If there’s one thing the Department of Defense can count on soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines to be bluntly honest about, it’s their food. And to the Defense Department’s credit, sometimes, it actually asks troops what they think.
Also Read: The 6 absolute worst MREs and field rations ever created from any era
Anyone who thinks that what American troops eat in the field doesn’t matter as long as it sustains them has clearly never served and should probably sit down. Food isn’t just about sustenance; it affects waste management, health, and morale (just to name a few). Having good food and a variety of it is one of the things that has made the American military the elite fighting machine it has been since World War II.
Variety is just one of the reasons the U.S. routinely changes its ration menus. But the labs that create the meals don’t always know what troops will eat (that’s obvious to anyone who’s had a veggie omelet). In 2005, 400 soldiers from Fort Greely, Alaska, were asked to taste-test a new menu of Meals, Ready to Eat (MREs) for anything that might stand out to them.
There were a lot of standouts.
Fort Greely’s finest filled out evaluation forms to make comments on the MREs, which were then compiled and sent to the Defense Department office that manages the procurement of field rations. Grunts don’t pull punches. That’s kinda the whole point of their job.
The main result was that U.S. troops got new MREs. Luckily for us, The Smoking Gun got its hands on the actual reviews. There was a lot of useful, practical feedback from the soldiers, but some of the comments are pure gold.
1. We’ll call this trooper “Shakespeare:“
“Cheese spread with bread is never a liked mix. Anger is usually the result.”
2. “The Prophet:“
“I noticed this meal # was 666… I will probably die of a massive heart attack thank you for feeding me possessed food.”
3. The Skeptic:
“This donut is just a brownie in a circle with crappy ‘frosting’, what are you trying to pull?”
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4. The Poet:
“I believe it was the dinner meal that caused this (Chicken and Dumplings), but it sounded like a flatulence symphony in my tent all night.”
5. The Biographer:
“I have disliked cabbage since childhood.”
6. The Drama Queen:
“Oh my god what were you thinking… don’t give cabbage to a soldier ever again even POWs deserve better.”
7. The Fortune Teller:
“The entree will only be eaten if you haven’t eaten all day.”
8. The PR Rep:
“Maybe change the name ‘Chicken Loaf,’ [it] scares me.”
9. Pfc. Midwest Childhood:
“Put Ranch Dressing on everything! Airborne!”
10. The Guy Who’s Wrong About Everything
“F*ck hot sauce [put] gummy bears inside.”
11. Sgt. WTF:
“Tabasco is good in your coffee.”
12. Found the Sapper:
“Change the Ranger bar name to ‘Sapper Bar'”
13. The Stream of Consciousness:
“5 Veg ravioli ‘friggin’ sucks. Spiced apple ‘friggin’ rock. Apple cinn. Pound cake taste like cheap perfume. (Friggin). Is chocoletto a foreign Name crap? Pizza anything friggin rocks! Gum is good.”
14. Staff Sgt. TMI:
“This new menu has me using the latrine 3x a day.”
15. Sgt. Maj. No Chance:
“Please bring back cigarettes.”
16. Pvt. Ungrateful:
“Jerky is very, very good. How many years did it take to figure that out?”
17. Sgt. Missing the Point:
“The name should be fiesta breakfast party. That would be funny.”
18. Sexual Healing:
“The vanilla pudding is so good I ripped it open, Licked the inside and rolled around on top of it like a dog. I prefer not to eat anything called loaf but in this case I made an exception… thank god I DID.”
19. Tell me it caused stomach problems without telling me it caused stomach problems:
“Add baby wipes. More toilet paper.”
20: “I want them to know it was me.”
“The whole meal pretty much sucked balls. If the side dish were better as well, I might try eating it. Thank you sincerely PFC George Esquire.”
“What happened to the cheese? Where was the side dish? I dislike the coffee, pudding not bad. Wish I had more to eat, but its food so its ok I suppose. Thanks for the Twizzlers. Sincerely PFC George Esquire.”
21: Anthony Bourdain:
“The breakfast enchilada was a bit spicy for my taste, but hey, that’s just me. The granola with milk and blueberries was good, just a little small. Also, even in the harsh conditions of the field or combat, the way it turned my mouth blue flooded my mind with childhood memories and for a slight moment, I was at peace! Oh and there is one too many toasts in the title of the French toast, toaster pastry. Just call it a French Toast pastry.”
22. We don’t want to know.
“Oil was a great idea. Wink Wink.”
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