6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck - We Are The Mighty
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6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Take your pick: Gundam, Pacific Rim, Godzilla, RoboCop, MechWarrior, whatever. When it comes to giant robots in pop culture, they’re almost always in the hands of the military, sent to fight against some equally giant threat.


In film and television, it makes for a great, over-the-top action sequence. In reality, if troops were given a giant robot to battle, they wouldn’t be focused on the awesomeness our childhood selves imagined, but rather on all the annoying chores associated with a real, giant, fighting robot.

6. Maintenance would be a pain in the ass

Think about how troops handle Motor Pool Mondays today. Kicking a tire, turning it on, and sitting in the A/C doesn’t count as an actual maintenance check of a vehicle.

Imagine if you had to PMCS a vehicle the size of a building. Nobody would check every inch of that robot to make sure it works.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
“That’s a 10-level problem.” (Image from Sunrise’s Mobile Suit Gundam: The 08th MS Team)

5. The rules of engagement on deploying one

Whenever anything is deployed into a combat scenario, risk assessment forms are done out the ass just to make sure that using a certain piece of equipment is worth the risk it poses to its surroundings. This is why the big guns of the Apache’s Hellfire missiles aren’t tossed around like candy.

Now, take that risk and multiply it by every step the robot takes, every laser that it shoots, and every time it punches a giant monster into a building.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Don’t get me started on the paperwork involved if a robot malfunctions or gains sentience and attacks its fleshy overlords. (Image from Orion Pictures’ RoboCop)

4. You probably wouldn’t be the pilot

If you consider how many people share the dream of being a pilot in the real world versus how many pilots there actually are, you’ll understand your chances are slim.

In fiction, it always seems like a young and spunky kid is given the reins on a multi-billion dollar fighting robot and everything works out. If the military hardly trusts its troops with something that costs a few thousand dollars, good luck getting behind the reins of a 10-figure fighting machine.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

3. If you WERE the pilot, you’d be uncomfortable as hell

Go ahead and ask a tanker, pilot, or literally anyone who spends their career operating heavy military vehicles if they were physically comfortable in their vehicle. Unless they’re a fighter pilot with seats designed to withstand the G-Force, they’ll laugh at you for asking such a ridiculous question.

Every last dime would go into giving it the ability to dispense more firepower and take more hits. Uncle Sam doesn’t care if your legs get a little bit sleepy.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Something tells me that the alarms would probably be right behind your ear… (Image from 20th Century Fox’s Avatar)

2. All of the safety classes…

Still enthused on the giant robot idea? Well, consider that the military would likely make a million and one different classes on the importance of proper robot safety. You’ll zone out and start hating the robot the well before you’re through with half of the forty required robot safety courses.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
God forbid you take your Titan for a test drive without a ground guide. (Image from Electronic Arts’ Titanfall 2)

1. It’d just suck in battle

And then cold, hard reality sinks in. Giant fighting robots just aren’t that effective in battle.

If they’re designed to walk on two legs, it could trip easily because of how top heavy it is. If it had hands, the controls to match the precise movements of a human hand would be mindblowing. If it was as massive as a building, it would be such an easy target. If it was piloted by a human, the human better hope the metal casing is sophisticated enough to him or her.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
But a man can dream, right? (Image from Piranha Games’ MechWarrior Online)

If you manage to do mental gymnastics to justify a giant robot in the face of all these issues, congratulations! You’re basically describing a modern day tank — and that already exists.

Articles

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Jul. 1

It’s America Weekend! If you’re not already on a four-day, we are so sorry and we want to know what’s wrong with your command just as much as you do.


Whether you’re stuck on duty, working some post-DD-214 civilian job, or just waking up from the first barracks party of the weekend, here are 13 of the week’s funniest military memes:

1. Word is that if he actually donated his own blood, every recipient would go super saiyan (via Military Memes).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

2. “Guys, I’m already just faking half of my duties.”

