6 reasons the Air Force wants to get its hands on Russian DNA

On Jul. 19, 2017, the Air Force posted a request on FedBizOpps, the U.S. government’s contracting opportunities site, looking for price quotes on how much it would cost to acquire 12 each fresh frozen normal human Synovial tissue and Ribonucleic Acid (RNA) samples.

air force wants Russian blood

Let me google that for you.

The samples must be free of sexually transmitted diseases and musculoskeletal injuries. The most interesting part was the requirement that all the samples be from Russia and be Caucasian – Ukrainian blood, RNA, and tissue samples will not be accepted. This recently raised a few eyebrows in Russia.

Air Force wants russian blood

Two in particular.

The Air Force says it’s for trauma research. But Putin’s theory is that the U.S. is developing a biogenetic weapon that only works on Russian people, a weapon would use the unique genetic code of an ethnic Russian to inflict pain and physical damage.

No weapon like this has ever proved to actually exist. So what could the Air Force actually want?

1. They want to solve the Anastasia Romanov mystery.

You know what I mean. If you’re anywhere near the age of 30, chances are good you’ve heard the story of the last Tsar of Russia’s “missing” daughter, Anastasia.

air force wants russian blood

And you heard it in his voice. Oh god, why is he at a carousel?? WHY?!

It’s a well-known fact that the Tsar’s Russian Imperial family was murdered by Communists, gunned down, bayoneted, and clubbed in a basement somewhere near Yekaterinburg. Somehow, the story goes, the 17-year-old Duchess survived, escaped, and fled to America. In the intervening years, many women have come forward, claiming to be the lost Anastasia Romanov.

Air Force wants Russian Blood

Anastasia at the time of her death (left) and what she might look like today, almost 100 years later (right).

It might be time for the Air Force to settle the mystery once and for all. And maybe find a real claim to the throne. Who loves America.

2. Better digestion.

Have you eaten an MRE lately? Are you still waiting for it to digest? I ate a chicken tetrazzini MRE in 2006 and I’m still upset about it. But do you know who seems like they can digest anything? Russians. Especially Russian soldiers. Look at what they get served in their DFACs.

Air Force wants Russian blood

Just add two pieces of lettuce and a slice of white bread I’m back in the tent city.

Yet, the Russian Army still runs on its galvanized steel stomach. Maybe in basic training they’ll stop putting salt peter in the gatorade and switch to hearty Russian gut bacteria.

Also Read: 4 Myths with military roots >

3. To see how well it make the grass grow.

If you’ve ever spent a day in the U.S. military, you probably know what makes the grass grow. Maybe Russian blood can help the cabbage grow, too.

air force wants russian blood

GUYS. They love this sh*t.

4. Whatever is happening here.

Seriously, who is this woman from the meme? Is she really Russian? And what purpose will tossing tree trunks serve? Are we planning to invade Scotland and fight on their terms?

Air Force wants russian DNA

“I’m looking for William Wallace.”

5. Seriously, a biological weapon.

It would help immensely to be able to expel ethnic Russians from Ukraine without killing Ukrainians. Or anyone else for that matter. Imagine a war where only the enemy dies.

Air Force wants russian DNA

(Laughs in Mongol)

Except the Russian Army is as genetically diverse as the American Army. Many countries in the former Soviet Union are still very friendly to Russia and fiercely pro-Russian. Non-Russians have joined its military since the days of the Soviet Union.

6. No, really. Trauma research.

Human synovial tissue is an incredibly specific request, judging by my time researching medical things and then asking my pathologist ex-girlfriend what those big words mean.

air force wants Russian DNA

Still looks like sushi, Dr. A.

Although the Russian request is tricky to explain, given that you can buy the tissue online now.

But the Air Force says, “the supplier originally provided samples from Russia, suitable for the initial group of diseases, the control group of the samples should also be of Russian origin. The goal is the integrity of the study, not the origin (of the samples).”

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