7 of the top ways the military ages you - We Are The Mighty
Humor

7 of the top ways the military ages you

Much like dogs, it is said that servicemen and women age at seven times the rate of civilians while on active duty.


Long hours, high standards, and a constantly combat-ready mindset are key factors in this unpublished (read: not real) scientific study that has been conducted by the subjects themselves for over 243 years.

Not convinced? Well, as they say, “the proof is in the pudding,” and what follows is evidence that cannot be denied.

1. Growing gray hair.

There really isn’t too much needed to qualify this statement. Serving in the military will give you gray hair due to the crazy stress service members face during their time in uniform.

 

7 of the top ways the military ages you
A 24-year-old Sgt. after two deployments (Photo by Sgt. Jacob H. Harrer)

2. Making awful noises when standing up.

All branches are included, but we’re highlighting Army and Marine Corps infantry specifically on this one.

Humping heavy packs, digging fighting positions, sleeping outdoors, and sprinting in full battle rattle has left these once-youthful specimens grunting like f*cking elephants any time they try to stand from a seated position.

3. Complaining about kids today.

Deploying overseas can sometimes make it seem like time stands still. You get no new music and you have limited contact with the outside world as pop culture grows and transforms.

This, combined with the mass re-prioritization of values that happens during basic, cultivates some condescending views towards civilians of the same generation.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Accurate. (Image via Terminal Lance)

4. Talking about the good ol’ days.

It’s been said that you must earn your happy memories through hard times. The greater the shared hardship with friends, the happier the memories when reminiscing about it later.

There is no shortage of shared hardship while in good company in the military, so a group of veteran 20-somethings getting together and sharing war stories from the “good ol’ days” is not uncommon.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Just a couple of buddies (Photo by Airman 1st class Alexis C. Schultz)

5. Enjoying black coffee and quiet mornings.

It’s just nice to wake up an hour or so before you need to and enjoy some peace and quiet with a cup of joe.

Most people don’t fully understand this majesty until they are well into their fifties, but sleeping in the field is generally uncomfortable, so appreciating the joys waking up early and having hot coffee is instilled in troops at a much younger age.

6. Talking about driving directions and the weather.

This bleeds over from route selection and weather statuses with regard to mission accomplishment.

It becomes a habit to ensure that when you’re going and how you’re getting there is planned appropriately and military members love discussing these tactics — even if it’s at a BBQ with some beers and buddies.

7. Reading books about war.

People like to read about things that apply to them — subjects they relate to. So, it comes as no surprise that books about war are of interest to the GWOT generation.

That and the exploits of our fathers and grandfathers always seems more badass because of the lack of technologies we are blessed with today.

Articles

China deploys rappers to fight US missile defense

China’s fight against the deployment of a battery of Terminal High-Altitude Air Defense missiles has now expanded to the deployment of hip-hop.


No, you didn’t read that wrong – China’s now using a rap video as a form of public diplomacy against the ballistic missile defense system, according to a report by the New York Times. The video seems to be bombing, with less than 50,000 views on YouTube.

The video, in English and Chinese, urges South Korea to reconsider the system’s deployment.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
AiirSource Military | YouTube

Dubbed “CD Rev,” the rap group is based out of Sichuan, China, and has done other videos in support of Beijing’s government — including one on that country’s claims in the South China Sea, a maritime flashpoint involving five other countries, as well as a video celebrating the legacy of Mao Tse-Tung.

A London Daily Mail report from 2011 noted that Mao was responsible for at least 45 million deaths during “The Great Leap Forward,” a brutal attempt to shift the country from an agricultural-based economy to an industrial one.

The deployment of THAAD has drawn sharp criticism from China – and the reactions have included hacking that targeted the South Korean company that allowed the battery of missiles to be placed on a golf course it owned. The South Korean Ministry of Foreign Affairs was also hacked. China has also been blocking videos of South Korean artists, particularly from the K-pop genre.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Heritage.org

South Korea recently elected Moon Jae-in, who has favored diplomacy with North Korea, as President after the impeachment and removal from office of Park Geun-Hye.

