6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game - We Are The Mighty
Humor

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

Young civilians often tend to equate life in the military with what they see in video games. By their very nature, video games are supposed to be fun and engaging. You often find yourself in the boots of an impossibly badass character, doing over the top things.


By contrast, life in the military usually involves sitting around, waiting to hear what the next training exercise will be. It’s definitely not the video-game-like experience some might expect.

We can’t blame you for using your imagination, though. In fact, these are some things about video games that would make real military service so much better.

6. The tutorial would be much shorter

At the beginning of nearly every game, you’re first taught how to play the game. Use the sticks to move around, press ‘X’ to jump, press ‘R2’ to shoot, and so on. In the real world, you spend 9 weeks in basic/boot camp, additional time learning your specific MOS, and then god-knows-how-much time before you actually deploy.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Your Colonel would never get on the radio to teach you how to climb a ladder… (Screenshot from Konami’s Metal Gear Solid)

5. Traveling would just be a load screen

One of the worst waits in the military is the moment you pack your duffle bag for the last time to leave the deployment. You wait to get the order to move to the larger FOBs, you wait to get the order to leave country to a larger airfield, and then you wait for the plane to finally touch down. At least in a video game, the load screens don’t last three weeks.

Every troop while they “hurry up and wait.” (Image via GIPHY)

4. Having a choice in gear would be nice

The most common talking point between someone who plays military video games and someone who actually knows the military is weapon selection. You’ll hear the, “Oh, did you get to use the (insert weapon issued by another country’s SpecOps)?”

Almost always, you’re assigned a weapon by your squad leader. One person is the grenadier, another the machine gunner. Everyone else is a rifleman. Rarely will you even interact with someone who has a sniper rifle, let alone use one.

If you’re wondering who gets the machine gun, it’s always the smallest person — because it’s funny. (Image via GIPHY)

3. Combat would be easy if the enemy was flagged for PvP

In massively multiplayer games, like World of Warcraft, you get to have fun duking it out with others in player-versus-player combat. For the most part, you’re always going to know who, exactly, is your enemy. Iraq and Afghanistan, on the other hand…

Also, looting stuff from the enemy is also generally frowned upon. (Image via GIPHY)

2. No need for medics!

Who needs an entire expertise that takes years of training when you can just step on top of a first aid kit or hide behind a rock until your screen stops glowing red?

You could get shot thirty times and get right back up to chainsaw someone in half a few seconds later.

Much simpler than changing your socks and taking a Motrin. (Image via GIPHY)

1. Changes from the developers usually make things easier

There’s no real rank structure in video games. Sure, you might have a guild leader or your e-sports team might have a captain, but the only words that come down the pipe to a gamer, generally, are patch notes. Games get patched to fix bugs, make the game more accessible, and usually have a positive impact on the overall game.

If you get word from the Big Military on something, it’s usually something dumb, like a change in the tattoo policy or a memo stating the uniforms you just bought are now obsolete.

If you think hearing your character got nerfed was bad, try hearing your deployment got extended. (Image via GIPHY)

MIGHTY GAMING

Check out these great Black Friday deals on gaming headsets

So Santa is gonna hook you up with a new console? In that case, you need a new gaming headset. Think of it as a gift for yourself. A gift you deserve. And one you can’t pass up, because you truly can’t beat these Black Friday prices on everything from Xbox headsets to PS4 headphones.


6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

One of the most beloved gaming headsets you can buy if you love your PS4, and it’s down from 9.99.

SteelSeries Arctis Pro + GameDAC Wired Gaming Headset

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When you’re ready to up your gaming game, get this stellar headset. You get audiophile-grade sound quality, and a bidirectional microphone that gives you studio quality voice clarity, plus background noise cancelation. It works with PS4 and PC.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

This wireless gaming headset has killer 7.1-channel surround sound and is normally 9.99.

HyperX Cloud Revolver S – Gaming Headset

Buy now 8.00

The fully immersive sound aside, we dig this gaming headset because it’s also mad-comfortable and made with memory foam. It’s not wireless, but its eight foot long cable makes it very user-friendly. It can connect to PS4 Pro, PC and any other devices that support USB sound. You can get a jack to plug it into your phone or the Xbox.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

This wireless gaming headset normally runs you 9.99.

