Fort Hood just became the 35th U.S. military base to allow civilians to rent housing on the base as a result of falling demand among officers and senior noncommissioned officers.
Civilians who take the military contractor up on this offer can look forward to these six perks:
1. Cadence calls at ungodly hours of the morning
While most civilians only get to see soldiers running and calling funny cadences on TV, the civvies on base will get the privilege of hearing about “yellow birds,” “drip drop, drippity drop, drop,” and “my girl has big ol’ hips,” in person every morning from about 6:30 to 7:30, right after “Reveille” is blasted through the base PA system.
2. A convoluted commute every morning thanks to road closures for PT
Speaking of those morning runs, most bases close down their major roads for units to conduct physical training. Runners, ruck marchers, and a few cyclists will be using those streets and road guards will keep the civilian cars off until PT is finished. Better be off base by 6:30 or able to wait until 7:30 to leave.
3. The pleasure of living in a seriously gated community
Civilians living on base get peace of mind knowing that their community is sometimes guarded by infantrymen and military police but has, at worst, rent-a-cops at all entrances. These trained killers will diligently search any unknown vehicle that comes near the tenants’ homes, including those of visiting family and friends.
Cousin Shelley will probably look forward to waiting in line for 20 minutes to get her vehicle searched after a 12-hour road trip to come visit.
4. Some of the world’s best grass
Military leaders are super protective of their grass, something that will benefit on-base tenants as they get to enjoy the visual of a lush, green carpet that spreads in all directions.
Sure, they won’t be able to walk on any of it without a wild sergeant major appearing out of nowhere and yelling at them, but still . . . beautiful.
5. Wake-up calls courtesy of the artillery and armored corps
No need to worry about accidentally sleeping in on base. While a study conducted with the Finnish Defense Forces found that a Howitzer’s 183 dB blast will typically only cause hearing damage to people within 220 yards of the gun, the Howitzers can wake people up from much further away.
6. Constant reminders to not drink and drive
Drunk drivers are public menaces who make everyone less safe. Civilians living on base will get regular reminders to not drink and drive thanks to the flashing signs listing soldiers’ recent blood-alcohol levels.