An airman tells you why the Coast Guard is the "smartest branch."
The Air Force has enough people from other branches making fun of it. Airmen don't need to be the subject of ridicule for things they don't deserve. The facts people can use to poke fun at the Air Force are so plentiful, why go through all that extra effort to make stuff up? Just because it seems like something the Air Force would do doesn't make it real.
The chocolate fountain inside a DFAC in Iraq? Yes, that existed. I can say I saw it with my own eyes. To be fair, there was one in the Army chow hall on Camp Victory, too, but I'll let the Air Force take the heat for it. Dining facilities with made-to-order omelets and a salad bar? The Air Force has that, too. And yes, it was not too long ago the Air Force did its annual PT test on a stationary bike.
The reasons to poke fun are plentiful.
There's no need perpetuate myths about airmen. Forget, for a moment, that Air Force "barracks" are nicer than most Holiday Inns (no, airmen do not get swimming pools... not at their living quarters, anyway) and help us debunk these continuously repeated myths that are both untrue or unjustly attributed to the Air Force.
1. The Stress Card Myth.
This has been debunked on We Are The Mighty before, but it's important enough to reiterate here. For anyone joining the military, no, you will not be issued a Basic Training "Stress Card" that allows you to take a "break" from training if your nerves get a little frayed. The Air Force is still very much a military branch and, while the Air Force might have the "easiest" time in Basic Military Training, you will still get yelled at, still do PT ad nauseam, and it will all be very stressful.
That's the point.
If anything, BMT is only getting more difficult as time goes on. Where it was once a six-and-a-half week course, it's now eight weeks. Now that airmen spend more time in joint-service operations — and thus become "battlefield airmen" — it's important that they be able to handle themselves under stress, which can often mean under fire.
Besides, it was the Navy who had the closest thing to a Stress Card.
How's that taste, shipmate?
2. The Air Force has no enlisted warfighters.
The Air Force's enlisted troops are mostly happy with rendering a sharp salute to our officers as they taxi out on their way to the wild blue yonder, the battlefield the Air Force controls with unrelenting hostility toward would-be interlopers both on the ground and in the air.
But there are many Air Force specialties that have nothing to do with simply letting others go into combat while waiting on the flight line. The Air Force's battlefield airmen aren't limited to conventional forces, like Security Forces Phoenix Ravens, the airmen who protect aircraft on the ground in a hostile environment. USAF Combat Controllers, TACPs, Weather Technicians, and Combat Rescue Officers will all deploy anywhere in the world with the best special operators from any branch. And when the sh*t hits the fan, you will be happy to know that Air Force Pararescue Jumpers are on their way to bail you out.
Fun Fact: When Air Force PJs go into action, their alarm is the Leeroy Jenkins battle cry.
Tech. Sgt. Zachary Rhyner medically retired in 2015 due to wounds sustained in combat that prevented mobility below the knee. Rhyner is an Air Force Cross recipient and Special Tactics combat controller attached to the 24th Special Operations Command. Rhyner served 11 years, earning three Purple Hearts in six deployments.
(U.S. Air Force)
3. We all fly planes.
This one is mainly for civilians. Anyone who's met the average junior enlisted airman will be happy to know that flying a plane, especially for the United States Air Force, is not something you can just sign up to do. As a matter of fact, it's incredibly difficult to get behind the stick of any Air Force aircraft anywhere.
That includes training aircraft.
The closest enlisted airmen will get to being in the cockpit's hotseat aboard a USAF aircraft is either in a simulator or stealing one off the flightline. And before you scoff at the last part, it happens a lot more than anyone might expect.
The closest any of these guys will get to the stick is flying a drone.
(U.S. Air Force)
4. The Air Force is the "smartest branch."
I hate to debunk this one because it saves me so much stress and hassle whenever a bunch of veterans are at the bar comparing the size of their brains based on branch of service. Eventually, someone pats the airman on the back and says, "Hey! At least you're the smartest branch!"
This myth transcends every branch and era. Inevitably, some Facebook commenter, veteran or civilian, will remark on how the Air Force is the smartest without actually reading this article and the myth will perpetuate itself. While the Air Force handles a lot of high-tech equipment and research laboratories, the people who handle that aren't taking the ASVAB. And if they were, they would probably ace it for any branch they were going into.
Sure, the Air Force works on satellites, the Navy works on nuclear reactors, the Army operates geospatial imaging systems, and the Marines have to at least know enough to pick up Air Force women at the bar. The actual branch that is the most difficult to get into is – wait for it – the Coast Guard.
(Laughs in Coast Guard)
The military divides enlisted candidates into three tiers, with the top tier being those with a high school diploma and tier two being recruits with a GED. The Air Force recruits 99 percent tier one candidates, but the Coast Guard won't even look at anything other than tier one unless they've been in the military before. If you prefer to judge by using minimum ASVAB score, the lowest the Air Force will go is 36, while the Coast Guard's minimum is a solid 40.
The Coast Guard is also the smallest branch of the military, but has no trouble recruiting new Coasties. This means they'd rather send you down the street to the Army than let a substandard Coast Guardsman slip through the cracks. Meanwhile, in the Air Force, they say, "there's a waiver for everything."
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