HyperX Cloud Flight – Wireless Gaming Headset

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You get up to 30 hours of battery life with this wireless gaming headset. It’s the go-to for PS4 and PS Pro gamers. It has 90 degree rotating ear cups, and a detachable noise cancellation microphone.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

This versatile wireless gaming headset with surround sound is regularly 9.99 and perfect if you adore your Xbox One.

LucidSound LS35X Wireless Surround Sound Gaming Headset

Buy now 9.99

This gaming headset instantly syncs with Xbox wireless technology and connects directly to your Xbox One console and configures on its own. It’s also compatible with Sony PS4, PlayStation 4, PC, Mac, Windows, iOS Android, PlayStation 4, Nintendo Switch, iPad, 3DS, and PS Vita. Yeah. It has a dual microphone with advance noise cancellation to reduce noise.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

Normally 9.99, this gaming headset has best-in-class speaker drivers with high-density neodymium magnets.

SteelSeries Arctis Pro High Fidelity Gaming Headset

Buy now 3.93

If you’re hungry for the best in sound quality and comfort, take a look at this gaming headset. It has a self-adjusting ski goggle headband that contours to your head. It works with PC, PS4, Xbox One, Nintendo Switch, Mac, VR, and mobile.

This article originally appeared on Fatherly. Follow @FatherlyHQ on Twitter.

MIGHTY GAMING

Head of Air Force’s Air Combat Command dogfights his son on Twitch

The commander of Air Combat Command and his son fought each other live on a Twitch stream in a combat flight action video game on June 29, 2019.

Gen. Mike Holmes pitted his skill with the F-15 against 1st Lt. Wade Holmes and his F-16 in this exhibition match designed to highlight the Air Force’s pilot community and to answer questions from viewers about military service.

While there was a fair share of air-to-air kills and crashes into the ground for both men, the younger Holmes was the clear winner of the video game version of life in the cockpit.


“This type of alternative interview format is a really great way to engage with our audience,” said Michelle Clougher, chief of the ACC Public Affairs command information division. “We’re always looking for a different way to tell the Air Force story, and these two rock-star pilots have a lot they can share.

“Ten years ago, we never would have thought to have our top fighter pilot play a video game while broadcasting it live to the whole world,” she continued. “But as our technologies evolve, so do we. We must communicate in a way that is meaningful and connects with people.”

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

US Air Force Gen. Mike Holmes and 1st Lt. Wade Holmes, his son, play a combat flight action video game, at Joint Base Langley-Eustis, Virginia, June 29, 2019.

(US Air Force photo by Emerald Ralston)

Twitch is a live-streaming video service platform introduced in 2011. The service has grown to share video content with more than 15 million daily active users.

During the stream, the Holmeses discussed the Air Force’s current pilot shortage, and explained the importance of air battle managers and the communications from the E-3 AWACS. They also expressed their gratitude for all the service’s crew chiefs and answered various questions about their aircraft, while sharing stories from their careers.

The pilots gave advice for joining the Air Force and compared real flight versus this arcade simulation. And while the general has more than 4,000 hours in a real aircraft — many of those are combat hours — the lieutenant had the edge with this matchup.

One Twitch user even asked the lieutenant to take it easy on his “old man” toward the end of one match.

“I appreciate that,” General Holmes said with a laugh. “I’m going to feign an injury here in a moment.”

“Air Combat Command does not teach me to take pity on my adversary,” replied Lieutenant Holmes as he secured the win.

The stream lasted for approximately one hour, and it can be viewed below:

“Thanks for tuning in,” General Holmes said to wrap up the event. “We enjoyed having a chance to talk to you for a little bit. As the Air Force, we’re trying to reach out to people that could find a home in the Air Force. We hope you’ll consider finding a way to serve your country in some way.”

This article originally appeared on Business Insider. Follow @BusinessInsider on Twitter.

Articles

11 hiding spots for an E-4 to sham

Yeah. Sure. Not every E-4 has an engine room to hide out in, but there are plenty of other places to skate.