(via Pop Smoke)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

SEE ALSO: After 50 years, a heroic Huey pilot will receive the Medal of Honor

3. “Oh crap.”

(via Marine Corps Memes)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

4. “Hello, tank. Some guys on the ridge took pop shots at us.”

(via Military Memes)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
“Could you –” BOOM! “Yeah, that probably did it.”

5. The famed Pillsbury Dough Chief (via Military Memes).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

6. So many certificates, so little learning (via Air Force Memes Humor).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
There’s supposed to be another joke right here.

7. First step to any military plan: Get everything clean (via Team Non-Rec).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Second step: Inspections.

8. “Do not mouth off to the NCOs, do not mouth off –”

(via The Salty Soldier)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Remember: That first sergeant is likely to be on the promotion board.

9. That toll booth operator told this story at every party for the net ten years (via Military Memes).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Seriously tank, you could’ve driven on the grass, across the parking lot, through the booth, anywhere.

10. Better submit that ticket before the keyboard starts burning too (via Coast Guard Memes).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Forget the fire extinguisher. The computer guys will bring one with them.

11. “So, you’ll start by taking the ASVAB …”

(via Do You Even Marine, Bro?)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

12. The F-35 is always in trouble (via Air Force Nation).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

13. The E-4 mafia gets saltier and saltier every year (via The Senior Specialist).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Maybe it’s because the specialists have given up on getting promoted.

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of July 7

Shake off that hangover from the four-day weekend, everyone. There’s a normal weekend coming up and we can’t just neglect these parties because last week’s were too epic.


Slam a case of Rip-Its, get some giggles from these military memes, and treat your safety brief like a To-Do list.

1. Play that funky music, white boy (via Funker530).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
But also, find a surgeon for your buddy’s traumatic brain injury.

2. Might keep the other branches from knowing what you’re eating …

(via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
… but actually increases the chance that your crayons are stolen.

ALSO SEE: This is what happens when the Army puts a laser on an Apache attack helicopter

3. Everyone wants to be an operator until it’s time to do trauma surgery (via Weapons of Meme Destruction).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
This duo’s one-liners are drier than any martini.

4. Bet she gets selected for all the good details. And the bad ones.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

5. Oooh, if they get really mad, they’ll start comparing commissioning dates (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

6. One is a surgeon, the other a butcher (via Valhalla Wear).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
This is why machine gunners are more popular at parties. They bring more party favors.

7. Doesn’t matter which branch you join (via Decelerate Your Life).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
It’s not the budget. It’s the personnel.

8. Upon further reflection, maybe too few recruits isn’t the worst problem (via ASMDSS).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Better to not have enough armorers than to have these armorers.

9. For that much money, I’ll become a pilot (via Air Force amn/nco/snco).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
I’ll even pay for my own flight lessons.

10. No one will know (via Shit my LPO says).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Probably a submariner. They’re experts in staying secret.

11. Oh, you thought you might see your family before you leave for a year or more?

(via Decelerate Your Life)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
It’s all essential training. Now get in there and learn not to sexually assault one another.

12. The difference between “sick call” and “calling in sick” is wider than most civilians think (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Like, only one of those things works at all.

13. Powerpoint Ranger, Powerpoint Ranger, where have you been?

(via Military World)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Around the shared drive, and back again.

Articles

Gene Hackman’s response on why he joined the Marines is TV gold

“I couldn’t get laid.”


That’s the reason actor Gene Hackman gave to former late-night talk show host David Letterman as an explanation for why he joined the Marine Corps.

At the young age of 16, Hackman dropped out of high school and used his acting ability to convince his way into enlisting in the Marine Corps.

In 1947, the acclaimed actor completed boot camp and was quickly sent off to serve in China as a field radio operator. Hackman also spent time serving in Hawaii and Japan.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Young Marine Cpl. Gene Hackman. (Source: Pinterest)

Related: 70+ celebrities who were in the military

During his time in the Corps, Hackman was demoted three times for leaving his post without proper authorization.

