6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck - We Are The Mighty
Humor

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Take your pick: Gundam, Pacific Rim, Godzilla, RoboCop, MechWarrior, whatever. When it comes to giant robots in pop culture, they’re almost always in the hands of the military, sent to fight against some equally giant threat.


In film and television, it makes for a great, over-the-top action sequence. In reality, if troops were given a giant robot to battle, they wouldn’t be focused on the awesomeness our childhood selves imagined, but rather on all the annoying chores associated with a real, giant, fighting robot.

6. Maintenance would be a pain in the ass

Think about how troops handle Motor Pool Mondays today. Kicking a tire, turning it on, and sitting in the A/C doesn’t count as an actual maintenance check of a vehicle.

Imagine if you had to PMCS a vehicle the size of a building. Nobody would check every inch of that robot to make sure it works.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
“That’s a 10-level problem.” (Image from Sunrise’s Mobile Suit Gundam: The 08th MS Team)

5. The rules of engagement on deploying one

Whenever anything is deployed into a combat scenario, risk assessment forms are done out the ass just to make sure that using a certain piece of equipment is worth the risk it poses to its surroundings. This is why the big guns of the Apache’s Hellfire missiles aren’t tossed around like candy.

Now, take that risk and multiply it by every step the robot takes, every laser that it shoots, and every time it punches a giant monster into a building.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Don’t get me started on the paperwork involved if a robot malfunctions or gains sentience and attacks its fleshy overlords. (Image from Orion Pictures’ RoboCop)

4. You probably wouldn’t be the pilot

If you consider how many people share the dream of being a pilot in the real world versus how many pilots there actually are, you’ll understand your chances are slim.

In fiction, it always seems like a young and spunky kid is given the reins on a multi-billion dollar fighting robot and everything works out. If the military hardly trusts its troops with something that costs a few thousand dollars, good luck getting behind the reins of a 10-figure fighting machine.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

3. If you WERE the pilot, you’d be uncomfortable as hell

Go ahead and ask a tanker, pilot, or literally anyone who spends their career operating heavy military vehicles if they were physically comfortable in their vehicle. Unless they’re a fighter pilot with seats designed to withstand the G-Force, they’ll laugh at you for asking such a ridiculous question.

Every last dime would go into giving it the ability to dispense more firepower and take more hits. Uncle Sam doesn’t care if your legs get a little bit sleepy.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Something tells me that the alarms would probably be right behind your ear… (Image from 20th Century Fox’s Avatar)

2. All of the safety classes…

Still enthused on the giant robot idea? Well, consider that the military would likely make a million and one different classes on the importance of proper robot safety. You’ll zone out and start hating the robot the well before you’re through with half of the forty required robot safety courses.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
God forbid you take your Titan for a test drive without a ground guide. (Image from Electronic Arts’ Titanfall 2)

1. It’d just suck in battle

And then cold, hard reality sinks in. Giant fighting robots just aren’t that effective in battle.

If they’re designed to walk on two legs, it could trip easily because of how top heavy it is. If it had hands, the controls to match the precise movements of a human hand would be mindblowing. If it was as massive as a building, it would be such an easy target. If it was piloted by a human, the human better hope the metal casing is sophisticated enough to him or her.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
But a man can dream, right? (Image from Piranha Games’ MechWarrior Online)

If you manage to do mental gymnastics to justify a giant robot in the face of all these issues, congratulations! You’re basically describing a modern day tank — and that already exists.

Humor

A vet pranked his entire family at his own funeral

Members of the military and veterans the world over have a dark sense of humor. Given the nature of our lives, we can either think about the gravest consequences of what we do or we can choose to laugh about it. We spend so much time joking about dark things, it bleeds into the rest of our lives. For one Irish veteran, it carried on into his death.


Shay Bradley died on Oct. 8, 2019, of a long illness, one “bravely borne” in Dublin, Ireland. Bradley was a veteran of the Irish Defense Forces, the all-volunteer military forces of the Republic of Ireland. He was laid to rest just four days later in a beautiful funeral that would have been at the same time solemn and sad. That’s when someone started knocking on the casket door.

From the inside.

