On Nov. 16, Duffel Blog held its head up high as the “The American military’s Most Trusted news source” was given the dubious honors of being ranked as “Pants on Fire” by Politifact. The award was bestowed upon them after their in-depth analysis of Bowe Bergdahl wandering off during his court-martial.
According to Politifact, “The article then becomes more ridiculous.” They continue with the astute observation that “…the Pentagon offered a reward for information about Bergdahl’s whereabouts: $25,000 or seven Guantanamo detainees, depending on the credibility of the information.”
We attempted to contact a person affiliated with the website and received the following response: “Our newsletter is pretty straightforward, if you click ‘No’. You hate America.” We could only assume Paul Szoldra was busy drinking his cognac while reading a copy of Cervantes’ Don Quixote when he received the good news.
The site already holds ten awards in the Snopes’ Fact Check category. Still, nothing compares to the prestige of having the 500+ words dedicated in their name. Their political activism work is also well known since they petitioned the White House to change the policy on troops not being able to put their hands in their pocket.
This was quickly shot down when the Sergeant Major of the Army, Raymond F. Chandler III wrote an op-ed on their site stating that “putting your hand in your pocket would get you killed.”
Congratulations, Duffel Blog. You’re an inspiration to us all. On a related note, does anyone know what the word satire means? My Google isn’t working.
The Star Wars franchise is all about placing fantastical elements within in a sci-fi setting. In order to truly enjoy the films, you have to suspend your disbelief a little bit — otherwise it’ll look a lot like cosmic samurai fighting a faceless evil empire across a galaxy filled with people who magically speak the same language and function just fine without a space suit wherever they end up.
Putting a bit more thought into it, the Imperial Stormtroopers seem to get the short end of the stick nearly every single time. With the soon-to-be-released Solo: A Star Wars Story on the horizon, it’s fun to remember why they probably wouldn’t make the most intimidating enemy — especially not with highly-overused AT-AT walkers.
(Photo by Tim Moreillon)
To all seven of you out there who haven’t seen Star Wars, the AT-AT is a gigantic, robotic troop transport used by the antagonists that’s sort-of a futuristic callback to Hannibal’s elephants. They’re fairly intimidating in the films until you realize just how dumb of a design they really are.
At least they acknowledged that painting its weak spot bright orange was an objectively bad idea.
Its weaknesses are extremely obvious
The most glaring mistake of the AT-AT is that they’re so easy to destroy. In The Empire Strikes Back, our heroes turn the tide during a battle on the icy planet of Hoth when they decide to trip the lumbering armor. Really? Why did it take some rural moisture farmer to make that mental breakthrough?
Not only that, but Luke Skywalker also destroyed one by throwing a single grenade, which, somehow, blows up the head. They’re even more easily destroyed in Rogue One, when a single rocket to the walker’s “neck” is enough to take it down.
This is about the field of fire of an AT-AT. Avoid this and you’re fine.
Its only weapons are front-facing
If you’re facing the front of an AT-AT, you’re probably screwed. If you’re literally anywhere outside of its 30-degree field of facing, you’re completely safe.
Without any kind of air support, like what happened to them in The Empire Strikes Back, the opportunity to flank them is wide open. If you’re thinking that it could just turn around, that brings us to our next point.
This is it TRYING to turn.
It can barely turn
To be fair, the AT-AT can turn a little bit in Episode V and some of the obscure novels (which are no longer canon) say that they have an additional joint under the plating to help it turn. But, even if we’re generous, they can turn maybe fifteen degrees with each slow, lumbering step.
This is happens in a time when, according to the logic that has been established by the franchise, intergalactic travel and troop transport is done with spaceships. But, instead of carrying troops via something that fly, they chose something that can barely change course.
It can’t really leave this small clearing so, for any reason other than creating drama, this makes no sense.
It wouldn’t be able to maneuver anywhere
Let’s bring things back to the real world for a moment and discuss why tank treads work in almost every environment while horses don’t: Legs get caught in things. They get tangled in snares and sink into sand, snow, and mud. Tank treads, conversely, just roll through it all.
Now magnify that four-legged beast to the size of an AT-AT. All of those same problems still exist, but now you can cross cities and forests off that list, too.
Poor little AT-AT… At least you tried.
It’s a terrible design for a troop transport
Let’s bring it back to the fact that they rely on what are essentially robot camels when they have countless other options at their disposal. A spaceship can warp in and push out every Stormtrooper in a blink of an eye. The AT-AT, on the other hand, needs to bend down, load troops into the vehicle, carry them all somewhere, bend back down, and, finally, unload them.