After Hackman had been discharged, the San Bernardino native went on to study journalism and TV production at the University of Illinois. By 30, he had broken into a successful acting career and would be nominated for five Academy Awards and winning two for his roles in “The French Connection” and “Unforgiven.”

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Hackman is credited with approximately 100 film and TV roles and is currently retired from acting.

Also Read: Here’s how Hollywood turns actors into military operators

Check out Zschim‘s channel to watch Gene Hackman’s epic response to TV show host David Letterman’s question for yourself starting at 29:10.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z5onX0SQME
(Zschim, YouTube)
popular

We made the best fictional infantry squad ever

Managing an infantry squad is similar to a sports coach shifting players around to positions that best fit their strengths and talents. Since Marines aren’t created equal, capitalizing on those strengths and building up weakness is why the U.S. military is such a juggernaut today.


On special occasions, a Marine infantry squad patrol is comprised of a platoon leader (if he decides to go), a squad leader, three fire team leaders, three SAW gunners, and six riflemen.

This all, of course, depends on how your squad is made up — we’re even going to throw in a Company Gunny for sh*ts and giggles.

Related: 6 newbie boots you wouldn’t want in your infantry squad

So check out our list of who’d make up our infantry squad if we got to pick favorites.

Our Platoon Leader: Splinter

He’s been there, done that, and he’s missing half of an ear from fighting a fellow ninja.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: Wikipedia Commons)

 

Our Company Gunny: Gunny Thomas Highway

He eats concertina wire and pisses napalm. What else do you look for in leadership?

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: WB/Screenshot)

Our Squad Leader: Sgt. Slaughter

He’s a career Sergeant and loves his country. That is all.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: Twitter @_SgtSlaughter)

Three Fire Team Leaders:

1. John McClane

He’s a smart *ss and a pretty good detective, but can’t ever seem to pick up E-5 because of bad luck. Everywhere he goes a terrorist attack breaks out, but he knows how to handle that sh*t.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(20th Century Fox)

2. Indiana Jones

He never quits, plus he’s great at reading maps and studies the cultures of the countries he’s about to help invade.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: Paramount/Screenshot)

3. Neo

He is the “chosen one” and we’re choosing him to be a fire team leader.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: WB/Screenshot)

Saw Gunners

1. Animal Mother

He doesn’t give a sh*t about anything but killing the bad guys which is totally bad ass.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: WB/Screenshot)

2. Rambo

He can carry all the gear and shoot from the hip; no doubt he’ll put accurate rounds down range.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: TriStar/Screenshot)

3. Xander Cage

His hair is always in regs and he’s an adrenaline junky — we like that.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: Sony/Screenshot)

Riflemen

1. Luke Skywalker

I mean, obviously, right?

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: Buena Vista/Screenshot)

2. Sloth

He’s strong as hell, but needs to be told what to do.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: WB/Screenshot)

3. Deadpool

He’s an outstanding shot, but he’ll never get promoted to Corporal — not with that smart ass attitude.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: Flickr)

4. Private Reiben

He’s a hard charger and fights ’til the very end.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: Dream Works/Screenshot)

5. Frank Drebin

He’s comical as hell and Marines loved to be entertained while out in the sh*t. Plus he seems to always get the job done…somehow.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: Paramount/Screenshot)

6. Wolverine

He’s always down to fight and can heal himself up, making the Corpsman’s life easier.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: Fox/Screenshot)

The Comm Guy/ Radioman: Donatello

The one from the latest movies, not the cartoon version where he can’t get sh*t to work properly. Plus he’s a freakin’ ninja.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: Paramount/Pinterest)

Corpsman: Dr. Doug Ross

He’s good looking and has good hair — so do all Corpsmen.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: NBC/ The Ringer)

Bonus – The first infantrywoman: Imperator Furiosa

Just in case we get stuck in a firefight, she’d be good to have around.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Source: WB/Screenshot)

Who would you put into your infantry squad? Comment below.

