These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force's formal 'Dining-In' - We Are The Mighty
MIGHTY HUMOR

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

The Dining-In is a military custom that predates the Air Force, the military, even the United States. There are many versions of it, whether that branch calls it Mess Night, Regimental Dinner, or something else. Though other branches hold these, this is one of the oldest traditions of the youngest branch of service.


The Dining-In is held at any unit level – Wing, Group, or Squadron. This is the most traditional form of Air Force unit social events, where dress uniforms are expected and rules and ceremony are to be followed. A proper Dining-In will include hails and farewells, as well as recognition for achievement. The function is supposed to be a morale-building event, after all.

The Dining-In is one of very few events in official Air Force culture where drinking a lot in front of your unit is encouraged and being an overachiever won’t get you sent to ADAPT. Just have a designated driver (or four) on stand-by. The rules are strict and many will be sent to the Grog Bowl (more on that later).

 

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

Chief Master Sgt. William Wade, the superintendent of the 59th Clinical Support Group, samples the grog at the 2nd Annual Joint Dining-In. (U.S. Air Force photo by Robbin Cresswell)

The Air Force iteration is said to have started in the 1930s with the Army Air Corps’ General H. “Hap” Arnold’s “wing dings.” Many of its original traditions are still very much alive. While the customs of the Dining-In holds formality above all else, it’s important to remember the point of this is to have fun and build morale.

Dress is considered “Black Tie.” Officers will be in mess dress, Enlisted will wear mess dress or semi-formal dress uniforms. Some events will have a military band present, and as such, the diners may be ordered to march to their seats.

And there are other orders.

The Rules of the Mess

  1. Thou shalt arrive within 10 minutes of the appointed hour.
  2. Thou shalt make every effort to meet all guests.
  3. Thou shalt move to the mess when thee hears the chimes and remain standing until seated by the President.
  4. Thou shalt not bring cocktails or lighted smoking material into the mess.
  5. Thou shalt smoke only when the smoking lamp is lit.
  6. Thou shalt not leave the mess whilst convened. Military protocol overrides all calls of nature.
  7. Thou shalt participate in all toasts unless thyself or thy group is honored with a toast.
  8. Thou shalt ensure that thy glass is always charged when toasting.
  9. Thou shalt keep toasts and comments within the limits of good taste and mutual respect. Degrading or insulting remarks will be frowned upon by the membership. However, good-natured needling is encouraged.
  10. Thou shalt not murder the Queen’s English.
  11. Thou shalt not open the hangar doors. (talk about work)
  12. Thou shalt always use the proper toasting procedures.
  13. Thou shalt fall into disrepute with thy peers if the pleats of thy cummerbund are not properly faced.
  14. Thou shalt also be painfully regarded if the clip-on bow tie rides at an obvious list. Thou shalt be forgiven, however, if thee also ride at a comparable list.
  15. Thou shalt consume thy meal in a manner becoming gentlepersons.
  16. Thou shalt not laugh at ridiculously funny comments unless the President first shows approval by laughing.
  17. Thou shalt express thy approval by tapping thy spoon on the table. Clapping of thy hands will not be tolerated.
  18. Thou shalt not question the decisions of the President.
  19. When the mess adjourns, thou shalt rise and wait for the President and head table guests to leave.
  20. Thou shalt enjoy thyself to thy fullest.

Violations of Etiquette

Failures to comply with the rules of the mess are “punished,” generally with fines or a trip to the Grog. The Grog, held in a Grog Bowl (usually an unused toilet), consists of multiple types and flavors of alcoholic drinks blended together, and may even contain other things, like Tootsie Rolls or oysters. It is a punishment, after all.

 

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

Any member of the mess can call out violations warranting a trip to the grog bowl at any time. Members bring infractions to the attention of the President by addressing the mess and raising a point of order. If the validity of the charge is questioned, members vote by tapping their spoons on the table.

When the President sentences a violator to the grog bowl, the person proceeds to the bowl promptly, remembering to march and perform all proper facing movements. The bowl is usually located on or near the Vice’s table. Upon arriving at the grog bowl, the violator does the following:

  • An about face and salutes the President
  • An about face to the bowl and fills the cup
  • An about face and toasts the mess: “To the Mess”
  • Drink the cup completely then inverted over their head to ensure it is empty.
  • Does an about face, replaces the cup, about faces again, salutes the President, and returns to their seat.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
To completion.

Except for the toast, the violator is not permitted to speak at all.

The Players

President – the central figure of the event and primary planner, usually the ranking commander of the organization. The President will oversee the Dining-In and appoint subordinate officers:

  • Vice-President
  • Arrangements Officer
  • Mess Officer
  • Escort Officer
  • Protocol Officer

The President also ensures the Dining-In has a speaker and a chaplain for the Invocation. He or she will greet all the guests before dinner is served and will open and close the mess.

Vice-President – The chief assistant to the President, usually the most junior-ranking officer (but the President may choose anyone to serve in this role). The VP sits alone in the back of the room, facing the President, observing the proceedings and making not of violations of the Rules of the Mess and breaches of etiquette.

