Veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan rejoiced when retired Gen. James “Warrior Monk” Mattis was picked for the top job at the Pentagon by President-elect Donald Trump.
The hard-charging Marine is known for his tenacity both on and off the battlefield. He expects the same tenacity among those who serve under him (just ask Col. Joe Dowdy).
But the Mattis love can get a little out of hand.
So we tried to come up with a few ideas of what the Pentagon employees might expect now that Mattis could be next Secretary of Defense.
1. The “Run, Hide, Fight” active shooter policy will be simplified.
The Department of Homeland Security prepares citizens to respond to an active shooter scenario using the phrase “Run. Hide. Fight.” Which is great… for DHS. James Mattis’ DoD won’t run. And they definitely won’t hide.
2. Incoming employees must submit a plan to kill everyone in their work section.
One of the former General’s most colorful quotes goes:
“Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.”
Mattis isn’t going to be the kind of SECDEF that won’t put his money where his mouth is.
3. No more TVs; just mandatory fun reading time.
Mattis himself has never owned a television.
He spent the time most of us spend on TV, video games, a wife, children, hobbies, etc. reading Sun Tzu, Clausewitz, Patton, and Thucydides. That’s where he earned the nickname “Warrior Monk.”
Bring a book. And don’t think “Harry Potter” will cut it.
4. Every employee’s in-processing checklist will include getting shot at.
As the Marine once said:
“There is nothing better than getting shot at and missed. It’s really great.”
5. No more “Mad Dog.”
Now that Mattis will be in command again, the nickname so many use for him (including the President-elect) will have to be killed, slowly and deliberately, because according to NBC News, he really doesn’t like it.
And it’s unwise to continue to use a nickname for someone who doesn’t like it, especially when that person is known to enjoy shooting “some assholes in the world who just need to be shot.”
6. No more sauerkraut in the cafeteria.
The place still stinks to high hell from Robert Gates’ Reuben sandwiches. From now on, everyone will be required to drink three small glasses of fruit punch-flavored pre-workout drink Mattis invented, known as “The Blood of Our Enemies.”