6 ways to make money while living in the barracks - We Are The Mighty
Humor

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

If there’s one common complaint among members of the United States Armed Forces (aka the best people in the world), it’s that the pay sucks. When getting paid less than minimum wage grows old (and it does, fast), a servicemember might be inclined to find a way to supplement their income.


So, we asked what a few veterans what they did to fill in the financial gap.

Related: 5 ways to skate in Marine Corps boot camp

6. Taking someone’s barracks duty

When the duty roster hits, there’s always a few people who get screwed out of something. Taking someone’s duty is a great service — one that others just might be willing to pay for. Given how unfavorable of a job it is, the competition is low. You could make a killing by taking someone else’s duty.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
The duty has no friends, though. (Image via Rod Keller YouTube)

5. Doing another servicemember’s taxes

There are plenty of people living in the barracks who feel like doing their taxes take up valuable drinking time — all you need to do is plug in their W-2 information and charge a few bones for your services.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

4. Fixing other troops’ cars

Given how much some local auto shops charge, it’s usually much cheaper and more convenient to consult with one of the many barracks grease monkeys.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
(Image via Marines.mil)

3. Becoming a tattoo artist

Military service and tattoos go hand-in-hand, like peanut butter and jelly or grunts and rain. If you’ve got the skill, equipment, and you don’t mind the carpal tunnel, this option may be for you.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Hopefully, this isn’t the kind of tattoo you get (or give) at the barracks (Image via Warner Brother’s We’re the Millers)

2. Make some of that “good-good”

This one is a bit out there, but times can get tough and not everyone has the talent for pole dancing, so they might turn to becoming their barracks’ own Walter White or Tony Montana.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
When your normal military pay doesn’t cut it and you need to pay off that Mustang at 30% APR (Image from AMC’s Breaking Bad)

[Editor’s Note: We are absolutely not suggesting you actually open a drug lab. Come on. You’re smarter than that — we hope.]

Also Read: 5 reasons why Luke Skywalker was operator AF

1. Giving others barracks haircuts

This one is definitely the most popular and it’s not very hard to do. Just get a set of clippers, watch a YouTube tutorial, and, even with all the competition, this one is guaranteed to rake in the cash.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
(Image via Marines.mil)

What are some crazy businesses you’ve seen in the military?

Humor

7 reasons why you’d want ‘Pvt. Pyle’ in your infantry squad

Joker, Cowboy, and Animal Mother are just some of the iconic characters in Stanley Kubrick’s “Full Metal Jacket” that audiences hoped would survive as they maneuvered their way through the dangerous battlegrounds of the Vietnam War.


One character no member of the audience gave a sh*t about, though, was Leonard Lawrence a.k.a. Pvt. Pyle because he was slow, overweight, and ended up murdering his D.I. and blowing his brains out while sitting on a toilet.

Let’s pretend that the murder-suicide never took place and Private Pyle actually went out to the fleet.

Related: 7 life lessons we learned from watching ‘Full Metal Jacket’

Check out these reasons why it would be a solid idea to have Pvt. Pyle assigned your infantry squad:

1. He’d be great to have during morning PT…if you’re hungover

Formation runs only go as fast as the slowest man. Since Pvt. Pyle was no marathon runner, the multi-mile runs would be at a pretty slow pace.

Monday morning PT would be a breeze. (Image via Giphy)

2. Everyone would look sh*t hot compared to him

He’s a f*ck up, so having him around would make everyone else look like rock stars.

Look at his silly smile. (Image via Giphy)

3. He’s actually a good shot

Even the drill instructor said so.

Having accurate trigger pullers on the battlefield is a huge advantage.

Foreshadowing. (Image via Giphy)

4. You would always have someone you can trick into standing your duty

Who could we get to stand fire-watch around the barracks on Christmas Day? Answer: Pvt. Pyle.

I wonder what he was thinking. (Image via Giphy)

5. He’d always have good snacks on deployment

If he can sneak a jelly donut into the squad bay, we’re sure he’d be able to get much more than that through customs.