While usually the VP is a comfortable position, here the VP is the MC – the toastmaster – the success of the event depends on the Dining-In VP’s wit, levity, and ability to keep the show going. The Veep is also responsible for opening the lounge, sounding the dinner chimes, and preparing toasts as directed by the President. He or she must compose poems and jokes (in good taste) at the expense or tribute only to those persons and organizations who are present. The VP is the last person to leave the party.

Arrangements Officer – Responsible to the President for handling the details involved with planning the evening’s events, but is not to make any final decisions without the advice and consent of the President.

The AO will set the seating arrangements and ensure each seat is marked with the proper name and organization, will ensure proper flags and awards are in place, set up suitable microphone and lectern systems for the speaker and chaplain, ensure the VP has the necessary dinner chimes, arrange the photographer, publish a proper agenda for the evening as well as a guest list, and hire the hat and coat check team.

The day after, the AO will prepare letters of appreciation for the President to sign and send to guests of honor and others who helped with the evening.

Mess Officer – The Mess Officer will handle all responsibilities related to the actual food preparation.

Protocol Officer – The Protocol Officer Ensures everyone receives a formal invitation at least four weeks in advance of the event and will take RSVPs and will get biographical information on special guests for the other officers. The PO will ensure transportation and billeting arrangements are made and will make the seating arrangements for the Head Table. The PO briefs the Escort Officers on protocol requirements related to the guests, handles parking arrangements, and advises on flag arrangements.

Escort Officers – One escort officer should be appointed for each official and personal guest. The EO will contact their assigned guest in advance to discuss dress, location, meeting point, and composition of the audience. If the guests are from out of town, the EO will meet them at their initial arrival point and arrange for transportation and accommodations during their stay. It is essential the EO brief the guest on the customs, courtesies, rules, and procedures of the Mess.

Make sure the guest is properly introduced to as many members of the mess as possible. They will ensure their guest is always in the company of several members of the mess, yet take care that no individual or group monopolizes the guest. Upon their guest’s departure, the EO will escort the guest to the point of departure and bid farewell on behalf of all members of the Mess.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

This is how a dentist loads the Grog. (U.S. Air Force photo by Robin Cresswell)

Addressing the Mess

A member may want to raise a point of order, propose a toast, or identify infractions to the Rules of the Mess. The proper way is as follows:

  1. Rise and state “Mr./Ms. Vice-President, a point of order”
  2. When recognized by the VP, identify yourself and state your business.
  3. It is required to speak in rhyme when addressing the Mess. The President may waive this and all other requirements as he or she sees fit. The penalty is being sent to the Grog.

Sequence of Events

The event starts with a cocktail hour. At the end of that hour, the VP will chime the mess to dinner. Members of the Head Table will remain in the cocktail lounge. Once the guests are in the dining area and standing at their assigned seats, whether marched or not, Head Table members file into the room in order and walk to the Head Table. After ruffles and flourishes are played, the President then calls the mess to order with a gavel and will propose the first toast. The first two are always the same and should be given as such:

Toast: “To the Commander-in-Chief”

Response: “To the President”

Toast: “To the Chief of Staff, United States Air Force”

Response: “To the Chief of Staff”

The proper response to further toasts is “Hear, Hear”.

Improper toasting procedures will be punished by a trip to the Grog. Serving staff should be prepared with a few bottles for each table – Often many toasts are given by the President, including to the heads of state of foreign visitors, the colors, other services, and more. When the President is done, the floor is open to any further toasts from the guests throughout the remainder of the evening.

Toasting Procedures:

  1. Stand and identify yourself
  2. Address the VP by saying, “Mr. Vice-President, I want to propose a toast”.
  3. The VP informs the President and receives approval.
  4. Everyone stands and the toast is given.

After toasting, the President will explain the POW/MIA table, make opening remarks and introduce the guests of honor – then dinner will be served. After dinner, the President will rap the gavel three times and call the house to Recess. During Recess, diners are excused to the lounge for cocktails while dinner is cleared and dessert is served. The VP will sound the chimes again to reconvene the diners (do not bring cigarettes or cocktails into the dining room).

As coffee and tea are served, the guest of honor will speak. After the guest speaks, the VP will propose a toast to him or her and the President will close the Mess, thanking the planners and retiring the colors. Between the posting of the colors and the retirement of the colors, other events are allowed, including handing out awards, and multiple guest speakers.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
To the Grog!

The Combat Dining-In

The newest of these traditions (and probably the most fun), these are very similar in function to the rules and tradition of the Dining-In, except they are far less formal. The rules are similar – but the differences are important to know. There aren’t any hard or fast ones because they vary by unit.

The sky is the limit – you may be forced to eat with your mess kit… or maybe they’re only serving MREs. You may not even get to eat because you’ll be throwing your dinner on another reveler. There are many variations to the rules of the combat version of this tradition.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
You may need water balloons.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
The Grog is much less inviting, and if you didn’t think it possible, you’d be wrong.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Sometimes getting to the grog (or to the event itself) requires a low-crawl obstacle course.

