5 things only medics can get away with - We Are The Mighty
Humor

5 things only medics can get away with

Being a medic means you’re going to work long hours and be a part of an incredible unit — probably. Like any occupation, after you learn the ropes, you’ll start to spot loopholes. Eventually, you’ll learn about the privileges that let you get away with things others can’t.


It’s actually a talent to find and exploit these privileges, so take note.

Related: 5 key differences between Army medics and Navy corpsmen

Check out five things only medics can get away with — usually. Keep in mind, you have to earn respect before pulling off most of these.

1. Yelling at an officer if they try to make a medical call

We are 100% responsible for troops’ health in our units.

Medics have to first earn the power to yell at an officer through respectable service. So, once you acquire it, only use it on special occasions — and if you start yelling, you better be right.

5 things only medics can get away with

2. Giving your troops a day off

Typically, it’s up to the primary care manager (or PCM) to decide whether to send a troop home for the day.

But, after working under the real doctor for a while, you may inherit the duty of determining medical treatment. This could mean issuing a “sick-in-quarters” slip, giving your buddy a much-earned day off.

3. Using the “silver-bullet” as a form of motivation

The “silver-bullet” is a slang term for getting your temperature checked via your rectum — it isn’t pretty.

Waving the “silver-bullet” around is a special way docs can dissuade their brothers from falling out on crazy-long hikes. If you’re waving that sucker around and you’re not a medic… well, that’s just weird.

4. Haircuts

This power is specific to “Greenside” Corpsmen, or the Navy docs who get stationed with the Marines.

The Navy typically has a more relaxed grooming standard than their Marine brothers, so we can get away with having slightly longer hair while standing in Monday morning formation — depending on your company first sergeant.

5 things only medics can get away with

Although the BAS — or Battalion Aid Station — is located on a Marine base, it’s run by the Navy.

Also Read: 11 things your platoon medic would never say

5. “Ducking out” and heading back to the medical station

Sometimes, a medic’s duty requires them to be at the medical station while the rest of the platoon is out doing some worthless field exercise, like “police calling.” You might call it “ducking out,” but we prefer to call it perfect timing.

Articles

5 awful military haircuts that would fail inspection

Service members are held to a pretty high standard when it comes to grooming practices. The military requires that work uniforms look as neat as possible, men’s faces need to be clean shaven, and haircuts fall with in regulation.


Staying within these standards can be difficult, especially if you’re deployed. But for many, it’s just a matter of heading to the local base and getting a $12 haircut at the PX or NEX. The cut may not turn out celebrity style perfect, but you will be within regs.

Grooming standards vary amongst the branches, but at least one aspect remains the same — the hairline needs to be tapered. A fellow troop’s haircut is one of the first things veterans and service members notice.

Check out our list of military haircuts that would fail inspection:

1. War Daddy

In David Ayer 2014’s war movie “Fury,” Brad Pitt plays a hard-charging tank commander with a pretty awesome hair cut. But we can’t imagine how the Army managed to get a talented hair stylist out on the German front lines to keep his hair perfectly gelled.

5 things only medics can get away with
We guess everyone in the 1940s cut their hair like Macklemore. (Source: Sony/Screenshot)

2. American Sniper

The story of legendary Navy SEAL sniper Chris Kyle hit the big screen in 2014 directed by the iconic Clint Eastwood. With all the excellent production value the film had one aspect was over looked — this Marine’s sideburns.

We could mention he also needs to shave, but that’s not what this article is about — maybe next time.

5 things only medics can get away with
We bet he just asked the barber to take a little bit off the top before attending his big brother’s wedding. (Source: WB/Screenshot)

3. Broken Arrow

Christian Slater plays Riley Hale, a military stealth pilot who needs to track down a war head, defeat the villains, and locate a pair of Osters.

We know it makes you sad to trim around the ears, but you know what else is sad? Terrorism. Now go shave.

5 things only medics can get away with
This haircut is so freakin’ bad; he’s pointing out exactly what’s wrong with it. (Source: Fox/ Screenshot/YouTube)

4. Full Metal Jacket

Although this Stanley Kubrick film is epic on multiple levels, it’s a hard fact to swallow that these Marines stationed on a large military base in Vietnam can’t find a pair of hair clippers. We’re just saying.

5 things only medics can get away with
Joker (in the middle) looks depressed as he waits on the base barber to show the f*ck up. (Source: WB/Screenshot)


5. Jarhead 3: The Siege

The Jarhead franchise just won’t stop making bad movies. Not only does the corporal standing on the left need a quick touch up, but he may want to consider switching out his 8-point cover before the sergeant major rips him a brand new a**hole.