To be fair, jelly donuts are delicious. (Image via Giphy)

6. You wouldn’t be the last one to finish anything

Pyle would be the last if he even finished anything he started.

You would literally never finish last. (Image via Giphy)

Also Read: A Marine explains why people love the film ‘Full Metal Jacket’ so much

7. You’d watch him and learn from his mistakes

His form is way off.

That obstacle isn’t easy for anyone. (Image via Giphy)Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of June 9

It’s a tradition as old as time. From the days of Sun Tzu and George Patton, military leaders have taken a break every Friday to share dank memes.


These are those memes:

1. Can confirm this is the test, can give no guidance on how to complete it (via Air Force amn/nco/snco).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
D-mned devil ball.

2. No one is out there to bother you, lots of fresh air (via Military Memes).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Also, bring lots of water. You’ll be out there a while.

3. This is a whole new level (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Can not figure out what this does. Like, at all.

Also see: This incredible rap song perfectly captures life in Marine Corps infantry

4. Why is the sky blue? God loves the infantry (via Military Memes).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
But he only pours his liquid crayons on the tankers.

5. Better limber up those arms. This is about to get rough (via The Salty Soldier).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

6. Slowly, the military melts more and more of the happiness off your bones (via Air Force amn/nco/snco).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
And, apparently, gives you two more legs.

7. “Just send iiiiit!”

(via Keep Calm and Call for Artillery)

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
All good fire missions are initiated while slightly inebriated.

8. Deliveries of donuts are pretty great at raising morale (via Coast Guard Memes).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Of course, doing them too often also lowers the boat in the waterline.

9. If the students weren’t so worthless, we wouldn’t have these issues (via Decelerate Your Life).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

10. It’s been a while since I had a class that wasn’t about sexual harassment or suicide prevention (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

11. Oh, if only we were all in Alpha Company …

(via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
… instead of in Charlie where dudes KEEP LOSING SENSITIVE ITEMS!

12. You ever seen an insurgent go steel-on-steel with their first round?

(via The Salty Soldier)

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Nobody has, so stop running.

13. Oh, you made points or something?

(Via Decelerate Your Life)

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Cool story, bro. Tell it again but, like, over there.

Humor

7 unofficial rules that the E4 Mafia lives by

Control over the unit is spread between the NCOs and officers. In theory, these guys run the show. In practice, however, much of the work is delegated down to the lowest level. This is where the specialists, senior airmen, seamen, and lance corporals come in.

The highest rank among junior enlisted is left in an awesomely weird predicament in which they can shuffle work to the privates, satisfy requirements from higher up the chain, and then relax for the rest of the day. This is called the E-4 Mafia or Lance Corporal Underground.


But even those in these unofficial unions have a few bylaws that they must never break. Here’re a few of the rules that the Mafia/LCpl Underground are willing to admit:

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

For the most part, this book is one long essay on never volunteering for sh*t.

(Meme via Grunt Style)

See nothing, say nothing

The very first and most important law of the E4 Mafia is this: Plausible deniability is your best friend. These simple words can be used in almost every situation.

In the military, if you see someone doing something against regulations, you’re supposed to say something. But are you really going to call out your bros for putting their hands in their pockets when it’s cold outside? Hell no.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Because if you show a little bit of effort, that’s where the bar will be set for you.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics

At first glance, it may seem odd that Sadi Carnot, a 19th-century French physicist, would have much to do with a bunch of slackers. As he once famously said, “total entropy of an isolated system can never decrease over time.” In layman’s terms, this basically means, “controlled chaos will always take the path of least resistance.”

If you ever ask a lance corporal to do anything, they will half-ass it and tell you that the task is complete. It’s science, really.

Always play the “Shaggy Defense”

This defense is named after a famous lance-corporal-turned-musician who was caught in an unpleasant situation. When confronted with the nasty allegations and irrefutable evidence, he simply kept repeating the Lance Corporal Underground mantra of, “it wasn’t me.”

