Platoon sergeants have a special talent for humor, almost as if they teach it at Infantry Unit Leaders Course. Deadpool has mastered the art like it’s his job.
2. Deadpool isn’t the “aye, sir” type
Deadpool bows to no one. Like any good platoon sergeant, if he disagrees with a higher-up, he says something about it — which means he would always fight for his guys.
The lower enlisted members of the platoon love platoon sergeants who are willing to fight on their behalf at the company office.
3. He’s always willing to joke around
Deadpool earned the title, “Merc with a mouth” by always finding the time to crack wise, using the previously-mentioned, professional-level sarcasm. This is a quality shared by the best platoon sergeants and adored by the lower enlisted members of their platoons.
4. He has no filter
When explaining to a higher-up that he disagrees with something, you know Deadpool won’t veil his point in metaphor — he’s going to be blunt and honest. And he’ll probably be absolutely hilarious in the process.
On Nov. 1, the CIA released a trove of files that former Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden had on his computer at the time of his death, and among them are children’s programs like “Tom and Jerry,” crocheting instructions, and the 2007 viral YouTube video “Charlie Bit My Finger.”
Although the majority of the documents, videos, images, and audio clips released by the CIA are related to bin Laden’s terror operations, some of the files are of a more benign nature. “Charlie Bit My Finger” appears under the file name “Tootin__Bathtub_Baby_Cousins.flv,” alongside numerous clips of the cartoon “Tom and Jerry” and Jackie Chan films. There are also instructions for crocheting butterflies, socks, and baskets.
The presence of so much children’s content can be explained by the fact that bin Laden was living with his family in the secret compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, where he was killed by US Navy Seal Team 6 in May 2011. Some of the videos in the files released by the CIA — like songs designed for children learning English — raise the possibility that bin Laden was schooling his children from the compound while he was in hiding.
Notably, the CIA decided not to release bin Laden’s large pornography stash in the Nov. 1 file dump.
We’ve all seen Marine officer recruiting videos either on TV, on our mobile devices, or posted on a billboard next to the highway. For many, the video’s imagery, music, and testimonials cause young minds to consider joining the Corps — for one reason or another.
The video states what you’re going to learn and what awesome prospects lay ahead. Those who attend and complete the training can move on and serve in the Marine Infantry if that’s the path the individual has set for himself.
But what the training book doesn’t teach you is the role outside of the technical. Life in the Marines as an officer is a proud one, but it’s also stressful.
We sat down with our resident Marine infantry officer Chase Millsap and discussed what you should know before taking on the vital leadership role.
1. Your primary weapon is the field radio
It’s your job as a leader to organize your Marines while taking contact. Knowing how to use your radio to instruct your Marines and coordinate supporting arms is paramount.
Not that type of radio Jean-Claude. (Image via Giphy)
2. You will always eat last
In the Marines, enlisted Leathernecks get to eat their chow before anyone else, which means officers are always at the end of the line.
It’s tradition. (Images via Giphy)
3. You will almost always be the least experienced person starting day one
Everyone has to start out somewhere (unless you’re prior enlisted). Listen and learn as quickly as you can.
No doubt you’ll be motivated the first day though. (Images via Giphy)
4. Physical fitness isn’t optional
The minimum PT score is 300 — just saying. And you’d better never, ever let that squad leader beat you on a unit run.
None of those count, sir. (Images via Giphy)
5. Pony up the big bucks to take care of your grunts
We’re not suggesting you buy everyone in your platoon houses — that’s crazy talk. We mean forking out cash for cigarettes, rip its and dip. It will boost your unit’s morale.
Goodbye hard earned cash. (Images via Giphy)
6. You don’t have to be nice.
But you do need to be fair.
That’s hilarious but it’s so mean. (Images via Giphy)
7. You better know why you’re giving those orders
Having the power to give a Marine an order is a big deal. So you need to be sure that it’s well thought out ahead of time.
General James “Mad Dog” Mattis is known for many things, including outstanding leadership, delivering motivational quotes and demonstrating perfectly executed knife hands.
Mattis entered in the Marine Corps in 1969 and attended Central Washington University as part of the ROTC program.
Working his way up the ranks, Mattis oversaw a Marine recruiting station in Portland, led the historic 1st Marine Division into Iraq in 2003, held the position of commander of the United States Central Command since 2010, and served under the Trump administration as the 26th Secretary of Defense until 2019.
Having served nearly his entire 41-year military journey in a position of leadership, he’s had to answer all sorts of tough questions.
Check out the Marine Corps‘ video as the legend himself answers the most important question of his career. What’s the kill radius of his knife-hand?
Trained snipers are some of the most dangerous warfighters ever to hit the battlefield. The history books have been inked with the legends of the most talented, deadliest snipers. Their methodical, near-surgical approach is the stuff of nightmares for the enemy and many live in constant fear of being placed in their crosshairs.
Snipers will lay still for hours as they stalk their target, waiting for that perfect shot. When you look through a scope for hours at a time, it’s hard not to entertain your brain by coming up with some dark humor. So, we’re here to show the world the humorous side of snipers.