“Hello? Hello. Hello? Let me out!” the funeralgoers heard. “”Where the f*ck am I? … Let me out, it’s f*cking dark in here. … Is that the priest I can hear? … This is Shay, I’m in the box. No, in f*cking front of you. I’m dead.”

Bradley wanted his wife to leave the funeral laughing instead of crying. According to his daughter Andrea, Shay recorded the audio about a year before his passing, knowing full well how his illness would end. No one knew about the recording that would be played at the funeral except Shay’s son Jonathan and his grandson, Ben. Jonathan let the cat out of the bag two days before the funeral, though, telling the immediate family about the recording.

It was Shay’s dying wish to play the prank at his own funeral. His wife was laughing as she left the cemetery, just as Shay had hoped.

“[It was his] way of saying not only goodbye, but to also say, ‘OK the sadness is over now here is a laugh so you can go and celebrate my life with a smile on your face.'”Bradley’s daughter told the Huffington Post. “This prank was one in a million, just like my dad.”

Humor

5 worst waits troops hurried up to be at

In the civilian world, waiting feels like hell. Soccer moms throw a fit if they wait more than three people for a coffee, that asshole driving behind you honks if you don’t accelerate sooner than 0.003 seconds after the light turns green, and some teenager out there is claiming that their life is ruined because a selfie is taking too long to upload.


God knows what would happen if these same people if they had to wait out an enlistment. It doesn’t matter what position you were, what branch, what rank, what era, or anything like that — if you’ve served, you know the true pain of waiting.

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Image via Reddit)

5. Arms room

It finally happened. You’ve left the range and the last thing you have to do is turn your weapon in to the armorer and then you can take your boots off. The entire platoon is ready, they cleaned their rifles for the last of many times that day, and they stack on the tiny window to give it to the armorer.

Aaaaaaaaand now it’s time to wait for the armorer to get their ass up from playing Call of Duty doing whatever they were doing to come open the arms room. Bonus points if they have a drink or snack that they picked up at the shoppette while they were on their way.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
More bonus points if they kick you back without giving you a reason why your spotless weapon is supposedly dirty. (U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Emily Greene)

4. Close of business meetings

At the end of every military day, officers and NCOs gather to talk about what happened that day and plot out what they will do the next day. To the uninformed lower enlisted who’s waiting on the sidelines, the pain is just as excruciating for everyone in the meeting except for the Gung Ho PowerPoint Ranger. 

The lower enlisted wait on their cellphones that have a sliver of battery left and the NCOs nod off listening to how whatever will “improve combat readiness.” Then, the officers wait their turn to say, “Yep. Things are good on my end. Let’s get out of here.”

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

 

3. Convoy Ops out of anywhere

It’s probably for the best that the actual SP (Start Point; when the convoy heads out) time is kept on a need-to-know basis.

Every single time: Troops wake up at 0200, arms room by 0300, leave the arms room at 0600 (because #5.), meet at the motor pool at 0630, and then… Sunrise… Eventually, you realize it’s almost lunch time and the vehicles are still lined up to leave.

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
It would be fine if the vehicles actually had good heating/air conditioning, had radios that actually played tunes, or were remotely comfortable… (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. F. Cordoba)

2. Getting any paperwork done

Swinging by S-1 to get that one award you told them twelve times to add to your record is a pain.

Swinging by the civilian office to get that divorce paperwork finalized after you’ve told them twelve times to remove it from your record is a nightmare.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
One picture to perfectly describes every stage of boredom waiting on paperwork. (Photo by Brandy Gill).

1. Literally any kind of ceremony

Oh, cool. Your commander’s commander got an “Attaboy” award for existing that is more prestigious than any award you brag about. Nothing builds genuine support for the commander’s commander like waking 300 troops up at 0200 to stand in formation for seven hours to hear about how great that person’s “Good Idea Fairy” was for three hours. Good going, sir! You’re being awarded for improving morale. Look how high morale is after ten hours of hearing how awesome you are…

If it’s a change of command ceremony, you can tell immediately what kind of leader you’re getting by if they keep their word after uttering the phrase, “Alright, I’ll keep this brief…”

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

*Bonus* Just… everything before deploying

This is the catch-all for all of the waits you’ll endure before deploying. Finance? Sixish hours. Dental? Eightish hours. Medical? Tenish hours. Central Issuing Facility? All day. Waiting to get that one signature from that one office that’s only open for four hours a week for some reason and only half an hour each day? An eternity.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Whoever thought mass medical check-ups would be simple has obviously never stood in a line of 500 troops waiting on a blood draw. (U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Trevor Saylor)

popular

5 mistakes newbies make right after boot camp

Most of us feel on top of the world after we graduate from boot camp. After spending several weeks being yelled at and told what to do every second of the day, you think you’re now finally free.