If there’s evidence that something happened, but not enough to pin it on you, enthusiastically deny it.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

(Meme via LCpl Underground)

When in doubt, skate out

Unless you’re sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that an incoming task will be fun, don’t agree to do anything that comes down the chain of command.

If the first sergeant calls for four volunteers, don’t ever ask, “for what?” Expressing interest is, essentially, as binding as a signature.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

This is how you raise the bar. Take note, PFCs.

(Meme via US Army WTF Moments)

If you look right, you are right

The military is a very busy system. Despite all of the hurrying-up-and-waiting that happens, everyone is constantly on the move.

All you need to do to get away with nearly anything is put some effort toward appearing like you’re squared away. Rarely will anyone take the time to make sure you’re actually doing things right.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

The Mafia/Underground has been around since before anyone currently enlisted. That means that every Senior NCO was once a member.

Never forget where you came from

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re going with your career. Your buddies who tell you that they’re ride-or-die really mean it — you should keep the same promise.

If you happen to get promoted out of the Mafia or Underground, don’t forget that your guys are still your guys. You may have more responsibilities now and you may have to make them work. That’s understandable. However, don’t think — not even for a single second — about turning into the NCO that stabs every single one of their former friends in the back.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Blue Falcon-ing is a crime punishable by disassociation

There are three people that will always garner hatred from the E-4 Mafia: Jodie, the good-idea fairy, and the blue falcon.

If you ever dare to buddy-f*ck one of your fellow mafiosos, don’t expect them to have your back.

Articles

21 photos of US military legends with their hands in their pockets

There’s one rule that every branch knows of: keep your hands out of your pockets while you’re in uniform.


And yet, here we are. Every branch of the military’s historical leadership has been caught on camera casually chilling with their hands in their pockets.

Makes one wonder when putting your hands in your pockets became unprofessional…

1. General Curtis LeMay

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
I don’t think the guy who firebombed Tokyo cares much about rules like that.

2. General of the Armies John J. “Black Jack” Pershing

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Someone tell the General of the Armies he looks unprofessional.

3. Major General Carl Spaatz

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
That guy down the street is just a taken aback by this as anyone else.

4. Supreme Allied Commander General Dwight D. Eisenhower

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
It’s D-Day, let him have this one.

5. Lieutenant General Lewis B. “Chesty” Puller

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
It actually really was that cold in North Korea.

6. Lieutenant Colonel James “Jimmy” Stewart

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Mr. Stewart went to Germany. And bombed it.

7. Supreme Allied Commander General Dwight D. Eisenhower…Again.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Patton just brought gloves. Like it says IN THE REGS, IKE.

8. Chesty Puller again.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
C’mon now, that’s jungle. No way is it cold.

9. And again.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Welp. Chesty does what he wants.

10. General Martin Dempsey

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Dempsey back on the block. Apparently.

11. Supreme Allied Commander General Dwight D. Eisenhower needs hand warmers.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
If that were anyone else, Patton probably would be losing his mind.

12. Sergeant Elvis Presley

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
King of Rock n’ Roll outranks Army Sergeant. Sorry.

13. General of the Army Douglas MacArthur

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
I think MacArthur earned this one.

14. Brigadier General Chesty Puller

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
We get it, Chesty. You do what you want. Fine.

15. Brigadier General Richard Clarke

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Good thing he’s not a Marine, I guess.

16. Rear Admiral John L. Hall.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Patton is just trying not to look right at it.

17. Lieutenant Audie Murphy.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Europe was pretty cold in 1944. Everyone else was fine, but Lt. Murphy is special.

18. General Billy Mitchell

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
The Father of the Air Force knows best.

19. General Raymond Odierno

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Must be super cold there, sir.

20. Chesty Puller does what he wants.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
But we’d better see your hands, guy behind Chesty.

21. Major General Smedley Butler

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Two Medals of Honor, two hands in his pockets, zero f*cks.

