10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations - We Are The Mighty
Humor

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

It’s that time of year again!


Halloween parties are being planned and folks who couldn’t hack it in the real military pick up cheap ass costumes to make believe they did. Problem is, they don’t even have the common courtesy to swing by a military surplus store and give the veteran community a laugh at their sh*tty attempt at Stolen Valor.

Related: These civilians get pretty creative with their terms for ‘stolen valor’

Certainly this isn’t a comprehensive list. God knows how many variations you can make from camo patterns and a bit of fabric. The kids are also being cut some slack on this one. It’s not like they can enlist to get actual versions of what they’re trying to be.

1. Special Ops Ninja Costume

Whenever you’re at the bar and someone says they “can’t talk about what they did in the military,” this is what they thought the military does.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

2. ‘In the Green’ American cosplay spy

Ahhh, she’s supposed to be a spy. That explains the Soviet navy cadet rank.

She could probably get whatever information she wanted with that corset/half-jacket combo.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

3. Skull Military Man

The coolness of having an Army issued Punisher mask is immediately undone by actually wearing the Army issued elbow pads.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

4. Super Sexy Cross Front

It might get a little, uh, cold, if she needed to reload her machine gun.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

5. Men’s Sexy Sailor Navy

Every sailor in the U.S. Navy constantly fights the inter-service jokes against the rest of the Armed Forces. This costume just gives us ammunition.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

6. Diva Dictator

Her regime is about to get toppled.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

7. High quality military man

“I remember my times in the Army well. Second tour to Douic 66, me and the rest of my Rolling Stones buddies saw some sh*t.”

 

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

8. Sexy Marine

Still one of the better ones to make the list. Too bad this is still the exact stereotype military guys have about women in combat.

 

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

9. Mile High Captain

Someone finally wanted to pretend to be an airman! … Oh, wait. Nevermind.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

10. Military couples costume

Just everything wrong about this. Except the stock models got the feeling of being a dual-military couple right. She’s dead inside, and he’s constantly pissed at everything.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

 

 

Humor

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

In 2008, filmmaker Kathryn Bigelow directed a film called “Hurt Locker” about a hotshot soldier who went above and beyond his bomb disposal duties while deployed to Iraq.


His passion for the job kept him in harm’s way as he defused hundreds of homemade explosives.

Although many veterans didn’t particularly enjoy the film (for technical reasons), many may have wondered what happened to the rogue EOD tech and the troops that once covered his six.

Well, we used our fictional WATM private investigators to look for the troops’ silver screen whereabouts, and here’s what they found.

Related: This is what the pilots from ‘Top Gun’ are doing today

FYI: Don’t take this literally.

Sgt. Matt Thompson

 

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Source: Summit Ent.)

Do remember that hotshot EOD tech who got blown up within the first 10 minutes of the story? Yeah, that was this guy. Well, turns out Thompson faked his death, and he was only using the Army to learn how to make and dispose of homemade bombs.

The government got wind of this intel, framed him, then wrongly convicted him on charges of conspiracy to commit espionage against the U.S.

They changed Thompson’s name to Snow — apparently no first name. After serving a few years in the federal penitentiary, the president’s hot daughter visited what was reportedly the most secured prison in history — located in space. Several violent inmates took her prisoner and the president recruited Snow to go in and rescue her.

No one saw that coming.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

 

After saving the president’s daughter, the government was now indebted to Snow and gave him a shit ton of money to start up a research lab.

The Army vet managed to formulate some good stuff, turning other veterans — and himself — into super humans that glow a bright reddish color.

 

Sgt. JT Sanborn

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Source: Summit Ent.)

Soon after returning from Iraq, Sanborn was given a battlefield commission for having to put up with so much crap from the EOD techs. It didn’t take long for this motivated soldier to move up the ranks. In fact, he made it to the rank of major within the same year.

That’s never happened before.

He was so badass the Army offered him a position in the security field working with a computer system called “Eagle Eye” that can track anybody anywhere all the freakin’ time.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

After a few civilians spotted some significant flaws in the sophisticated computer system and caused havoc, Sanborn decided to get out of the Army.

But he didn’t want to stop serving the veteran community or fighting bad guys, so he became what every veteran is capable of becoming.

A superhero falcon named Falcon.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

Spc. Owen Eldridge

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Source: Summit Ent.)