Now that you’ve learned how to make your rack like a true expert and you can perfectly don your uniform with your eyes closed, you think you’ve got things all planned out.

The truth is, you don’t. These are 5 mistakes that newbies make when they’re fresh out of boot camp.

Related: 5 things you should know before diving into a ‘contract marriage’

5. Poorly plan your diddy moves

Servicemembers can make some pretty nice bank if they move their stuff to their first duty station themselves. Since the military pays you for moving all your gear based on its poundage, many newbies spend tons of time trying to tack on everything they own — but often fail to plan a proper route.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

 

4. Drink yourself broke

Since we can’t drink alcohol during basic training, we tend to make up for lost time and gulp down as much as we can during our first weekend of liberty. E-1s aren’t millionaires, but you’d never know it by the number of beer cans and vodka bottles they go through.

That’s cool and all… but that’s a 12 dollar beer. 

3. Thinking boot camp made you an amazing fighter

We understand that boot camp does teach recruits certain levels of self-defense and ground fighting. This training doesn’t make you a black belt, so be careful not to pick a fight with someone who actually has a black belt after drinking a few pitchers of liquid courage.

But I just graduated from a self-defense class… 

2. Getting that motivated tattoo

That is all.

Also Read: 5 ways Marines are like ancient Spartans

1. Buying crap you don’t need on credit

It seems like boots walk around with this huge invisible sign hanging around their necks that tell salespeople you’re new to the military.

They also know that you get a guaranteed paycheck every few weeks. So, they’ll convince you that you need their expensive products with no money down — they tend to leave out info about the massive APR.

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Can you think of any others? Comment below!

Humor

The 13 funniest military memes of the week of May 18th

Much to the joy of most airmen and the disdain of most soldiers, it looks like the Air Force is going to officially adopt the Army’s OCP uniform. Meanwhile, I’m just sitting here on the sidelines wondering if they’ll steal the Pinks and Greens as well (since, you know, they technically wore them, too, back when they were the Army Air Corps).


Have a good weekend, everyone! Enjoy yourself. Go see Deadpool 2 if you want. Just don’t do anything that Deadpool would do — that’s how you get random bullsh*t tacked on to safety briefs.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via /r/AirForce)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via Lost in the Sauce)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via Team Non-Rec)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via American AF)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via Army as F*ck)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via the Salty Soldier)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via Decelerate Your Life)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Says)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via Disgruntled Vets)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

(Meme via Air Force Nation)

Humor

5 things we wish we knew before joining the Air Force

We’ve said our goodbyes, given out our hugs and kisses. We have left the comfort of home, often for the first time, to go serve in the world’s greatest military. In our minds, life was about just about to get real, and that is true…but some of those expectations were quickly tempered, especially joining the Air Force.


Here are 5 things we all wish we knew before joining.

Related: 6 signs that you might be a veteran

1. If you think you’ve avoided college…think again.

Many of us joined the service anxious to get out on our own and start making a living. We didn’t know what that looked like but we knew it wouldn’t involve dorm rooms and college, at least not right away.

What’s the first thing we get once we get to the operational Air Force? Dorm rooms and college courses, of course.

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Week 1 of tech school.

 

2. You’re going to fight the war, just like in the movies.

Every job in the Air Force supports the fight. From Services and Security Forces, to Medical Administrators and Dental Techs, we all pitch in to help fight the good fight.

The problem is, supporting the fight could be anything from handing out towels at the gym to doing Hearts and Hands mission downrange. You just never know what you’re going to get.

It can be disappointing to not feel like you’re doing enough, but just remember that we’re all part of the military machine as a whole — supporting roles are important, too.

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Vital mission support items.

3. You’re a grown-up now, right?

On the surface, yes. Every man and woman serving in the U.S. military is an adult, but slow your horses.