Articles

This is what happens when a SEAL helps you with your lady problems

After a full season of plunging into the high-octane, post-service worlds of veterans like Russell Davies, Mike Glover and Jacqueline Carrizosa, Oscar Mike host Ryan Curtis was feeling understandably uneasy about the state of his own manhood.


After all, over the span of 9 episodes, he’d been out-driven, out-paddled, out-shot, out-jumped, and, well, knocked out — not to mention the emotional pasting he took in Navy SEAL-turned actor David Meadow’s acting class.

Each of these vets has taken some slim notion of a civilian future, paired it with the skills and discipline he or she learned in the military, and then proceeded to kick ass with nary a backward glance.

Curtis, however, found himself in need of some help.

Luckily for him, he had a team of “Oscar Mike” vets ready and willing to support their brother, starting with Meadows. Of course, it didn’t go smoothly.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Self-reliance is important but sometimes you gotta squad up. (Go90 Oscar Mike screenshot)

In the season one finale, Curtis learns the most important lesson of all: Lean on your mates. Be there for them to lean on you. Do that, and we’ll all be “oscar mike” together.

Watch him limp toward enlightenment in the video embedded at the top.

Watch more Oscar Mike:

This Green Beret will make you a mental commando

The Marine Rapper will make you shake your Citizen Rump

This is why the future of motocross is female

This is what happens when a Navy SEAL becomes an actor

This Iraq vet kayaker will make you rethink PTSD

Humor

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

You’ve got your DD-214 in hand, you’ve taken off the uniform for the last time, and you’ve likely set fire to the road as you head off to a new life beyond service. A new life, however, usually means a new job.


School is probably the most pressing thing on your radar but, eventually, you’re going back to work. You’ve been through some pretty gnarly stuff and you’ll be an incredible asset wherever you land. There are, however, some habits you may have picked up during your time in uniform that will not translate into the civilian workforce. Some of it is because, yes, “snowflakes” abound, but some of it just doesn’t quite fit in your new world.

Below are seven things you should never do at your new, post-service job.

Related: 7 of the top surprises veterans face going to school

1. Eat that leftover food in the fridge

Depending on what you did in service, this may not be a thing for you. If you were a shift worker, however, you know that leaving things in the fridge (marked or not) is a roll of the dice.

The bigger the fridge, the lower your odds. I, personally, hated that, but it is definitely a thing. Your new job likely won’t care that you thought Etta Mae’s meatloaf smelled too delicious to pass up.

Also, people do this kind of stuff:

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
No doubt in my mind, the response was written by the other veteran in the office. (Image via Reddit).

 

2. Be sarcastic

Yes, sarcasm is a tool. It is the release of the slow-burning rage that builds within the often misunderstood. It’s also a great way to be viewed as an asshole at your new gig.

Sure, in the military, when you’re outranked by someone much younger than you, you’re instinctually trained to react sarcastically. In the civilian world, that same kind of disconnect can be jarring for the already-adjusting veteran. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but even if your manager looks like a pimple-nosed teen, keep that sarcasm pent up.

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Pictured: Veteran’s involuntary response when asked if they’ve ever shot a gun (Image from Hemdale Film Corporation’s Vampire’s Kiss).

3. Respond with aggression… to anything

Aggression is a great thing to have in a lot of military settings. Being aggressive and swift to act is what’s expected from pretty much the whole military.

At your new job? Not so much.

Sure, aggression is still useful and can get you through a lot of doors, but it can also rub a lot of people the wrong way. Try to dial it back a few levels whenever possible — and call it, ‘assertiveness.’

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
This is not the correct way to deal with the office dumb*ss. (Image from Universal Pictures’ Wanted).

