After 16 years of side-eyeing the spouse club life, I never thought I’d be the one hosting potlucks and learning ball dress etiquette. But here we are.
I Spent Years Avoiding the “Army Wife” Label
Let’s be honest: For most of my husband’s military career, I kept my distance from the typical Army spouse scene. FRGs? Hard pass. Coffee socials? Nope. I had my own career, my own friends, and honestly, I didn’t want to be lumped into the stereotypes I saw floating around military circles. You know the ones: the drama, the cliques, the Facebook threads that turn into war zones.
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But what I didn’t realize was how much I was missing.
It Took a PCS to Fort Leavenworth to Break My Own Rules
When my husband was promoted to Major and we moved to Fort Leavenworth, something shifted. Maybe it was maturity. Maybe it was the exhaustion of starting over again for the tenth time. Maybe it was the loneliness of being somewhere new with no one to call.
I joined a volunteer group that supported military families, and for the first time, I stopped bracing myself for the drama. Instead, I met women who weren’t about the stereotypes at all. They were smart, funny, driven, and supportive. They talked real talk and offered help before I even asked.
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Turns out, when you stop assuming the worst, you leave room for the best. I’ve embraced daytime social events and etiquette classes that teach you there is a rule to the ratio of how much skin to show at awkwardly formal events. I even learned that there is a real handbook for spouses. Am I interested in reading it? No, but it did spark a little curiosity, so I did some research
I’m learning about things I never cared about before—like how early you’re supposed to arrive for a military event or how to introduce myself without just saying, “I’m just the wife.”
From Fort Leavenworth to Korea: A Whole New Outlook
Now we’re stationed overseas, and I’m not turning my nose up at spouse life anymore. I’m leaning in.
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I’ve even found a new friend who is active duty and dual-military. That may not sound like a big deal, but it is for me. The last female soldier I called “friend” turned out to be more interested in a relationship with my husband than with me — but that’s a story for another day. Needless to say, trusting females and making new friends is definitely not my thing, so this is a new era for me.
Me? Friends with someone in the Army? I would never… until now. That last almost-friendship left me with a negative perception, and I was already rare in trusting women in general. And although I can attest that the military is not kind or easy on marriages, it’s hard to trust people when you’re constantly watching your back.
So this new friendship is one born from me being in a season where I am walking in grace and trusting God. So yes, I have a new friend. No, I won’t let my past experiences prejudice our friendship.
Being a Black Military Spouse Adds Another Layer
I’d be lying if I said my hesitation to engage wasn’t also about representation. Sometimes you show up and feel like the only Black woman in the room. Sometimes you are the only Black woman in the room. Add in the job search struggles that come with every PCS, and it’s easy to feel invisible.
But faith has anchored me in every duty station, and now I’m choosing to see this season differently. Maybe I’m not building a career right now, but I’m building community. Maybe I don’t know what’s next, but I know I don’t have to do it alone.
Sisterhood Is Real, If You Let It Be
Sixteen years ago, I never thought I’d be where I am right now! Today, I’m exchanging numbers, making new friends, and joining fellow spouses in exercise groups.
Do I still roll my eyes sometimes? Absolutely. But I also laugh harder, feel more seen, and know I have people who get it. And that makes this whole Army wife thing not just bearable, but beautiful.
To anyone who’s ever felt on the outside of this life: Maybe it’s not so bad inside. Maybe, just maybe, this version of sisterhood was what we needed all along.