Eldrige had a pretty rough deployment in Iraq the year of the Hurt Locker. After returning from home, he grew out his mustache and used a little of his GI Bill to become a commercial airline pilot.

Unfortunately, he was paired with an alcoholic pilot and was involved in a severe crash.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

It took a while, but Eldrige made a full recovery. He was so impressed with the level of treatment he received, he moved to Chicago and used the rest of his GI Bill to pursue a career in law enforcement, eventually becoming a cop.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

Also Read: 62 glaring technical errors in ‘The Hurt Locker’

Staff Sgt. William James

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Source: Summit Ent.)

If you don’t remember this guy, you probably didn’t watch his story. After returning from another dangerous deployment, James made a few career changes because he didn’t know want he wanted in life.

He went from being a bank robber to a spy, to even becoming a diabetic a witch hunter.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

Yes, you could say James was lost for a long time after getting out of the Army.

The experiences of serving in all those different fields gained him a talent that would drive him into his next profession — an archery master superhero with excellent vision.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

Humor

11 Army memes that will keep you laughing for hours

Our military humor is dark, and we have plenty of it.


Although we continually bark jokes at our rivals branches, it’s all in good fun — and we don’t want it to stop.

That said, here are eleven memes for our brothers and sisters who claim the title of “soldier.”

Related: 9 military photos that will make you do a double take

11. “But the Marines took a lot of little islands!”

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

10. Accept who you are.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
And don’t run from it, because you can’t.

9. There’s some disagreement about where the Army’s pit of misery is.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Welcome to hell!

8. Guess how I know it’s not Fort Bragg. (via US Army WTF Moments)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

7. Holy sh*t! Behold, the original drill sergeant. (via U.S. Army WTF Moments)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
May the knife hand grace the faces of all those who follow your words.

Check Out: 13 of the worst tattoos in the military

6. No matter what the Facebook argument is, keep that ace ready to go.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Some talk the talk, few walk the walk.

5. Meanwhile, over at Big Army… (via Decelerate your Life)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Your life officially starts now. It’s all downhill from here.

4. Larger casualty radius but you’ve got to throw a lot more of them for 360-degrees of effects (via Air Force amn/nco/snco).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
P320 out!

3. I mean, PT belts do prevent pregnancy… (via Weapons of Meme Destruction).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Well, that’s what my platoon medic said anyway.

Also Read: 11 memes that are way too real for every Corpsman

2. Stop playing Sergeant White, we all know we’re basically your personal dwarves (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Moral of the story: Never believe any order you hear until you actually see them in action.

1. Someone’s NCO, battle buddies, and common sense have failed them (via The Salty Soldier).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Hopefully, you’ll get there soon… One day.

Articles

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Jan. 27

Remember, troops. Don’t beat anything, don’t drink and drive, and don’t end up on first sergeant’s carpet without an awesome story.


Get ready for the weekend! Here are a few awesome military memes to get you through to the safety brief:

1. If they actually wore these uniforms, at least it would be easier to spot them (via The Salty Soldier).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Probably wouldn’t help their ego problem, though.

2. That’s a good excuse right up until DFAS stops paying (via Shit my LPO says).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

ALSO SEE: That time a Marine mechanic took a joyride in a stolen A4M Skyhawk

3. Don’t care who you voted for, getting Mattis as SecDef is like learning that Capt. America is your new commander (via Pop smoke).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

4. It’s like the world’s worst Easter egg hunt!

(via Air Force Nation)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
May want to tighten up the line for night time FOD walks.

5. Don’t wanna lose your sea legs (via Coast Guard Memes).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Still gotta figure out how to replicate the swaying of the boat, though.

6. Let’s get it started in here:

(via Military Memes)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
It’s about to go down.

7. Not everyone has what it takes to be a fireman (via Air Force Memes Humor).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Mostly, a love of fire.

8. The most important gear an airman will ever hold (via Air Force amn/nco/snco).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

9. Man, it would’ve sucked to have been drafted onto the DD-214 (via Sh-t my LPO says).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

10. That moment the grizzled veteran has to salute the fresh-out-of-OCS lieutenant, then try to teach them how to Army (via Pop smoke)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Good luck, Merlin. That job is never easy.

11. They have crayon chewers in every branch (via Coast Guard Memes).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Careful, Coastie. The Devil Dogs get fierce if you go after their chow.