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Articles

4 pieces of military gear that no one uses (but you can’t throw out)

From the outside, the U.S. military is the finest fighting force on earth. For those who have served in its ranks, the reality behind the scenes is a bit different. In fact, most units have tons of gear that is either too old or too dangerous to use these days. But, you can’t throw them out because they’re still sensitive items in someone’s property book. Here are some of the most common.

1. Reagan-era vehicles and their associated items

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Don’t forget the drip pan and tool kit (U.S. Army)

Maybe it’s the keys to a CUCV that was turned in decades ago but never signed over. Or perhaps it’s a maintenance manual for the M880 Dodge that’s now being driven by a local who works as a contractor on post (still don’t know how he ended up with the keys). Better yet, a starter motor for a deuce and a half that keeps getting signed over from NCO to NCO because no one wants to get rid of something so valuable. This kind of stuff seems to be hanging around in every motor pool across the military. Just hope you don’t have one of the actual vehicles still hanging around. If you do, make sure your SGLI is up to date before getting in it.

2. PASGT

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
The first combat use of PASGT was in Grenada…GRENADA (U.S. Air Force)

Technically, this stuff is still used by the Navy. Even so, it’s mainly the old K-pot that’s officially in use aboard ships. Yet, somehow, these old vests and helmets in M81 U.S. Woodland camo still hang around supply rooms like an annoying party guest that you just can’t get rid of. Naturally, they’re still on the property book and can’t be DX’d either. Introduced in 1983, the Personnel Armor System for Ground Troops was a huge step forward in protective gear from the old M1 steel helmet and flak jacket. However, armor has come a long way since then. The only folks in uniform who should be wearing this stuff is ROTC cadets and that’s only so they can build character.

3. KOI-18 Tape Reader

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
The KOI-18 exhibit at the National Cryptologic Museum. Yes, it literally belongs in a museum (Wikimedia Commons)

If you’ve had to account for one of these and didn’t know what it was, you’re in good company. If you’ve ever actually used one, you’re a unicorn. The KOI-18 is a hand-held paper tape reader developed by the NSA. It’s a fill device for loading cryptographic keys into security devices like encryption systems. These days, NCOs just instruct on the history and operation of the KOI-18, but never actually use it. If you did have to use it, and thus burn the tape, you have our sympathies. The tape is thin, prone to jamming, and surprisingly difficult to burn. Most units still have them because of MTOE requirements, so don’t you dare lose track of it.

4. Old laptops

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Make sure you practice good cyber awareness on your ancient laptop or Jeff will be very disappointed (DoD)

Let’s be honest here. These things can barely run your annual cyber awareness training. The only reason they’re still signed to someone is that S6 can’t (or won’t) take them back. These things are sitting in a drawer somewhere and only come out for property inspections or when someone new arrives and you really want to mess with them. Yes, that is a floppy disk drive. No, you can’t get a new computer.


Feature image: U.S. Army

MIGHTY HUMOR

Airman gets tasered, grabs another airman’s junk

This hilarious 2013 video footage shows the moment a female airman gets tasered and instinctively grabs for anything — which for one unsuspecting male airmen — was the worst possibility.


The airman had no control over the junk-grab, since being tased impedes your nervous system. A U.S. Air Force training article describes the experience:

Two small, dart-like electrodes strike a person’s body with 50,000 volts of electricity causing them to experience stimulation of their sensory and motor nerves resulting in strong, involuntary muscle contractions.

Those strong, involuntary muscle contractions clearly affected the airman on the right.

Watch: 

 

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Watch Stephen Colbert’s hilarious stint in Army basic training

Remember that time Stephen Colbert tried going through Army basic training?


The comedian and star of Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report” ended awhile ago, so we figured it was a good time to look back at one of his more memorable segments: “Stephen Strong – Army of Me.”

Also Read: Trust For Brian Williams Has Completely Crashed

“No special treatment, just like any other recruit,” Colbert says in the hilarious clip, hopping out of a limo and sporting a red tracksuit. He is, of course, greeted by a drill sergeant who starts screaming at him and takes him through various physical exercises.

There were plenty of wonderful questions from the private-for-a-day:

— “I’m here for the Army. Is this the Army?”

— “I have a question about tanks. Do they have bathrooms in there, or do you just pee out the barrel?”

— “Permission to go AWOL?”

Watch the clip:

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OR WATCH: 5 Times When Jon Stewart Made A Difference For America’s Veterans  

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7 painful things that are better than getting OC sprayed

OC qualifying is one of the most dreaded requirements in the military. Occasionally, you’ll run into some people who will try to act tough by saying that OC qualifying isn’t so bad but they’re lying. It is that bad.

Certain ranks in the military require that the troop first experience the pain of oleoresin capsicum (OC) spray. For the same reasons one might opt to experience the pain of a taser, the aim here is for the person carrying such a tool to understand how it feels so they think twice before using it.