Just because you can fight for the country doesn’t mean you can indulge in all the adult activities you want (namely: drinking alcohol). Being an 18 year old service member does not privy you to alcoholic beverages.

If you’re like me, you probably didn’t even know underage drinking was a thing prior to being told that if you’re caught drinking or drunk you’ll be on the way back to mama’s house quick, fast, and in a hurry.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Not so fast, little one. You have a lot of growing up to do.

 

4. You get to grow a big beard and wear shades all the time

Yeah, no.

Hollywood has lied to you. The small section of members that are allowed to rock those gnarly beards earn that right through training and perseverance.

Even those elite members are subject to some form of relaxed uniform standard.

The shades are cool though. Except when in formation.

And they can’t be reflective.

Or overly stylish.

Essentially they’ve got to be plain, conservative, and non-attention drawing.

Sorry.

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Probably not going to be you, buddy.

 

Also Read: 5 of the top excuses MPs hear during traffic stops

5. You get a sports car when you sign up, right?

No, but you could go to the local dealership and get one with ease.

Sadly, that is because many of those dealerships are waiting to give you one on a shady loan with something like 20% interest attached to it. Be smart. Get a Prius.

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Not only will you save the environment, you’ll also build strength when you’re forced to defend your choice.

Humor

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Sept. 29

In Saudi Arabia, women are driving.


In America, women are graduating the Marine Corps Infantry Officer Course.

In Germany, women are being re-elected to their fourth consecutive term as Chancellor.

Ok, so America isn’t perfect but at least we didn’t elect HITLER, amirite?

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
This is literally the least offensive person I could put here. Bet you thought a Trump joke was coming.

You know what IS perfect? The invention of the meme. More specifically, memes from the veteran community. Here are the funniest we found this week.

1. Let’s start with the Coast Guard (said no one ever). (via Coast Guard Memes)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Now they can wear the same NWU but pretend they aren’t interchangeable.

2. It’s now fall, but it will soon be winter. Get ready.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Winter is coming.

3. Stay warm with Urban Outfitters new Air Force supply stores.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
No one’s a thief, we’re just trying to get our sh*t back.

4. The best part about Fall? Football is back!

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
I’m always in the beer line during the national anthem so I’ve never noticed who stood or sat. Or kneeled. Also, all of those guys look like the E-6s in my first unit.

5. And who’s looking forward to Thanksgiving?

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Pearl Jam has a song about this.

6. Maintainers will probably not get that holiday. Or many holidays. (via Maintainer Humor)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
I was a nonner and can also say this for my career.

7. Everyone gets more breaks than maintainers.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
I clearly don’t know what grunt life is like.

8. For the E-4s of the world, it’s quality over quantity. (via Why I’m Not Re-Enlisting)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Haters will say it’s photoshop.

9. But when you make NCO, Thursdays get more special.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
This is the title of my autobiography.

10. Also, I get the feeling my girl’s been cheating on me.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
We get that feeling too.

11. Isn’t it worth it just to wear the uniform?

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Some days. Not today. But some days.

12. Keep holding on to that dream.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Just ETS things.

13. For now, just do what you do best.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
And dip.

Articles

This is what happens when a SEAL helps you with your lady problems

After a full season of plunging into the high-octane, post-service worlds of veterans like Russell Davies, Mike Glover and Jacqueline Carrizosa, Oscar Mike host Ryan Curtis was feeling understandably uneasy about the state of his own manhood.


After all, over the span of 9 episodes, he’d been out-driven, out-paddled, out-shot, out-jumped, and, well, knocked out — not to mention the emotional pasting he took in Navy SEAL-turned actor David Meadow’s acting class.

Each of these vets has taken some slim notion of a civilian future, paired it with the skills and discipline he or she learned in the military, and then proceeded to kick ass with nary a backward glance.

Curtis, however, found himself in need of some help.

Luckily for him, he had a team of “Oscar Mike” vets ready and willing to support their brother, starting with Meadows. Of course, it didn’t go smoothly.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Self-reliance is important but sometimes you gotta squad up. (Go90 Oscar Mike screenshot)

In the season one finale, Curtis learns the most important lesson of all: Lean on your mates. Be there for them to lean on you. Do that, and we’ll all be “oscar mike” together.

