Whether you call them silkies or Ranger panties, the overly-tight short-shorts of the military are here to stay.
Just about every military member has experienced either wearing — or much worse, viewing — troops in silkies. They are so well known, some Marines even have a Facebook page dedicated to them. So it was quite amusing to see one of the uninitiated discover the shorts at the tech website Gizmodo.
"Clearly all you need is a fresh pair of Ranger Panties and a patriotic spirit and you're ready to take on the world," writes Adam Clark Estes.
After finding his black Ranger Panties on Amazon, he reads some reviews. The top one, which he cites in his decision to buy, comes from a reviewer who claims to be a U.S. Marine stationed in Cairo: "If you love bald eagles, freedom, and flexing your quads at strangers for the simple pleasure of gauging their reaction, then I highly encourage you to hop on the freedom train and purchase these shorts," the reviewer writes. "They do not disappoint."
By the way, there are many more hilarious reviews of silkies that it's worth just reading through for many more gems. There's the guy who says normal, non-silky shorts make you look like a circus clown. And another dude claims that chicks dig them.
"If you have not experienced these shorts, they will change your life," writes another reviewer. For the record, I've worn silkies and my life was not changed. Still, that's besides the point.
Estes orders a medium-sized pair (dude, don't you know they are supposed to be way tighter than that?) and tests them out. Turns out, even civilians can love them. What comes next is an 1100-plus-word explainer and review of the Soffe-brand classics.
Now, the review — much like silkies — could have been much shorter, in my opinion. Something like: The military silkie-shorts, also known as "Ranger Panties," are physical training shorts that are so short they belong only on NBA basketball players in the 1970s. But people still wear them anyway.
But I digress.
After his girlfriend doesn't allow him to leave the house to test the shorts out in social engagements, he does get a chance to take them on some athletic endeavors. Estes writes:
Nevertheless, I was able to try my Ranger Panties out in various athletic environments. While the shorts are ideal for running, they're less than ideal for a crowded yoga class. Just as I'd read on Amazon, the inner liner is a thin shield between being appropriately clothed and "[wanting] the world to see your twig and berries." I appreciated the presence of the lining in my first yoga class, but I definitely double bagged it in public after a few close calls there.
In the end, Estes says he loves his Ranger Panties and urges you to buy some too. But he does concede that the danger of your "twig and berries" popping out is a legitimate concern.
And frankly, that's enough for me to urge you not to buy them. Because that's not a world I want to live in.