5 things only medics can get away with
Maybe they bought the cover at an airsoft store? (Source: Universal/ Screenshot)

Bonus: Basic

John Travolta plays DEA investigator Tom Hardy (not that Tom Hardy) in 2003’s “Basic.” Although the character isn’t on active duty, his backstory in the film states he’s a former soldier. So before he goes out on a mission to locate a rogue soldier, we think he should clean it up around his ears.

5 things only medics can get away with
That look you give to your hair stylist after to see your reflection in the mirror for the first time. (Source: Fox/YouTube/Screenshot)

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Humor

7 ways barracks parties prepare you for college life

Alcohol and parties are commonplace in the military. Only troops can throw a raging party on a Thursday that destroys the barracks, instigate a platoon versus platoon fist fight, and involve the Colonel’s hot 22-year-old daughter all while avoiding MPs being called and everyone making it to the 12-mile ruck in the morning. When those same troops get out and use their GI Bill, not a single one of them will be impressed when a classmate says, “Dude! This party is gonna be just like the film, Project X!”


Spoiler alert: It won’t. Not until a college kid rips down a door just to use it as a beer pong table will it even come close. Only a veteran with a DD-214 still warm from the printer can get that party going.

Here are 7 ways barracks parties get you ready for college life.

7. You can actually get the party started!

Veteran students are often seen as the most charismatic bunch. It’s not because we’re the most social people, we just don’t give a damn what people think of us.

This can lead others to follow us — especially to parties. Veterans won’t ever let those college kids down.

5 things only medics can get away with
How every veteran shows up to the party. (Image from Columbia Pictures’ 22 Jump Street)

6. You can entertain everyone, from every walk of life

Part of military life is meeting everyone from every corner of the country (in some cases, the world) and getting them drunk. If you want to see a beautiful photo of every race, ethnicity, religion, gender, economic status, and overall place in life, just check out the barracks on any given payday weekend. They’ll all be wasted and probably a few will have their shirts off.

College campuses usually have that same makeup, but veterans can bridge that gap… with copious amounts of alcohol.



Well, Wayne Gretzky did say, “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” (Image via GIPHY)

5. You’ll actually know how to talk to the person you’re interested in

On or around military installations, to put it frankly, there aren’t that many beautiful women. If there is one, troops will literally fight each other for the chance to talk to her.

Take that same veteran, who needed to perfect the art of talking to the other sex, give them a strong personality and a good looking body, and let them loose.



We don’t even need to use BAH as a pick-up line anymore! (Image via GIPHY)

4. You’ll know how to hold your liquor

It takes a lot to get troops drunk. The general rule of thumb is to bring as much as you plan on drinking and then some extra. This results in troops coming to parties with bottles upons bottle of booze. All that, and they’ll still probably be just at the upper limit of tipsy or at least can pretend well enough that they aren’t sh*tfaced.

Don’t be surprised when a veteran downs an entire bottle of whiskey, straight, no chaser, and then asks who’s down for shots.



Civilians think they can drink. That’s cute. (Image via GIPHY)

 

3. You’ll know how to babysit

Troops always look after one another at barracks parties. We needed to make sure that no one got in trouble and that no one chokes on their own puke. When a situation arises, troops can snap back to sobriety well enough to handle it.

Being the only ones who can hold their liquor also means they’ll be sober enough to deal with everyone else’s problems when they’re drunk. And it’s never a fun problem like, “we need to hide the colonel’s hot 22-year old daughter! Dad’s on his way!” It’s always boring, civilian problems.



Vets will always carry you home. Mostly to flex for the ladies. (Image via GIPHY)

2. You’ll know how to make the next one even bigger

Troops have astounding drunken memory. They probably couldn’t tell you why they did what they did, but they can remember doing it.

Veterans will take mental notes as if they were a staff officer. They’ll check off what alcohol people actually drank, which music worked best, and who to invite (and not invite) next time.



A vet probably wouldn’t be joking though… (Image via GIPHY)

1. You can still make it to class the next day

Hangovers still exist. That’s just the way it is when you start adding more birthdays to your life. Troops just keep their mouths shut about it because they know they probably shouldn’t have drank an entire handle the night before an 0530 PT test.

When the only stressor is being able to make it to a 9 a.m. class to listen to a math lecture, veterans will probably still make it there fifteen minutes early.