The THAAD battery, consisting of six launchers that each hold eight missiles along with assorted support vehicles, was deployed to South Korea to counter the threat posed by North Korea’s ballistic missiles. According to ArmyRecognition.com, the system has a range of over 600 miles.

The United States has other options to shoot down a North Korean ballistic missile, including the sea-based RIM-161 Standard SM-3. The system is considered far more capable than the MIM-104 Patriot systems that the United States, Japan, and South Korea have deployed.

Here’s the video from CD Rev:

Humor

4 unusual tasks Corpsman do that their recruiters left out

When men and women around the globe enlist in the Navy with a contract to become Corpsmen, it’s a pretty good feeling.


Good recruiters can make chipping paint and shining brass sound bad ass (“think of the adventure!”), but let’s be honest: they have quotas to fill each month, people.

For the most part, they’ll tell you the truth about what will be asked of you while you serve, but there are some details that don’t make it into the recruiting pamphlets.

As a “Doc,” you’ll get to work alongside and assist Doctors, nurses, and IDCs (Independent Duty Corpsmen), gaining knowledge from them to support your career moving forward; but that’s not all you’ll have to do.

Check out these unusual tasks Corpsmen never saw coming.

Also read: 6 tips to get a ‘sick in quarters’ chit in the military

1. The silver bullet

Probably the most popular slang “medical” term in any branch. Typically, temperature is taken orally, but if someone falls out of a hike or PT because of heat exhaustion…standby for the bullet.

Feared by all

2. Having sick call in your barracks room

7 of the top ways the military ages you
And the day after that and the day after that… (Image via giphy and Simpsons World).

When Corpsmen get stationed with the Marines (also known as the Greenside), you typically live with them in the barracks. This also means a lot of your medical gear is right there in the room with you.

If your Marines love you, which most of them do, they tend to show up at your barracks door at 0400 for an I.V. treatment to “rehydrate” them an hour before mandatory PT.

The B.A.S. or Battalion Aid Station isn’t open on nights, weekends, or early mornings — just normal office hours.

3. Bore punching

Working sick call as a boot Corpsman, you’ll get exposed to some interesting on-job-training. Bore punching is a euphemism for swabbing male genitals for an STD with a 6 inch Q-tip. Yup! Right down the pee hole.

If your Chief or Lieutenant are “too busy” and they say you need to do it for a patient — you need to do it.

Welcome to the Navy, baby!

4. Finger waving

No, this isn’t the newest break dancing move or a classy way to hit on someone at the bar — it’s the alternative name for a rectal exam. It is shocking what the Navy allows Corpsman to do after only 12-16 weeks of training.

Don’t forget the lube! Can you think of any more? Comment below. And don’t forget to include all the slang terms for Corpsmen.
popular

This is the military branch R. Lee Ermey says Marines made fun of the most

Deep down, we all knew it was going to be the Coast Guard.


In 2015, a TMZ reporter stopped R. Lee Ermey at the airport and asked if he had to pick one branch to send into a fight, who would it be?

This is “The Gunny” we’re talking about. You’re damn right he trusts the Corps and every knuckle dragging Jarhead in it. Next were the Squids, because SEALS. Then soldiers, because Special Forces.

No love for the Chair Force.

But when the reporter asked Ermey “When you were in the Marines, which branch did you make fun of?” And with a grin on his face, The Gunny jokes “That would be Uncle Sam’s Canoe Club“.

But that had to have been from back in his active duty days. No one would ever make fun of the branch that’s closest to the TSA Agents staffing metal detectors in our nation’s air ports these days, right?

It’s all in good fun, guys. Only family can mock family. “You know, everyone bleeds the same color,” Ermey said.

Humor

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Sept. 29

In Saudi Arabia, women are driving.


In America, women are graduating the Marine Corps Infantry Officer Course.

In Germany, women are being re-elected to their fourth consecutive term as Chancellor.

Ok, so America isn’t perfect but at least we didn’t elect HITLER, amirite?