4. Begin any email with, “per my last email”

We all know that whatever follows is intended to politely tell the recipient to go f*ck or unf*ck themselves. That’s probably not going to go over very well here.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
This is just the beginning of a line of pettiness that you should avoid. (Image by Reddit).

 

5. Initiate a “smoke session”

In the civilian world, this is literally abuse. It isn’t only a fireable offense, but depending on where you are and how they want to play it, you could end up having to talk to the other boys in blue. You’re definitely going to have a find a new way to motivate whatever subordinates you have.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
These days are definitely in your rearview mirror. (Image via Rally Point).

 

6. Tell any jokes you heard while serving

They just won’t get it. At all. They’ll laugh, uncomfortably, and then you’ll slowly stop receiving invites for post-work drinks from everyone but that other veteran in the office.

He’s more f*cked up than you.

Also read: 7 military things that somehow get you fired in the civilian world

 

7. Talk about the times you almost died

You don’t realize it, but you’ve got the 1000-yard stare going so hard when you try to paint the picture of your near-death experiences. It freaks the civilians out.

Save it for group — or drinks with that other veteran after a long day at your new job.

 

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
We all have, Jack. (Image from Cartoon Networks’ Samurai Jack).

Articles

17 images that show why going to the armory sucks

Checking out your weapon from the armory can be like standing in line at the DMV — it’s the worst game of hurry up and wait ever.


You were instructed to show up bright and early to check out your weapon, but the armorers never seemed to be there on time.

But once you received your rifle, life seemed to finally make sense now that you get to shoot something up. After an amazing day at the range, you now have the problem of cleaning the rifle so well the Marines working at the armory will take it back on your first pass.

If not you’ll stay and clean all evening long because the armors usually stand a 24-hour duty.

Related: 33 images that perfectly portray your first 96-hour liberty

So check out how your day typically went after you checked out your rifle from the armory.

1. When you’re told to be on time at the armory but the gate is locked.

Where are they? (Images via Giphy)

2. After 20 minutes of ringing the bell and a few Starbucks espresso shots — you finally gain entry.

Hulk wants in! (Images via Giphy)

3. When the armorer’s window finally opens for the first time after waiting what felt like an eternity.

That’s freakin’ bright. (Images via Giphy)

4. The look you give when the armorer when he asks you for the weapon’s serial number but all the caffeine you drank pulled all the blood out of your brain. Good thing you brought your weapons card with you.

Damn, I’m having a brain fart. (Images via Giphy)

5. Then when you get your beautiful and perfectly oiled rifle from the armor.

It feels like f*cking Christmas. (Images via Giphy)

6. How you felt running to the range to take your stress out on a few already destroyed armored vehicles.

Move! Out of my way! (Image via Giphy)

7. How you felt after putting hundreds of rounds accurately down range.

I’m the strongest man alive! (Images via Giphy)

8. After the adrenaline goes away, you realized it’s already 1700, you still need to clean out all the carbon that’s built up, and you have a date in a few hours.

Where did the time go? (Images via Giphy)

9. This is how fast you ran back to the armory.

Move! (Images via Giphy)

10. You scrubbed your weapon in record time.

That looks good enough. (Images via Giphy)

11. But the armorer used his dirty finger and rejected taking the rifle back into storage.

That’s not the finger we were talking about but okay. (Images via Giphy)

12. Then you yelled …

We feel you. (Images via Giphy)

13. You then began angrily scrubbing your rifle.

F*ck you carbon! (Images via Giphy)

14. Then you noticed the other platoons going home for the day and you’re still stuck here.

Farewell. (Images via Giphy)

15. After your arm gets tired, the perfect idea pops into your head.

I got it! (Images via Giphy)

16. When you walk up to the armorer’s window and you clearly put $10 inside the weapon’s ejection port.

We think she’s trying to drop a hint. (Images via Giphy)

17. It worked!

I’m free. (Image via Giphy)

Humor

5 crazy Hollywood hazing scenes that probably happened

Nothing excites film audiences more than seeing their favorite characters get pushed to the brink of their physical and mental limits, just to see them return stronger than ever.