Now, there’s a fine line between when you just need a moment to yourself and when you’re screwing over your comrades — don’t be the guy who crosses this line.

If you need to hide, do it in a place where you’re only just a call away. That way you can keep shamming and your buddies can still cover for you.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
You can’t win wars without ’em. (Image courtesy of Under the Radar)

This list is purely for entertainment purposes. If you get caught and blame it on an article you read — that’s on you.

1. In plain sight

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

If you look like you’re squared away, people will assume you are…and will be none the wiser if you conveniently aren’t around when there’s a call for parade practice volunteers.

2. Sick Call

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

Some say it’s “malingering.” Others say it’s “documenting it for the VA down the road.”

3.  Dental

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

As long as you actually show up, your leader shouldn’t see an issue with you getting your teeth taken care of.

4. Smoke Pit

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

How many times have we all heard the phrase “if you smoke, take five to ten. If you don’t, I need you to…”

There’s a lot of new faces around the smoke pit whenever they hear that.

5. Alterations

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

Hey. You never know when the next Dress Uniform inspection is. Why not take the time to get it ready?

6. Post/Base Exchange (PX/BX)

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

You’d be amazed at how lenient everyone becomes when you say the phrase “Anyone want anything from the shopette?”

#7. Inside a vehicle

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

Motor Pool Mondays. Someone has to check to see if the air conditioner is working or not.

8. Latrine

via GIPHYIf you got to go, you got to go. Just turn the sound off your phone before you play games.

 9. Charge of Quarters (CQ)

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

Always try to get duty on a Thursday or the day before a four day starts. Who doesn’t want an extended weekend?

10. Barracks

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

Be sure to use buzz words like “spotless” and “maintained” before sneaking off to play that new game you picked up earlier at the PX/BX.

11. Behind your rank

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

It’s called a “Sham Shield” for a reason. Push that duty onto someone else while you wait for close of business formation.

*Bonus* At Fort Couch

If none of these places work for you and you just have to sham, PCS to Fort Couch. No one will get on you to do anything. You really will be on your “own f-cking program.”

via GIPHY
Humor

The 13 funniest memes for the week of Feb. 16th

I really want to hear the safety brief from the Seabees this week. Any time any lower enlisted screws up, they single that dude out and crucify him in front of the unit to make sure it never happens again. When officers screw up, they play it off as a thing that everyone does wrong and remind everyone that they’re the real victim here. Especially if it’s the same officer who screwed up.


“Alright, guys. I know you might have heard about this streaking epidemic, but that stops today!”

Anyways, here’re some memes.

13. He’ll be fine. That drone flying overhead has a sweet Valentine’s Day gift for him.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

    (Meme via PNN)

12. Always trying to look for that last f*ck to give.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Untied Status Marine Crops)

11. Throwing up doesn’t make you less of an alcoholic. It just means you’re making room for more!

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Veteran Humor)

10. F*ck Jodie; you can always find a new wife. But what about your dog?

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Sh*t my LPO says)

9. Feels like you’re wearing nothing at all… nothing at all… nothing at all…

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Military Memes)

8. Come on, Seabees. There’s a time and place for running around naked.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Sh*t My LPO Says)

7. As long as they only think the party is “just loud,” you’re doing it right.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Salty Soldier)

6. It’s not like they had the balls to try sh*t during the Cold War…

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Untied Status Marin Crops)

5. Ever wonder why so many Marine brats are born 9 months after the Marine Corps Ball?

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Pop Smoke)

4. Just enough motivation to check off the box.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Pop Smoke)

3. Marines will also yell back if they even think you say, “Marine” without capitalizing it.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Decelerate Your Life)

2. About to leave and you heard the words, “Hey there, hero! Where do you think you’re going?” And Retention wonders why no one speaks to them…

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme via Army as F*ck)

1. Supposedly, you only get Good Conducts for not screwing up for 3 years. Even if you do, you’ll probably still get one anyways…

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Meme by WATM)

Humor

Turns out, Osama bin Laden was a big fan of ‘Charlie Bit My Finger’

On Nov. 1, the CIA released a trove of files that former Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden had on his computer at the time of his death, and among them are children’s programs like “Tom and Jerry,” crocheting instructions, and the 2007 viral YouTube video “Charlie Bit My Finger.”


