Watching “Star Trek” as a kid was awesome, and it didn’t matter which “Star Trek” it was. The original series? Great. The Next Generation? Yes, please. “Deep Space Nine?” How about Deep Space Yeah?
Even for 1990s television and 1980s movies, “Star Trek” had it all: Space battles, morality plays, explosions… everything a budding young nerd needs to ensure he doesn’t get a date until after high school. But childhood doesn’t last forever.
When you grow up and enlist in the real military, you start to notice that Starfleet is also a military organization. And then you begin to see a few things you never considered when you watched “Star Trek” shows and movies for the first time.
1. Almost everyone is an officer. And enlisted people don’t fare well.
All your favorite characters are Starfleet officers. All oft them. Only in the old “Star Trek” movies and shows did we ever really see enlisted Starfleet personnel.
When we do see enlisted people, they’re usually running away, falling, or struggling to survive somehow.
2. There was only one main character who was enlisted.
Chief Petty Officer Miles O’Brien was the only enlisted main character in any series who warranted a spot in the credits. It still didn’t earn him the respect he deserved. He was Starfleet’s most capable engineer, but the Federation still sent him to the front lines of a war against the Cardassians.
On “Deep Space Nine,” Captain Sisko once told him to do something that O’Brien said would take two weeks. Sisko ordered O’Brien to do it in three days.
As a matter of fact, the chief is always working, even when others are just hanging around. He doesn’t even get credit, recognition, or even a thank you. It’s so egregious, there’s even a Tumblr cartoon about it.
3. There are definitely Starfleet hair regs.
No one seems too concerned about faddish hairstyles, hair length, or anything like that. But dammit, your sideburns better meet Federation standards.
4. The entire crew of the 2009 movie was grossly unqualified.
They pretty much went from graduating from Starfleet Academy to becoming the ranking officers on the Federation’s most advanced starship. This is like an entire crew of ensigns being tasked to command an aircraft carrier on their first day.
Also, the only reason Captain Kirk made it into Starfleet Academy at all was because he lost a bar fight. If that’s the ideal criteria for becoming a naval officer, there’s a fleet of United States Marines ready to go to Annapolis.
Everyone in Starfleet should be dead.
5. Captain Kirk was probably not the best captain ever.
Someone actually calculated the number of people who died under Kirk’s command in “Star Trek: The Original Series.” Capt. James T. Kirk lost 12 percent of the crewmen who served under him. If the USS Gerald Ford lost 12 percent of its crew over the span five years, that would be almost 600 sailors. These are almost Fort Hood-level casualties.
This fact doesn’t settle one of the Internet’s first controversies —the Picard vs. Kirk debate —but it’s worth mentioning. Despite Kirk’s horrific losses, Kirk only lost one Enterprise, but he took out a bunch of enemy Klingons in the process. Captain Picard lost two ships (almost a third), and rammed one of those ships into another ship without giving the crew time to escape.
It’s okay. Those yeomen knew what could happen when they enlisted.
6. Starfleet ships explode really easily.
Every space battle will toss around a few crewmen. It’s like the Federation just stores explosives in random places on the bridge, which seems like a bad idea.
7. Federation ships are really easy to fly.
Literally anyone can fly these ships. Imagine seeing a random Marine taking control of the USS Gerald Ford because its helmsman was killed in combat. You’d probably just abandon ship right away to save time. Whereas, on “Star Trek,” if a helmsman goes down, just a few buttons are needed to keep the Enterprise flying, even during a battle.
8. There are some PT standards.
The only overweight officer we ever saw on “Star Trek” was Scotty, played by actor James Doohan, who was a World War II hero, so shut your pie hole.
Besides, he didn’t put on weight until he was much older, so those Federation PT standards must also be adjusted by age. Despite his weight, it’s worth noting that he and Uhura are the only red shirts who have ever survived.
9. Hand-to-hand combat is much slower in the future.
Sure, I was in the Air Force, but anyone who’s seen a bar fight knows the stuff hits the fan pretty fast. Much faster than they fight on “Star Trek.” Maybe it’s all part of Federation/Starfleet combatives training.
It’s also much slower in the past. Every time a “Star Trek” crew goes back in time, the fighting never seems to get any more intense. When Captain Kirk went back to Earth in the 1960s, it took longer for an Air Force officer to pass out than it took to punch him in the face.
10. Klingon warriors are also not that good at fighting.
The Klingons are supposed to be the galaxy’s elite warrior race, but every time they attack the Enterprise (or any “Star Trek” crew), they really come up short. In “Star Trek: Generations,” Klingons surprised the Enterprise crew with weapons that could go right through the ship’s shields. And they STILL lost.
Their ground tactics aren’t much better.
11. OPSEC is OPtional.
The captain of the Enterprise routinely goes to the ship’s bartender for advice on the latest missions.
Forget that she’s 500 years old, she’s never been in Starfleet, and her biggest enemy is an immortal who is not restricted to the limits of space and time. It just seems like a bad idea to tell her everything.