These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
At least the pain won’t last very long… (GIPHY)

Getting kicked in the family jewels

This is extremely painful for any man to experience — but it’s still not as bad as getting pepper sprayed and then subsequently having to fight people and do workouts afterward.

Getting a toenail removed without lidocaine

Granted, any type of procedure is going to be painful without a sedative, but no matter how painful that procedure is, it’s still not as bad as taking pepper spray to the face.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Once you get some fresh air, you’ll be just fine. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Corporal Ashley Lawson)

 

CS gas qualification

This is probably the worst part of boot camp — getting put into a bunker filled with tear gas then being forced to pull the mask off your face. If you’ve got lungs of steel, no problem, just hold your breath. But, if you take the smallest breath, your entire respiratory system is going to be on fire. Even still, pepper spray is much worse.

MARSOC screener

This one will likely stir some debate, but let’s be real: At the end of a MARSOC screener, even if you don’t get picked, there’s the gratification of having completed some of the most grueling preliminary testing the military has to offer. At the end of OC qualification, you’re just in pain.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Some may prefer OC spray over getting tasered but they’re probably crazy. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Corporal Christian Robertson)

 

Taser qualification

People who have done both taser and OC qualification will debate this all day. You’ll hear some may say they’d rather get tasered ten times than be sprayed once and vice versa. The truth, however, is that with tasers, the pain ends when the trigger is released. With OC, the pain lingers long after you complete training.

Helo dunker

Training for a helicopter crash in water is fun for some, but a lot of people hate it. For those who don’t know, what happens is you get strapped into a simulated helicopter, which then gets dropped in a pool, submerged, and flipped upside down.

Your goal is to escape the grips of death and resurface. Once you get out of the helicopter, you’re done — that’s it.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
This one might not be worth it in the end, though… (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Staff Sgt. Dengrier M. Baez)

 

Reenlisting

The most commonly despised word across the military is “reenlistment.” While the option to reenlist is not exciting, some might even choose it over getting pepper-sprayed again.

Feature image: U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Mariette M. Adams

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‘Kilroy Was Here’ was the WWII-era viral meme

Kilroy, the bald guy with the long nose hanging over a wall, may be the world’s first viral meme. While it didn’t originate with U.S. servicemen in World War II, it resonated with them. And Kilroy has had staying power all over the world well after WWII.


The graffiti originated with a British doodle called “Mr. Chad,” who commented on rationing and shortages during the war. Often accompanied by the phrase “Wot? No Sugar”, “Wot? No engines?”, or anything decrying the lack of supplies in Britain at the time. “Eventually,” etymologist Eric Shackle writes, “the spirit of Allied unity merged, with the British drawing appearing over the American phrase.”

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
The infamous “Kilroy was here” graffiti on a piece of the Berlin Wall located in the Newseum in Washington, D.C., USA. (Wikimedia Commons)

The little graffiti doodle became a national joke. GIs and civilians alike would compete to draw “Kilroy was here” in the most remote, obscure places. “Kilroy was here” suddenly appeared on the torch of the Statue of Liberty, Arc de Triomphe in Paris, the Marco Polo Bridge in China, a girder on the George Washington Bridge in New York, and even the bellies of pregnant women in hospitals.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

 

Kilroy the name is widely considered to originate from J.J. Kilroy, a welding inspector at the Bethlehem Steel Shipyards in Quincy, Massachusetts. The New York Times told the story of how Kilroy, tired of co-workers claiming he didn’t inspect their work, began writing “Kilroy was here” with a crayon, instead of making the usual chalk mark. When these ships came in for repairs in worldwide ports, wartime workers would open sealed compartments to find the doodle. This random appearance would be an amazing feat from the repair crews’ perspective since no one would have been able to access these areas.

 

For years, rumors and theories abounded about the origin of the name. In 1946, the American Transit Association held a contest, offering a full-size street car to anyone who could prove they were the real Kilroy. J.J. Kilroy entered and corroborated his story with other shipyard workers. The ATA sent the trolley to Kilroy’s house in Halifax, Mass. where he attached the 12-ton car to his home and used it as living space for his nine children.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

Feature image: Engraving of Kilroy on the National World War II Memorial in Washington, D.C. (Wikimedia Commons)

MIGHTY HUMOR

Watch: This episode of ‘Cheers’ hilariously nails the pandemic cleaning panic

One of the benefits of quarantine is catching up on every single television show ever made. There’s nothing better than revisiting some of the classics and clearly, Cheers has to make that list. What’s extra entertaining is when these 40-year-old shows accurately predict the future (like these M*A*S*H episodes).

In episode five of season one, Cheers absolutely nails it.


In this episode, titled “Coach’s Daughter,” customer Chuck (played by Tim Cunningham) sits at the bar and tells bartender Sam (Ted Danson) and the Cheers’ regulars that he has a new job at a biology lab. He shares his anxiety about working with mutant viruses and the reaction from the Cheers’ crew couldn’t be any more fitting to what we are experiencing with COVID-19.