Also read: The 5 weirdest books on Osama Bin Laden’s bookshelf

Although the majority of the documents, videos, images, and audio clips released by the CIA are related to bin Laden’s terror operations, some of the files are of a more benign nature. “Charlie Bit My Finger” appears under the file name “Tootin__Bathtub_Baby_Cousins.flv,” alongside numerous clips of the cartoon “Tom and Jerry” and Jackie Chan films. There are also instructions for crocheting butterflies, socks, and baskets.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Osama (left) and his son, Hamza bin Laden. Screengrab from YouTube.

The presence of so much children’s content can be explained by the fact that bin Laden was living with his family in the secret compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, where he was killed by US Navy Seal Team 6 in May 2011. Some of the videos in the files released by the CIA — like songs designed for children learning English — raise the possibility that bin Laden was schooling his children from the compound while he was in hiding.

Notably, the CIA decided not to release bin Laden’s large pornography stash in the Nov. 1 file dump.

Humor

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Sept. 29

In Saudi Arabia, women are driving.


In America, women are graduating the Marine Corps Infantry Officer Course.

In Germany, women are being re-elected to their fourth consecutive term as Chancellor.

Ok, so America isn’t perfect but at least we didn’t elect HITLER, amirite?

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
This is literally the least offensive person I could put here. Bet you thought a Trump joke was coming.

You know what IS perfect? The invention of the meme. More specifically, memes from the veteran community. Here are the funniest we found this week.

1. Let’s start with the Coast Guard (said no one ever). (via Coast Guard Memes)

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Now they can wear the same NWU but pretend they aren’t interchangeable.

2. It’s now fall, but it will soon be winter. Get ready.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Winter is coming.

3. Stay warm with Urban Outfitters new Air Force supply stores.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
No one’s a thief, we’re just trying to get our sh*t back.

4. The best part about Fall? Football is back!

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
I’m always in the beer line during the national anthem so I’ve never noticed who stood or sat. Or kneeled. Also, all of those guys look like the E-6s in my first unit.

5. And who’s looking forward to Thanksgiving?

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Pearl Jam has a song about this.

6. Maintainers will probably not get that holiday. Or many holidays. (via Maintainer Humor)

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
I was a nonner and can also say this for my career.

7. Everyone gets more breaks than maintainers.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
I clearly don’t know what grunt life is like.

8. For the E-4s of the world, it’s quality over quantity. (via Why I’m Not Re-Enlisting)

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Haters will say it’s photoshop.

9. But when you make NCO, Thursdays get more special.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
This is the title of my autobiography.

10. Also, I get the feeling my girl’s been cheating on me.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
We get that feeling too.

11. Isn’t it worth it just to wear the uniform?

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Some days. Not today. But some days.

12. Keep holding on to that dream.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Just ETS things.

13. For now, just do what you do best.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
And dip.

Humor

SC National Guard apparently missed the “Boaty McBoatface” flail a few months back

Do you even internet, bro? Awhile back, the South Carolina National Guard put out a request for folks to come up with the command’s new motto (because apparently “Trusted at home, proven abroad” is no good). Here were the guidelines:


6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

 

Other organizations have attempted to involve their communities in similar fashion over the last few years, most notably Britain’s Natural Environmental Research Council that wound up with “Boaty McBoatface” as the winner of a “name this ship” contest back in April.

And the Air Force did the same thing with this tweet:

They wound up with a bunch of cool names like TrumppelinDeathkill Eaglehawk Firebird Hoora! Testosterone, and (of course), Bomby McBombface.

More proof that social media is the best media. We hope this tradition continues, because it’s pretty entertaining.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Humor

7 different types of MPs you’ll face at the gate

These brave, young military police officers are the first people you’ll see as you enter the front gates, and they’re the last people you’ll spot as you exit.


The military police protect you from the various threats trying to make it on base, and carefully watch the criminals that are locked up — and the sh*t isn’t easy.

But who are these men and women who undertake this serious job? Well, we’re about to show you.