5 things only medics can get away with
We worked too damn hard to throw away an opportunity at college. (Image via Reddit)

Articles

4 crimes you learn to commit in the military

We’re not saying everyone in the military does these things, just that it’s almost impossible to complete an enlistment without someone either encouraging you, or even teaching you, to:


1. Commit petty theft

5 things only medics can get away with
(Photo: U.S. Navy)

“Gear adrift is a gift” and similar maxims are just cute ways of saying that it’s sometimes okay to steal. But it’s not. There’s no law that says it stops being government property or someone else’s personal property if they forgot to lock it up or post a guard.

This includes “acquiring” needed items for the squad by snatching up unsecured gear or trading for someone’s off-the-books printer. We know you have to get your CLP, but at least try to get some from the armorer before turning to theft.

2. Smuggle alcohol through the mail

5 things only medics can get away with
If their breath never smells minty fresh, maybe get suspicious of their constant mouthwash use.

It’s only legal to ship alcohol through the United States Postal System if you have a license or if it’s in a product like mouthwash. Of course, that mouthwash isn’t supposed to be 80 proof.

But every time a unit gets ready for deployment, the veterans start talking about the super illegal practice of asking family members to pour vodka into empty mouthwash bottles, mix in a few drops of blue and green food coloring, and send it to the base in the mail. Many of the old timers are just making jokes, but it still spreads the knowledge of the tactic. (Which this article also does. Crap.)

3. Lie on federal forms

5 things only medics can get away with
The Defense Travel System is reasons 1-3 that no one should ever re-enlist. (Photo: U.S. Air National Guard Master Sgt. Christopher Botzum)

Let’s be honest, perfectly filled out Defense Travel System vouchers and unit packing lists are the exception to the rule. Sometimes, this is because it’s hard to track every little change in a connex’s contents or a trip. But other times, it’s because units on their way out the door on an exercise or deployment are willing to put whatever they need to on the paperwork to get it approved.

It’s an expedient way to get the mission done, but it’s also a violation of Title 18 United States Code 1001, which prohibits false claims to the federal government. Of course, no one is going to prosecute when a connex shows up with three more cots than were on the list, but don’t listen to the barracks attorney telling you that the per diem is higher if you just change this one thing in DTS.

4. Abuse prescription medication

5 things only medics can get away with
Perfectly legal in training and combat, actually a crime when using it to avoid a hangover with a prescription. (Photo: U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Nicholas Farina)

Most troops aren’t out there injecting illegally acquired morphine, but most people would probably be surprised to learn that intravenous saline is a prescription medical device (yeah, saltwater in a bag). So are those 800mg Motrins.

And teaching a bunch of troops to give saline injections to each other does help them save lives in combat, but it also prepares them to tack an extra criminal charge onto their alcohol-fueled bender when they get home and stick themselves with a needle to try to avoid getting hungover (which, seriously guys, stop giving yourselves IVs while drunk).

Humor

7 ways to prove your spouse is a spy

If Hollywood thrillers have taught us anything about relationships it’s that your wife or husband could be a spy.


Countless dramatic storylines throughout cinematic history blast the prospect of living with the enemy and never knowing the truth until it’s too late.

5 things only medics can get away with
Robert Hanssen, a former FBI agent, pleaded guilty to selling U.S. secrets to the Soviets and Russia in 2001. He’s currently serving 15 life consecutive sentences — his wife claims she knew nothing about it.

If you ever suspect your spouse could in fact be a spy, check out these tips on how to prove your theory.

1. Randomly toss vegetables in the air

Most spies are great with cutlery. In 1996, we were blessed with the film The Long Kiss Goodnight starring Gina Davis who plays Samantha Caine a.k.a. Charly Baltimore a woman who learns about her mysterious past immediately after a stabbing and pinning a defenseless tomato against a custom made cabinet door.

 2. Take them to a carnival

You’ve been happily married for years and you know for fact you’ve never seen your better half ever fire a pistol or a rifle, but lately you’ve been seeing a different side to them. Here’s your chance to get more evidence of her double life.

Make it a date night to the local carnival and challenge her to a shooting game.

A red flag?

3. Get them wasted

People talk more than usual after tossing back a few.

Take it from Harry Tasker played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in James Cameron‘s 1994 action comedy hit True Lies — he wasn’t drunk, but the bad guys gave him some pretty good sh*t to admit his secret to his wife, who apparently never went to work with him, or an office Christmas party.

A long time.

4. Install a secret home surveillance system

We do it to watch nannies take care of our kids. … Just something to think about.

5 things only medics can get away with

5. Learn to curse in a few different languages

Spies are known to be cultured in many global customs after having traveled the world on secret missions.

Knowing an extra language or two helps them blend into those dangerous environments.

So here’s the trick — when they least expect it, blurt out a curse word in a different language. Watch to see if your suspected spook changes his expression. If it doesn’t, try another. Your spouse will ever get the hint you’re catching on or think you’ve got Tourettes.