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This is literally the least offensive person I could put here. Bet you thought a Trump joke was coming.

You know what IS perfect? The invention of the meme. More specifically, memes from the veteran community. Here are the funniest we found this week.

1. Let’s start with the Coast Guard (said no one ever). (via Coast Guard Memes)

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Now they can wear the same NWU but pretend they aren’t interchangeable.

2. It’s now fall, but it will soon be winter. Get ready.

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Winter is coming.

3. Stay warm with Urban Outfitters new Air Force supply stores.

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No one’s a thief, we’re just trying to get our sh*t back.

4. The best part about Fall? Football is back!

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I’m always in the beer line during the national anthem so I’ve never noticed who stood or sat. Or kneeled. Also, all of those guys look like the E-6s in my first unit.

5. And who’s looking forward to Thanksgiving?

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Pearl Jam has a song about this.

6. Maintainers will probably not get that holiday. Or many holidays. (via Maintainer Humor)

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I was a nonner and can also say this for my career.

7. Everyone gets more breaks than maintainers.

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I clearly don’t know what grunt life is like.

8. For the E-4s of the world, it’s quality over quantity. (via Why I’m Not Re-Enlisting)

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Haters will say it’s photoshop.

9. But when you make NCO, Thursdays get more special.

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This is the title of my autobiography.

10. Also, I get the feeling my girl’s been cheating on me.

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We get that feeling too.

11. Isn’t it worth it just to wear the uniform?

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Some days. Not today. But some days.

12. Keep holding on to that dream.

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Just ETS things.

13. For now, just do what you do best.

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And dip.

Articles

Why a zombie apocalypse will never happen on America’s watch

Let’s face it. The world likes — and America loves — zombie movies.


The idea of having to fight across the countryside and through clustered cities, cutting down hordes of the undead with a shotgun is enticing.

That’s why zombie movies and video games do so well. The “Resident Evil” franchise released its sixth film 20 years after its first video game hit the market. That’s a two-decade run for, “Zombies, but like, monsters, too.”

But, sorry, Milla Jovovich fans. There is no way that a zombie outbreak is taking over the U.S. or any allied country while the American military is around. Here’s how the U.S. would respond to a zombie outbreak, shutting it down quickly.

First, let’s assume that an entire country was ravaged before America geared up, just for funsies. (But, really, military human intelligence collectors and signal intelligence should have given us the heads up before a single town was wiped out). And let’s assume it’s a country that emphatically said the U.S. military wasn’t welcome, and that’s why the outbreak went on as long as it did.

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Seriously, we’re always looking for somewhere cool to send these. We’d be happy to come hang out. (Photo: U.S. Army)

So, Russia is gone. (It’s the country that hates the U.S. the most, according to this recently Googled list). While the rest of the world is sad that they’ll never again see such awesome paratrooper music videos as Russia makes, it’s time for someone to put a stop to the epidemic.

Enter the U.S. military. If the Russian military managed to wipe out only 10 percent of their zombie population while trying to contain the outbreaks — a pretty low estimate for any modern military facing off against shambling, diseased civilians — that would leave approximately 130 million zombies for the U.S. to kill before they can cross any of the 12,421 miles of border.

In other words, varsity numbers.

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Troops would probably pay for the chance to mow down zombies, even if it had to be done in the snow. (Photo: U.S. Air Force Airman 1st Class Javier Alvarez)

But America has a varsity military. On active duty, the U.S. has over 450,000 soldiers; 182,000 Marines; 323,000 sailors who man and support 274 battle force ships; and 325,000 airmen supporting and flying 5,032 aircraft.

And, Russia has good topography for containing zombies. Because of the mountain ranges (in black, below) and the Arctic Circle (in red), there are only a few places where zombies could conceivably break out of Russia to threaten the rest of the world in large numbers.

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Zombies can only get out of Russia through some limited breakout zones, and that one to the east is pretty useless because it runs straight into the Sea of Okhotsk. (Map: Public domain. Graphics: crudely drawn by Logan Nye)

So, small contingents of the Navy can patrol the Arctic and a few dozen companies of POGs can guard the mountain ranges, picking off the few zombies lucky enough to make it through the mountain passes.