Cheers Coronavirus

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Cheers Coronavirus

Cheers ran from 1982 through 1993 with 275 half-hour episodes. Although it was almost cancelled early on, it made it an impressive 11 seasons. Set in a bar in Boston, visiting the friendly location on the airwaves became a weekly household staple, with everyone wanting to visit the place, “Where everybody knows your name.” Cheers earned 26 Emmy Awards, six Golden Globe Awards and many other accolades. It remains one of the best shows in history.

Cheers had several episodes with military-connected plots, although none better than “One for the Book,” which aired December 9, 1982. In this iconic episode, two customers enter the friendly neighborhood establishment, and of course their paths should meet. One is Buzz Crowder played by Ian Wolfe.

Buzz and his buddies from WWI agree to meet every 10 years for a reunion, but just as we see with our WWII veterans present day, Buzz’s peers are dwindling. In this episode, Buzz is the last one left. Luckily for him, you may walk into Cheers alone, but you’ll never leave without making friends. In “One for the Book,” that friend happens to be a young man getting ready to head to the monastery and looking for a night of fun before he becomes a monk.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

Photo: Cheers, NBC Universal

While Cheers ran on NBC, all 275 episodes are now available for streaming on CBS All Access. Start today and we’re confident you can finish the series before the end of quarantine. Or, let’s be honest, by the end of the week.

Cheers!

MIGHTY TRENDING

These photos shows why being an ISIS recruit can really be a kick in the nuts

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria has long had a track record of hitting new lows when it comes to atrocities. Well, they also do stuff to their recruits that even Gunny Hartman from Full Metal Jacket wouldn’t do.


According to a report by the London Daily Mail, ISIS recruits at a training camp in Yemen once lined up to be kicked in the groin as part of their training to join the terrorist group. The image was part of a propaganda video put out by the radical Islamic terrorist group, which has been suffering substantial reverses in its original stomping grounds of Iraq and Syria.

 

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
An ISIS recruit is trained on the PKM belt-fed machine gun. (ISIS photo)

 

These reverses have included a convoy of fighters being turned into a battlefield “roach motel” and hundreds of ISIS fighters surrendering to Kurdish forces in Northern Iraq. It is believed that the mass surrender from terrorists who had vowed to fight to the death, is a sign of collapsing morale.

As a result, ISIS is setting up its training camps in a safer venue. Yemen, which has been suffering through a civil war between Iranian-backed Houthi rebels and the Saudi-backed government since 2014, has fit the bill as that relatively safe area for the terrorist group, despite an air campaign carried out by a Saudi-led coalition.

The terrorist group al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula, an affiliate of al-Qaeda, has operated in Yemen as well.

 

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Two ISIS recruits operate their weapons, a RPG (right) and a PKM (left). (ISIS photo)

The photograph of the junk-kicks was part of a montage that also showed recruits going through assault courses, doing pull-ups, and taking target practice.

As for why the junk-kicks were included, the Daily Mail claimed that ISIS may have been trying to show how tough their recruits were. But because it was merely a photograph, there was no way to tell if the exercise put any of the prospective terrorists out of commission.

Ah, well, one can hope.

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7 pictures you won’t see in a recruiting brochure

Military brochures are colorful and glossy, full of awesome pictures showing service members doing some really cool stuff. These pictures usually feature troops flying in helicopters, firing weapons, riding in amphibious assault vehicles, jumping from aircraft, and traveling the world.


There is no question a military career can be very exciting. However, just like any other profession, there can be some mundane tasks that seem unusual and flat-out odd. This is especially true in the military. Here are 7 pictures you won’t see in a military recruiting brochure.

1. Area Beautification (Operation Clean Sweep)

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Sgt. Bridgett Gomez, Headquarters and Headquarters Company and Pvt. Joshua Barker, Company D, 1st Attack Reconnaissance Battalion, 82nd Combat Aviation Brigade, rake through the remaining sand of the volleyball court outside their barracks after removing large clumps of grass in preparation of new sand, March 16. (Photo by U.S. Army Sgt. April D. de Armas, 82nd Combat Aviation Brigade Public Affairs)

This detail is very common throughout U.S. military bases around the world. One of the most well-known area beatification events happens in the home of the U.S. Army Airborne and Special Operations at Fort Bragg, N.C. Each May, thousands of personnel take part in “Operation Clean Sweep,” an extravagant term simply meaning a post-wide clean-up effort in preparation for the 82nd’s Airborne All-American Week, a week-long celebration of the famed division.

During Clean Sweep, Soldiers don their PT belts, grab their rakes, and gas up the lawn mowers to bring the “fight” to overgrown weeds, nasty cigarette butts, spit bottles and other items that would make your grandma blush. You can see why these images don’t make for exciting marketing products.