Related: 6 types of enlisted ‘docs’ you’ll meet at sick call

1. The over-the-top nice guy who is just excited to be in the military.

He’s also the guy you thought you could out-run if you needed to, but he was a track star in high school. You’ll find out the hard way.

Yes. They will issue him a service pistol very soon.

2. That Marine MP who is just looking for a reason to subdue you.

“Lie to me one more time.”

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Marine Sgt. Shawn Brown shows the proper armlock technique during a guard training class to the Royal Tongan Marines.

 

3. The cute one who makes every troop want to wait in her lane at the gate, even if it’s backed up, just to say, “hey.”

Who cares if we’re late for morning muster?

 

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(Image from U.S. Army)

 

4. The chill teddy bear that knows everybody who enters the gate.

This military policeman still halts every car… just to say, “hello.”

 

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
“Looking good, Mr. Peterson.”  (Image from Wikipedia Commons)

 

5. The MP officer with a criminal law degree that can see right through your bullsh*t.

Don’t look directly at him, we think he knows about the stripper in the trunk…

 

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
He can read all your secrets just from your pupil dilation. (Image from Security Forces Squadron)

 

6. The soldier who is just itching to deploy, but first he needs to check your identification.

It’s not that just because they are motivated, it’s just they want to make an impact, somehow.

 

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
(U.S. Army photo by Sean Kimmons)

 

Also Read: 5 of the sneakiest ways people try to fool the front gate MPs

7. Rambo’s little sister.

She’s out to earn her respect and she can kick your ass if she wanted to.

 

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
U.S. Army Spc. Adrianna Williamson, 221st Military Police Detachment military police patrolman is ready to go. (U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Wesley Farnsworth)

Humor

9 memes to get you hyped for the Space Corps

Every branch of the U.S. Armed Forces has built up a solid supply of memes. Eventually, the Space Corps will become the sixth branch. So, why not help the Space Corps get started with a few memes of their own? After all, the branch itself has become one giant meme…


Related video:

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

…come on, “Space Force?”

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

You know they’ll be salty all over when the Space Corps gets in, too.

(via Claw of Knowledge)

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

The desire to know more intensifies…

(via Reddit)

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

I don’t even want to imagine the hell that will be zero-gravity latrine cleaning…

(via Ranger Up)

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

(via meme.cloud)

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

Soon, it’ll be stolen valor.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

Space Corps. Space Corps. Space Corps!

(Via Decelerate Your Life)

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game

Pro tip: You can’t.

Humor

5 of the top excuses MPs hear during traffic stops

As a member of Security Forces, the Air Force’s version of military police, I’ve heard and witnessed many an interesting tale while patrolling our nation’s bases. Very few of those, however, even begin to approach some of the outlandish “excuses” we’ve heard during traffic stops.


These reasons range from funny and practical to downright dubious.

Related: 6 signs that you might be a veteran

Here are the five top excuses we constantly hear during traffic stops:

5. “I’m running late!”

This is a simple enough reason, one that everyone who has ever had any type of life has experienced. Often, being this blatantly honest with an MP would result in a warning and not a citation.

The causes vary from sleeping through an alarm clock to juggling entirely too much at one time to just not giving a f*ck. Regardless, “Sir, I’m just running late,” is one of the most used excuses for speeding, bad/reckless driving, and general traffic violations.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Honesty is the best policy. (Image courtesy of Warner Bros)

4. “Do you know who my husband is?”

Yes! Yes, this has literally been uttered to us and countless other Law Enforcement Officers. Inevitably, you’ll pull over some vehicle operated by some higher-up’s wife and they, in turn, attempt to flex the rank they think that they inherited when they tied the knot.

This can be really uncomfortable because, in some cases, that traffic stop can be much more trouble than it’s worth. This statement is also sometimes thrown at the LEO when you pull over a kid who thinks they deserve the salute their parent(s) earned.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
You do know who I am, right? (Image courtesy of Paramount)

3. “I wasn’t speeding!”

Unbeknownst to us, the military issues some of us an internal calibration system that physically prohibits you from speeding upon swearing in. As an additional perk, this system also notifies you of your exact speed at all times, apparently.