But the western and southern breakout zones could be huge problems for American allies and the world as a whole.

The southern breakout zones would give the zombies access to Kazahkstan and maybe Mongolia. The western gives a large front that hits Ukraine, Estonia, Latvia, and Finland. It also hits Belarus, but they hate America nearly as much as Russia does, so screw ’em.

And Russia’s population is centered near that breakout zone, meaning that most zombies will be in good shape when they try to pour into NATO.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
There’s nothing in so good a shape that it can resist an Apache, though. (Photo: Ministry of Defence)

So what could 632,000 ground combatants supported by the largest navy and the most advanced air force in the world possibly do against 130 million zombies?

Lol. They would kill an average of 205.7 zombies each, and it would be awesome.

The Navy would park multiple carriers in the Baltics and Barents seas. From there, they could fly strike aircraft and sensor platforms to find and target large clusters of zombies.

The Air Force would bring its own strike and ground attack planes as far east in Europe as they could hold the line. From there, A-10s and AC-130s would rain hot lead in support of ground pounders while B and F-series planes blanket the countryside with bombs.

Finally. Guilt-free carpet bombing is back.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
We’re going to need more zombies. (Photo: U.S. Air Force)

And sure, none of these are the headshots needed to permanently put down a zombie. But a few hundred pounds of explosives will mess up a zombie’s legs pretty badly, as will 30 mike-mike through the chest. Pretty sure that will make the infantry and other ground maneuver forces’ jobs a little easier.

Speaking of which, the Marine Corps and Army are going to love the most entertaining range they’ve ever held. Think about it. What sucks most about range days? First, being put on target detail. And, second, having to shut down the range every time a turtle wanders by.

Guess what? No one is going to order a range halt because of a turtle when a bio menace is marching towards Paris. And there’s no need for a target detail when the targets can be lured with the sound of gunfire.

So, the Marines and soldiers basically get to call shots to each other as they gun down crippled zombies over a couple of thousand miles of the Russian border. If the engineers can wait to shoot zombies long enough to dig a couple of trenches and raise concertina obstacles, it’ll delay the already wounded zombies even further.

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The best is going to be when people start stealing AAVs, tanks, and Strykers and driving them over zombies. (Photo: U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Xzavior T. McNeal)

And don’t think the artillery and mortarmen are going to let a chance to practice against undead targets pass them by.

The biggest challenge is going to be making sure that all those cavalry, infantry, etc. have enough ammo. But remember, American logistics troops train to maintain operations in a contested environment. This time, they would have completely safe roads, railways, and rivers to use without fear of significant enemy resistance.

Hell, the operation could probably be catered.

So soldiers and Marines could simply mow down the oncoming hordes, talking the machine guns and interchanging barrels to prevent a meltdown. No Milla Jovovich needed (though she would probably be welcome on a USO tour or something).

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Yeah. Probably welcome. (Photo: YouTube/Sony Pictures Entertainment)

Of course, the Navy SEALs can be used to clean out river deltas where zombies were washed downstream attempting a crossing, and the Green Berets can jump into zombie-held territory to try and train up survivors for resistance operations if they like.

But zombie operations are basically just the world’s easiest siege. None of the enemies can tunnel, or use weapons, or conduct coordinated military operations. Easy, peasy.

Articles

11 hiding spots for an E-4 to sham

Yeah. Sure. Not every E-4 has an engine room to hide out in, but there are plenty of other places to skate.


Now, there’s a fine line between when you just need a moment to yourself and when you’re screwing over your comrades — don’t be the guy who crosses this line.

If you need to hide, do it in a place where you’re only just a call away. That way you can keep shamming and your buddies can still cover for you.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
You can’t win wars without ’em. (Image courtesy of Under the Radar)

This list is purely for entertainment purposes. If you get caught and blame it on an article you read — that’s on you.