2. Cleaning the Barracks (GI Party)

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Marines with Marine Corps Air Station Miramar and the 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing pick up trash during a station-wide cleanup aboard MCAS Miramar, California, April 20. They also conducted a cleanup alongside major roadways bordering the air station.

This is one party you don’t want to be invited to. Service members living in the barracks are used to hearing the expression “G.I. party,” a term originally used during World War II to clean up the living quarters.

This detail has service members cleaning the hell out of the barracks in preparation for an inspection. So grab the buffer, gather the Simple Green, and get the trash bags, it’s party time!

3. Painting Things

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
1st Lt. Edwin Roman paints steps in barracks 4295 at Marine Corps Air Station Cherry Point, N.C., Nov. 25, 2014. Staff noncommissioned officers and officers of Marine Air Control Group 28 cleaned and renovated the barracks in an effort to give back to the Marines during the holiday season. The Marines worked on various projects including, painting, landscaping and fixing furniture. Roman is a communications officer with Marine Air Support Squadron 1.

Put a paint brush in the hands of a military member and they will paint anything. Whether it is painting rocks, trees, the walls at the barracks, or curbs on the road, military commands always have tons of paint cans around, keeping the good folks at DuPont very happy.

4. Chute Shake

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
U.S. Army paratroopers from Bravo Battery, 2nd Battalion, 319th Airborne Field Artillery Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division clear debris from used parachutes before hanging them at Fort Bragg, N.C., Oct. 23, 2008. The parachutes were used the night prior during a joint forcible entry exercise (JFEX), a joint airdrop designed to enhance service cohesiveness between Army and Air Force personnel by training to execute large-scale heavy equipment and troop movements. (DoD photo by Tech. Sgt. Jeremy T. Lock)

Remember all the fun you had as a child, shaking the rainbow colored parachute during gym class. While this is not that kind of parachute shake, “shaking chutes” is one of the worst details in the Airborne community. It can sometimes take an entire night, where personnel spend their time in a tower hanging hundreds of chutes, untangling lines that are in massive knots, and taking out weeds and debris caught on the parachute after dragging a Paratrooper across the drop zone. This detail makes you appreciate your childhood.

5. Swabbing the Deck

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Sailors scrub the flight deck aboard the aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan following a countermeasure wash down while the ship is operating off the coast of Japan. The Ronald Reagan is operating off the coast of Japan providing humanitarian assistance as directed in support of Operation Tomodachi. (U.S. Navy photo)

Arrr matey! This detail is straight up old-school going back hundreds of years. This is probably not what new Sailors had in mind when they were told the Navy would “accelerate their life.”

6. Kitchen Patrol or KP

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Food service specialists and kitchen police from 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault) and supporting units unload fresh fruit into a walk-in freezer at the intermediate staging base at Fort Polk, La., Sept. 25, 2015. (U.S. Army photo)

KP duty at the mess hall or galley consists of duties such as food preparation, dish washing, sweeping and mopping floors, wiping tables, serving food on the chow line, or anything else that needs to get done.

Just make it get done or the mess sergeant will go all Gordon Ramsay on you!

7. Burning sh*t

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

This was definitely not in the brochure.

MIGHTY HUMOR

This is why silkies are banned on Camp Lejeune

Marines are proud – it’s on our posters and commercials but there are things that inspire pride that should be secured and to kept to themselves. Marines take things too far and can’t have nice things. This phenomenon of belligerence has led to uniform regulations bans because we like to stick it to the man. The Marine Corps’ green weenie got a taste of it’s own medicine and it didn’t like it.

Two sizes too tight

At the PX, Postal Exchange, everyone always bought them two sizes too small. Marines come in all shapes and sizes and there were those that really wanted to get the point across. Silkies prevent chafing if you wear the correct size. Every 6’2, small size wearing, water buffalo looking Marine on a run uses the excuse ‘they didn’t have my size.’ Okay, but was it necessary to roll them up and cut out the inner lining too? Stop asking me to be your sit up partner.

The infantry would run across base to taunt the support units

Grunts would go out of their way to run down PT road and right up to the Division Head Quarters just to jog in place. If memory serves me well, there use to be pull up bars right outside the office windows and people wanted to show their dedication to physical fitness. Pump out a full set with unwavering eye contact. Those pull up bars were moved.

They would stretch far longer than necessary

Warmups prevent injury. Unsurprisingly, Marines demonstrate that they know every stretch in perfect form, for science.

The ban has loopholes

Olive green trunks of any material, similar in design to the current standard issue general purpose trunks, may be worn at the option of the individual on all occasions for which the PT uniform is authorized/prescribed. Optional trunks may be purchased through Marine Corps Exchanges or commercial sources and are not required to contain Marine Corps approval identification. For comfort and/or modesty, Marines are authorized to wear tights under the general purpose trunks that are not longer than, and the same color as the general purpose trunks.

MCO 1020.34H, 3023 1 b.

