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4 more military solutions to horror film villains

Obviously teenagers can't be trusted to fight these horror film villains... but what if the military could?
Jason Voorhees

“If it bleeds, we can kill it.” That’s the promise Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger) makes to his special operations team in the 1987 movie, “Predator.” True to his word, the Predator bled and subsequently died. Horror film villains who also bled and died include the Xenomorph from the “Alien” franchise and Ghostface from the “Scream” series.

In the interest of ending the global threat to teens trying to be teenagers everywhere in the world, the U.S. military could help end horror film murder rampages before they begin. It wouldn’t be that hard to justify; just tack this mission onto the Global War on Terror. We already took care of Freddy Kruger, Imhotep, Leatherface, Michael Myers and Pinhead; now we’ll take on 5 more.

Here are 4 more military solutions to horror film villains:

1. Jason Voorhees

The antagonist of the “Friday the 13th” franchise, Jason Voorhees is a ghostly murderer with the supernatural ability to frustrate pre-pubescent teens who happen to start fooling around anywhere near Camp Crystal Lake. In the past, they’ve tried shooting and burning Jason, with limited results. Even the use of ghostly ally Freddy Kruger didn’t help. The solution is to cut off his source of support: the camp itself.

By a rigorous carpet bombing campaign, or even a small nuclear device, Camp Crystal Lake would be rendered not only uninhabitable it could cease to exist. Leveling the forests and diverting the water feeding the lake would neutralize Jason’s support base and deprive him of targets.

2. Sadako

In “The Ring” series of films, viewers of a cursed videotape are killed within days of viewing the video. Sadako usually emerges from the television screen before their bodies are found. Later in the series, it’s discovered that a virus is the cause of the seemingly unnatural deaths, which means it should be handled like any other public health emergency.

U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases would research the virus, a DNA-based hybrid of Sadako’s DNA and smallpox. Once a vaccine is found, the virus could be contained and, like smallpox, eradicated. It’s not the sexiest end of a villain, but it will work.

3. Chucky

Chucky is the spirit of a serial killer inside a doll, placed there by a voodoo curse. Chucky’s main goal is to possess the body of another human and he’s obviously willing to kill to accomplish this mission. There are two ways to finish Chucky. The first is a well-aimed shot to the heart, which can be done with any number of the U.S. military’s snipers. The problem is knowing where Chucky will be to set up the shot.

The second method is less clean, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs. If Chucky needs to inhabit the body of a certain person, the U.S. could wait until the transfer is complete, then kill the host body. Sure, an innocent man dies, but there would be minimal casualties.

4. The Candyman

The Candyman is conjured whenever someone says his name five times in front of a mirror and needs to kill in a certain neighborhood to perpetuate his legend. He is able to possess others to do his murderous bidding. Assuming the United States can’t prevent the Candyman from being conjured, the U.S. military can inform the residents of the area in which Candyman operates that the entire area must be evacuated by a certain date, by which anyone remaining would be considered a lawful combatant.

Once the deadline passes, the U.S. military can drop incendiaries on the area, using either white phosphorus, thermite, or napalm, to thoroughly immolate the area and any spectral beings susceptible to fire inside the target.