Nothing?

6. Wardrobe

Movie spies are known for having some pretty bad ass suits and sunglasses. When they’re off saving the world or reporting sensitive information to foreign governments, they’ve got to do it in style.

Take notice how they remove or put on their sunglasses. If it appears they do in a dramatic fashion every time — you probably married a spy.

You’ll look super cool. 

7. Go to work with them

Let’s face it, in real life — unless you know they own their business — faking a job one is the hardest things your spouse could pull off. Think about it: if they’re into espionage and all that, wouldn’t she have to take you to pick up a dead drop or recruit an agent?

Can you think of any other tells that your spouse is a spook? Comment below.

Humor

11 memes that will make any infantryman laugh for hours

When you serve in the infantry, you develop a new language with your squad — which then turns into a new type of comedy.


Most service members outside the infantry community don’t truly understand our humor, but who the f*ck cares — we get it!

Related: The 13 funniest military memes for the week of March 9th

1. 99% of all military personnel would be issued this ribbon — just in boot camp.

5 things only medics can get away with

2. Infantrymen hand out love with a single bullet or a full belt of ammo (via Valhalla Wear).

5 things only medics can get away with
Machine gunners bring their own party favors.

3. Sir, just a quick peek. Seriously, no one has to know (via Funker 530).

5 things only medics can get away with
We think he’s just coloring.

4. This is the ultimate game of “chicken” (via Sh-t my LPO says).

5 things only medics can get away with

Also Read: 11 hilarious Navy memes that are freaking spot on

5. Marines love to blow sh*t up. It’s what makes them happy (via Devil Dog Nation).

5 things only medics can get away with
When you need something blown up, they’ll handle it.

6.  When a clown can assemble a rifle better than an airman (via Pop Smoke).

5 things only medics can get away with
Maybe one day you’ll get to pistol qual.

7. That moment when you think you forgot your rifle at the FOB, but you’re back stateside (via The Salty Soldier).

5 things only medics can get away with
Remember, you checked it back in months ago?

8. “That’s it? All of it? There’s more to this thing, right?”

5 things only medics can get away with
Nope. That’s all you get.

Don’t Forget: 11 memes that are way too real for every Corpsman

9. Why did Carl come along to this firefight?

5 things only medics can get away with
We can’t take him anywhere.

10. When you’re dressed up like a badass, but a real badass walks by you.

5 things only medics can get away with

11. When you’ve been deployed way too freakin’ long (via Pop smoke).

5 things only medics can get away with
This WMD is bound to go off at any time during post-deployment leave.

Humor

The 10 most famous ghosts in the White House closets

You may not believe in ghosts. Neither did many White House employees…until they started working there. Hundreds of reports of famous former residents have been filed over the years by those workers. President Harry Truman even reported “listening to the ghosts walk up and down the hallway” and that the “floors pop and the drapes move back and forth.”


One White House footman who began working in the 1860s reported seeing the ghosts of Presidents Grant and McKinley and a few First Ladies. Mrs. Grover Cleveland is said to be heard crying on the second floor.

Full disclosure: the ghosts don’t hang out in the closets — at least as far as we know — but it seems like they’re everywhere else.

1. Abigail Adams

First Lady to second President of the United States John Adams, Abigail was also one of the White House’s first residents. According to History.com, Mrs. Adams spent a lot of time in the East Room, because it was the warmest in the mansion. People have reported seeing her in a cap and shawl, her arms positioned as if carrying the laundry away, and even hanging the laundry in the East Room as the smell of soap fills the air.

5 things only medics can get away with
Cue old spooky photo of the East Room.

 

2. Andrew Jackson

Mary Todd Lincoln reported seeing and hearing Andrew Jackson storming through the house, cursing all the way. His bedroom during his Presidency was the Rose Room — and is the most haunted room in the place. Many people also report his ghost ripping out a huge gut-laugh.

 

5 things only medics can get away with
Imagine waking up to that.

 

3. Dolley Madison

The belovéd First Lady to President James Madison famously saved the portrait of George Washington when the British burned the White House during the War of 1812. Her ghost can be found in the White House Rose Garden, the garden she planted. It’s said that she protects the area. When First Lady Ellen Louise Wilson ordered the area dug up, workmen reported Madison appearing to chase them away.

 

5 things only medics can get away with

 

4. John Tyler

John Tyler is often seen proposing to his second wife in the Blue Room.