Humor

6 differences between machine gunners and riflemen

Contrary to what your higher-ups probably wanted you to believe, not every Marine is a rifleman. That’s just a bedtime story they tell POGs so they stop crying about the mean grunts on the other side of sh*t creek.


But, when it comes to rivalries, there’s none greater than the one between the different infantry jobs — namely between machine gunners and riflemen. Their jobs may seem similar to civilian or POG eyes but, realistically, they’re very different.

The Marine Corps infantry rifleman is the centerpiece for combat operations, and machine gunners, essentially, exist to directly support riflemen so they can move around the battlefield without being overwhelmed by enemies.

Here are just a few of the major differences that riflemen and machine gunners fight each other over.

Related: 6 ways to be successful in the Marine infantry

6. Machine gunners have to carry the heavy stuff

While riflemen just have to carry their puny rifles and tiny bullets, machine gunners have to lug around a 24-pound (when unloaded) machine gun on top of their big bullets.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
This one does NOT look happy. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Sgt. Isaac Ibarra)

5. Machine gunners have bigger muscles

Riflemen are generally skinny guys because, as you probably guessed, they don’t have to carry such large weaponry most of the time. Machine gunners, on the other hand, carry the big guns, and they have the big guns from lugging them around.

Make no mistake, there are some skinny machine gunners out there who do the job just as well as their bodybuilding brothers, but they usually end up becoming just as bulky over time.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
The brain of a machine gunner can be found in their arms.

4. Riflemen have bigger brains

A rifleman’s job may not be extremely physically demanding all the time but it can certainly be mentally demanding, so they can’t eat their brains for protein like some machine gunners might.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
They need those brains to read those maps. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Tommy Bellegarde)

3. Machine gunners get to sit on a hill somewhere

Since the job of a machine gunner is to directly support the rifleman, they don’t always have to be embedded within a rifle squad. They can just sit on a hill with a vantage point and shoot from afar while the rifleman runs around and clears trenches.

This gives a machine gunner the opportunity to catch their breath momentarily, whereas riflemen get to catch theirs as they wait to move from one objective to the next.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Meanwhile, the tiny riflemen are running around. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Luke Kuennen)

2. Machine gunners have the most pride in their job

Most riflemen only choose to be such because, when the time came, they decided they wanted the easiest possible life in the infantry. The job isn’t as physically demanding and you don’t have to memorize all the separate parts of the Browning M2 .50 caliber machine gun in order to graduate from the School of Infantry.

But, on the other hand, within the standard infantry, machine gunners take the most pride in their jobs. You gotta love what you do.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Why wouldn’t they? They have a tough job. (image via Armchair General)

Also read: 5 things service members hate on that are actually useful

1. Machine gunners make better riflemen

Because handling a fully automatic machine gun takes a lot of marksmanship and the job requires extensive physical and mental conditioning, machine gunners can make great riflemen. They’re used to taking a much harsher physical beating, so the job of the puny riflemen is not challenging to them in the least. In fact — they find it extremely fun.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
They don’t care about diving into the mud. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Sgt. James R. Skelton)

Humor

That time JFK promised to save Santa from the Soviets

A young girl in Marine City, Mich. overheard her parents talking about Soviet aggression in the Arctic. She didn’t entirely understand what they were talking about, but her parents saying the Russians might test nuclear bombs at the North Pole was cause for concern.


What could she do, except warn the President of the United States?

It was 1961, the height of the Cold War. The very next year would prove to be the biggest test of then-President John F. Kennedy’s mettle against his Soviet adversaries — the Cuban Missile Crisis, but that was months away.

At that moment, however, 8-year-old Michelle Rochon was worried about Santa Claus and his workshop. And she wanted to make certain President Kennedy would do something about the Soviet aggression toward the world’s jolliest elf.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Even if he had to go handle it personally.

“I knew nuclear bombs were bad. And if they were testing them at the North Pole, what was Santa going to do?” said Michelle in a phone interview with CBC News. “I just automatically thought I have to write [the President] and maybe he can do something about it.”

Her letter read:

Dear Mr. Kennedy,

 

Please stop the Russians from bombing the North Pole because they will kill Santa Claus.