1. In plain sight

7 of the top ways the military ages you
(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

If you look like you’re squared away, people will assume you are…and will be none the wiser if you conveniently aren’t around when there’s a call for parade practice volunteers.

2. Sick Call

7 of the top ways the military ages you

Some say it’s “malingering.” Others say it’s “documenting it for the VA down the road.”

3.  Dental

7 of the top ways the military ages you
(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

As long as you actually show up, your leader shouldn’t see an issue with you getting your teeth taken care of.

4. Smoke Pit

7 of the top ways the military ages you
(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

How many times have we all heard the phrase “if you smoke, take five to ten. If you don’t, I need you to…”

There’s a lot of new faces around the smoke pit whenever they hear that.

5. Alterations

7 of the top ways the military ages you

Hey. You never know when the next Dress Uniform inspection is. Why not take the time to get it ready?

6. Post/Base Exchange (PX/BX)

7 of the top ways the military ages you

You’d be amazed at how lenient everyone becomes when you say the phrase “Anyone want anything from the shopette?”

#7. Inside a vehicle

7 of the top ways the military ages you
(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

Motor Pool Mondays. Someone has to check to see if the air conditioner is working or not.

8. Latrine

via GIPHYIf you got to go, you got to go. Just turn the sound off your phone before you play games.

 9. Charge of Quarters (CQ)

7 of the top ways the military ages you

Always try to get duty on a Thursday or the day before a four day starts. Who doesn’t want an extended weekend?

10. Barracks

7 of the top ways the military ages you

Be sure to use buzz words like “spotless” and “maintained” before sneaking off to play that new game you picked up earlier at the PX/BX.

11. Behind your rank

7 of the top ways the military ages you

It’s called a “Sham Shield” for a reason. Push that duty onto someone else while you wait for close of business formation.

*Bonus* At Fort Couch

If none of these places work for you and you just have to sham, PCS to Fort Couch. No one will get on you to do anything. You really will be on your “own f-cking program.”

via GIPHY
Humor

The 6 most OFP jobs in the military

For the uninitiated, OFP is a military initialism that means, “own f*cking program.” The term is commonly used by one service member in reference to another that seems to be immune from formations, uniform inspections, working parties, and the general tomf*ckery that goes along with being a part of the world’s most elite fighting forces.


This is not to say these individuals do not work hard or are not important to the fight. In fact, in most situations, the reason they are OFP is because of the vital tasks they perform — sometimes at odd hours.

Let’s explore the duties and responsibilities of the individuals the military allows to be on their own f*cking program.

Related: The origin of the ‘best’ rank in the Marines (Lance Corporal)

1. Military Working Dog Handler – all services

Military Working Dog handlers are responsible for the care and training of his or her service dog, which contributes to combat operations abroad and installation security at home by providing targeted odor detection (explosive/drug).

Service dogs, generally seen as a non-lethal option for neutralizing a threat, also serve as a psychological deterrent during law enforcement operations.

In other words, these badasses are expected to play with their dogs — it’s their job and no one can tell them not to.

2. Ammunition Technicians – all services (various titles)

Ammo techs do everything that needs to be done regarding ammunition, including receipt, storage, issue, and handling of ammunition and toxic chemicals.

They often spend hours driving around to various ranges ensuring compliance with standards regarding ammo. They often have their own office and a parking spot at the S-shops — all as an E-4.

7 of the top ways the military ages you

 

3. Enlisted Aide for Generals/Admirals – all services

Speaking of OFP, enlisted aides are responsible for… well, I’ll let the official enlisted aide guidebook do the talking:

The good news is your only boss is a general and he/she is usually very busy.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Serving more than the country. (Photo by Tony Lopez)

4. CBRN Defense Specialist – all services (various titles)

These are the sadists adorned in gas masks and HAZMAT suits, making their military brothers and sisters cry with CS gas (commonly called “tear gas” by Eagles fans).

They are tasked with monitoring, detecting, training for, and advising anything that has to do with Chemical, Biological, Radiological, or Nuclear threats.

CBRN personnel are often ridiculed for their abundant “spare time.”