 

5 things only medics can get away with
Tyler’s portrait is still on the wall in the Blue Room. (White House Museum photo)

 

5. The Demon Cat

The spectral feline is supposedly seen before a national disaster. The size of it depends on how close the viewer is to the cat. It starts as a little kitten but grows even more fierce as one gets closer to it. It was reportedly seen before the Stock Market Crash of 1929 and before the Kennedy Assassination.

6. Thomas Jefferson

Jefferson can be seen playing the violin in the Yellow Room.

 

5 things only medics can get away with
(John Adams/HBO)

 

7. Abraham Lincoln

One of the most famous and often reported ghosts in the White House is that of Abraham Lincoln. Winston Churchill refused to sleep in the bedroom after encountering Lincoln while in the bath. Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands passed out after answering Lincoln’s knock on her door. Lincoln’s ghost has even been seen in the Coolidge, Roosevelt, Johnson, and Ford Administrations. Even President Reagan and his guests saw his apparition looking out the window.

 

5 things only medics can get away with
Maybe he could do some policy work, if he’s gonna be there forever anyway.

8. William Henry Harrison

The first President to die in the White House, he reportedly haunts the attic.

 

9. British Soldiers

Reports of Redcoats are seen in various areas of the White House. They are sometimes holding torches, waiting to burn the White House all over again. Others are at the North Portico, standing guard.

10. The Thing

No, not the Fantastic Four’s Thing. This Thing is a young teen boy whose hand grasps the shoulders of unsuspecting visitors as if to look over their shoulders. President Taft ordered that anyone spreading rumors of the Thing’s existence should be fired.

 

5 things only medics can get away with

Articles

11 fictional weapons we wish we could check out of the armory

Checking out your weapon from the armory is like standing in line at the DMV — it’s the worst game of hurry up and wait ever.


When you do get it, you spend your day dry firing your weapon at the range and then check it right back in at the close of business.

It happens every day, and the repetition can be very annoying.

Meanwhile back at the barracks, you’re sitting in front of your TV watching your favorite movies or playing your favorite video game, and you begin to think that the futuristic laser gun might be a lot of fun to use against actual bad guys.

Related: This Gatling gun fires up to 6,000 F-Us per minute … and we love it

Check our list of fictional weapons we wish we could check out of the armory:

1. That super sonic shotgun thingy (Minority Report)

When killing the bad guys isn’t the mission, but knocking the crap out of them is.

They got knocked the f*ck out. (Images via Giphy)I actually just want to have this around for my daily commute.

2. The Noisy Cricket (Men in Black)

It would be that perfect weapon to conceal around your ankle holster if you can withstand the recoil of firing it.

His back has to be sore. (Images via Giphy)Maybe do some squats and work on your stance before a live-fire exercise.

3. The Auto 9 (RoboCop)

Because having a .357 Desert Eagle look-a-like you can fire on full auto is badass.

No big deal. (Images via Giphy) If shooting paper targets isn’t your thing, Detroit still needs cops. No word on the Auto 9 being standard issue though.

4.  M41A Pulse Rifle (Alien)

With the outstanding rate of fire of 900 rounds per minute, we’d take this sucker anywhere.

5 things only medics can get away with
Ripley, Cpl. Hicks, and M41A Pulse Rifle. (Source: Fox)

Also, kudos to the guys who actually made an M41A. Please bring some by Twentynine Palms for immediate testing.

5.  Lightsaber (Star Wars)

This would be a better weapon to have than the standard issue bayonet we’re used too.

Look at his perfect freakin’ form. (Images via Giphy)

6. The Lawgiver (Judge Dredd)

It fires grenades, armor-piercing rounds, and it’s voice activated. This would be the perfect weapon if you find yourself in a jam.

They’ve all been judged. (robert cowley, Youtube) 

Plus, yelling “I AM THE LAW” every time you fire it would be therapeutic.

7.  The Needler (Halo)

A weapon that shoots energy bursts is a must-have in our armory.

(CryGateEntertainment, YouTube)

8. Mark 2 Lancer (Gears of War)

It’s the perfect weapon if you just feel like cleaving your enemy in two.

Cut that sucker. (Images via Giphy)

Also Read: These 4 guns were used to make the longest sniper kills in history

9. EM-1 (Eraser)

This rail gun comes fully equipped with a green x-ray scope and we like that.

A little overkill maybe, but it’s still badass. (Images via Giphy)

10. Gatling Gun Jet Pack (Kickass)

Who wouldn’t want this epic flying weapon in their armory?

Although, cleaning it would be a pain in the a**. (Images via Giphy)

11. The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device (Portal)

With the ability to create portals and teleport through space, this gun could send troops into any battle in a matter of moments.