I am 8 years old. I am in the third grade at Holy Cross School.

 

Yours truly,

Michelle Rochon.

She put the letter in the mailbox, addressed only to “President Kennedy, Washington, D.C.”

To her surprise, the President not only received the letter, but published a photo of him reading it. Her letter became nationwide news. And then, a few weeks later, a letter on White House stationery came in the mail for young Michelle.

(JFK Library | YouTube)

In case you don’t want to watch the video, this was the President’s reply:

Dear Michelle,

 

I was glad to get your letter about trying to stop the Russians from bombing the North Pole and risking the life of Santa Claus.

I share your concern about the atmospheric testing of the Soviet Union, not only for the North Pole but for countries throughout the world; not only for Santa Claus but for people throughout the world.

However, you must not worry about Santa Claus. I talked with him yesterday and he is fine. He will be making his rounds again this Christmas.

 

Sincerely,

John Kennedy

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Getting a reply from the President made her national news again.

Little Michelle was elated.

“All I understood was that he talked to Santa Claus and he was fine and he’d be coming around this Christmas,” she said. “President Kennedy said so. So, everything was good.”

Articles

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Jul. 29

After another week of keeping the barracks secure from enemy attack, Pokemon, and —most importantly—the staff duty NCO, you deserve some funny military memes. Here are 13 of the best that we could find:


1. Wait, you can get out of PT just because you’re already dead?

(via The Salty Soldier)

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
My drill sergeant lied to me.

2. Look, some objects on the runway are hard to see. It was an honest mistake (via Sh-t my LPO says).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Do you think it damaged the engine?

SEE ALSO: The top 6 reasons civilians back out of military service

3. In the dog’s defense, typing those six words takes him more time than it takes most humans to type six paragraphs (via Sh-t my LPO says).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

4. Just 3 more years of hibernation and he’ll emerge as a salty civilian (via Marine Corps Memes).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Or a super salty staff NCO.

5. “I just can’t even. Can’t. Even.”

(via The Salty Soldier)

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

6. Stop your jokes. That’s a vessel of the United States Coast Guard (via Coast Guard Memes).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Respect its authority!

7. That buffalo is only wearing the branch to get you to stop throwing Pokeballs at it (via Air Force Nation).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

8. “I also spent plenty of time studying for my advancement exams.”

(via Military Memes)

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
BTW, why did Pinocchio’s nose grow? That’s a really specific punishment for lying.

9. Be careful. They sometimes hide them under objects on the side of the road (via Military Memes).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Also in potholes. And dead bodies. And ….

10. As soon as a soldier pulls off this move, they’ve won the smoke session, so stop (via Devil Dog Nation).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

11. He just wanted to get rid of his Pidgey rank and become a “full-Charizard colonel” instead (via Air Force Memes Humor)

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
BTW, yes. There will probably one Pokemon meme per list for the foreseeable future. I am trying to keep it to just one, though.

12. Uh, you’re not done until I can see my face in those things (via Sh-t my LPO says).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
That joke was funny for probably 10 minutes. That boot was stained for the rest of its existence.

13. “It was my turn to go through the intersection!”

(via Military Memes)

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Humor

7 times enlisted troops don’t want to salute

Saluting is a non-verbal form of communication used in day-to-day military life and during various ceremonies to convey respect.


As recruits, we learn how to properly execute a hand-salute, and it’s an act we demonstrate hundreds of times throughout our service. The hand gesture quickly becomes part of our muscle memory.

Although the gesture is meant to pay respect, there are a few times in which enlisted personnel want to hold back their rendered salutes — these are a few of those times.

Related: 7 different types of MPs you’ll face at the gate

1. When you’re on a roll, working hard, but then “Colors” begins.

Sure, we joined the military because we’re patriotic, but it sucks to shift your focus when you’ve got momentum.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

2. When it’s 3 a.m., you’re half asleep on barracks duty, and the Officer of the Day walks in.

Oh, sh*t! You weren’t sleeping, right? Just tell them you were just praying before you screw up the salute.