It’s no secret that in the military “newbies,” “FNGs,” or “boots” tend to be treated unfairly because of their low rank and inexperience. It happens more than you think. Some call it “playing games,” while others label it as “hazing.”

Some still consider hazing a necessary evil in training as it allows service members a way to earn the respect of their brothers. Typically, this is earned during drinking games (not passing out), or being the PT stud (not falling out) — rarely does it consist of violent acts these days.

But once Hollywood got wind of the concept, they decided to use it as a tool to dehumanize the military genre.

Related: 5 military myths that Hollywood has taught us to believe are true

1. Choke yourself

Stanley Kubrick was a fan of showing as much mental and physical torment as he could possibly pack into 1987’s “Full Metal Jacket.” It’s been said several times that this film was as true to life for Marine boot camp as it got. So you can bet that there has been a recruit or two that has been in a Marine drill instructor deadly grasp.

Poor Pvt. Pyle (WB/Giphy images)

2. Branding

Bodily marking is a traditional way of documenting one’s life journey. Today tattoos are the fan favorite, but sometimes you just don’t have enough ink.

In 2005’s Sam Mendes directed “Jarhead,” Jake Gyllenhaal plays Marine sniper Anthony Swofford who gets a surprise greeting from his fellow brother-in-arms.

F*ck-f*ck games at their best (Uni/Giphy images)

3. Blanket party

Everyone likes to attend a good party in someone else’s honor. Hazing has been attributed to a way of teaching a sh*tbag a valuable lesson the hard way. In the military, when one person screws up, everyone screws up.

Hopefully, you’re not the one sleeping during the party (WB/Giphy images)

4. Code red

We don’t condone waking up anyone in the middle of the night by beating them, but that isn’t to say it hasn’t happened before.

Makes you want to sleep with one eye open (Columbia/Giphy images)

 Also read: 5 epic military movie mistakes

5. Hanging in a closet

In 2004’s “Stateside,” Jonathan Tucker plays Mark Deloach, a teen who goes to the Marines just to get the sh*t hazed out of him by his drill instructor played by Val Kilmer.

The bird really was the word (IDP/Giphy images)Can you think of any others? Be sure to comment and let us know.

Humor

4 types of recruiters you’ll meet at the mall

Recruiters are well-practiced in convincing young adults that military service is the best option to propel them into a happy, successful future. We’ve all seen the recruiting posters that show off a mighty lookin’ Marine or a tough soldier and we’ve all seen the highly polished ads on TV, but nothing beats the personal touch of a skilled recruiter.

Some recruiters will travel miles to find young prospects and get them interested in military service. However, there’s one place where you’ll find almost always youngsters in nearly any town — the freakin’ mall.

Shopping malls are the ultimate grounds for recruiters to swoop in and scoop up their next contract. Every recruiter is different, but we’re willing to bet that if you enlisted at a mall, you ran into one of these four archetypes:


6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

That’s right, you better stand at modified parade rest.

(Photo by Andrea Stone)

The one who expects you to have some military bearing

Some recruiters are laid back, but others take a more aggressive approach and instruct potential recruits on the proper way to speak as an active service member.

You might think that being stern and strict would turn the younger crowd away, but, to our surprise, that rigid military bearing is exactly what some want.

He’s good at his

The one who is good with parents

Joining the military is a big decision. The fact is that many youngsters aren’t accustomed to making such important choices.

A smart recruiter knows that nothing is more reassuring than a parent’s good word. So, you’ll likely find a recruiter whose best work is done schmoozing with mom and dad.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

If you join today, you might get to drive a government car, just like me.

The parking lot patroller

Mall recruiters aren’t just on the hunt for window shoppers. Nope! They’re out searching for you before you even step foot inside the shopping center. They pretend like they’ve met you before to strike up a conversation. It’s all a tactic to get you into their office.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Sure you could join the Air Force, but you won’t look as cool in their uniform.