12. It’s not like anyone in the squad is going to end up TOO strong (via Military Memes).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Just do your boat presses and remember to hate Pvt. Snuffy for doing this to you.

13. Forward was more fun (via Military Memes).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Besides, the whole crew is getting an awesome profile pic out of this.

Humor

5 things service members hate on that are actually useful

The U.S. Military is full of rules and regulations, so much so that it gives the lower enlisted plenty to complain about. But some of the things that seem like annoying POG tasks actually make a lot of sense and, in some cases, could be lifesaving.


Here are some of the tasks service members complain about doing that, realistically, make good sense.

Related: 6 ways to be successful in the Marine infantry

5. Boot blousing

This often feels like an annoying task only POGs worry about but, when you think about it, the purpose is to keep dirt and other unwanted particles from getting inside one’s boot.

It gets stupid, though, when higher-ups prefer to see them sit near or at the top of the boot, which may look good, but ultimately defeats the purpose.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Airmen don’t really have to worry about dirt getting in their boots, though. (Image via Citizen Airman Magazine)

4. Buckling the chin strap of a helmet

When troops of the modern age wear their combat gear, they like to call back to times of World War II and Vietnam, when troops would go on patrols with the chin strap of their helmets unbuckled.

But, when you look at why those troops did that, it becomes clear that, with the modern helmets and straps, it makes more sense to buckle up.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Would you rather be comfortable and lose your helmet or have something to protect your head from incoming shrapnel? (Image via Reddit user 4noteprogression)

3. Police call

This is the practice of picking up every little piece of trash in front of the battalion headquarters until it looks pretty for the base commander — what a beautiful practice. After all, who doesn’t like standing in a straight line and combing the lawn for used gum and cigarette butts? But, when you think about it, this is good practice for when you’re leaving a bivouac site or sleeping area.

You want to pick up every piece of trash — yes, even the gum and cigarette butts — to make sure there’s little to no evidence of human occupation because it makes your unit harder to track.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Remember, if you bring it in, you take it out. (Image via Duffleblog)

2. Shaving

This is a common complaint because everyone just wants to be an operator. But the truth is, having a clean shave can save your life. The requirement started during World War I to ensure a perfect seal when the gas masks go on to prevent, you know, dying from a cloud of mustard gas.

These days, having a clean shave is a part of military uniformity and discipline. It takes some discipline to wake up and shave every morning and takes no effort to just let it grow.

On the other hand, special operators are allowed to grow beards because they’re immune to chemical weapons and don’t need gas masks.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Shave your face, nasty! (Image via Reddit user SenorWorkman)

Also read: 6 easy ways for a grunt to be accepted by POGs

1. Stand-to

“Stand-to” is a command that means to stand guard or be prepared for an enemy attack. This is especially annoying since it usually happens from before until after dusk, and before until after dawn.

No one likes being woken up half an hour before the sun rises to stand guard but, realistically, these are the times where attacks have been known to happen. The enemy likes to strike when you’re either focused on going to bed or getting up.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Marines around their fighting positions as the sun rises (Image via Army Times)

Articles

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Jul. 29

After another week of keeping the barracks secure from enemy attack, Pokemon, and —most importantly—the staff duty NCO, you deserve some funny military memes. Here are 13 of the best that we could find:


1. Wait, you can get out of PT just because you’re already dead?

(via The Salty Soldier)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
My drill sergeant lied to me.

2. Look, some objects on the runway are hard to see. It was an honest mistake (via Sh-t my LPO says).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Do you think it damaged the engine?

SEE ALSO: The top 6 reasons civilians back out of military service

3. In the dog’s defense, typing those six words takes him more time than it takes most humans to type six paragraphs (via Sh-t my LPO says).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

4. Just 3 more years of hibernation and he’ll emerge as a salty civilian (via Marine Corps Memes).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Or a super salty staff NCO.

5. “I just can’t even. Can’t. Even.”

(via The Salty Soldier)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

6. Stop your jokes. That’s a vessel of the United States Coast Guard (via Coast Guard Memes).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Respect its authority!

7. That buffalo is only wearing the branch to get you to stop throwing Pokeballs at it (via Air Force Nation).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

8. “I also spent plenty of time studying for my advancement exams.”