3. After a 12-hour shift guarding the gate and you’ve already saluted at least 500 blue stickers.

“If I have to salute another dependant with a blue sticker, I’m going to flip.”

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
(Photo by U.S. Marine Cpl. Jo Jones)

4. When it’s freezing outside and evening “Taps” sounds off.

Sometimes, it’s just too damn cold out to be patriotic.

5. When an officer from another branch rolls around.

Yuck… Let’s just get this over with.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Also Read: 5 common movie mistakes veterans can spot right away

6. Having to salute a lower-ranking troop to gain entry onto the ship.

To get payback later, make sure the lower enlistee salutes you back with proper freakin’ form.

7. After work, when you’re carrying more than a case of beer back to the barracks, and an officer walks by.

Whatever you do, do not make eye contact with the general.

Humor

4 ways to actually impress Secretary Mattis

On a recent trip to Indonesia, Secretary of Defense James Mattis was treated to a display of intensity by the Indonesian Special Forces. They broke flaming bricks with their heads, rolled in broken glass, and even went as far as drinking the blood of snakes — all to impress the Warrior Monk. While Indonesian Special Forces’ demonstration definitely shows a willingness to fight, it might be a bit too much.


It’s actually not that hard to decipher ways to really impress Secretary Mattis. He basically tells everyone how to be a warrior and everyone misinterprets his advice as yet another ‘Mattisism.’ It’s simple. Just don’t call him “Mad Dog” and be a competent fighter and you’ll be on his good side. Here are some other quick, simple ways to impress the Secretary of Defense.

4. Don’t use PowerPoint

One of the most simple (and true) Mattisisms is, “PowerPoint makes us stupid” — and damn near everyone in the military agrees. Sure, it may be an easy and useful way to bullet point out some notes, but the point of “easy and useful” is lost when PowerPoint Rangers spend their entire careers creating them instead of, you know, leading their troops.

I hate to break it to every staff officer out there stuck deciding on a font, but you’re wasting your time. Your troops are waiting for you.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
War may be this complicated on Gen. McCrystal’s level, but the average trigger-puller doesn’t care. (Image via Army)

3. Shoot the assholes who need to be shot

Every troop, from the knuckle-dragging grunt to the PowerPoint Ranger, joined the military for one reason: to help fight America’s wars. Many infantrymen kick in doors daily and many POGs may never come within a grid-square of danger. This shouldn’t matter: When the time comes, you should be willing to fight and end the enemy before they end you.

Whether they know it or not, the reason Secretary Mattis was impressed with Indonesian Special Forces was their willingness to prove they have what it takes to be a warfighter.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Having a solid door-kick doesn’t hurt either. (Photo by Staff Sgt. Tierney Curry)

2. Be polite, be professional…

And, of course, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. This doesn’t mean that you should constantly live your life like you’re playing Grand Theft Auto V. It means that you should always stay vigilant.

Treat everyone as if they’re your friend, but have a backup plan in case they don’t feel the same way about you.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Never take your head off a swivel. Ever. (U.S. Army photo by Cpl. George Huley)

1. Actually read the books on his reading list

Show of hands: Who’s actually read through every single book that Secretary Mattis has recommended throughout his lengthy military career? Much respect if you have, and no judgment if you haven’t.

While everyone will eat up his Mattisisms about being the meanest, roughest, most savage son of a b*tch on the battlefield, he actually talks more about being smart. “Engage your brain before your weapon.”

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Learn everything you can – except how to spell ‘dafeet.’ (DoD photo by Army Sgt. Amber I. Smith)

Humor

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

When you gotta go, you gotta go. It doesn’t matter what you might be doing or who might be shooting at you for doing it. This, of course, includes the military personnel who get put in a lot of situations that would test anyone’s nerves. And bladders.


6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
And sometimes stomachs.

There are the times when having to go came in handy. There were times when it was absolutely necessary. There were times when there was no other way. They answered the call of duty while answering the call of nature.