Watch him limp toward enlightenment in the video embedded at the top.

Watch more Oscar Mike:

This Green Beret will make you a mental commando

The Marine Rapper will make you shake your Citizen Rump

This is why the future of motocross is female

This is what happens when a Navy SEAL becomes an actor

This Iraq vet kayaker will make you rethink PTSD

Humor

5 military myths that Hollywood has taught us to believe

We love movies! That’s why producers spend millions of dollars making them. Sometimes the films we watch are so compelling, audience members believe every moment that is spoon fed to them is the truth.


We’re all guilty of falling for it. Many movie goers get sold on the narrative as the story unfolds across the big screen — even to the point where the performances feel true to life — and the delicate line between truth and fiction becomes too thin.

Related: 7 life lessons we learned from watching ‘Full Metal Jacket’

So check out these military myths that Hollywood puts in their movies and want us to think actually happen — but don’t fall for it.

1. Vietnam veterans are crazy

Movies and TV shows love to feature characters that had tough military careers and reverted to drinking to suppress the memories. This does happen in real life from time-to-time, but not to everyone.

Most who served during that era use their military experience to propel themselves and inspire others.

2. You throw your clean cover after a military graduation

It’s a lot of work to not only find the cover you just flung into the air but clean the grass stains off too.

Does anyone have a tide pen? (Paramount)

3. Cinematic deaths

They just don’t exist — but we tip our hats to filmmaker Oliver Stone (an Army veteran) for capturing this epic movie moment in 1986s Platoon.

How many rounds do you think he took? (Orion Pictures)

4. That one guy who can save the day

In the military, you train as a team and you fight as one, as well.

The debate isn’t if one single person can save another’s ass during battle — that frequently happens.

What we call bullsh*t on is when that single motivator springs into action and becomes the final denominator and leads them to victory as the rest of his team remains pinned down and losing the fight.

They have the need for speed (Paramount)

5. No one gets concussions…ever

We’ve seen countless movies where people get blown up by various sources of explosive ordnance and seem to recover right away (just watch any 80s movie). Since we want to believe the good guys are as tough as nails, they will just brush off the injury and carry on.

It rarely happens like that.

In fact, the traumatic brain injury has been called the signature wound of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars.

Hearing a phone or bells ringing is one of the first signs of concussion (Sony)

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Humor

9 Navy SEAL memes that you’ll be afraid to laugh at

Since the halcyon days of World War II frogmen, Navy SEALs have completed some of the most dangerous missions while remaining hidden in shadows — until the tell-all book comes out, that is.

Although the few who have earned the beloved SEAL Trident are considered the toughest the military has to offer, like anybody, they also have a humorous side the world rarely gets to see — until now.

So, kick back, enjoy and try not to laugh too hard — they could be watching.


6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

We’re pretty sure they meant King Salman, not the king of upstream swimming.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Did you really think these memes were going to be disrespectful? If so, you’re crazier than we thought. We’re talking about the Navy SEALs here — we’re not taking that risk.

Articles

11 hiding spots for an E-4

Not every E-4 has an engine room to hide out in, but there are plenty of other places to skate.


Now, there’s a fine line between when you just need a moment to yourself and when you’re screwing over your comrades — don’t be the guy who crosses this line.

If you need to hide, do it in a place where you’re only just a call away. That way you can keep shamming and your buddies can still cover for you.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
You can’t win wars without ’em. (Image courtesy of Under the Radar)

This list is purely for entertainment purposes. If you get caught and blame it on an article you read — that’s on you.

11. In plain sight

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

If you look like you’re squared away, people will assume you are…and will be none the wiser if you conveniently aren’t around when there’s a call for parade practice volunteers.

10. Sick Call

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Some say it’s “malingering.” Others say it’s “documenting it for the VA down the road.”

9.  Dental

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

As long as you actually show up, your leader shouldn’t see an issue with you getting your teeth taken care of.

8. Smoke Pit

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

How many times have we all heard the phrase “if you smoke, take five to ten. If you don’t, I need you to…”

There’s a lot of new faces around the smoke pit whenever they hear that.

