MILITARY CULTURE

5 of the best musical instruments to go to war with

Musical instruments have been going to war since humans started gathering large armies — I don't have an exact date, but I can tell you it was a long, long time ago. But humans have advanced to the point where we no longer require war drums. Instead, one guy from a unit brings a guitar on deployment and plays the same three goddamn power chords for eight months.

Just remember, it could always be worse.


Musical instruments really were a necessity in warfare for much of human history. Music wasn't just used for battlefield intimidation, it was used as a means to communicate orders to troops so they could be heard over the din of old-timey combat. Buglers were the radiomen of their day when it came to battlefield tactics. Drummers kept a marching army on the move. All the musical instruments were morale builders for troops a long way from home.

"Except for your Simon and Garfunkel covers, Derek. Those build ZERO morale."

The legacy of music on the battlefield lives on in the modern-day form of U.S. military bands, like the Marine Corps' The President's Own, Today, they are used for ceremonial and morale-building events. Admit it, there would be a lot less interest in some events without the pomp and glory of some well-placed martial music.

It is worth nothing, however, that there is a real hierarchy to musical instruments on the battlefield, depending on which side you're fighting, how big the instrument is, and the amount of effort it takes to haul it into combat.

5. Whistles

And by whistles, I mean the kind lifeguards use to inform you that there's no running next to the pool. In World War I, officers used whistles to signal a march forward and "over the top" of the trenches and toward the Kaiser. Whistles were used in battles at the Somme, Verdun, and Belleau Wood.

If it seems like a bad idea to use a loud whistle that would alert the enemy (and their machine guns) as you and your mates were coming to inflict pain in the name of the King (or whomever else), you'd be right. A charge across no man's land was usually a pretty costly affair. The whistle was also used in a number of other ways, like a warning to stay clear of firing artillery.

A good rule of thumb if you ever find yourself in World War I: steer clear of whistles.

4. Harmonicas

These days, most people associate the harmonica with cowboys, cattle drivin', rustlers, and wild-west lawmen. But it actually originated much earlier than all that. It gained popularity in the U.S. in time for the Civil War and was still pretty popular among American troops well through World Wars I and II.

Small, compact, and lightweight, it was not an instrument you'd get confused with say, an order to go over the top, and it didn't have to be lugged around like Derek's stupid guitar. It also made for some really great solo music when you're sitting around by the fire, bored and waiting for your lieutenant to order you to run through mud at a machine gun.

And, unlike a drum, every once it a while, a well-placed harmonica would stop a bullet.

It's safe to say that these are a bit out of tune.

3. Bugles

Bugles weren't just used for battlefield communication, they dominated every aspect of a troop's daily life. When to wake up, when to eat, when the duty day was over, even sick call — all communicated through bugle calls.

Unfortunately for the enemy, a bugle call more often than not meant the a hundred or more war horses were on their way to mush you and your battle buddies into the ground.

Which usually would not end well for you and your buds.

2. Drums

Anyone who's heard the opening bars of Metallica's Enter Sandman can probably tell you just how awesome drums can be, even if the beat is very simple. In war, drums were not only used as communications, but also as a way to intimidate an enemy force into believing their numbers were bigger than they actually were.

In modern times, drums are used for ceremonial purposes or, like Enter Sandman, as a means of depriving captured Iraqis of sleep.

"Don't you dare let that beat drop, son."

1. Bagpipes

Easily the best instrument for hiding an army's numbers, bagpipes were considered a weapon of war until 1996. It was said that a highland regiment never went to war without a piper in the lead, so the bagpipes meant that that an army was on the move — and the enemy (usually the British) could have no idea how big it was. The pipes hid all other sounds.

By World War II, the pipes were relegated to being a background instrument, used only well behind friendly lines — until Bill Millan landed on Sword Beach during D-Day, sporting a kilt and playing the pipes.

The unmistakable sound of bagpipes on the move probably struck fear into the heart of any enemy, even if that sound came from miles away. It was loud enough to give you plenty of warning the Scots were on the move. They wanted you to be there when their army arrived.