(via Military Memes)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
BTW, why did Pinocchio’s nose grow? That’s a really specific punishment for lying.

9. Be careful. They sometimes hide them under objects on the side of the road (via Military Memes).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Also in potholes. And dead bodies. And ….

10. As soon as a soldier pulls off this move, they’ve won the smoke session, so stop (via Devil Dog Nation).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

11. He just wanted to get rid of his Pidgey rank and become a “full-Charizard colonel” instead (via Air Force Memes Humor)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
BTW, yes. There will probably one Pokemon meme per list for the foreseeable future. I am trying to keep it to just one, though.

12. Uh, you’re not done until I can see my face in those things (via Sh-t my LPO says).

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
That joke was funny for probably 10 minutes. That boot was stained for the rest of its existence.

13. “It was my turn to go through the intersection!”

(via Military Memes)

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

Humor

6 reasons airmen hate on Marines

There’s no best way to describe the rivalry between the branches of the American military to an outsider. It’s kinda like an inventive d*ck measuring contest mixed with elements of the Stanford Prison Experiment. Everyone talks about how they’re somehow the best while acknowledging their shortcomings.


We hate on each other for whatever reasons, but at the end of the day, we’re still on the same side.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
For example, the Air Force’s Maj. Jeremiah Parvin and the Marine Corps’ Master Gunnery Sgt. Richard Wells here. Parvin received the Distinguished Flying Cross with Valor for actions that saved the lives of Wells’ team during a 2008 deployment to Afghanistan. That’s how we do in real life.

And the rivalry doesn’t stop just because a veteran gets a DD-214. If anything, it gets worse. Just look at the Army-Navy Game. Are you ready to watch two irrelevant college football teams talk shit for weeks leading up to a game whose disappointment starts with ugly uniforms and usually ends with the Navy blowing out Army?

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
That’s what happens to the Army without air support.

Also: 6 reasons why Marines hate on the Air Force

It’s usually all in good fun. But if you didn’t serve, don’t join in – veterans from every branch will turn on you immediately. That being said, let’s take a look at few good reasons airmen hate on Marines.

6. Those stupid haircuts.

Nothing says “motarded” like a Marine’s haircut. You know those memes where a guy with a stupid haircut asks a barber to f*ck up his shit? You could make a book of those memes just walking around Camp Pendleton.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Seriously, wtf is that? An inverted Mohawk?

5. They take everything so seriously.

Look, I get it. A lot of Marines are going to see combat. Every Marine is a rifleman, sure. But don’t wait til you’re in the barracks drinking cheap beer, hanging with even cheaper locals to lighten up.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
You don’t have to marry the first stripper you see in Jacksonville is all I’m saying.

4. Calling us the “Chair Force.”

If you’re a Marine Corps legal clerk, maybe slow your roll on calling anyone “Chair Force.” On an Air Force base, you’d still be derided as a nonner, which is as close to POG as the Air Force gets.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Sometimes we roll the same way, it just doesn’t take an airman 13 weeks to get there.

Also, the Chair Force crack is so old, Marines are probably going to honor it with a plaque or memorial of some kind.

3. Their damn uniforms.

Look, no one is going to argue about Marine Corps dress blues — we acknowledge they’re pretty damn cool, but let’s talk about the MARPAT. There was nothing wrong with BDUs. We all wore them and they worked for 20 years. Then the Marines had to have their own cammies, because optics and whatnot.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Look at all our Afghan enemies’ optics.

Okay, say we get into a war with China or something, then those might be useful. Hopefully we never find out. The real beef with the uniforms is that they led to every service getting their own uniform, and the Air Force ended up in these:

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Cool tiger stripes — at least we’re not the Navy.

2. And what’s with celebrities wearing Marine uniforms?

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Way to represent the Air Force, Chuck. You’re dead to me. (U.S. Air Force Photo by Staff Sgt. Tia Schroeder)

1. Complaining about superior Air Force facilities.

We hear you. Marine Corps facilities are garbage compared to the Air Force. The truth is that most facilities are garbage compared to the Air Force, even civilian facilities are garbage compared to the Air Force.

But Marines should be complaining to the Navy about facilities. After all, it wasn’t an airman that put Mackie Hall next to Sh*t Creek. You either get indoor plumbing or the F-35, but you can’t have both.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
And the Air Force didn’t make that call for your leadership, either. Yut.