Perfect for snatch and grab missions. (Images via Giphy) Can you think of any others? Comment below.
Humor

5 tips to have the best Marine Corps birthday ever

Hey, Marines!


It’s that time of year again to take your dress blues to the dry cleaners and get them ready for the Marine Corps ball. Considered the biggest night of the year, the ball is a rare opportunity to get dressed up and get completely sh*t faced with your chain of command.

It’s your time to celebrate because not many people get two legit b-days in one year.

Related: 39 awesome photos of life in the US Marine Corps infantry

But before you mount your medals, ask your date, or book your hotel room, check out our list of ways you can make this birthday the best one ever.

1. Get the hottest date you can muster

Marines are notorious for asking a celebrity to attend the Marine Corps Ball with them. Since it’s considered the biggest event in the Corps, don’t hesitate to jump on social media and ask your celebrity crush to go with you.

Here’s TMR to tell you a few steps how:


2. Challenge a superior to a dance-off

It’s not very often when a lower enlisted Marine can duke-it-out with a superior and get away with it. Think about working on your dance moves now — it’s an epic opportunity for bragging rights.

But if you sergeant major moves like this Marine, you’re probably f*cked!

Get some, Sergeant Major! (Image via Giphy)

3. Split an expensive hotel bill

Many devil dogs celebrate the Marine Corps birthday more than their own birthday. It can get pretty crazy. Since many units celebrate far away from the base, consider getting a few of your buddies to split the cost of a large hotel suite for an epic after party and dance well into the night.

Just remember to invite some girls. (Image via Giphy)

4. Study the “chest candy”

Before you pull on your dress blues, take a few extra minutes to study the Marine Corps’ ribbons and medals. It’s an interesting way of getting some background info on your superiors without asking them.

You can also feel smug if you have more combat decorations than they do…

Also Read: This is how ‘Ripley at the Bridge’ became a Marine Corps legend

5. Take photos/videos — drinking is temporary but random party pics are forever

You are most likely going to get wasted drunk either at the ball or in the hotel (not recommended — aim for that perfect buzz). Take tons of photos and video because chances are you’re not going to remember much the next day.

Having those epic memories of taking a celeb as your date, beating the sergeant major in a dance contest, and making fun of a POG staff sergeant behind their back will be well documented.

I don’t remember doing that. (Image via Giphy)WATM wishes every Marine a happy and safe birthday. SEMPER FI, MARINES!

Humor

6 more Share-a-Coke cans they could also use

Coca-Cola, the USO, and Dollar General have teamed up to run a special “Share a Coke” campaign this summer in support of the military community. It was designed with the best of intentions, but it’s caught a bit of backlash for not including a few branches.

You can find 16-oz cans of Coke labeled with ‘Sailor,’ ‘Airman,’ and “Coast Guardsman,” which accounts for three of the five branches, but you’ll notice that both ‘Solider’ and ‘Marine’ are missing. Instead, you’ll find cans marked ‘hero’ and ‘veteran’ respectively.

So, if they’re going to swap out two branch-specific terms in favor of something more widely applicable, that opens the door for plenty of other possibilities! Try these on for size:


5 things only medics can get away with

For that no-drag specialist in your squad.

High Speed

With all due respect, they’ve kinda missed the mark by using “Hero” as the label for soldiers — this isn’t exactly a compliment in some contexts. In the Army, the term ‘Hero’ is a play on the phrase, “there’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity.” Basically, it’s another term for ‘idiot.’

Why not go all the way and label one “High Speed?”

5 things only medics can get away with

Boot

Every Marine was, at one point in their career, a dumb boot. It’s only after a young boot has made enough mistakes and has had the stupid smoked out of them enough times that they’re finally accepted by their fellow Marines. It’s a rite of passage.

Since boots are also the most likely to remind everyone in the outside world of their service, they should have their own can.

5 things only medics can get away with

Caw caw, mother f*cker.

Blue Falcon

No one likes the blue falcon — it’s no coincidence that the first letter of each word in this term is shared with another, less polite label: Buddy F*cker.

Blue falcons work hard to keep up their game and getting your buddies in trouble is thirsty work. Why not celebrate them with a nice, cold middle finger?

5 things only medics can get away with

Perfectly mixes well with whiskey.

C.O.B

The C.O.B. (or the Crabby Ol’ Bastard) is the Chief of the Boat and is more often than not the oldest person on the ship.

You’ll never know how these salty sailors made it so long without being forced into retirement, but you have to respect their amazing ability to hold a ship together using only pure hatred.

5 things only medics can get away with

They can get a Coke and a Bronze Star as an End of Tour award.