We couldn’t count how many times we’ve heard this. Often times the offender would ask to see the speed-measuring device and ask about its calibration. If you’re wondering, this whole spiel only heightened the likelihood of leaving the encounter with a citation.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Radar Internal Calibration

2. “I outrank you.”

When we were young troops, it wasn’t uncommon to stop individuals who outranked us. For the most part, they were fair and didn’t cause much trouble. There were also plenty of times when we pulled over someone and as soon as they saw the lack of rank, they would try to intimidate us.

In some cases, I’d have to call a “bigger, badder” LEO to assist because the offender just wasn’t respecting my position. You’d think that in a military culture, one would be used to the difference between rank and authority…you would be utterly wrong.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
#TBT — MPs trying to issue a citation in the early days. (Image courtesy of South Park Digital Studios)

Also Read: 6 crazy things MPs have found during vehicle inspections

1. “I wasn’t drinking.”

This really could be an entire subject by itself, as this is the first thing many offenders say. Then something like this happens (in fact, this actually happened): the vehicle is encountered, normally doing something out of the ordinary like sitting at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green.

The LEO approaches the vehicle, being greeting by the distinct smell of dark liquor mixed with three Altoids and four squirts of cologne. The LEO makes an introduction and asks for pertinent vehicle documents. The offender gives their debit card and Restricted Area Badge.

The LEO tries to gauge the level of intoxication using a pre-exit screening. The offender tries their best not to look, act, and/or be drunk. The LEO asks the offender to exit the vehicle and runs the Standardized Field Sobriety Tests. The offender sweats profusely as they, literally, stumble through them.

They weren’t drinking though, remember?

Articles

How to sham out of work and get promoted while doing it

So, you’re a high-speed, low-drag new trooper who wants to have a successful and rewarding military career. The only problem is that you’re lazy.


Not “I can’t get out of bed without a personal pep talk from Richard Simmons” lazy, but more, “I’m not going to make my bed because I’m just going to ruin it tonight” lazy.

In the civilian world, that’s fine. But in the military, you can actually get demoted for not making your bed. So how do you get ahead in Uncle Sam’s Rifle Club with minimum effort? Easy. You learn to sham (or if you joined the sea services, “skate”).

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
It’s a lot like this, but with less work. (Photo: US Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Christopher L. Vallee)

Shamming and skating are the fine arts of doing little to no work while avoiding friction and punishments from command.

The trick is to pace yourself throughout the day, doing work only when necessary but also giving the perception of constant activity.

A top-shelf sham day starts with not doing physical training. The most obvious way to get out of this is a pass from the medics. WATM does not encourage this…but here’s our guide. If you can get a full-day pass to stay in the barracks, your shamming is now in easy mode.

But sick call slips and chits are rationed, and remaining on quarters for too long can get you kicked out for “malingering.” If you want to get promoted, you’ll have to get more creative.

First, always know who is instructing PT in the morning and what the planned activity is. If Spc. McMuffin is leading the platoon on a slow jog down the main strip, just bite the bullet and do PT. But if Sgt. Creatine is leading a ruck-run and circuit-training Crossfit extravaganza, then you need to volunteer for a work detail.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
These aren’t exactly fun. (Photo: U.S. Air Force Tech. Sgt. Jorge Intriago)

But wait, wait, wait! I thought you said I wasn’t going to have to actually work?

Sure, volunteering for work may seem counterproductive. But pulling a 12-hour guard shift on some ammo in a field while you’re playing the newest Candy Crush level and taking turns napping with the other guard is way better than playing log throw with Capt. America and then spending all day at a desk.

Speaking of desk work, there are ways to sham through that if you get stuck in it. If you permanently work in an office, the best thing you can do is create the impression that you’re always working way too hard to be interrupted.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Getting someone to take photos of you from interesting angles can only help your cause. (Photo: U.S Army Staff Sgt. Mike Pryor)

This can be achieved with multiple little green notebooks, legal pads, and an endless number of browser windows. Spread the legal pads and notebooks around the desk and fill the open pages with illegible writing. Draw lots of arrows between areas of text.

If anyone asks what you’re doing, start talking a lot about guidance from headquarters and how it affects 3rd quarter mandatory training. There’s not an NCO in the world that will stick around.