As for our chocolate fountains, I don’t know where that meme came from and I don’t care. If I wanted to eat from the garbage, I’d visit a Marine Corps chow hall.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Look at him. He either loves it or is just trying to struggle through another meal. (U.S. Marine Corps photo)

There’s only one thing I won’t hate on the Corps for though: Those recruiting commercials. F*cking epic.

(TheMilitaryProject | YouTube)
Humor

4 ways to actually impress Secretary Mattis

On a recent trip to Indonesia, Secretary of Defense James Mattis was treated to a display of intensity by the Indonesian Special Forces. They broke flaming bricks with their heads, rolled in broken glass, and even went as far as drinking the blood of snakes — all to impress the Warrior Monk. While Indonesian Special Forces’ demonstration definitely shows a willingness to fight, it might be a bit too much.


It’s actually not that hard to decipher ways to really impress Secretary Mattis. He basically tells everyone how to be a warrior and everyone misinterprets his advice as yet another ‘Mattisism.’ It’s simple. Just don’t call him “Mad Dog” and be a competent fighter and you’ll be on his good side. Here are some other quick, simple ways to impress the Secretary of Defense.

4. Don’t use PowerPoint

One of the most simple (and true) Mattisisms is, “PowerPoint makes us stupid” — and damn near everyone in the military agrees. Sure, it may be an easy and useful way to bullet point out some notes, but the point of “easy and useful” is lost when PowerPoint Rangers spend their entire careers creating them instead of, you know, leading their troops.

I hate to break it to every staff officer out there stuck deciding on a font, but you’re wasting your time. Your troops are waiting for you.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
War may be this complicated on Gen. McCrystal’s level, but the average trigger-puller doesn’t care. (Image via Army)

3. Shoot the assholes who need to be shot

Every troop, from the knuckle-dragging grunt to the PowerPoint Ranger, joined the military for one reason: to help fight America’s wars. Many infantrymen kick in doors daily and many POGs may never come within a grid-square of danger. This shouldn’t matter: When the time comes, you should be willing to fight and end the enemy before they end you.

Whether they know it or not, the reason Secretary Mattis was impressed with Indonesian Special Forces was their willingness to prove they have what it takes to be a warfighter.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Having a solid door-kick doesn’t hurt either. (Photo by Staff Sgt. Tierney Curry)

2. Be polite, be professional…

And, of course, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. This doesn’t mean that you should constantly live your life like you’re playing Grand Theft Auto V. It means that you should always stay vigilant.

Treat everyone as if they’re your friend, but have a backup plan in case they don’t feel the same way about you.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Never take your head off a swivel. Ever. (U.S. Army photo by Cpl. George Huley)

1. Actually read the books on his reading list

Show of hands: Who’s actually read through every single book that Secretary Mattis has recommended throughout his lengthy military career? Much respect if you have, and no judgment if you haven’t.

While everyone will eat up his Mattisisms about being the meanest, roughest, most savage son of a b*tch on the battlefield, he actually talks more about being smart. “Engage your brain before your weapon.”

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Learn everything you can – except how to spell ‘dafeet.’ (DoD photo by Army Sgt. Amber I. Smith)

Humor

7 of the top surprises veterans face going to school

It’s time to go home. You’ve honorably separated or retired from service, you’ve got your DD214 in hand, and you’re likely itching to get on with the next chapter of your life.


Chances are, you’ve already got some school under your belt, but you likely need to get a little bit more to make the career move you see for yourself.

Yup, you are heading full-speed ahead, right for the thing you probably joined the service to avoid: college. Below are 7 of the top surprises every veteran faces going back to college.

Also Read: 5 things we wish we had while we were deployed

7. Homework? Yes, that’s a thing

No doubt you knew homework was involved in the school process, but the amount and the frequency might just surprise you.

No way you expected Mrs. Robinson to assign an essay the first day of basket-weaving class…

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
When the professor tells you on Thursday that there’s a quiz on Friday. (Image from Comedy Central)

6. Think high school drama stays in high school? Nope

The drama that you left behind to serve Uncle Sam and this great nation didn’t go anywhere while you were gone.

It is waiting right where you left it, ready to infuriate your overly mature sensibilities.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
The Drama Continues. (Image from Disney’s High School Musical)

5. Lack of structure

College does have structure, obviously, but it can’t begin to compete with the structure we grew accustomed to in the military.

