Both Marvel and DC have come up with some pretty terrible superheroes in their time – Arm Fall Off Boy comes to mind for DC, Doctor Bong for Marvel – and while an Arm Fall Off Boy appearance would be welcome in the next Wonder Woman movie, a full film about a guy who can remove his limbs at will and beat villains to death with them seems anticlimactic at best. But for every weird character and every beloved superhero, there is a small sliver in that Venn diagram of weird characters that should have their own movie.
I would watch the $%*& out of these movies.
Ever wanted to see Spider-Man and Batman team up to clean the streets of Gotham of filthy criminals? Well, you can’t for the same reason that Spider-Man took forever to show up in the Marvel Cinematic Universe: the characters are owned by different companies. But in case Disney and DC ever get desperate for that one amazing summer blockbuster, there’s a way – the DC/Marvel joint property of Access.
Access is a superhero who was shown the power to access (get it?) both universes by a bum in an alley somewhere. His duty is to keep them both separate. So if we ever want to find out if Superman can kill the Incredible Hulk or if Wonder Woman can find emotional closure through Steve Rogers’ origin, Access is the key.
ForgetMeNot is one of the X-Men who might have actually been in every X-Men and MCU movie ever, because we can totally just say he was and that his superpower is why we don’t recall seeing him in those movies. His superpowers include the ability to go completely unnoticed (even when right in front of someone) and to be completely forgotten once he wants to be. Even Professor X, the most powerful psychic in the universe, has to remind himself that ForgetMeNot exists.
There might have been a movie about him already, and if the special effects were worth their salt, you’ve already forgotten it. Let’s say it starred John Cazale, because I miss that guy. It was nominated for an Academy Award.
If you think Joker is going to be an epic dark drama, just you wait for the release of Dogwelder. This super – we’ll say hero, because I am assured he’s a hero – constantly fights the compulsion to weld dogs to people’s faces. His career began when his wife and kids left him after he attempted to weld the family dog to his children. But luckily John Constantine appears to show him the greater power he has through the Egyptian god Anubis. He then learns to talk through dogs and weld stars together.
This movie has the potential to not only be a dark horror drama, but also a tale of redemption featuring adorable dogs and Keanu Reeves. And we all know the potential cinematic gold that comes with pairing dogs and Keanu Reeves.
Danny the Street
Speaking of dark horror, this character has some serious potential. If you’re a fan of The Amityville Horror, The Haunting, or literally any other movie about a living house, haunted house, or vengeful real estate, get ready for an entire goddamned street that is not only a living entity but has superpowers. He can teleport, fitting his street into any city, anywhere, can change the stores on the street as well as their appearances, and communicates through signs and typewriters.
Danny protects the strange, the outcasts of society, pledged to nurture all of those who need him throughout the DC universe. Think about how much better the Justice League movie would have been if the Justice League had to fight Steppenwolf on Danny the Street. You can catch Danny the Street on the Doom Patrol TV series, but c’mon – this guy deserves the silver screen.
Some of you are laughing, the rest of you know what I’m talking about. Squirrel Girl’s superpowers include razor-sharp teeth and claws, a prehensile squirrel tail, super strength, the ability to communicate with squirrels, and a fighting ability that saw her knock Wolverine right the $%* out. In the Marvel comics universe, this was good enough to earn her a spot as an Avenger, and only Squirrel Girl could have been the nanny for Luke Cage and Jessica Jones’ baby. The crossover potential is amazing.
If you’re still scoffing at Squirrel Girl, you should know she beat Thanos by herself when it took the rest of the MCU six hours over two movies, as well as Deadpool, Galactus, and Doctor Doom. She even had to rescue Iron Man one time. Anna Kendrick has already expressed interest, and I really need to see Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man, Anna Kendrick’s Squirrel Girl, and Ryan Reynolds’ Deadpool in a flashback movie, so let’s do this already.