubicle on the third floor.
Especially if these supplies are more than just pens, batteries, or Gerber multi-tools.
6. Walking into any establishment with a weapon.
Back in the day, if you heard someone scream “WHERE THE HELL DID I PUT MY RIFLE!?” no one batted an eye. If you reacted, it’s because someone who wasn’t armed should’ve been.
Your civilian counterparts, however, tend to get antsy around weapons, Second Amendment or no Second Amendment. Rifles, handguns, and even the 7-inch KA-BAR strapped to your ankle are all no-nos.
7. Showing up hungover every shift.
Everyone wants to pretend that it’s cool to drink or that it’s hip to have a nightcap or two before bed until they run into someone who’s made alcoholism a dedicated profession.
If you find yourself hungover beyond function, blame it on the previously mentioned “lack of morning coffee.” Civilians are so accustomed to coffee that they have more than your standard “sh*t” and “decent” varieties of coffee.
Also Read: A hungover Air Force veteran scored the first Super Bowl touchdown ever
*Bonus* Letting your sense of humor show.
It’s all fun and games until you have to stop and explain why your sense of humor isn’t crazy. Sometimes, civilians just don’t get your dark and f*cked up sense of humor—so play it close to the chest.
And Marine Corps vets should probably forget about “Gay Chicken” entirely. That probably won’t end well.
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