Marines never accept defeat. It’s what makes the Devil Dog so ferocious in the face of adversity. They never retreat, never surrender. However, for some reason this is one of the hills we decided to die on and never let go.

men wearing silkies on a hike
These guys completed a hike in silkies to raise awareness about veteran suicide, so they must be good for something. Photo by Senior Airman Tara Abrahams

In 2011 the base banned silkies along with the rest of the Marine Corps. From what can be observed in the order, they’re banned from unit PT due to uniformity. The first loophole is that during individual PT one can wear whatever one wants. The second loophole is if the leader of the formation decides the uniform of the day is silkies, everyone must wear it. The third and final loophole is there is no MARADMIN specifically forbidding them. There is no written rule anywhere that states you can’t other than MCO 1020.34H, which is vague at best.

Past commandants refuse to acknowledge the topic. Silkies are comfortable – for the wearer. That’s the point, they make the leadership uncomfortable while simultaneously keeping the troops cool during physical training. That’s why they’re banned on Camp Lejeune. Marines adapt and overcome, unfortunately, in this case.

MIGHTY HUMOR

These are the 50 best COVID-19 memes for the week of April 20

You’ve done the crafts, you’ve read the entire internet and you’ve finished Netflix. All there’s left to do is cry, eat and laugh. We’ll help you out with the last one. Hope you and yours are staying safe, healthy and somewhat sane.

These are your top 50 memes and tweets for the week of April 20:


These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

1. Everything is fine

At least he’s maintaining social distancing.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

2. The word of the mom

Amen, sister.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

3. Conference calls 

Zoom backgrounds make it better.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

4. Laughter IS the best medicine

Oh Dad. So smart.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

5. Happy little tree

I want peopleeeeeee.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

6. Atta boy

Nothing to see here, nothing to see.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

7. True transformation 

I’m not proud of how hard I laughed at that one!!

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

8. The boombox

We’ve trained our whole life for this.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

9. So loud

What are you eating, BONES?

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

10. M.J. knew

Now if we could just heal the world…

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

11. More vodka, please!

These are good life skills.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

12. Reality tv

No wonder my kids like to watch other kids playing with toys on YouTube. We do the same thing with HGTV.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

13. No pants 

I can’t imagine having to wear shoes to a meeting again…

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

14. Hand washing

So many temptations to touch your face.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

15. Catch me outside 

How bout dat?

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

16. Shady pines

Might have to binge watch Golden Girls.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

17. So much truth

If you having tortilla chips for breakfast means I don’t have to cook…

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

18. Iguana private office 

Something about you getting on the phone screams, “COME TALK TO ME.”

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

19. SPF 15

At least you’re getting your vitamin D.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

20. Dreams do come true

You bought it “for the pandemic.”

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

21. Pro tip 

It’s like working out, but easier.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

22. Sunshine 

The sun is not impressed.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

23. Chopped

Every parent ever.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

24. Barbie 

The sweatshirt is a nice touch. I bet her Barbie dream house is covered in crafts and regret.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

25. Jax beach 

Oh Florida.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

26. What happens in Vegas… 

Quarantine needs to stay in April 2020.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

27. SO much truth

And most of them look tired.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

28. Pajama shorts

Trick question. You don’t have to wear pants.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

29. Good PR

Mmm ice cream.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

30. Singing in the rain

Vomit. Ha!

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

31. Sick car

Taped together and barely holding on — a working title of everyone’s 2020 memoir.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

32. Get it girl 

No but seriously, why did I eat all my snacks?

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

33. Dun-dun. Dun-dun. Dun-dun. 

To be fair, everyone didn’t die.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

34. Lightning speed

Well played, fastest man in the world.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

35. All by myself 

We feel you, Ernie.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

36. Quaran-times

The isolation has turned to boredom.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

37. Womp 

We heard there’s a DUI checkpoint in the hallway though, so be careful.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

38. Last nerves

Every. Little. Thing.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

39. Grooming at home

All of our DIY haircuts and grooming.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

40. Apologies, ya’ll 

Lots of self-awareness happening.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

41. Tarjay

It does, Kermie. It does.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

42. Mind over matter 

Beware my special powers.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

43. Dogs know the truth

Stop judging me.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

44. You can’t have both

This is why we can’t have nice days.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

45. Pretending 

Deep thoughts by Dad.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

46. Zoom stand in

I think people would pay for this.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

47. You did it!

At least you didn’t quit.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

48. Pinky promise

Just boxed wine. Not the ‘rona.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

49. You know that’s right

Maybe you’ll get a “spa day” in the bathroom by yourself.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’

50. Get it, girl! 

The perks of age!

Stay safe, keep laughing and have a great week!

MIGHTY HUMOR

For April Fools’ Day, this World War II veteran brought an Alaska volcano to life

Oliver J. “Porky” Bickar rolled out of bed on April Fools’ Day, 1974, looked out his window to a white-topped mountain outside Sitka, Alaska, and told his wife, Patty, “I have to do it today.” She replied with age-old words of wisdom: “Don’t make an ass of yourself.”

