Joker, Cowboy, and Animal Mother are just some of the iconic characters in Stanley Kubrick’s “Full Metal Jacket” that audiences hoped would survive as they maneuvered their way through the dangerous battlegrounds of the Vietnam War.
One character no member of the audience gave a sh*t about, though, was Leonard Lawrence a.k.a. Pvt. Pyle because he was slow, overweight, and ended up murdering his D.I. and blowing his brains out while sitting on a toilet.
Let’s pretend that the murder-suicide never took place and Private Pyle actually went out to the fleet.
Check out these reasons why it would be a solid idea to have Pvt. Pyle assigned your infantry squad:
1. He’d be great to have during morning PT…if you’re hungover
Formation runs only go as fast as the slowest man. Since Pvt. Pyle was no marathon runner, the multi-mile runs would be at a pretty slow pace.
Monday morning PT would be a breeze. (Image via Giphy)
2. Everyone would look sh*t hot compared to him
He’s a f*ck up, so having him around would make everyone else look like rock stars.
Look at his silly smile. (Image via Giphy)
3. He’s actually a good shot
Even the drill instructor said so.
Having accurate trigger pullers on the battlefield is a huge advantage.
Foreshadowing. (Image via Giphy)
4. You would always have someone you can trick into standing your duty
Who could we get to stand fire-watch around the barracks on Christmas Day? Answer: Pvt. Pyle.
I wonder what he was thinking. (Image via Giphy)
5. He’d always have good snacks on deployment
If he can sneak a jelly donut into the squad bay, we’re sure he’d be able to get much more than that through customs.
To be fair, jelly donuts are delicious. (Image via Giphy)
6. You wouldn’t be the last one to finish anything
Pyle would be the last if he even finished anything he started.
You would literally never finish last. (Image via Giphy)
7. You’d watch him and learn from his mistakes
His form is way off.
That obstacle isn’t easy for anyone. (Image via Giphy)Can you think of any others? Comment below.