All of that just to get some troops forward in an easily destructible, undefended deathtrap that can barely get around. Sure, they’re intimidating, but don’t you have Death Stars and Star Destroyers for that?
Every recruit, in the first few weeks of boot camp, will get in a line during their medical evaluations and get stuck in the arm with all sorts of needles and have thermometers shoved into some uncomfortable places.
Welcome to the military!
Out of all the medications recruits get injected with throughout their processing week, none of them are as feared as the almighty “peanut butter” shot.
While these peanut butter shots are awesome, the ones we get in boot camp are far from exciting.
The “peanut butter” shot, in the military, is a slang term for the famous bicillin vaccination every recruit receives unless they have an allergy — and can prove it.
But if you can’t, you’re in for an experience of a lifetime. You’ll be brought into an examination room, usually as a group, and be told to drop your trousers past one of your butt cheeks and bend over.
Once the recruit has assumed their most vulnerable position, the medical staff will attach a long and thick needle to a pre-filled vial of bicillin.
Since bicillin kills off a variety of bacteria strands in one shot, it’s given to nearly every recruit.
Now, once the medical staff injects the recruits in their butt cheek, the pain hits them like a bolt of electricity. The thick liquid begins to pour into the muscle, but it doesn’t spread as fast as you might think.
The human body absorbs the thick, peanut-butter looking medication at a slow rate because of the liquid’s density and creates a painful, red lump on the recruit’s ass.
You literally can’t sit right for a few days. Since some boot camps require their recruits be highly active, the idea of adding intense physical movement to the shot’s excruciating pain just adds to the “peanut butter” shot’s awfulness.
In 2006, a film about how 300 Spartan warriors, led by a king known as Leonidas, went to war against a massive Persian army debuted in cinemas across the globe.
The film was an instant success. Suddenly, it was a universally accepted fact that Spartans kicking the crap out of someone is a reliable way of ending a dispute. The story follows King Leonidas, a man bred to be a warrior king from the moment he was born, as he leads his loyal army against Greece’s enemies.
Though extremely outnumbered, Leonidas valorously leads his mean up against the odds and ends up dying alongside them in battle — which is totally unheard of today.
Many so-called “leaders” actually lead from the rear, which means they issue an order, watch their men do all the dangerous sh*t, and then take all credit for it.
King Leonidas was in front of all the battle formations and would often step forward, on his own, to kill as many people as possible.
That’s what we call a freakin’ leader.
2. He f*cks the enemy up on the spot
King Leonidas wasn’t out to win any hearts or minds. Instead, he intended to rip out your heart and put a blade through your mind.
If you come around his FOB and talk sh*t, he’ll Spartan kick you in front of everybody.
3. He is the same person at home as he is with his men
Some troops in high positions shed their aggression when they get home — not King Leonidas. In fact, he started training his son in hand-to-hand combat while he was still wearing diapers. That’s what we call “startin’ em off early.”
4. He knows a sh*tty soldier when he sees one
Leonidas knows talent when he sees it. He plainly dismisses a fellow Greek’s plea to fight the Persian empire because he wasn’t physically capable of fighting like a true Spartan. Real leaders don’t want you on their team if you can’t keep up with the rest of the hard-chargers.
Leonidas develops a master plan to use the land to his advantage and take out a vast Persian army with only 300 men. The idea works, too, until that dude who he denied earlier snitches him out like a punk-a**. It happens.
Nobody wants to do work. It’s just one of those boxes that need to be checked every single day.
Maybe you’re just not feeling like dealing with a handful of mundane tasks that day. Perhaps you see an avalanche of bullsh*t barreling downhill and you’d rather not get run over. You might just be trying to earn your initiation into the E-4 Mafia / Lance Corporal Underground.
Whatever your personal motivations, be sure to try a few of these tricks for getting through the day without raising suspicions.
“Yep. That’s a thing. Better move onto that other thing over there.”
There’s no skating method more tried and true than walking around with a clipboard and randomly stopping to look at things. For maximum effect, pretend like you’re checking for and marking off serial numbers.
As much as we all love this one — and believe me, it’s a classic — people catch on after a while.
Just be sure to pick up a few things. Not a lot, though — remember, you’re still trying to be lazy.
(Photo by Cpl. Michael Dye)
Walk around with a trash bag
This one’s similar to the clipboard, but this time, you’re being “proactive” by helping clean up the place.
If you take your time and maybe even clean some things up, you can help prevent an actual police call of the company area.
Why do you think so many NCOs volunteer to do this? You think most NCOs do it to keep unit integrity? Hell no.
