5 Military solutions to horror movie villains

Every veteran who’s ever watched a scary film has probably devised a way to kill the main horror movie villain almost as soon as the first teenager is killed in the movie. It doesn’t matter if the killer is a ghost, a demon or just a human with a supernatural killing ability. After all, like Dutch says in the movie “Predator:” If it bleeds, we can kill it. With that spirit of Schwarzenegger in mind this spooky season, let’s look at a few horror movie villains and devise a way the U.S. military could have taken down these seemingly unstoppable murder ghosts before they killed any more teenagers.

As many of us might know, Freddy Kruger is the ghost of a child killer who attacks teenagers in their dream worlds so he can kill them in the real world. Being continually respawned by dream demons makes Freddy difficult to kill, but not impossible. The intel says Freddy gets more power from the fear of his victims and can be killed if pulled into the real world.

The trick to killing Freddy is special operations. With the kind of ice flowing through the blood of special operators, Freddy won’t get any special power advantages. A team of CIA Special Activities Center operatives could do a simple snatch and grab to pull Freddy into the real world. Once he’s vulnerable, they would be able to neutralize him in no time.

Also known as “The Mummy,” Imhotep was a powerful Egyptian priest who was accidentally revived thousands of years after his death. But with his resurrection, he gets all kinds of powers, including immortality, which is a significant barrier to killing him for good. It turns out, all you have to do is destroy the spell that grants him immortality and then kill him.

In the 1932 original film, “The Mummy,” all that was involved was burning the scroll that kept him alive before turning him into dust. This would easily be accomplished with a GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast bomb on his location. If he could survive the first one because the spell hadn’t been destroyed, a second GBU-43/B would do the trick.

The 1999 remake forced the protagonists to read from the Book of Amun-Ra to strip him of immortality then kill him. Issuing photocopies of the passage from the book to a number of special operators would ensure the passage could be read in his presence before taking him down with a standard Mozambique drill.

In the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” movie released in 1974, Leatherface was just a guy. He was a psychotic guy, but just a human. Dennis Hopper killed him with a chainsaw in the sequel. The U.S. military is more than equipped to deal with murderers who are human. In the 2022 remake, he becomes more of a spectral character, continuing with a murder spree after being shot and drowned. The object here is to reduce his ability to continue killing.

The house where Leatherface first appears in the 2022 remake is made of wood, which makes it a soft target for thermite incendiary bombs. Thermite delivered by artillery or aerial bombing (like those used in World War II) would reduce the house and anyone inside to ashes.

You can’t stab or shoot the “Halloween” villain to death, so any trauma-related plans likely won’t be enough to take down Michael Myers. He also has supernatural strength, so trying to engage him in combat likely won’t end well. Myers also survives an ether explosion, so there’s no bombing solution here, either. Busta Rhymes even electrocutes him and it still doesn’t take Myers down.

What can reliably be done about Michael Myers is stopping him, even if it doesn’t kill him. Myers spent ten years in a coma during the series and has been stunned a number of times for long periods. He’s also not immune to chemical injections. The solution to Michael Myers is to stun him with tranquilizer guns long enough to get him to a black site where he can be contained and studied.

As far as horror movie villains, this one might be difficult for a military solution, considering Pinhead, the antagonist of the “Hellraiser” franchise, is a former British officer in World War I, a time when the British Army wasn’t above using war crime-level tactics to achieve victory. He can be hurt, but actually likes to be physically hurt. Furthermore, he has mystical chains that can bind and kill troops in a one-on-one engagement and inherently knows his enemies' weaknesses. Once he captures a prisoner, he can turn them to his side.

Using full-body mesh armor can negate Pinhead’s hooks and prevent your troops from being taken prisoner. Since there’s no real way to kill Pinhead, the best one could hope for is restraining him. Since much of his body is filled with metal, the best way would be the use of a powerful electromagnet. Like Myers, he can be restrained or studied until he can be sent back into the puzzle from whence he came. Once in the puzzle, he is no longer a threat.