Sure, you’re an adult with lots of life experience and you’re fully capable of completing tasks without supervision, but having the structure suddenly go missing is jarring for many of us.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
When you realize you miss the structure. (Image courtesy of Military.com)

4. Irritability… also a thing

By being in the military, you to get used to dealing with competent individuals. This is because, typically, an incompetent individual doesn’t make it very long — if at all.

Furthermore, if individuals begin to show incompetence, especially if you outrank them, it is perfectly fine and expected that you correct them. That type of behavior is frowned upon in most collegiate settings. It’s something that takes some getting used to.

The adjustment curve is typically worse for those with more time in service.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

3. Yes, you’re the old guy/gal

This is a just a fact of life. The armed forces, as a whole, only make up about a half of one percent of the total population. This means that most of your classmates are civilians who probably came right from high school.

Truth be told, there’s a good chance that you’re older than at least one of your professors.

2. Your military experience may or may not apply

Depending on how different your scholastic endeavor is from your military service, what you did in uniform may or may not matter. This is a bitter pill to swallow for many of us, as we are extremely proud of our service and accomplishments.

This leaves us with a decision. We can become that guy/girl that always brings up their service, or try to find a new place to fit in. Good news though, a lot of schools will take your service and give you scholastic credit for it.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
That look you give when you’re told your years of service don’t apply. (Image from STX Entertainment’s The Foreigner)

Related: 5 reasons MPs hate on firefighters

1. The Billy Madison effect

This is a bit different than just being older. Even if you went to school while in service, those studies often mirror your military duty. Breaking away from that causes you to have to learn and relearn the basics of whatever you’re studying.

This makes you Billy.

Not only are you older, but the subject matter is super entry-level.

Yup, you’re definitely Billy.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Trying to understand something brand new with your new classmates. (Image from Universal Pictures’ Billy Madison)

Humor

7 unofficial rules that the E4 Mafia lives by

Control over the unit is spread between the NCOs and officers. In theory, these guys run the show. In practice, however, much of the work is delegated down to the lowest level. This is where the specialists, senior airmen, seamen, and lance corporals come in.

The highest rank among junior enlisted is left in an awesomely weird predicament in which they can shuffle work to the privates, satisfy requirements from higher up the chain, and then relax for the rest of the day. This is called the E-4 Mafia or Lance Corporal Underground.


But even those in these unofficial unions have a few bylaws that they must never break. Here’re a few of the rules that the Mafia/LCpl Underground are willing to admit:

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

For the most part, this book is one long essay on never volunteering for sh*t.

(Meme via Grunt Style)

See nothing, say nothing

The very first and most important law of the E4 Mafia is this: Plausible deniability is your best friend. These simple words can be used in almost every situation.

In the military, if you see someone doing something against regulations, you’re supposed to say something. But are you really going to call out your bros for putting their hands in their pockets when it’s cold outside? Hell no.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

Because if you show a little bit of effort, that’s where the bar will be set for you.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics

At first glance, it may seem odd that Sadi Carnot, a 19th-century French physicist, would have much to do with a bunch of slackers. As he once famously said, “total entropy of an isolated system can never decrease over time.” In layman’s terms, this basically means, “controlled chaos will always take the path of least resistance.”

If you ever ask a lance corporal to do anything, they will half-ass it and tell you that the task is complete. It’s science, really.

Always play the “Shaggy Defense”

This defense is named after a famous lance-corporal-turned-musician who was caught in an unpleasant situation. When confronted with the nasty allegations and irrefutable evidence, he simply kept repeating the Lance Corporal Underground mantra of, “it wasn’t me.”

If there’s evidence that something happened, but not enough to pin it on you, enthusiastically deny it.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

(Meme via LCpl Underground)

When in doubt, skate out

Unless you’re sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that an incoming task will be fun, don’t agree to do anything that comes down the chain of command.

If the first sergeant calls for four volunteers, don’t ever ask, “for what?” Expressing interest is, essentially, as binding as a signature.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

This is how you raise the bar. Take note, PFCs.

(Meme via US Army WTF Moments)

If you look right, you are right

The military is a very busy system. Despite all of the hurrying-up-and-waiting that happens, everyone is constantly on the move.