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Yes, YES! It’s perfect! (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Brendan King)

5. Religious Program Specialist/Chaplain Assistant (“Chap-Ass”) – all services except the Marines

These motivators are tasked with supporting chaplains in any area that does not require ordination or pastoral counseling.

The title explains most of the job, however, these guys have one boss and he or she is generally the most understanding, kind, and generally happy person in uniform.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Let us pray. (U.S. Navy photo by Seaman Specialist Sabrina Fine)

Also Read: 7 things you didn’t know about the Marine Jungle Warfare Training Center

6. Marine Corps Infantry Weapons Specialist – aka “GUNNER”

A “Marine Gunner” is qualified to train Marines on the proper employment of all weapons systems organic to the infantry.  That includes, but is not limited to, pistols, rifles, machine-guns, rockets, mortars, missiles, explosives, and their associated accessories.

To qualify for selection as a “Marine Gunner,” you must be a Gunnery Sergeant with 16 years active duty in the infantry and have served as an Infantry Platoon Sergeant. Upon selection, Marines are promoted to the rank of Chief Warrant Officer 2, but a “Marine Gunner” is always referred to as “Gunner,” never CWO.

There are about 102 Gunners total in the Corps.

After a tour with an infantry battalion, they move on to billets as regimental and divisional Gunners, range OICs, and various other positions where Gunners continue to teach infantry skills to Marines.

And nobody… nobody, tells a Gunner to do sh*t.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
The Legendary Gunner Wade. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Alan Adison)

Humor

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Oct. 13

Another week down. Everything in the news is still terrible.


The White House is imploding. Hollywood is imploding. There’s a Friday the 13th in October.

But you know what you can count on?

Memes. And we have the best military memes around.

1. Nobody wants to work on weekends. Or ever. (via Pop Smoke)

7 of the top ways the military ages you
You can also apply this to any girlfriend I’ve ever had.

2. If you thought the news from Hollywood was bad…

7 of the top ways the military ages you
He may not be surprised that we’re still in Afghanistan though.

Read: 6 reasons why it would suck to be a Stormtrooper in Star Wars

3. At least the Army keeps it interesting.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Does this mean they have to bring back DCUs for Iraq and Afghanistan?

4. Blueberries are the new bell bottoms. (via Sh*t My LPO Says)

7 of the top ways the military ages you
I thought they swabbed decks.

5. Veterans day is coming. You can almost taste the free food.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Vets are getting more aggressive with it every year.

Also: 11 things your platoon medic would never say

6. Grandpa is sick of your bullsh*t. (via Decelerate Your Life)

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Be frightened of old sailors. I am.

7. It’s not just good advice. It’s reality.

7 of the top ways the military ages you

8. It’s the Navy birthday, but the Coast Guard can still ruin the party.

7 of the top ways the military ages you

Now: This Desert Storm gun is a favorite for special ops units

9. For some reason Veterans declared war on JROTC last week.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
They’re all gonna get officer ranks for this. If they, you know, survive.

10. If you know how this started, drop us a line.

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That kid doesn’t even have a single merit badge, I bet.

11. It ain’t about the merit badges, it’s about the freshman next to you.

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At least there’s no hot weapons. Because they’re in high school.

12. JROTC is the calm before the storm.

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That’s true bearing and discipline.

13. JROTC: Send us your best responses.

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Veterans only respect strength. They better be good.

Bonus: More of the best JROTC Memes. Enjoy your weekend!

7 of the top ways the military ages you
via Decelerate Your Life

 

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Zapp Brannigan had 30 Merit Badges as a Freshman.

Also Read: 11 regional American foods we’d like to see in MREs

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Operator AF.

 

7 of the top ways the military ages you
via Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said.

Humor

6 reasons why you need a sense of humor in the infantry

Serving in the infantry means long work days and carrying a lot of crap on our backs. So, how do we manage to continue?


Easy, we try and make the best out of every shitty situation that that presents itself — using humor.

If you can’t learn to crack a joke or laugh at yourself, your time with the grunts is going to be difficult.