Every day, Hospital Corpsman encounter challenges and surprises they just can’t predict. Whether they’re stationed with the Marines, working sick call in a hospital, or sitting behind a desk handling necessary paperwork — it can get hard out there for a Doc.
But one thing that never changes is their comedic outlook and perspective on how they see the world around them.
One of the most uncomfortable things for everyone involved is a urinalysis. Unfortunately, it’s an integral part of how the military tracks the health and welfare of its troops and ensures that no illicit substances damage unit integrity.
Take it from us, the only way to make peeing in a cup while your NCO watches less uncomfortable for you is to actively make them more uncomfortable. Now, this shouldn’t be too hard because nobody wants to be there in the first place, but we’ve got some pro-tips for you.
Some advice, though: If you’re a guy, don’t make size jokes. You’re just setting yourself for a slam like the one in Jarhead.
This one only works if you have time to prepare.
Eat nothing but beets and asparagus
Fun fact: Eating a bunch of beets turns your pee a bright red color. You’ll probably fool someone into thinking you’ve got medical issues with this trick. Also, asparagus makes your piss smell nasty and unpleasant if you’re looking to make things that much worse.
If you know a urinalysis test in in your future, like after block leave, try it.
Ask for some soothing music
Seriously, the observer doesn’t have any desire to be there either, so they’ll do whatever is necessary to speed up the process. Usually, they’ll turn on a faucet to help get you going. Soothing music wouldn’t seem like an unreasonable request.
That’s when you say, “now I’m in the mood! Let’s do this!”
If they aren’t paying attention, mess with them.
The observer’s job is to ensure that the urine leaves the body. If they’re giving you privacy, they’re doing it wrong.
Keep them on their toes and say, “You wanted a stool sample, right?” Or the classic, “I can’t do this without any magazines…”
Don’t break eye contact
A steady stream of eye contact is sure to make everyone involved very uncomfortable.
Get butt-naked to pee
Technically, the observer is supposed to make sure you’re not using a prosthetic. Yep, that’s right, because that’s a thing that dumb-f*cks have tried to get away with.
So, be extra helpful and make sure there’s no possibility that you’re using a fake by stripping all the way down.
“Stumble” while holding the filled cup in your hand
Just because you’ve finished the act doesn’t mean you have to stop messing with others.
If you pretend like you’re about to trip, everyone’s eyes will jolt open out of fear. You should be clumsier than infomercial people.
It’s a holiday that dates back hundreds of years. As France switched to the modern Gregorian calendar in 1563, not everyone got the memo. Those who didn’t change systems in a timely manner celebrated the New Year, as they didn’t know it’d been changed to January 1. These people were called “April fools,” who were often marked with placing a paper fish on their back. This symbolized “an easily caught fish” and were also called “April fish.” The former stuck and turned into an entire day for pranks and jokes.
At least, that’s how one set of historical records tell us about the holiday’s past.
Love or hate this controversial holiday, it’s happening all-the-same. Be sure to put your thinking cap on before leaving the house this upcoming Wednesday and question all who cross your path. Or better yet, just work from home if at all possible.
In the meantime, here are some of our favorite April Fools memes:
First off, get the date straight
Keep your game face on all day long.
2. Or better yet, this face
We’ll call this “skeptical face.”
3. And this line of thinking
Even logical statements are not to be trusted.
4. Have pity for those whose jokes just don’t land
Bless their hearts.
5. Mean jokes are the worst
But that won’t stop anyone from thinking they are funny.
6. And good luck to those joke haters out there
Just smile and nod.
7. Remember it’s also a real day with real celebrations
8. Don’t forget to laugh at yourself
Hopefully others are laughing with you, not at you.
Heading to supply, also known as Central Issue Facility, is one of the worst experiences troops go through during their career.
It’s a lot like riding a bad rollercoaster ride of emotions — all while getting treated like sh*t. Since most service members can’t do their jobs without the proper gear to support their mission, they must go to supply to get those necessary materials.
There are countless stories out there about the hell many of us endure during a visit to supply — most of which aren’t positive.
Check out the six things every boot should know before heading to supply
6. The gear won’t be as clean or new as you’d expect
When you show up, a civilian worker will quickly maneuver you around the massive aisles while tossing various items into your cart. Typically, you don’t know the names of all the stuff that gets thrown in, but just know that somebody before you probably drank out of that canteen or slept in your woobie.
It almost feels like wearing used underwear.
5. It’s going to take a long time
Supply is a busy place, which makes sense considering that all troops need support. So, once you show up there, don’t expect them to be waiting for you with a red carpet rolled out.
4. You’ll feel like you’re back in boot camp all over again
You’re going to be treated like sh*t. The workers at supply want to get you in and out as fast as possible. The first time you have a brain fart — as you did in boot camp — standby for them to start treating you like the boot you are to get you out faster.
We’ve seen staff NCOs get spoken to as if it were their first day on the job.
3. They run on civilian time
Many supply and CIF offices open a little past their scheduled hours and they’ll often cut off services just shy of when they’re supposed to close to ensure they get home on time.