Powerpoint Ranger

Rangers are some of the hardest badasses in the Army. The Powerpoint Ranger, however, is on the very opposite side of the coolness spectrum.

All these guys do is sit on the FOB and craft the perfect Powerpoint presentation on the complexities of connex cleaning. These guys probably haven’t seen the range in years, but they do have a direct line to the Colonel.

5 things only medics can get away with

The one and only universal truth that every service member can agree on is: “F*ck Jodie.”

Jodie

A Coke isn’t the only thing Jodie wants to share with you.

Humor

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Dec. 15

It’s been only seven days since our last meme call, and…where do we even begin?


Army beats Navy. Trans troops get the green light. We have a new NDAA for 2018 — no one cares about any of that. The real Star Wars Day is today.

Celebrate with memes. These memes.

1. He can’t name drop PJs and JTACs like the rest of the Air Force does when Marines make fun.

5 things only medics can get away with
Let’s be honest, he looks Air Force.

2. But suffering leads to a lobbying job. (via Coast Guard Memes)

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This is how icebreakers get made.

3. “Look at how shiny those floors are.”

5 things only medics can get away with
Also, how do you pee in that armor?

4. I didn’t know Meth came from fabric softener.

5 things only medics can get away with
Ewoks should use Snuggle on their fur instead of drinking it.

5. New Yorkers aren’t like the rest of us.

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Terrorism fail.

6. Basic training is the hydroelectric dam.

5 things only medics can get away with
Who needs fusion when you have every day life?

7. “Things you’ll never actually say to an E-7” for $100.

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There’s a reason dude got choked out.

8. It’s not the worst grouping. (via Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said)

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But you’d still be dead. Or unqualified.

9. No passes in the Army-Navy Game, just like in real life. (via Decelerate Your Life)

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To be fair it’s usually the Coast Guard chasing little white lines.

10. I was more of a Han Solo fan until this.

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Majestic reveal.

11. Your girl knows.

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You know he has one.

12. It doesn’t show the NCO school on Dagobah.

5 things only medics can get away with
Life is pain.

13. Who’s in the Christmas spirit?

5 things only medics can get away with

Humor

5 worst waits troops hurried up to be at

In the civilian world, waiting feels like hell. Soccer moms throw a fit if they wait more than three people for a coffee, that asshole driving behind you honks if you don’t accelerate sooner than 0.003 seconds after the light turns green, and some teenager out there is claiming that their life is ruined because a selfie is taking too long to upload.


God knows what would happen if these same people if they had to wait out an enlistment. It doesn’t matter what position you were, what branch, what rank, what era, or anything like that — if you’ve served, you know the true pain of waiting.

 

5 things only medics can get away with
(Image via Reddit)

5. Arms room

It finally happened. You’ve left the range and the last thing you have to do is turn your weapon in to the armorer and then you can take your boots off. The entire platoon is ready, they cleaned their rifles for the last of many times that day, and they stack on the tiny window to give it to the armorer.

Aaaaaaaaand now it’s time to wait for the armorer to get their ass up from playing Call of Duty doing whatever they were doing to come open the arms room. Bonus points if they have a drink or snack that they picked up at the shoppette while they were on their way.

5 things only medics can get away with
More bonus points if they kick you back without giving you a reason why your spotless weapon is supposedly dirty. (U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Emily Greene)

4. Close of business meetings

At the end of every military day, officers and NCOs gather to talk about what happened that day and plot out what they will do the next day. To the uninformed lower enlisted who’s waiting on the sidelines, the pain is just as excruciating for everyone in the meeting except for the Gung Ho PowerPoint Ranger. 

The lower enlisted wait on their cellphones that have a sliver of battery left and the NCOs nod off listening to how whatever will “improve combat readiness.” Then, the officers wait their turn to say, “Yep. Things are good on my end. Let’s get out of here.”

5 things only medics can get away with

 

3. Convoy Ops out of anywhere

It’s probably for the best that the actual SP (Start Point; when the convoy heads out) time is kept on a need-to-know basis.

Every single time: Troops wake up at 0200, arms room by 0300, leave the arms room at 0600 (because #5.), meet at the motor pool at 0630, and then… Sunrise… Eventually, you realize it’s almost lunch time and the vehicles are still lined up to leave.

 

5 things only medics can get away with
It would be fine if the vehicles actually had good heating/air conditioning, had radios that actually played tunes, or were remotely comfortable… (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. F. Cordoba)

2. Getting any paperwork done

Swinging by S-1 to get that one award you told them twelve times to add to your record is a pain.

Swinging by the civilian office to get that divorce paperwork finalized after you’ve told them twelve times to remove it from your record is a nightmare.