Bickar, then 50, had lived in Sitka for 15 years. He was a logger by trade and no stranger to the local editors of the small town Daily Sitka Sentinel newspaper. The showman and serial prankster routinely entertained onlookers with a stunt that involved felling a large tree to smash a target, typically a hard hat, on the ground. 

As April had arrived in each of the previous three years, Bickar had postponed a stunt for which he needed perfect weather conditions. But April 1974 provided a clear blue sky with visibility for miles. His mind raced as his elaborate plan went into motion.

He immediately phoned his conspirators. Harry Sulser, Ken Stedman, and Larry Nelson were close friends, and the group referred to themselves as the “Dirty Dozen.” They all regularly met for coffee at Revard’s Restaurant. The group met at a hangar at the local airport where Bickar had 70 old and discarded tires waiting. He had been collecting them for years for this project. Now they needed air support. Two helicopter pilots refused to join the plan, but Earl Walker from nearby Petersburg accepted.

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Oliver J. “Porky” Bickar was just 19 when he participated in the D-Day invasion. When he came home, he was a changed young man, but he kept his sense of humor and became a legendary prankster in his community. Photo courtesy of Billion Graves.

The pranksters took all 70 tires, piled them into two large canvas bags with 150-foot rope slings, and attached them to the bottom of the helicopter. They also brought along black smoke bombs, several gallons of kerosene, some rags, and cans of black spray paint. The hooligans scrambled into the chopper and took off toward Mount Edgecumbe.

Mount Edgecumbe sits on Kruzof Island, separated from Sitka and the mainland by about 10 miles of water. While Sitka, a fishing village, sits at sea level, Edgecumbe rises to 3,000 feet, dominating ocean views from the town, which today is a favorite for visiting cruise ships and other tourists. But in the 1970s, the town was an out-of-the-way fishing village and Edgecumbe a volcano that had been dormant for 50 years.

But Bickar’s plan was to convince the town that Edgecumbe had awoken by setting the tires ablaze on the mountain’s peak.

As outlandish as Bickar’s plan seemed, he knew he had seen crazier. The jokester had enlisted in the US Army in 1942 and worked in a unit that waterproofed vehicles such as tanks and trucks in anticipation for the saltwater immersion of the D-Day invasion. 

Bickar arrived in Normandy three days after D-Day. “It was all a dream,” he said in 2002, a year before he died, at a ceremony honoring veterans with the Jubilee of Liberty Medal, an award the French government created for participants in the invasion. “A big dream. I was seasick and so scared and mixed up. After I hit the beach, and got my feet settled, I came out of it — and became the man, the soldier, I could be.”

These are the hilarious rules of the Air Force’s formal ‘Dining-In’
Porky Bickar submitted his April Fools’ prank to the Alaskan Brag Contest in 1975 and, somehow, lost. The winner described surviving a bear attack. Photo courtesy of Anchorage Daily News document cloud.

Bickar also served with Lt. Gen. George Patton’s 3rd Army and participated in its march through France, Belgium, and across the Rhine River. He told the Daily Sitka Sentinel in 1984 about a harrowing experience in which he and another soldier overpowered and killed a German soldier who was marching them to a POW camp.

When the chopper landed on Mount Edgecumbe, Bickar used black spray paint to draw a message in 50-foot letters for those he knew would soon come to investigate. And the other men doused the tires in kerosene and lit them. By the time they reached Sitka to complete their getaway, an air-traffic controller reportedly told them, “The son of a gun looks fantastic.”

To prevent an overreaction, Bickar had let police, fire department, and airport officials know what he had planned. But he forgot to tell the Coast Guard, which sent a helicopter to investigate and found Bickar’s message in the snow: APRIL FOOLS.

The phones at police, fire, and radio stations rang off the wall from concerned citizens. The story even made national news on The Associated Press news wire. Jimmy Johnson, the vice president of Alaska Airlines, instructed departing planes to fly over the mountain to give all the passengers onboard a laugh.

The following year, Alaska Airlines sponsored the Alaska Brag Contest. Bickar sent in this entry: “On April Fools’ Day, I hired a chopper and flew 70 old, kerosene-soaked tires on top of the dormant volcano, Mt. Edgecumbe, that looms over Sitka. I set the tires on fire, and the billowing black smoke created one hell of a commotion in Sitka. I dare you to top that April Fools’ joke.”

Surprisingly, someone did. The contest winner was a story about a bear attack.

This article originally appeared on Coffee or Die. Follow @CoffeeOrDieMag on Twitter.

MIGHTY HUMOR

‘Key and Peele’ hilariously show why terrorists hate the TSA

The 9/11 terrorist attacks launched the war on terrorism and ruined air travel as we knew it. So the TSA was born.


You used to be able to get through security in less than 15 minutes, but with the creation of the Transportation Security Administration the process takes a lot longer. However, despite this first-world-problem, TSA has foiled over 39 terror plots, according to The Heritage Foundation.

Some may see the TSA as an inconvenience, but to the al-Qaeda fighters in this video, “they are an elite force of anti-terrorist commandos.”

 

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