(U.S. Army Courtesy Photo)
Help motivate the stragglers during PT
During every morning run, there’s always that one person who just barely keeps up with everyone’s pace. Eventually, they start slowing down. That’s your opportunity to slow down with them and help “bring them back.”
They may not be able to keep up and might fall out completely. But until then, you get a chance to catch your breath and look like you’re helping push your battle buddy along in the process.
No one is immune to the lure of the gut truck!
(Photo by Sgt. 1st Class Ben K. Navratil)
Call the gut truck but DON’T go to it
Need the perfect distraction for about ten to twenty minutes? Call the gut truck. People will think you’re doing them all a favor and that you’re taking ten seconds to call up the truck out of the kindness of your heart.
Immediately, everyone from the lowest private to the senior officers will drop what they’re doing to grab a quick bite to eat. That’s your cue to enjoy the silence until they get back.
No one will notice that you’re secretly making everyone run slower.
(Photo by Sgt. Natalie Dillon)
No one ever questions or understands how vital the cadence caller is to morning PT.
Think about it: The entire platoon/company isn’t just running at the pace of the lead runner, it’s running at the pace of the person calling cadence. The unit moves to the rhythm of every beat. If you control that rhythm, things will move at your pace.
Fake it ’til you make it.
(U.S. Army Courtesy photo)
Just look motivated
If there’s any common thread between skaters across all branches, it’s that they all need to pretend like they’re excited and happy to be there.
A fake smile will take you everywhere. If you look good, you are good, right?
Check out these five military veteran comedians you should look out for in 2018.
5. Mitch Burrow
This Marine veteran served in Operation Iraqi Freedom in 2003. Afterward, he started a career in manufacturing, but quickly realized that it sucked. He began his stand-up comedy career after driving down to the Comedy Store in La Jolla, drinking three shots of tequila and a couple of Budweisers, and getting on stage. Later, Mitch was told it went pretty well.
To follow Mitch or check out one of his shows visit his website: MitchBurrow.com.
4. Thom Tran
After enlisting in the Army at 18, Thom spent most of his career as a Communications Sergeant and Civil Affairs Sergeant. Thom decided to become a comedian after sustaining an injury during combat operations.
In 2008, he moved to Los Angeles and soon created The GIs of Comedy tour — a show that travels the world performing for both military and civilian audiences.
3. Isaura Ramirez
After serving 13 years in the Army, this former captain deployed to Iraq for 15 months. When she returned home, Isaura enrolled herself in a comedy class as a form of expression.
This Philadelphia native joined the Marine Corps at 18, serving as an infantry rifleman (0311) with 3rd Battalion 6th Marines. After leaving the Corps in the mid-90s, Rocco moved to Los Angeles where he’s had luck landing gigs, including headlining his act at several comedy stores throughout the U.S.
This comedian and Marine veteran also serves the community as a knowledgeable yoga instructor
Before James was cracking up audiences with his flawless stand-up routine, he was giving orders while stationed at Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton. This former captain served in both Operation Desert Shield and Storm before exiting from the Corps.
Now, he performs wherever he can find work, but you follow him on his website JamesPConnolly.com.
They will be here all week and don’t forget to tip your waiter.
Got any vets you think will make us laugh? Leave a comment.
Army veteran Russell Davies knows all about taking the big plunge back into civilian life after military service. As a member of the Army’s 101st Airborne Division, he served tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and became a recipient of the Purple Heart.
Now a professional whitewater kayaker, Davies has made a name for himself both in competition and as a dominator of the biggest, burliest whitewater on the planet.
“Yeah, sometimes Class V just isn’t enough.” “Totally.” (Go90 Oscar Mike screenshot)
“Oscar Mike” host Ryan Curtis caught up with Davies in Horseshoe Bend, Idaho, to see what a day on the water is all about, but what he found there goes a whole lot deeper.
As a civilian, Davies has given himself a new mission: to help returning veterans address the challenges of PTSD and depression through participation in extreme sports. His organization aims to connect vets to the kind of positive, purpose-driven adrenaline rush that he found through kayaking.
But, lest you fear the day was all mutual support and quiet healing, our host — true to form — came through with an 11th hour challenge that once again pushed him to the brink of washing out.
Watch as Davies shows Curtis why real men wear (spray) skirts and the only water worth knowing is white in the video embedded at the top.
Platoon sergeants have to be jacks-of-all-trades to handle their many roles. They must balance the welfare of their troops and supervise training evolutions all while keeping up with the platoon’s administrative tasks — it’s a lot of work.
When you first enter the unit as a newbie boot, it’s rare that you’ll ever get to know much about your platoon sergeant outside of their name, rank, and how many countries they’ve deployed to. However, there are others who pride themselves on getting to know a few things about each one of their troops. Every platoon sergeant has their own style of leading that works best for them.