1. Cooling down a Vicker’s machine gun.

During WWI, British-made Vicker’s machine guns needed a waterjacket to keep the weapon cool as it fired hundreds of rounds of flaming death at oncoming enemy troops who fail to understand the meaning of “No Man’s Land.”

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Someone didn’t get that memo. Or didn’t think it applied to her.

As long as you kept the barrel cool by replacing the water jackets when they heated, the guns would shoot for hours and hours, totally reliably. But if troops didn’t have a cool water handy to replenish the water, they would instead pee into the gun’s waterjacket. One gunner said it “made the war a bit more personal.”

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

2. Hosing down an aircraft fire.

Being in a bomber over Europe was incredibly dangerous in World War II. It doesn’t matter what job you’re doing in the crew. American bomber crews had a 40% chance of making their sortie quota. The 8th Air Force alone lost 26,000 men. If you want to know how crazy that is, the Marine Corps total killed for all of WWII is around 19,000.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

One of the guys who made it back to England was Airman Maynard “Snuffy” Smith, a gunner over St. Nazaire, France – a place called “Flak City.” It was here Snuffy’s plane was torn to shreds by fighters. The fuel tanks started pouring gas into the plane, which of course caught fire. As Snuffy fired his guns at oncoming Nazi fighters, he forcefully pissed the fires out, tended to his crewmates’ wounds, and chucked the flammable items out the window.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Not pictured: Fire, Bullet holes, blood, pee, etc.

Six more men made it back to England with Snuffy, who was awarded the Medal of Honor. The plane broke in half upon landing, though.

3. Forcing NASA to answer the pressing questions.

In 1961, NASA was still testing the things they would have to be prepared for during space missions – namely, answering President Kennedy’s challenge to put a man on the moon within ten years. Anyone who’s ever been on a long road trip can probably guess what one of the first issues they encountered was.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
I don’t think they thought of jugs.

Except Mercury Redstone 3 wasn’t a long road trip. At 15 minutes, it wasn’t even a long space trip. So what do you do with an astronaut who has to pee at an inopportune time? Simple. Pee in the suit.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Even though it meant short-circuiting the equipment designed to measure his vital signs, Alan Shepard did as instructed by NASA and went in the suit. For better or for worse. His colleagues couldn’t believe Houston told him to do it. (If you’re wondering, Buzz Aldrin was the first to pee on the moon).

4. General Relief.

It would take a psychologist of some specialty to detail what is about peeing on your enemy’s territory and fortifications that makes world leaders and generals want to do it. In fact, it’s the first thing they think of. When Winston Churchill visited Hitler’s Siegfried Line in 1945, he wore a “grin of intense satisfaction.”

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Churchill wasn’t the only one having a Victory Whiz in Western Europe. General George S. Patton peed in the River Seine as he crossed it, and because he famously announced that he would pee in the Rhine, he made sure someone was there to take a photo.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

5. The wind pisses back.

In 1950, American troops under Gen. Douglas MacArthur led a complete rout of North Korean forces. After almost pushing the Americans and South Koreans into the sea at Pusan, the entire Communist force fell apart after the Inchon Landing. They were driven all the way to the Chinese border at the Yalu River.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
North Korean Army Driving North (artist’s rendition).

President Truman ordered that only South Korean troops be allowed in the Yalu zone, to keep from provoking China. As every military history buff knows, that’s not what happened. MacArthur pushed Gen. Edward Almond’s X Corps to the Yalu as fast as possible. When he got there, he took the ritual pee in the river.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Unfortunately, his race to the river dispersed his forces and allowed the sneak attack by the Chinese (who weren’t thrilled with the pee in their river) to succeed.

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of May 26

The week is over, but this memes list is just getting started. Here are 13 of the best times that words were paired with a picture on the internet this week:


1. 50 feet after they step off, the airmen are dropping like flies (via Air Force amn/nco/snco).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Apparently, staplers don’t provide proper calluses.

