MIGHTY TACTICAL

The thing everyone gets wrong about post-apocalypse vehicles

(Warner Bros)

Every generation has concerns about the apocalypse. From doomsday prophets to Y2K bugs, you'll be hard-pressed to find an era of humanity that didn't include some portion of the population that sincerely believed they were living in the end times. My generation is different, however.


We may be the first generation that seems to be hoping for it.

Between popular blockbusters depicting the end of the world, popular TV shows dramatizing post-apocalyptic survival, and seemingly ever-rising tensions between very real global powers on the world's stage, my generation didn't grow up with the specter of nuclear war quite like our parents did. Instead, we grew up in the cynical aftermath: wedged somewhere between the Baby Boomers in power and the young millennials clamoring for it. Those of us in the middle have grown up with a romanticized idea of the end times, if only as a refuge from the problems of today.

There’s a big difference between fantasizing about the end of the world and surviving it

Everybody seems to think they'd be the guy IN the car, rather than the one strapped to the front.

(Warner Brothers Pictures)

Many of us like to be "prepared" for a bad situation. Maybe that's because people my age are all old enough to have already lived through one or two. But some take that drive to be prepared a few steps further, intent on not just being ready for the end of the world, but genuinely hoping to thrive once it comes about. Of course, some others settle for wistfully talking about what they'd do if the zombies descended on their house: head to Walmart to stock up, load up on firearms at the local gun store, and then swing by the National Guard armory for a Humvee, right?

No credit scores. No social obligations. No debts, bosses, or reason to get up early. Just you, your survival ride, and hordes of the undead to roll over. There's just one problem with that idea: your dream survival rides would all get you killed.

Whether you hope to take to the streets in a muscle car like Mad Max or Will Smith in I am Legend, or you plan to drive over your problems in an armored military vehicle, you're screwed either way.

Armored and specialized survival rides aren’t maintainable

This thing would be awesome until anything broke.

(U.S. Marines)

Sure, cruising through the apocalypse in an up-armored humvee or MRAP sounds like your best bet, but those planning on raiding the Motor T lot of their local National Guard center seem to forget that in order to operate all those armored vehicles, the United States employs a veritable army of maintainers, mechanics, and service technicians each with specialized skills and a fair amount of training.

You can't service these massive vehicles with the floor jack out of your Honda Accord either, and that's why those pesky diesel mechanics usually have their own building chock-full of heavy lifts and power tools. Ever changed the tire on a Humvee? Even with the right tools on hand, it can be a real pain in the ass. I'd imagine that only gets worse when the old Motor T guys are trying to eat your brains while you're at it.

Big, specialized vehicles aren't just hard to work on; they're hard to find parts for. Specialty vehicles need specialty dealers, and you'll be hard-pressed to find some other Mercedes 6x6 trucks to cannibalize parts from in a jam. You're better off on a Vespa that runs than you are in a Mercedes that doesn't.

Sports cars and muscle cars won’t go anywhere

The least believable part of "I am Legend" was a Mustang Cobra driving on these streets.

(Warner Brothers Pictures)

Maybe you've got a less pragmatic approach to survival and after a world-ending cataclysm your first priority would be getting your hands on the keys to a brand new mid-engine Corvette, or that '68 Charger you've always dreamed of. After all, with all the current owners dead or zombified, what's to stop you? Well, the roads for one thing.

Despite the number of potholes on my street, we do tend to enjoy fairly well maintained and clear roads here in the United States. That stops immediately when all the hard-working folks responsible for that start eating each other. That means your super-low sports car will have trouble making it anywhere at all, let alone at the speeds it was designed to achieve.

And then, of course, we get back to that first problem with finding parts and having the know-how required to repair or maintain your vehicle. In many newer performance cars, repairs are as much a digital effort as they are a physical one, and unless you have the specialized equipment you need to communicate with a car's ECU (or other form of on-board computer), you're going to be sh*t out of luck when it comes time to throw some wrenches at a problem.