Related: 7 things you should know before joining the infantry

So check out these six reasons why you need a sense of humor in the infantry

1. You have to find a way to laugh off the rough times.

Being deployed to a combat zone means you’re more than likely going to live through and see some crazy shit. After surviving a close call, it’s natural for troops to crack a dark joke or two in order to mentally settle themselves after a serious situation. Laughter is the best medicine.

It may not look healthy at first, but it works. 

2. Dark humor is therapeutic.

Combat zones can be intense and traumatic. Humor makes everything better!

Sometimes just being immature takes some of the pressure off. When you’re stationed out in the middle of nowhere, you don’t have much except the comedy that you come up with in your head. Fart and d*ck jokes are a great go-to comedy tools.

I just recorded the battalion commander peeing. 

3. We prank each other to help pass the time.

Grunts usually have a crap ton of downtime if they aren’t patrolling or manning a post. This allows us to come up with plenty of ways to prank another troop with what we have on hand — which isn’t much.

It takes awhile to come up with the pranks, but some troops are better than others.

Some troops just have it.

4. We play “grab ass” all the time.

After living, training, and being deployed for months on end, troops develop a bond that earns us the right to “ball tap” or play “grab ass” without much legal consequence. But if you play “grab ass” with another troop, you better sleep with one eye open as playful revenge is coming.

Someone is going to get themselves some payback later. 

This game is typically controlled under false pretenses as getting your mark into proper position can be challenging.

5. It boosts everyone’s morale.

When you’re deployed, the days tend to blend. Fridays feel like Mondays because no one is keeping track — we have the same routine every single day. Like we said before, laughter is the best medicine so if you can’t learn to laugh — it sucks to be you.

 

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Humor especially shows up in the battlefield

Also Read: 9 things you should know before becoming a Marine infantry officer

6. We constantly give each other shit because it’s our way of bonding.

Grunts don’t typically volunteer to talk about their hopes and dreams that often. Instead, we tell stories of being back home and the people we slept with (not sparing any details), as well as, how much beer we’re going to drink when we get home.

Joking and shit talking builds us pretty tight bonds. So if you can’t do that, once again, that sucks for you.

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8 times when the movie ‘Three Kings’ nailed what it’s like to be a soldier

You wouldn’t think a heist movie set during the Iraq War would provide a particularly accurate look at military life. But while the 1999 movie “Three Kings” has a lot of problems, it gets a surprising number of Army-life details right.


Here are seven times the filmmakers nailed it:

1. Troops waste key resources by having a water bottle fight in the middle of the desert:

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Ask your First Sergeant if it’s a good idea to waste life-giving water in the middle of a desert.

Yes, the ceasefire ending the war had just been announced, but this is still bad resource management.

2. An American officer communicates with Iraqis by speaking at the exact same time as his interpreter:

7 of the top ways the military ages you
(Screenshot: Three Kings)

We’re sure the Iraqi soldiers who can understand English are glad that you’re yelling it over the guy speaking Arabic. And your troops are probably enjoying the two loud audio streams washing over them all day.

3. A group of soldiers finds a secret document in a guy’s butt and it immediately falls to the junior soldier to pull it out:

7 of the top ways the military ages you
That glove is about to see some stuff.

This is literally the only time that it makes sense for a specialist to pull rank.

4. A Special Forces major is trying to get the story of what happened with the secret butt map and everyone on the base tells him a different rumor:

7 of the top ways the military ages you
The map may have been in a guy’s butt, his penis, or possibly stitched to the back of his head. (GIF: GIPHY)

Seriously, when did you ever get the truth on your first try from a base rumor mill?

5. A junior enlisted soldier is given the chance to ask questions about an upcoming, risky mission and he wastes it:

7 of the top ways the military ages you
(Screenshot: Three Kings)

Yeah, the Special Forces selections process is the most important thing to learn about before you conduct a four-man raid against an Iraqi bunker filled with gold.

6. A guy clearing his first bunker tries some stupid stuff that he saw in a movie and immediately regrets it:

7 of the top ways the military ages you

You shot a deadbolt. The deadbolt is still in the door. Your shoulder is not as strong as the iron holding that door in place. Moron.