2. The groin protectors help a little, but you’re still boned (via Military World).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Feel all the air coming out of your lungs? That’s the suck. Embrace it.

3. To be fair, this is pretty exciting (via Team Non-Rec).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
It tastes like schnozzberries!

Also see: That time CBS captured an intense firefight in Vietnam

4. If you get it, you get it (via The Salty Soldier).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
If not, ask for Season 1 of Rick and Morty as your re-enlistment bonus.

5. You seem to have a leak that has covered 70 percent of the Earth’s surface (via Decelerate Your Life).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Figure it out.

6. It just can’t wait to get some more lifting in, make those gains (via Air Force Nation).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Nom nom nom, gonna eat a tank or two.

7. That’s one shiny bag of trash you got there (via Coast Guard Memes).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
If only it were useful.

8. Might be wishing for too much (via Decelerate Your Life).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
We got you a chain of command. Oh, a good one? Sorry, fresh out.

9. To all the people who still aren’t master chiefs, sorry (via Air Force amn/nco/snco).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Not sure if baseballs to the chest will help, but it can’t hurt much more than getting passed over yet again.

10. Ummmm… can I opt for the cash instead? (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Because I’m pretty sure I could find both food and apartments without black mold all over them.

11. They were as-holes, but jumping in with machine guns and bicycles is still pretty cool (via Military World).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Gonna have to kill them for supporting an evil, mass-murdering regime, but respect those skills.

12. You were supposed to do the survey long before the intranet existed (via Shit my LPO says).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Not sure why you dragged your feet for over 100 years.

13. Army tuition assistance didn’t make it into the new budget proposals (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

But you can buy a Little Golden Book for like, three bucks.

Articles

7 hilarious but accurate descriptions of military hardware

When it comes time to write up the technical pamphlets for the next generation of military gear, the manufacturers … probably won’t call us.


Here are seven perfectly accurate descriptions of military hardware that no self-respecting manufacturer would ever publish:

1. The Apache is the world’s most advanced digital camera

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
It’s a lot of money for relatively poor image quality, but the zoom is fantastic.

The AH-64 just has so many features that Canon and Nikon would never dream of putting on a camera: multiple rotor blades, a hydraulics systems, missiles, rockets, and a cannon. It’s almost hard to spot the camera sensors in the ball at the front.

2. The M1A2 Abrams tank provides very effective body armor for troops

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
Does your armor deploy its own smoke grenades? And depleted uranium shells?

Because the armor is on motorized tracks, you can barely even feel the 60 tons of protection. It even has seats, a feature most body armor lacks.

3. The A-10 is a great way to get a look at the battlefield

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

It gets you high enough to see over the terrain while keeping you low enough to see all your enemies. If only there was something we could do about them from up here?

4. Navy aircraft carriers are cruise ships with (slightly) less sex and much more (hidden) booze

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

You can move a LOT of people with one of these ships. Over 6,000 with the old Nimitz-class. The newer Ford ships hold less people, normally about 4,000, but have sweet magnets that could hold literally anything to a fridge. In a pinch, there’s even a way to move people from shore directly to the ship without it docking. But be warned that the cruise directors are pretty uptight and the upper decks are noisy.

5. TOW missiles are a much faster delivery method than carrier pigeons

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
But, you know, they’re still faster than pigeons.

While carrier pigeons top out at around 90 mph in a sprint, TOW missiles fly at an astounding 715 mph. There’s almost nothing that can get your message across a battlefield faster, and the control cables let the recipient know just where the message came from.

Just a quick note, when sending messages to friends you should be sure to remove the original payload.

6. Rifles can punch holes through hella paper at once

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks
(via Military Memes)

Don’t use boring three-hole punches that can only handle a few sheets when these rifles can create either 5.56mm or 7.62mm openings in dozens of sheets of paper at once.

7. CS gas is a quick and effective decongestant

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Neti pots are weird and pouring liquids through your sinus cavities can lead to brain parasites. 2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile has neither drawback and is extremely effective at helping you breathe free clearing your sinuses.