The reverse psychologist

Recruiters are up against monthly quotas. In order to make their numbers, they need to use every tool in their kit. This means finding a way to beat out the other branches in the event that two are scoping the same potential recruit. Some recruiters will use reverse psychology on you, making sly like, “you probably couldn’t handle the Marines anyway.”

Some will see right through it, but others feel compelled to prove people wrong.

Humor

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of March 9th

This week was a good week for memes. And by “a good week,” I mean I’ve seen more than 1,000 variations of the same SpongeBob meme.


Don’t worry, everybody, we’ll try not to use one… No promises.

13. We all know that one platoon sergeant that just loves watching their Joes complain.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
…or every platoon sergeant ever. (Meme via Army as F*ck)

12. Don’t worry, Airmen. We all totally believe that it was hard for you to get through Basic Military Training.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
For Marines, that’s normal. (Meme via Air Force Nation)

11. “Cellphone training” is actually just teaching young boots what they’ll be doing for 95% of their time as a Lance Corporal.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Totally. (Meme via Navy Memes)

10. Remember, that blue disk means free hugs are available.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Why else would it be baby blue? (Meme via Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Says)

9. Everything sounds more impressive if you use the proper nomenclature instead of explaining what it is.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Not to kill the joke, but it’s the radio antenna…  (Meme via Do You Even Comm, Bro?)

8. Why would someone who’s spent their entire adult life in the military lie about what it’s like in the real world?

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
It’s a retention conspiracy. Stay woke. (Meme via Decelerate Your Life)

7. Plot twist: Submariners have been repainting it every month.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
(Meme via Decelerate Your Life)

6. Troops walk into the retention office with Christmas lists and walk out with, “Sure! I’ll just take Korea and a $20 cup.”

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
100 years of Rick and Morty memes! (Meme via Military Memes)

5. What it feels like being an RTO and you prove the drop test works.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
WOOOOOOOO!!!!! (Meme via Private News Network)

4. There are only three types on-post: the married, the coworkers, and the daughter of someone who outranks you. All three are trouble.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Just drive thirty minutes away to somewhere chicks actually dig the uniform. (Meme via Pop Smoke)

3. If you think about it, cats are perfect troops. They attack their enemies on sight, they don’t need attention, and they’re adept at sh*tting in holes.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
10/10. Would give cat treats. (Meme via Pop Smoke)

2. I would have thought they just sent them to 7th Fleet…

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
But that’s none of my concern… *sips tea* (Comic via Scuttlebutt)

1. It’s funny because of all the meanings.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
‘Wasted’ as in drunk, right, censors? (Meme via Sh*t My LPO Says)

*Bonus* I lied!

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
The meme is too damn dank not to use… (Meme via Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Says)

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of Dec. 30

Yes, 2016 was horrible. Luckily, there are these 13 funny military memes to help you transition to the new year.


1. Chief doesn’t care about your skulls (via Maintainer Humor).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Actually, he probably does. Just not your feelings.

2. If you wanted to go home, you should have volunteered more during the year (via Air Force Memes Humor).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Now, you’re on the watch list for New Year’s Eve.

ALSO SEE: US Air Force pilots donned Santa hats during Christmas Day airstrike on ISIS

3. This is why troops go through the soldier readiness center (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Actually, his men were brought down by lice.

4. “How can we make sure people know to leave the door closed?”

(via Sh-t my LPO says)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

5. “First question: Can I opt out?”

(via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

6. Ugh. don’t remind me (via The Salty Soldier).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
But hey, only three more Christmas block leaves until ETS.

7. They only care if they’re liable (via Sh-t my LPO says).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Once you’re gone, you’re gone.

8. The M88 can fix whatever you did wrong (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Well, it can pull your mistakes out of the desert anyway.

9. Why not both?

(via Shit my LPO says)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Just make sure to do plenty of stuff both right and wrong, so they have lots of learning opportunities.