7. When the group’s escape is ruined because the junior guy can’t find his gas mask that is supposed to be strapped to his leg.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
(Screenshot: Three Kings)

Notice that while he doesn’t have his mask — which is essential to surviving the gas weapons that have already been used in this war — strapped to his person, but his survival knife is easily accessible. Because he’ll definitely need that knife.

8. A blue falcon immediately dimes out the group to the senior brass, even though no one has asked him a question:

7 of the top ways the military ages you
(Screenshot: Three Kings)

Seriously, Private Falcon, no one asked you. Just stand there quietly.

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9 reasons why you should have joined the Army instead

If you didn’t pick the U.S. Army that day you walked through your local strip mall mulling over which branch to choose, then you missed out.


Let’s face it. The demonym most people use for troops and service members is soldier. And there’s a damn good reason for that!

#1. We do awesome sh*t constantly.

Can you believe that civilians actually pay to go camping or to the shooting range?

You can forever play the “Oh, you think that is cool? Well I did…” stories in the lunch room at work.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
This is just a Thursday for us. (U.S. Army Photo by Visual Information Specialist, Erich Backes)

#2. Because James Earl Jones.

The Marines may have Kylo Ren from the new Star Wars films, but we had his grandpa, Darth Vader.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Who else can claim they have two Emmys, a Golden Globe, an Oscar, two Tonys, and a Ranger Tab?

#3. No one ever wanted to dress up as a Marine, Sailor, or Airman as a kid.

Kids running around with toy guns? They’re playing Army.

G.I. Joe? Mostly associated with the Army.

Those little green Army men? You get my point.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
You never see these guys eating crayons, so you know they’re not Marines (Image by 41330 from Pixabay)

#4. We actually get to play with our cool toys.

Show of hands. How many airmen and sailors actually got to fly the planes or steer the ships their branch is known for doing? Now how many soldiers got to use the weapons our branch is known for using? Thought so.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Photo by U.S. Air Force civilian photographer Justin Connaher

#5. The Army has style.

We have always had the freshest looking uniforms throughout military history. Even when you’ve low crawled in the mud, Army uniforms look better than whatever the hell the Navy calls their blueberry uniforms.

Related: This is what you should know about the return of the ‘pinks and greens’

7 of the top ways the military ages you
Photo by Catherine Lowrey

#6. Our boy, Captain America, is one of the most recognizable fictional characters.

Show a picture of Captain America to nearly anyone. I bet you that they can tell you exactly what his name is and his branch of service.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
His hair and uniform are definitely out of regulations, but screw it. Once you have a Combat Infantryman Badge you can pretty much get away with whatever. (Film distributed by Paramount Pictures)

#7. No guts. No glory.

Yeah. Things suck some times. No denying that.

But if you don’t embrace the suck, live the suck, love the suck, and become the suck — you don’t have the privilege of calling yourself a bad ass.

7 of the top ways the military ages you
These are some of the best times and the worst times we ever had. (U.S. Army Photo by Maj. Kamil Sztalkoper)

#8. You personally get to deliver 5.56mm of freedom at a max effective range at 500 meters to piece of sh*t terrorists.

Every branch has POGs (Persons Other than Grunt.) Every branch has a version of a grunt. The Army has the highest “Hooah Sh*t” per capita. At least our POGs try to elevate themselves above their “glorified cheerleader” status.

The only down side is knowing that when you get out, you will never be as bad ass as you were when you were doing “Hooah Sh*t.”

7 of the top ways the military ages you

#9. Almost every iconic General officer in American history was in the Army.

Crack open a history book. Nearly every great General gained their notoriety in the U.S. Army. You’re in good hands.

Not to discredit the other branches who have given our country the best military tacticians the world has ever seen (because this list is done ‘tongue in cheek’ and at the end of the day, we’re all brothers and sisters on the same team).

7 of the top ways the military ages you

Related: 9 reasons you should have joined the Air Force instead

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