Articles

12 signs you may be 'motarded'

It's perfectly fine to love the military and take pride in serving, but some go way above and beyond as "motards."


While it's not politically correct, the commonly-used term describes some people in the military that are so motivated, it annoys everyone around them. Stemming from "moto" — short for motivation — the term "is used to describe some overbearing [Marine or soldier] who [is] extremely loud and obnoxious all the time. He is so motivated even in the sh--tiest situations that everyone wants to kick him in the teeth," according to Urban Dictionary's hilarious description.

We all know at least one of these people. If any of the following sounds a little too familiar, then it just might be you.

1. You use the term "behoove" and you are dead serious about it.

It's often sounded out, like "be-who-of-you," which is actually not a thing. But you'd never know that, having listened to your first sergeant tell you it would "be-who-of-you to make sure you have a designated driver if you're going to drink this weekend." We get it, behoove is a real word. Doesn't make it any better when you say it.

2. There's an inspirational quote in your email signature block.

There's no across-the-board standardized format in the military for what's supposed to be in your email signature block, but most people put something along the lines of their name, rank, and phone number. Then there are others who want to jam in their email address (Why? We know your email address, you sent us a freaking email), an inspirational quote that gets an eye-roll from most recipients, and a two-page-long message saying the contents of the email are private. Thanks, we got it.

3. You speak in the third person.

They should really pass a law against this.

4. Your closet is filled with military t-shirts, including one that has your rank on it.

If you're a young private or PFC and you are rocking that sweet military t-shirt showing the ladies your name is Tactical Tommy, we can let this one slide (only for your first six months in). But if you are out in public wearing a shirt with your rank on it, good Lord. Head on down to the Gap or something. We heard they have good sales.

5. When you hear a question, you repeat it back to the person, and then add, "was that your question?"

This may be a Marine Corps-centric thing. As part of the Corps' formal instructor training, most learn the proper way to answer a question is to repeat it back word-for-word, ask "was that your question?" and then proceed to answer the question. This method is certainly good for a big room full of people so they all know what the question was, but not so good when you're at the dinner table.

6. You have a "screaming eagle" haircut and actually think it looks good.

Bonus points if you have the infamous "horse shoe." When you go to basic training, you get your head shaved as a way of saying goodbye to the old civilian you. Then over time, you "earn" back some of that hair as you move along in training. While you should keep your hair relatively short for regulation's sake, that doesn't mean you should have the military equivalent of a mohawk (or moto-hawk, if you will).

If you have any questions, please refer to the glorious flowing locks of "Chesty" Puller or Medal of Honor recipients John Basilone and Audie Murphy.

7. You've corrected someone on their civilian attire when you were off base.

You may think you're maintaining good order and discipline at all times, but what you are really doing is being a dick. Instead of jumping on someone you don't even know for a supposed civilian attire violation at the local gas station, how about you just let this one slide? We're quite sure the apocalypse won't happen as a result.

8. You actually think running with a gas mask on is fun.

We're not saying running with a gas mask is a bad idea. Plenty of troops serving during the 2003 Iraq invasion would probably think being prepared physically to operate in that environment is a good thing. But running with a gas mask is not, nor will it ever, be fun.

9. You won't ever put your hands in your pockets in civilian clothing and think people who do so are "nasty."

Despite what you may have heard, pockets have incredible functionality, to include being able to hold keys, change, and ID cards. They can even keep hands warm! But perhaps most shockingly of all, putting your hands into the pockets of your jeans has no bearing on whether you are a good or bad soldier.

10. You require civilians to address you by your rank.

No.

11. There is a giant vinyl sticker showing all the ribbons you've ever been awarded on the back window of your lifted pickup truck.

One of the tenets of selfless service is the thought that you serve without the expectation of recognition or gain. You know, modesty and all that good stuff they teach you at boot camp. No one cares that you have three Good Conduct Medals and they certainly don't want to see it while they are sitting behind you in rush hour traffic.

And take off those idiotic "Truck Nutz" for Chrissakes.

12. As soon as you get promoted to NCO, you tell your best friends they need to address you by your rank.

You were literally a lance corporal with the rest of us 27 seconds ago. Get the hell out of here.

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