But, if you’re in the infantry, you’ll come in contact with at least five different types of platoon sergeants in a grunt unit.
Some platoon sergeants take a back seat to their other NCOs when it comes training their troops. Others want to spearhead the training and break everything down themselves, “Barney style” — which isn’t a bad thing.
2. The organized pointer
This type of platoon sergeant has practically seen it all and done it all. He shows up prepared and ready to kick ass. They know what they need and how to get the job done.
3. The one who wants to get in the fight
This motivated leader helps plan out missions and even lends a hand when they aren’t in battalion-level meetings.
4. The one who loves themselves some training
These are one of our favorite types. They’re the ones who will strap on a heavy pack and go on a ruck march to prove they can lead, and that they’ve still “got it.”
After a 12-mile hike, this platoon sergeant is still smiling — no big deal. (NCO Journal photo by Clifford Kyle Jones)
This is the type that when he speaks, everyone in the platoon listens like the words are spoken from scripture. He’s earned the right to be heard by everyone. Other up-and-coming grunts hope they’ll be like him someday.
Technically, there are five branches of service to choose from if you’re thinking about joining the military (including the Coast Guard). There’s a high level of rivalry among branches that can spark a lot of friendly sh*t talking. As veterans, we still love to take cheap shots at one another — but it’s always in good fun.
We’ve said it time-and-time again that the military has a dark sense of humor and we flex those comedic muscles at the other branches as often as possible. Since the U.S. Navy is hands-down the most dominant force to ever patrol the high seas, sailors do things that no other branch can do: kick ass while floating in the middle of nowhere.
The Army and the Air Force can’t compete with the Navy since they have no ships. The Marines can’t conduct business without the Navy navigating them around the world. Lastly, The Coast Guard is a bunch of land-hugging puddle jumpers.
Since we managed to sh*t talk to everyone (in good fun), it’s time to nail each of them, once again, through memes making you reconsider why you didn’t join the Navy instead.
No matter how badass and powerful you might think you are, remember, the U.S. Navy is way freakin’ bigger… and they’re coming for you.
Russia recently announced that a nuclear strike was on the table after Norway allowed 330 U.S. Marines into the country.
Not 330 Marine divisions. Not 330 tanks and their crews. But 330 Marines with their personal gear.
You know, enough Marines to firmly hold a small town, but about 380,000 fewer troops than the U.S. used to invade Iraq.
But Russia has freaked out like this is a huge military force staged on their border instead of a couple of hundred troops 600 miles away. Frants Klintsevitsj, the deputy chairman of Russia’s defense and security committee, even went on national TV and said that Norway had been added to Russia’s target list for nuclear weapons.
Listen to the author and other veterans talk about the damage 330 U.S. Marines can do on the Mandatory Fun podcast.
It turns out that most people have been underestimating Marines since 330 of them are apparently such a strategic threat that it necessitates a nuclear deterrent. In light of this new information, here are six things that 330 Marines could do on their own:
1. Conquer Russia, obviously
Clearly. Russia has basically admitted it.
2. Kill Xerxes and use his bones to beat the rest of the Persian Army to death
The famed 300 Spartans at Thermopylae did a good job holding back the Persian forces, but they’re not a nuclear-equivalent force like the Marines are. And, the Marines enjoy a 10 percent size advantage against the Spartans. Expect the Marines to quickly cut their way through to Xerxes’ private traveling palace, dismantle the god-king, and use his bones as cudgels against the rest of the Persian army.
3. Install Gen. James Mattis as the Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas
Since Idi Amin died in 2003, the Earth has gone without a Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas. While Amin was seen as a lackluster Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas, this was mainly because he was more interested in being a tyrant of humans than anything else.
But, 330 Marines could easily quash the lions or any other animal who tries to claim dominion over our planet’s living creatures. This would allow them to install their favorite candidate for anything ever, Gen. James “Mad Dog” Mattis.
5. Conquer all of Westeros and sit on the Iron Throne
Seriously, it’s been six seasons already. It’s time for the Marines to end the ongoing instability of Westeros and install a strong leader. Mattis would be a great king if he’s not interested in beasts and fishes, but there are certainly other Devil Dogs who could sit on the throne. Rob Riggle might do it.
6. Claim the Arctic circle for America, including the parts that are already property of other countries
A race for resources has slowly gotten underway in the Arctic, and the 330 Marines in Norway could go ahead and take over the whole area. Since the Arctic circle is only 310 miles north of the Marines training area at Vaernes, Norway, it would actually be easier for them to head to the Arctic than for them to attempt an invasion of Russia.