All you need to do to get away with nearly anything is put some effort toward appearing like you’re squared away. Rarely will anyone take the time to make sure you’re actually doing things right.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

The Mafia/Underground has been around since before anyone currently enlisted. That means that every Senior NCO was once a member.

Never forget where you came from

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re going with your career. Your buddies who tell you that they’re ride-or-die really mean it — you should keep the same promise.

If you happen to get promoted out of the Mafia or Underground, don’t forget that your guys are still your guys. You may have more responsibilities now and you may have to make them work. That’s understandable. However, don’t think — not even for a single second — about turning into the NCO that stabs every single one of their former friends in the back.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

Blue Falcon-ing is a crime punishable by disassociation

There are three people that will always garner hatred from the E-4 Mafia: Jodie, the good-idea fairy, and the blue falcon.

If you ever dare to buddy-f*ck one of your fellow mafiosos, don’t expect them to have your back.

Articles

5 military leaders that would make great drinking buddies

There has probably never been a more symbiotic relationship than the one between a war-fighter and their alcohol. Roman Centurions and wine. Vikings and mead. Samurai and sake. American troops and whatever is cheapest on non-first and fifteenth weekends.


We have a storied history with our booze.

I like to think that I put my liver through its rounds, but looking through military history — damn. If I went drink for drink with some of the best, I’d get drunk under the table by the greatest minds the world has ever known.

This beer goes out to the badasses who have awesome stories to talk about over one — and who would still probably carry my ass back to the taxi.

5. William the Conqueror

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Painting by John Millar Watt)

As the last ruler to successfully conquer England in almost a thousand years, William I lived up to the viking heritage of the Normans. For an over-simplification of what William did, think of Robert Baratheon from Game of Thrones.

The story goes, as King of England, William I threw lavish parties for his guests. Because he left his viking lifestyle and worries about consolidating power behind him, he became fat as f*ck.

To the point that his horse would be in great pain.

So how did this guy try to lose that weight? By going on an “all alcohol” diet. He wouldn’t do anything but drink. Contemporaries at the time wrote of this “illness and exhaustion from heat.”

This diet, surprisingly enough, didn’t lead to his death — unless you attribute him falling face first off his horse because it bucked his rotund rear off it. Then maybe.

4. Napoleon Bonaparte

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
Napoléon visiting the cellars Moët Chandon in 1807. (Painting via Chateau Loisel)

The man most credited with why we open bottles of Champagne with a sword, Napoleon and his Hussars were famous for drinking the bubbly.

“Champagne! In victory one deserves it; in defeat one needs it” was Napoleon’s famous toast.

Napoleon and his men would frequent the hotel of Madame Clicquot, a beautiful business woman who was widowed young. The Emperor of France’s men would always try to woo her but she would just keep making money off their drunk asses.

3. Ulysses S. Grant

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
General of the Army Grant (Colorized photo via History)

The stories of the 18th President of the United States and his drinking were historic when he was still a young officer. As a Captain, his drinking from the night before lead to a forced resignation by then Colonel Robert Buchanan. The two had mutual animosity for many years before then.

“I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals,” remarked Abraham Lincoln on Grant’s alcoholism.

The outbreak of the American Civil War brought him back into the fold where he would then rise to General of the Army with Major General Buchanan underneath him. At the age of 46, Grant won the 1868 election in a landslide and urged for the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment and the proper treatment of Native Americans.

2. George S. Patton

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations

The Father of American Armor himself shared his love with his armored divisions with a mixed drink he called “Armored Diesel.” He said it would build camaraderie within the division and pride.

The drink was made with many different bourbons, whiskeys, and scotches, however, the Patton Museum officially lists his drink as being: bourbon, shaved ice, sugar, and lemon juice.

“You can’t run an army without profanity; and it has to be eloquent profanity. An army without profanity couldn’t fight its way out of a piss-soaked paper bag.” — Patton on swearing.

Patton was also very close with another great WWII leader and alcohol enthusiast, Winston Churchill.

Which brings us to…

1. Winston Churchill

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
250 cm^3/mL (or for those of you sh*tty at the metric system, 5.7 shots) was the minimum amount his doctor proscribed him per meal during his visit to the Prohibition era USA. (Photo via Quora)

There may be no military leader with a more celebrated and documented history with alcohol than Winston Churchill. Professor Warren Kimball of Rutgers authored several biographies on him saying, “Churchill was not an alcoholic because no alcoholic could drink that much!” He was amused when people said he had a “bottomless capacity” for alcohol.