5 things only medics can get away with
One picture to perfectly describes every stage of boredom waiting on paperwork. (Photo by Brandy Gill).

1. Literally any kind of ceremony

Oh, cool. Your commander’s commander got an “Attaboy” award for existing that is more prestigious than any award you brag about. Nothing builds genuine support for the commander’s commander like waking 300 troops up at 0200 to stand in formation for seven hours to hear about how great that person’s “Good Idea Fairy” was for three hours. Good going, sir! You’re being awarded for improving morale. Look how high morale is after ten hours of hearing how awesome you are…

If it’s a change of command ceremony, you can tell immediately what kind of leader you’re getting by if they keep their word after uttering the phrase, “Alright, I’ll keep this brief…”

5 things only medics can get away with

*Bonus* Just… everything before deploying

This is the catch-all for all of the waits you’ll endure before deploying. Finance? Sixish hours. Dental? Eightish hours. Medical? Tenish hours. Central Issuing Facility? All day. Waiting to get that one signature from that one office that’s only open for four hours a week for some reason and only half an hour each day? An eternity.

5 things only medics can get away with

Whoever thought mass medical check-ups would be simple has obviously never stood in a line of 500 troops waiting on a blood draw. (U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Trevor Saylor)

Humor

5 more epic military movie mistakes

For some, military movies are a blast to watch as many are based on real and fascinating stories of man’s ability to overcome any obstacle and fulfill his or her goals and destiny and all that crap.


With so many emotional aspects to pay attention to, filmmakers miss minor detail-orientated mistakes that veteran moviegoers spot a mile away.

Related: 5 epic military movie mistakes

So check out some mistakes we managed to spot in our favorite Hollywood war films:

1. A bad angle

“Hacksaw Ridge” showcased the heroic efforts of Desmond Doss, a combat medic who served in WWII and saved 75 men during a battle in the Pacific.

When he meets the love of his life, a hot nurse, she’ll take some of Desmond’s blood but fails to use the proper angle when inserting the needle.

5 things only medics can get away with
Go along the skin line, lady! (Source: Lionsgate/Screenshot)

At this angle, she would have poked right through the vein at the AC space (antecubital) and into his muscle — what little Andrew Garfield has.

2. A below-the-knee tourniquet

Quentin Tarantino may be a genius at writing great character dialogue, but his medical knowledge of how to treat a gunshot wound needs a little work.

The female on the table has a tourniquet in place below her knee to help stop any arterial bleeding. A typical piece of cloth wouldn’t help a GSW too much.

5 things only medics can get away with
That tourniquet isn’t doing anything but getting a chance to touch Diane Kruger’s leg. We like that. (Source: Weinstein/Screenshot)

Fun Fact: Your tibia and fibula are located in below the knee and the artery runs in between the two bones to provide it protection. A tourniquet placed below the knee would have no effect in stopping a massive bleed.

3. Robbed the armory?

Veterans give military movies a lot of crap, especially the 2nd and 3rd acts of “Full Metal Jacket.” But this time we’re calling out how could Gomer Pyle managed to snag a rifle and ammo while in boot camp from the armory (where they would have been stored).

5 things only medics can get away with
Where the hell did you get that Pvt. Pyle? (Source: WB/Screenshot)

Let’s face it, Pyle’s character wasn’t a genius and doubtfully would be able to pull off a single rifle heist.

4. Shoot the rear tank?

In “Fury” we got an opportunity to experience the dangers of being a tanker during WWII. In the film, David Ayer chose to make the Germans shoot and destroy the last American tank in a ranger file — even though he knew that would not be an accurate military tactic.

5 things only medics can get away with
That would have been great if the real Germans used such ineffective tactics during the war — it would have been over way sooner. (Source: Sony/Screenshot)

In real life, they should have hit the tank in front, forcing the rest to halt and stopping the line. But if they had destroyed the front tank (War Daddy’s), the credits would roll because the movie would now be over.

Also Read: 5 more military myths that Hollywood taught us to believe

5. Clear hearing in a flying helicopter

Okay, Tropic Thunder isn’t technically a war movie, but it did win Tugg Speedman the fictional Oscar for best actor for “Tropic Blunder,” the true story behind the making of the most expensive fake true war story ever.

But in this helicopter insertion scene, there’s no way the men could hear the director’s instructions in a loud helicopter cargo bay (with the doors open) without proper headsets.

5 things only medics can get away with
Regardless of the mistake, this movie is funny as hell. (Source: Paramount/Youtube/ Screenshot)

If any movie producers and directors out there need help on military consulting, feel free to contact us.

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

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