Articles

11 things that are only funny to submariners

We asked the sailors of the Submarine Bubblehead Brotherhood, a Facebook group for U.S. Navy submariners, what some of their funniest experiences were while underway and got over 230 funny comments. Here are 11 of the best replies:


*Note: identities kept anonymous per group's request.

1. The shoe polish prank.

HappyHaptics, YouTube

The best items for this prank are binoculars, periscopes and sound powered telephones. Yes, it's a bit childish but hilarious when you've been cooped up for weeks on end.

2. When civilians or people not in the submarine community ask if the subs have windows.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Paramount Television/Orvelin Valle/We Are The Mighty

Facebook group comment: When people ask if we had windows I'd tell them we had a big screen just like on Star Trek and that we could communicate face to face. You should have seen their faces.

3. Sending a NUB (Non Useful Body) to machinery to get a machinist's punch.

Burn After Reading, Focus Features

4. Sending a NUB to feed the shaft seals.

Shaft seals are mythological creatures new sailors are sent to go looking for on a fool's errand by another sailor. The shaft seals are actually a series of interlocks and safety mechanisms that ensure the integrity surrounding the ship's main propulsion shaft, and not nautical mammals.

5. Farting into the ventilation that takes air from one compartment into another.

Fresh Movie Trailers, YouTube

Facebook group comment: We had a mech who'd stand watch on the ERUL (engine room upper level) that used to fart into the ventilation return that took air from the ERUL to the maneuvering control room. Then we'd all look around to figure out who sh-t themselves. About a minute later, we'd see him staring through the window at us with a grin bigger than Tennessee.

6. Preparing a NUB to go hunting when the 1MC (the ship's public address system) announced "the ship will be shooting water slugs."

U.S. Navy Photo by Journalist 3rd Class Corwin Colbert.

Water slug refers to shooting a submarine's torpedo tube without first loading a torpedo — like firing blanks with a gun.

7. Waking a sleeping shipmate and shouting "Come on man, we're the last ones!!" while wearing a Steinke hood or SEIE.

Submarine Escape Immersion Equipment MK-10 suite. U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Jhi L. Scott

A Steinke hood is used to escape a sub stranded on the ocean floor.

8. Trimming a shipmate's webbed belt when he is trying to lose weight.

Image: The Belt Whole Sale

Facebook group comment: I'd trim about a quarter inch every couple of days from his webbed belt while he was trying to lose weight. He will say, "I've lost 10 pounds," to which I'd respond, "why is your belt still tight?"

9. Pranking the XO (Executive Officer) by stealing the door to his stateroom.

U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Todd A. Schaffer/ Orvelin Valle/ We Are The Mighty

It is tradition to prank the XO by stealing the door to his stateroom before transferring to another unit. This is huge because the CO (Commanding Officer/captain) and the XO are the only ones aboard who don't have to share their rooms. It's all in good fun, as is the XO's retaliation. For example, we've heard of an XO who replaced his missing door with a tall sailor. Yes, that's right, a real person. He even held a handle and made creaking noises when the XO opened the door.

10. Getting drunk sailors back on the boat after a port visit. 

Mister Roberts, Warner Bros.

Facebook group comment: We'd laugh as we came face to face with the stumbling fools reeking of booze and debauchery. Me and the other watch stander would tie a line around the drunks and lower them down the aft battery hatch. The first few times were rough, they'd bang around going down but we eventually became good at it. Hell, sometimes I was one of those stumbling fools but they took care of me as I took care of them.

11. Pranking the JOOD (junior officer of the deck) with a trim party.

National Geographic, YouTube

The prank is performed on a newly qualified Dive Officer, Chief of the Watch or JOOD where men and other weights are shifted fore and aft to affect the trim of the boat.

Trim definition (for non-sailors): Both on a submarine and surface vessels, a ship is designed to float as level as possible in the water. When the majority of the cargo weight is shifted to one end of the ship, the ship will begin to tilt.

National Geographic, YouTube

*BONUS!

15 Turns To Nowhere, Facebook

Humor

These old Navy training videos on how to flirt are hilariously bad

The National Archives hosts countless educational films that have come from the military throughout the ages. If you want to learn about declassified nuclear testing, they've got it. If you want to learn how to properly resist communist propaganda, they've got that, too. If you want to learn the 1960's way of wooing women, you better believe the U.S. Military has wasted money on making those videos, too.

Keep reading... Show less
Articles

How R. Lee Ermey's Hollywood break is an inspiration to us all

While there have been many outstanding actors and celebrities who have raised their right hand, there has never been a veteran who could finger point his way to the top of Hollywood stardom quite like the late great Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey.

Keep reading... Show less
Podcast

Combat poetry reveals what life is like on the Afghan front lines

Justin Eggen had some things stuck in his head for a long time during — but especially after — his two deployments to Afghanistan. These thoughts became poems and short stories that reflected his feelings and personal experience as a Marine in Marjah and in Afghanistan's Sangin Valley. They are Eggen's way of handling the overwhelming series of emotions from and memories of his time there.

Keep reading... Show less
Military Life

7 things grunts think about on watch in fighting holes

If nothing else has made you question your choice to join the infantry before, digging a fighting hole definitely will. It's always miserable, it's extremely time consuming, and there's always a giant rock waiting for you once you're halfway down. But, once you get that hole dug, it's smooth sailing. Now, all you have to do is deal with the sleep deprivation and crummy weather.

Keep reading... Show less
History

That time US troops found 200 tons of stolen Nazi gold

In the closing months of World War II, the defeated Nazi Army scrambled to hide the hundreds of tons of gold they had despicably stripped from various nations during their occupation. As they hurriedly stashed their ill-gotten gains, they were unaware that the Allies were drawing near.

Keep reading... Show less
Lists

10 military spouses you should unfriend on Facebook immediately

Often, there comes a point when people decide to give their Facebook friends list an overhaul.

They completely change their social landscape online by avoiding accepting friend requests from certain types of people, and they give their current friends list a good, hard scrub.

Everyone has their reasons. Maybe they're doing it for security purposes, or because a handful of people's posts drive them crazy or they want to keep a more professional profile. Military spouses in particular might do so because they want to focus on positive, stress-free relationships – that is, the ones that bring wine, wear sweat pants, and check judgment at the door.

Keep reading... Show less
GEAR & TECH

This JASSM variant could replace the Harpoon

For a long time, the AGM-84/RGM-84 Harpoon missile has been the primary anti-ship weapon of the United States military. Over the years, with improvements, it's successfully held the line. But, as is perpetually the case, time and technological advances have forced the U.S. Military to look for a missile with even more reach and punch.

Keep reading... Show less
Entertainment

7 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies to watch before 'Infinity War'

Not planning a two-day Marvel Cinematic Universe marathon right before seeing "Avengers: Infinity War?"

Nobody has time for that.

To accommodate fans who want to freshen up their knowledge, we collected a list of the most essential MCU movies to watch right before you see "Infinity War," which is scheduled for release April 27, 2018.

Keep reading... Show less