7. Alterations

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Hey. You never know when the next Dress Uniform inspection is. Why not take the time to get it ready?

6. Post/Base Exchange (PX/BX)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

You’d be amazed at how lenient everyone becomes when you say the phrase “Anyone want anything from the shopette?”

5. Inside a vehicle

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

Motor Pool Mondays. Someone has to check to see if the air conditioner is working or not.

4. Latrine

via GIPHYIf you got to go, you got to go. Just turn the sound off your phone before you play games.

 9. Charge of Quarters (CQ)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Always try to get duty on a Thursday or the day before a four day starts. Who doesn’t want an extended weekend?

10. Barracks

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Be sure to use buzz words like “spotless” and “maintained” before sneaking off to play that new game you picked up earlier at the PX/BX.

11. Behind your rank

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

It’s called a “Sham Shield” for a reason. Push that duty onto someone else while you wait for close of business formation.

*Bonus* At Fort Couch

If none of these places work for you and you just have to sham, PCS to Fort Couch. No one will get on you to do anything. You really will be on your “own f-cking program.”

via GIPHY
Humor

9 stupid mistakes boots immediately regret

In life, making mistakes is inevitable — happens to everyone. While some screw-ups in the civilian sector aren’t considered a big deal, making them in the military can include a heavy punishment.


For many new service members, shedding that civilian mentality of “I can do whatever I want,” is a challenge — especially when you have to wait for permission to do something like go home for the day.

Too late now. (Images via Giphy)

Related: 7 military regs service members violate every day

So check out our list of stupid mistakes boots immediately regret during that special adjustment-to-active-duty period:

1. Talking back to a superior

Sometimes you feel the need to tell off someone higher ranking than you just to show your bros how tough you are. In many cases, the punishment given for that action can be worse than the crime committed.

Someone’s getting extra duty (Images via Giphy)

2. Marrying just for the benefits

Sure, the extra pay to buy beer for your friends sounds good now, but there are so many things that can go wrong right after saying the words, “I do.”

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Who here married a stripper to move out of the barracks? Sorry, exotic dancer…

3. Sleeping with a grenade for your friend

We do a lot for our military brothers and sisters; this can include sleeping with someone’s friend as a personal favor.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Imagine waking up next to that.

This one is rarely a repeat mistake…

4. Over-sleeping and missing formation

It happens quite frequently, especially after a long night of drinking. I hope that sleep was worth it, because you’re gonna get reamed.

Being super cute won’t get you out of trouble every time. (Images via Giphy)

5. Getting caught with someone hiding in your trunk

After a set time, most military bases won’t allow people to enter the front gate without proper ID. So there’s only one way to sneak that special someone through security — stow them in the trunk.

Hopefully, your date will fit. (Images via Giphy)

6. Negligent discharge

Everybody wants to look cool while carrying a weapon around. But don’t be the one who accidentally fires the damn thing.

Keep your finger off the trigger until you’re prepared to fire. (Images via Giphy)

7. When you break something expensive because you don’t know how to work it

It happens, but now you either have to man up and face the situation or cover the mistake up somehow.

Yes, you did. (Images via Giphy)

Also Read: 7 important life skills you learned in the military and didn’t even realize it

8. When you try and complete a stunt but…

…it turns out to be an epic fail.

Now you’ve damaged government property. Go get your Motrin and then get ready to fill out paperwork.

His take off was good, but he failed to stick the landing. (Images via Giphy)

9. Getting a DUI

Showing your boys you can drive drunk is a dumb way to show off.

At least he didn’t spill his beer. (Images via Giphy)Can you think of any others? Comment below.
Articles

How to sham out of work and get promoted while doing it

So, you’re a high-speed, low-drag new trooper who wants to have a successful and rewarding military career. The only problem is that you’re lazy.


Not “I can’t get out of bed without a personal pep talk from Richard Simmons” lazy, but more, “I’m not going to make my bed because I’m just going to ruin it tonight” lazy.

In the civilian world, that’s fine. But in the military, you can actually get demoted for not making your bed. So how do you get ahead in Uncle Sam’s Rifle Club with minimum effort? Easy. You learn to sham (or if you joined the sea services, “skate”).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
It’s a lot like this, but with less work. (Photo: US Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Christopher L. Vallee)

Shamming and skating are the fine arts of doing little to no work while avoiding friction and punishments from command.