You’re not supposed to close for another fifteen minutes! (Image via GIPHY)
2. Keep your all paperwork/receipts
Guess what? The supply office usually keeps pretty good records of everything that goes out since they barcode the majority of their inventory. If their paperwork says you received a piece of gear, but you claim that’s not true, you better have the hard evidence to back it up.
Unless you can prove it via your paperwork, you’re liable for everything.
Supply gives out this gear temporarily. Once your mission is over, you’ll need it return it in nearly the same condition as you received it. If you don’t, you’re looking at having to replace the item or paying for it out of pocket.
It’s more than a Grunt Style t-shirt, those awful Oakleys, or an American flag ball cap — you know, the one with the IR patch on the front? People don’t need to hear you ask if there’s a veteran’s discount or relate everything back to how your old unit did things.
People can tell you were in the military — just by looking at you.
8. The way you stand.
Some call it “command presence” while others call it “closed body language.” No matter what you call it, you stand there with your arms crossed, feet planted beneath your shoulders, and shoulders slightly hunched – you’re in a power stance: a military power stance. How better to show someone you’re frosty, collected, and listening to them than looking like you’re leaning on a pole without actually doing it.
You may have started the conversation with his hands on his hips, thumbs through belt loops.
“Your party called ahead. What now, POG?”
7. You are always 15 minutes early to everything.
People will figure out that if you aren’t 15 minutes early, you consider yourself late. Especially since you’ll call them to let them know… meanwhile, they haven’t even left their house yet.
For civilians, this works out because you’ll always be at a restaurant to put the group on the waiting list for a table. They will use this to their full advantage.
When you find out Yogurtland has froyo in Sea Salt Caramel.
6. You move fast.
It doesn’t matter if you actually have to be anywhere at a certain time, you move with a sense of urgency, a sense of purpose. You know that Pinkberry will still be there no matter when you arrive, but you still approach the cinnamon churro froyo like T-1000 chasing John Connor.
5. Your haircut.
This is a dead giveaway. Why would anyone on Earth willingly subject their head to the high and tight (or worse, the flattop) unless they were forced to keep it that way at some point? I’m pretty sure the coiffure equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome takes hold in TAPS class.
Like standing at parade rest for pizza.
4. You stand at parade rest for bizarre reasons.
Ever catch yourself staring out into the distance, perhaps over a lake at sunset, only to have an older guy tell you to “stop standing at parade rest for the goddamned lake, boot.” It’s a sign of respect for those above you and, after spending so long as an E-3, just a comfortable position to put yourself in.
Stand like you’re wearing a cavalry hat while meeting a foreign head of state.
3. Your ramrod-straight posture.
You stand tall. We all do. That’s not going to stop just because we stopped wearing a uniform.
It’s like they drilled it into you or something.
2. You walk with coordinated arm swings.
Have you ever noticed yourself walking down the street with your right arm perfectly in sync with your left leg and vice versa? That’s not an accident. You had all those military marches and facing movements drilled into you. They’re going to hang around for a while.
1. You eat so fast, people wonder if you ever taste food.
Appetizers, dinners, desserts — all gone in the blink of an eye. Wouldn’t it be great if you could slow down and enjoy the flavors of life? Well, you can’t. This is because you’re probably worried that, if you do, your stripper ex-wife will take that, too.
Not all deployments are created equal. Some troops primarily work at a desk performing critical operational tasks, while others are out and about undertaking various missions in the bush. Regardless, both schedules usually consist of long hours and a heavy workload which can run anybody down.
No matter the nature of the mission, staying in the fight and being alert is the key for any personnel deployed.
So if you’re worried about falling asleep when you need to be at your best, check out these simple tricks of the trade to stay awake whole on deployment.
1. Bangin energy drinks
May seem obvious to the average population that drinking a Redbull or pounding a Monster will get their minds firing on all cylinders. But in most cases, deployed troops just don’t sip a single energy drink — they take it to a whole new level by chugging multiple cans of the all mighty Rip-it.
One ration the military never seems to ever run off of is coffee.
When you’re occupying a patrol base or sitting in a fighting hole, coffee machines will be scarce. So instead of filtering water through the grounds, pack a solid pinch of instant coffee from the ole handy dandy MREs into your lip. It tastes like sh*t, but it can help you keep shuteye at bay.
3. “Spicy eyes”
This doesn’t refer to “the look” that civilian reporter who came by the FOB to interview the colonel gave everyone. It means sprinkling a small amount of Tabasco sauce onto your finger and rubbing the contents under your eyes. Spicy!
If it burns a little and wakes you back up, you’re doing it right.
There’s nothing worse than drifting off while on post.
In fact, if you get caught sleeping, that’s a crucial offense. The human body has a natural way of rejuvenating itself by excreting adrenaline into the blood stream. You can accomplish this by pinching yourself, or if that doesn’t work, delivering a light love tap across your cheek.
It might seem a bit extreme, but it could also save your life and the lives of your comrades.
Can you think of any others? Comment below.
Feature image: U.S. Air Force Photo/Airman 1st Class Charles Dickens