When you’re only working the office for the day, the best thing you can do is offer to shred things and take the trash out. No one is timing these tasks, so there’s plenty of time to joke around with buddies or check your phone. You should take the trash out at least three or four times in a regular duty day.

And, once you volunteer to take the trash out enough times or to run other errands, people will start thinking that you must be doing said errands when they can’t see you.

Now you’re in business. Once they stop checking up on you, start adding a 20-minute nap to each errand and trash run that you do.

Another place you can work constant naps into the day is the motor pool. Avoid emptying and reloading connexes by volunteering to PMCI vehicles. At each vehicle, open the front doors and raise the hood, then rack out in the back seat for a few minutes. Finally, declare the vehicle ready to go, close everything up, and move on to the next one.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
This guy is inspecting the inside of the gas tank. Instead, look inside the gas tank when you refill it and use the time you save during inspection to nap. (Photo: U.S. Army Pfc. James Dutkavich)

At the end of the day, there’s always the risk that a pleased platoon or first sergeant will want to inspect the room of such a squared-away individual.

Fear not — passing room inspections is easy. The trick is to get the barracks super clean one time. We’re talking perfection here. No dust anywhere, scrub the backs of the appliances, secure the bedspread with bungee cords and glue the hospital corners into place. Tie up your roommate and hide him in the woodline.

Place neatly organized study cards next to your computer, which should have exactly one browser window open to whatever your branch’s promotions and accessions guidance is.

The platoon and first sergeant will not believe their eyes. They’ll praise you in front of the formation and talk amongst themselves for days about how polished you are.

Then they’ll become complacent and they won’t inspect you anymore. They might come by for payday inspections and the company change of command, but that’s about it.

The rest of the year you can walk around in your room dripping marinara sauce onto the floor, and no one will know or care.

6 ways military life would be easier if it were like a video game
Photo: Terminal Lance/Facebook

That barracks will become your palace of filth, and no one will be the wiser. In fact, they’ll be so impressed by that one inspection and all those guard details you volunteered for that they’ll promote you ahead of your peers until you get paid to move out of the barracks — you won’t even have to get a contract marriage to the first person you meet off-base.

Congrats, shammer. You have arrived.

 

(Also, maybe retrieve your roommate from the woodline at some point. He could legitimately die).

Humor

5 things you should know before diving into a ‘contract marriage’

Scenario #1: A young service member walks into their newly assigned barracks room and notices how nasty it is. And on top of that, they have to share the small space with two or three other people that may or may not be very clean. The struggle is real.


Scenario #2: A service member may just have received orders to go on a 13-month deployment wants to make some cash while they’re gone.

Both of these very real circumstances of military life can be strong motivators for troops to tie the knot — and not for love.

Make money, money, money! (images via Giphy

Often called a “contract marriage,” these pairings are purely for monetary gain or medical benefits. No one is suggesting you do this versus saving your money or getting a second job if your command allows, but if you do it, keep these very important things in mind.

Related: 7 ways to surprise your spouses when they return from deployment

1. He/she can turn you in

Your contract husband or wife can blow the whistle on your verbal agreement without repercussions. So you’d better keep them happy.

Oh, sh*t! Busted. (images via Giphy)

2. Adultery is illegal

In the eyes of the military, you’re legally married (imagine that). So if you get caught engaging adult activites with anyone other than your spouse, you’re on the hook sailor.

Preach! (images via Giphy)

3. If she gets pregnant by you or someone else…

You better lawyer up, get divorced or decide to take care of the little rascal to keep the added benefits. That is all.

 You don’t want your name on that birth certificate. (images via Giphy)  

4. Separation pay

In some cases, if you play your cards right, you might be eligible for separation pay.

Separation pay is when your spouse “lives” in another area for one legitimate reason or another. Think about it. (images via Giphy)

Also Read: 7 ways to prove your spouse is really a spy

5. Repayment

If you do get a divorce, the military typically won’t stop the extra pay right away. So don’t go spending all that extra cash too fast. The government will take back every cent from your paycheck until they recoup what’s theirs.

The answer is, yes. (images via Giphy)You’re welcome America!

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