The trick is to pace yourself throughout the day, doing work only when necessary but also giving the perception of constant activity.

A top-shelf sham day starts with not doing physical training. The most obvious way to get out of this is a pass from the medics. WATM does not encourage this…but here’s our guide. If you can get a full-day pass to stay in the barracks, your shamming is now in easy mode.

But sick call slips and chits are rationed, and remaining on quarters for too long can get you kicked out for “malingering.” If you want to get promoted, you’ll have to get more creative.

First, always know who is instructing PT in the morning and what the planned activity is. If Spc. McMuffin is leading the platoon on a slow jog down the main strip, just bite the bullet and do PT. But if Sgt. Creatine is leading a ruck-run and circuit-training Crossfit extravaganza, then you need to volunteer for a work detail.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
These aren’t exactly fun. (Photo: U.S. Air Force Tech. Sgt. Jorge Intriago)

But wait, wait, wait! I thought you said I wasn’t going to have to actually work?

Sure, volunteering for work may seem counterproductive. But pulling a 12-hour guard shift on some ammo in a field while you’re playing the newest Candy Crush level and taking turns napping with the other guard is way better than playing log throw with Capt. America and then spending all day at a desk.

Speaking of desk work, there are ways to sham through that if you get stuck in it. If you permanently work in an office, the best thing you can do is create the impression that you’re always working way too hard to be interrupted.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Getting someone to take photos of you from interesting angles can only help your cause. (Photo: U.S Army Staff Sgt. Mike Pryor)

This can be achieved with multiple little green notebooks, legal pads, and an endless number of browser windows. Spread the legal pads and notebooks around the desk and fill the open pages with illegible writing. Draw lots of arrows between areas of text.

If anyone asks what you’re doing, start talking a lot about guidance from headquarters and how it affects 3rd quarter mandatory training. There’s not an NCO in the world that will stick around.

When you’re only working the office for the day, the best thing you can do is offer to shred things and take the trash out. No one is timing these tasks, so there’s plenty of time to joke around with buddies or check your phone. You should take the trash out at least three or four times in a regular duty day.

And, once you volunteer to take the trash out enough times or to run other errands, people will start thinking that you must be doing said errands when they can’t see you.

Now you’re in business. Once they stop checking up on you, start adding a 20-minute nap to each errand and trash run that you do.

Another place you can work constant naps into the day is the motor pool. Avoid emptying and reloading connexes by volunteering to PMCI vehicles. At each vehicle, open the front doors and raise the hood, then rack out in the back seat for a few minutes. Finally, declare the vehicle ready to go, close everything up, and move on to the next one.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
This guy is inspecting the inside of the gas tank. Instead, look inside the gas tank when you refill it and use the time you save during inspection to nap. (Photo: U.S. Army Pfc. James Dutkavich)

At the end of the day, there’s always the risk that a pleased platoon or first sergeant will want to inspect the room of such a squared-away individual.

Fear not — passing room inspections is easy. The trick is to get the barracks super clean one time. We’re talking perfection here. No dust anywhere, scrub the backs of the appliances, secure the bedspread with bungee cords and glue the hospital corners into place. Tie up your roommate and hide him in the woodline.

Place neatly organized study cards next to your computer, which should have exactly one browser window open to whatever your branch’s promotions and accessions guidance is.

The platoon and first sergeant will not believe their eyes. They’ll praise you in front of the formation and talk amongst themselves for days about how polished you are.

Then they’ll become complacent and they won’t inspect you anymore. They might come by for payday inspections and the company change of command, but that’s about it.

The rest of the year you can walk around in your room dripping marinara sauce onto the floor, and no one will know or care.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Photo: Terminal Lance/Facebook

That barracks will become your palace of filth, and no one will be the wiser. In fact, they’ll be so impressed by that one inspection and all those guard details you volunteered for that they’ll promote you ahead of your peers until you get paid to move out of the barracks — you won’t even have to get a contract marriage to the first person you meet off-base.

Congrats, shammer. You have arrived.

 

(Also, maybe retrieve your roommate from the woodline at some point. He could legitimately die).

Do Not Sell My Personal Information