“If it bleeds, we can kill it.” That’s the promise Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger) makes to his special operations team in the 1987 movie, “Predator.” True to his word, the Predator bled and subsequently died. Horror movie villains who also bled and died include the Xenomorph from the “Alien” franchise and Ghostface from the “Scream” series.
Also Read: 5 Military solutions to horror movie villains
In the interest of ending the global threat to teens trying to be horny teenagers everywhere in the world, the U.S. military could help end horror movie murder rampages before they begin. It wouldn’t be that hard to justify; just tack this mission onto the Global War on Terror.
1. Jason Voorhees
Jason Voorhees \\ Death Is No More (Slowed)
The antagonist of the “Friday the 13th” franchise, Jason Voorhees is a ghostly murderer with the supernatural ability to frustrate pre-pubescent teens who happen to start fooling around anywhere near Camp Crystal Lake. In the past, they’ve tried shooting and burning Jason, with limited results. Even the use of ghostly ally Freddy Kruger didn’t help. The solution is to cut off his source of support: the camp itself.
With a rigorous carpet bombing campaign, or even a small nuclear device, Camp Crystal Lake would be rendered not only uninhabitable, it could cease to exist. Leveling the forests and diverting the water feeding the lake would neutralize Jason’s support base and deprive him of targets.
2. Sadako
In “The Ring” series of films, viewers of a cursed videotape are killed within days of viewing the video. Sadako usually emerges from the television screen before their bodies are found. Later in the series, it’s discovered that a virus is the cause of the seemingly unnatural deaths, which means it should be handled like any other public health emergency.
The U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) would research the virus, which is a DNA-based hybrid of Sadako’s DNA and smallpox. Once a vaccine is found, the virus could be contained and, like smallpox, eradicated. It’s not the sexiest end to a villain, but it will work.
3. Chucky
In the “Child’s Play” franchise, Chucky is the spirit of a serial killer inside a doll, placed there by a voodoo curse. Chucky’s main goal is to possess the body of another human, and he’s obviously willing to kill to accomplish this mission. There are two ways to finish Chucky. The first is a well-aimed shot to the heart, which can be done with any number of the U.S. military’s snipers.
The problem there is knowing where Chucky will be to set up the shot.
The second method is less clean, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs. If Chucky needs to inhabit the body of a certain person, the U.S. could wait and let the transfer complete, then kill the host body. Sure, an innocent man dies, but there would be minimal casualties.
4. The Candyman
The Candyman is conjured whenever someone says his name five times in front of a mirror and he needs to kill in a certain neighborhood to perpetuate his legend. He is also able to possess others to do his murderous bidding.
Assuming the United States can’t prevent the Candyman from being conjured, the U.S. military can inform the residents of the area in which Candyman operates that the entire area must be evacuated by a certain date, by which anyone remaining would be considered a lawful combatant. The Candyman, like Fallujah, is just waiting to be liberated.
Once the deadline passes, the U.S. military can drop incendiaries on the area, using either white phosphorus, thermite, or napalm, to thoroughly immolate the area and any spectral beings (who are susceptible to fire) inside the target.
Don’t Miss the Best of We Are The Mighty
• Why the US military always loses in a fight against zombies
• The real-life military experiment that inspired ‘Stranger Things’
• Hollywood can bridge the divide between civilians and the military. It doesn’t.