10. If Santa keeps groping the dude’s shoulders like that, he might need the penicillin (via Military World).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

11. At least he’s got that Air Force mustache (via Maintainer Humor).

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Hey, it’s an important Air Force tradition.

12. When your sidearm weighs 40 pounds and has an anger problem:

(via Military World)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
The left dog looks super bored with the whole procedure. “He never lets me fire the rifle.”

13. Jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, but chemtrail boxes might (via Maintainer Humor)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Knowing our luck, they would make the paratroops sit on the boxes, even when they leak.

Special bonus meme 1:

(via U.S Army W.T.F! moments)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Special bonus meme 2:

(via The Salty Soldier)

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck

Humor

The Navy used the ‘Friday Funnies’ to make the Navy safer

Those who serve in the military always face a certain amount of risk. From the outside, many people think that combat with the enemy is the only danger, but troops face all sorts of peril and uncertainty, both at war and in peacetime training missions. For example, a recent, tragic accident hit the news when a Navy flight surgeon was struck and killed while on-base at Camp Pendleton.


Fatalities like these make headlines, but there are many smaller accidents that happen within the military, too — some of which are preventable with just a little thought. For a while, the Navy Safety Center used humor to drive home the need to think things through while on duty, while off duty, or even while in one’s own kitchen. Every week, from 1992 until the retirement of Derek Nelson in 2015, the Navy Safety Center sent out a brief message to the fleet every Friday.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Sailors assigned to amphibious transport dock ship USS Somerset (LPD 25) respond to an accident scene on the flight deck during an aircraft firefighting drill simulation. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Vladimir Ramos)

“Some people think safety is serious business, and of course it is. People get maimed, blinded, and killed, but in terms of getting the message out, humor has a real role to play,” Nelson said in a 2007 Navy release. The Navy began to call these weekly messages, the “Friday Funnies.”

In one release, Nelson highlighted the folly of taking shortcuts. The release told the cautionary tale of two Marine sergeants who tried to take a shortcut to get some training and ended up flipping the vehicle they were in. Thanks to seatbelts and airbags, they walked away with just scratches and bruises. Another release mentioned how an Army “man overboard” drill using a real Soldier lead to the need to call in a Navy P-3 for assistance — the Soldier was found three hours later.

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Seaman Max Norum, a corpsman with Headquarters and Support Company, 1st Supply Battalion, treats Sgt. Brandon Jackson for injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident aboard Camp Pendleton, Calif. (USMC photo)

Sometimes, however, the releases were not so funny. One from May 2008 discussed the death of a Navy petty officer first class in a street luge accident that occurred while he was on leave. In this case, Nelson looked over the deceased sailor’s MySpace page and noted that twice the sailor had posted about “injuries that may have warranted a WESS injury report or at least counseling from his supervisor.”

It’s been two years since Nelson’s retirement and the last of the “Friday Funnies.” Even then, Nelson noted that the “juicy” tales had grown scarcer, writing in his retirement message that “it has been getting harder to find them in the mishap reports. I’ll chalk this fact up as progress, and I’ll be gone before anyone can prove different.”

6 reasons why a military-issued giant robot would actually suck
Sailors assigned to Helicopter Sea Combat Squadron (HSC) 3 stand in formation to signify that HSC-3 has reached 250,000 consecutive flight hours without a Class A mishap. A Class A mishap is classified as an accident with a destroyed aircraft, damages that exceed $2 million, a loss of life or a permanent total disability. (U.S. Navy photo illustration by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Amanda Huntoon)

The Friday Funnies were effective for over 23 years, though. Nelson said in 2007, “I get emails from people saying they almost did something stupid but stopped at the last minute because they didn’t want to end up in the Friday Funnies.” The best incidents were preserved in a magazine – no word on when the full archives will be available online.

In the meantime, Nelson describes how he made the magic happen in this 2011 video.

 

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