5 reasons why no one really cares about the FNG’s basic training stories

Once you've completed your branch's initial entry training, you're officially entered into the ranks of one of the most prestigious fighting forces the world has ever seen. Congratulations. You've done something difficult that your civilian peers couldn't even imagine. The day you graduate should be a moment of pride. You've earned the right to call other troops and veterans family.

With all of that being said — good job: You've done the exact same thing that literally every single troop has done before you. Unless you've got some grand story that doesn't center around being yelled at, your story isn't interesting to rest of us.

Why?

Oh? Your DS had a wicked sense of humor? Hate to break it to you, kid, but they all need one to handle years of idiot recruits.

We've heard it all before

Quick: Describe your entire time at basic training using just a few words. Chances are, it sounds a lot like, "we got yelled at, told to do push-ups, and were given a brief moment of levity when the drill sergeant showed compassion for a half a second before snapping at anyone who tried to take advantage of that moment of humanity." Sound about right?

The details may differ slightly and the set-up to a joke the drill sergeant played on a recruit may change, but that's about it.

They're more like "freedom baseballs" in the hands of grunts.

We do way more interesting things in the unit

You may have done some pretty cool sh*t back at Sand Hill. You got to go to the range and, if you're old school, you got to toss a grenade. Out of the entire nine weeks you spent in training, there are roughly 3-ish days of cool sh*t happening.

At the unit, those kind of days are always on the training calendar and, just a heads up, no one tosses grenades like a shot put in the real world.

The M203 is one of the greatest things the Army ever adapted. Someone must have just been like, "I know bayonets are awesome and all, but what if we had one that shot grenades." A true American legend.

(Meme by We Are The Mighty)

We have all of the cooler toys at the unit

Riding in the back of an LMTV with the entire platoon packed in like sardines is fun and all, but it's nothing compared to the fun of actually driving one of those bad boys in the training area of Fort Irwin — doing doughnuts in the desert and whatnot.

Sure, grenades are always going to be cool, but hearing the PATHUNK of a M203 being fired into a plywood structure is the kind of moment that makes you question leaving the service.

Sure you do, buddy. Sure you do.

Recruits often miss the bigger point of training

FNGs often come out of basic with the grandiose idea that they're now some hardened badass who can take on the world because they shot "sharpshooter" and took combatives level one. That's cool and all, but you probably missed the things you were actually supposed to learn, like customs, courtesies, how to set up a uniform, how to march, and how chains of command work.

It's just the way things are. Regardless of when or where you went to basic, the Army needs its soldiers to know how to properly put on their uniform and address their superiors before they can move on to being badasses.

If you were honestly duped into falling for the "Emotional Support Drill Sergeant" meme, I heard the training room needs you to refill out a new ID 10-Tango form.

(Meme via Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Says)

Admittedly, each cycle of basic is slightly less intense than the cycle before it, but...

Don't tell me, let me guess: Your cycle was the "last of the good ones before everything got soft." That exact phrase has been used for as long as recruits have been graduating basic. In its own weird, paradoxical way, no one is lying but everyone is full of sh*t.

The needs of the Army shift so basic may encompass more tasks suited for a garrison lifestyle, but it should never be implied that the Army got soft. Your cycle wasn't given stress cards, cell phones, or desserts, sure — but that's probably because no cycle gets those, no matter how much your buddy's friend's cousin swore they're real.