“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” —Churchill on drinking in moderation.

He would drink heavily during every meal, including breakfast. In pure amazement, the King of Saudi Arabia said that “his absolute rule of life requires drinking before, during, and after every meal.”

Who would you grab a beer with? Let us know in the comment section.

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of Sept. 1

Bravo Zulu to all of servicemen and women down in the areas affected by Hurricane Harvey. You guys are the light in this sh*tty moment. You deserve a beer.


Oh yeah… And there’s North Korea. There’s still the same douchebags screaming the same stupid rhetoric for the last 50 years.

#13: They also set up a canopy.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via Popsmoke)

#12: It’s all fun and games until Uncle Sam’s Canoe Club came in.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via Gruntworks)

#11: When and why did we stop using the phrase “BOHICA?”

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme by We Are The Mighty)

#10: What? Did you think your enlistment was just about saving drunk boaters and going to festivals?

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via Army as F*ck)

#9: “You think you and your boys were ride or die? My bros proved it.”

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via Decelerate Your Life)

#8: We get it, dude. Your “totally knocking out the drill if he got in your face” is the reason you didn’t enlist.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

#7: “You know what would cheer the single, lower enlisted troops up? An FRG Meeting.” -Said every CO ever.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via Air Force AMN/NCO/SNCO)

#6: The alcohol makes up 75% of that sadness.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

#5: Remember – Scoring 181 or higher with at least 60 points in each event during the APFT is technically “exceeding the standard.”

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

#4: Nothing works better than telling her that she’s better than a laptop in a 120° Porta-John.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-Enlisting)

#3: Maybe if we send her more troops, she’ll forget we were eyeing another conflict.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

#2: If he completes his purpose, he’ll also cease to exist.

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via US Army WTF Moments)

#1: You might be stacked, but do your medals go all the way to your pants?

10 craptastic Halloween costumes completely out of regulations
(Meme via US Army WTF Moments)

Humor

7 reasons why you’d want ‘Pvt. Pyle’ in your infantry squad

Joker, Cowboy, and Animal Mother are just some of the iconic characters in Stanley Kubrick’s “Full Metal Jacket” that audiences hoped would survive as they maneuvered their way through the dangerous battlegrounds of the Vietnam War.


One character no member of the audience gave a sh*t about, though, was Leonard Lawrence a.k.a. Pvt. Pyle because he was slow, overweight, and ended up murdering his D.I. and blowing his brains out while sitting on a toilet.

Let’s pretend that the murder-suicide never took place and Private Pyle actually went out to the fleet.

Related: 7 life lessons we learned from watching ‘Full Metal Jacket’

Check out these reasons why it would be a solid idea to have Pvt. Pyle assigned your infantry squad:

1. He’d be great to have during morning PT…if you’re hungover

Formation runs only go as fast as the slowest man. Since Pvt. Pyle was no marathon runner, the multi-mile runs would be at a pretty slow pace.

Monday morning PT would be a breeze. (Image via Giphy)

2. Everyone would look sh*t hot compared to him

He’s a f*ck up, so having him around would make everyone else look like rock stars.

Look at his silly smile. (Image via Giphy)

3. He’s actually a good shot

Even the drill instructor said so.

Having accurate trigger pullers on the battlefield is a huge advantage.

Foreshadowing. (Image via Giphy)

4. You would always have someone you can trick into standing your duty

Who could we get to stand fire-watch around the barracks on Christmas Day? Answer: Pvt. Pyle.

I wonder what he was thinking. (Image via Giphy)

5. He’d always have good snacks on deployment

If he can sneak a jelly donut into the squad bay, we’re sure he’d be able to get much more than that through customs.

To be fair, jelly donuts are delicious. (Image via Giphy)

6. You wouldn’t be the last one to finish anything

Pyle would be the last if he even finished anything he started.

You would literally never finish last. (Image via Giphy)

Also Read: A Marine explains why people love the film ‘Full Metal Jacket’ so much

7. You’d watch him and learn from his mistakes

His form is way off.

That obstacle isn’t easy for anyone. (Image via Giphy)Can you think of any others? Comment below.

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