Hat Tip to writer Drew Magary, who pioneered his Hater’s Guides for Deadspin (RIP), which inspired this series, originally written in 2015. We had no idea WATM would survive this long.
It’s been said before that the U.S. military is a big family. Happy? Never. Dysfunctional? Absolutely, always and forever. We’re like the children of divorce whose mother keeps bringing home a new stepdad every few years. And yes, our mother divorces and remarries within a matter of a couple of months every few years—where do you think we got the idea? We’re not smart enough to come up with something brilliant like that on our own.
Related: Marines stole the spotlight from the National Guard in the LA Riots
But like children of divorce, we bicker and fight each other, trying to win our new dad’s favor. Whether it’s new uniforms or new technology, everyone’s fighting to be top dog. Of course, this sibling rivalry quickly vanishes when it comes time to do what the American military does best: buy brand new cars at 35 percent APR dominate our nation’s enemies on the battlefield. However, in the grand scheme of branch-on-branch rivalry, one component gets more hate than anyone else: the Army National Guard.
Here’s how everyone hates on the Army National Guard, how they should hate on the Army National Guard, how the Army National Guard hates on the Army National Guard, and why to really love the Army National Guard:
The Easiest Way to Hate on the Army National Guard
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve got reasons of your own. But the obvious is the part-time reservist status. The Army National Guard lacks the routine time to worry about frivolous active duty things like height/weight standards, uniform standards, grooming standards, or any standards, really. You can tell when it’s a drill weekend when a bunch of chunky dudes in multicam flood a random gas station, and you have to ask yourself, “Army or airsoft?” And you’re absolutely valid.
Additionally, funding in the Army National Guard is inconsistent. Each state primarily manages its own Army National Guard, but the National Guard Bureau manages it at the federal level, and budgets can vary. In a lot of cases, the Army National Guard may be running gear, equipment, or weapons from two generations ago. To this day, we still have soldiers running around with UCP gear and IOTVs older than the dude wearing it.
Promoting So Fast, Chuck Yeager Would Be Jealous
Soldiers in the Army National Guard are still required to go through the same basic training process as their Active Duty counterparts. They still have to take an ASVAB and meet the same requirements to graduate from their selected MOS training. But while the active duty Army side requires in-person, intensive boards for promotion, the Army National Guard has no such requirement. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a board process to promote from specialist to sergeant, but the board process is typically a “paper board” where a board reviews paperwork and decides if someone deserves a promotion.
Considering a soldier can show up to their Guard unit as a PFC and be a specialist by annual training, this can put them in a position to promote to sergeant within 3-4 years. While that can be great for the soldier, it could be disastrous to be under the leadership of a soldier who has realistically only done their job for four actual months. Furthermore, active duty soldiers sometimes have to move across the country for their promotion while National Guard soldiers have the option to stay within their state.
Good Reasons to Actually Hate the Army National Guard
Since the ARNG fulfills a part-time role, this gives soldiers an opportunity to pursue personal careers and goals. While you may be able to use some of your free time to take college courses on active duty, a soldier in the ARNG can just go to school full-time and have the rest of their time to do whatever the heck they want to.
There are soldiers in the ARNG who have six-figure salaries who are in the Guard for the love of the game, living in mansions and driving a Porsche to drill. Meanwhile, you’re living in mold-infested barracks, eating DFAC slop, and struggling to pay child support to that woman you should have never had relations with. Guardsmen and women will straight up tell you that your full-time job is their hobby and, in some cases, it’s absolutely true.
Why to Love the Army National Guard
The ARNG traces its history to 1636, before our founding fathers even signed the Declaration of Independence, and has fought in almost every American war since. Even though they were once advertised as “one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” that slogan hasn’t rung true since the Global War on Terror. While there may have been units that just filled sandbags or stood tower guard, plenty of units saw action.
The 1st Brigade Combat Team of the 34th Infantry Division (MN ARNG) completed a 22-month deployment to Iraq from 2006 to 2007. Not only was this deployment the longest continuous deployment of any unit, but they also found 462 IEDs and captured over 400 suspected insurgents. That is an impressive amount of work for a bunch of part-timers. This is just one example of the ARNG showing up and putting in work.
We could also talk about the 41st Infantry Brigade (OR ARNG) fighting in Najaf and Fallujah in 2004, or the 28th Infantry Division (PA ARNG) fighting in Ramadi in 2006. The list goes on, and we aren’t even getting into ARNG participation in World War I or World War II. The fact of the matter is, the ARNG will show up and fight alongside their active duty counterparts with no less honor or courage.
The ARNG also serves a key role at the state level: responding to natural disasters and civil unrest. While the media typically hyperfocuses on the civil unrest, the ARNG becomes an unsung hero of disasters. We don’t talk often enough about evacuating civilians during massive wildfires or providing food and medical aid after hurricanes.
This even overlooks the biggest fact of all: these are members of the community. These are your neighbors, friends, and coworkers. They’re likely suffering from the same disaster you are, but here they are making sure you are taken care of. When disaster strikes, they don’t run away—they don the uniform and show up, often at their own expense.
Also, the ARNG has two Special Forces groups, so they can’t be that uncool, right?
