Articles

The hater's guide to the US Army

This is the third in a series about how branches of the military hate on each other. We'll feature all branches of the U.S. military, written by veterans of that branch being brutally honest with themselves and their services.


The military is like a family that gets together and holds backyard wrestling tournaments every once in a while. They're violent, they protect one another from outsiders, and are ridiculously mean to each other.

We've already shown how the other branches make fun of the Air Force and the Marine Corps. Here's how the other branches hate on the Army (and how they should).

Photo: US Army

The easiest ways to make fun of the Army

Like the Marine Corps, the Army gets called 'dumb' a lot. Since they gave out a lot of waivers for the military entrance test in the early 2000s, this isn't without merit. Also, soldiers try to defend themselves by pointing out all the tough Army jobs that require a surprising amount of intellect such as Special Forces or Satellite Communications Operator. Coming from most soldiers, this is kind of like a mailroom employee pointing out how smart the computer engineers at Google are.

Soldiers also get ridiculed for the admittedly useless uniform they wore for most of the Global War on Terror. All sorts of reasons were given for why it was secretly brilliant, but two other camouflage patterns outperformed the ACU in the Army's own tests before it was fielded. Since the Marine Corps had just gotten their own sweet digital camouflage before the ACU was fielded, there were a lot of (quite possibly true) accusations of copy-catting.

Body fat is another area the Army takes a lot of flak. Even though their body fat standards are actually in line with the other services, photos like the one below and an Army motto of "Army Strong" just made the jokes too easy.

Speaking of which, quite a few Army slogans have been duds with service members. "Army of One" worked for recruiting the video game generation, but it supported a lone warrior ideal that is the opposite of how the Army fights. "Be All You Can Be," was extremely successful and ran for twenty years, but like "Army Strong" it's perfect for memes with fat soldiers.

Why to actually hate the Army

As the largest ground force in the U.S., the Army has a lot of control over what gear and weapons go to both soldiers and, in a few cases, the Marines. When they choose correctly, all troops from all the branches usually end up with better gear for patrols like these weapon sights that let shooters see enemies through smoke and dust.

When they choose incorrectly, they spend $1.5 billion just to shut down a failed program, like they did with the Future Combat System. This was not a one-time thing.

This power to choose what ground combatants wear comes from the fact that the Army is the largest branch and by doctrine is the one in charge of taking and occupying enemy territory. But soldiers get really prima donna about this, making jokes any time airmen screw up on a rifle range or Marines get a vehicle stuck. "Not used to using a rifle, airman? It'd be easier if you were kicking back on the beach, right Marine?"

This is stupid since soldiers screw this stuff up too. Regularly. And when they crash a truck in the mountains or desert, they can't even use the excuse that their equipment was primarily designed for fighting amphibious battles.

Yeah, soldiers did this while in their own vehicles, driving around their own base, operating near their own defenses.

Above: Not an airman's fault.

Zero Marines in this picture.

Also, the Army makes really bold statements about how they're "more tech-savvy than you," which feels a bit arrogant and misguided coming from an institution whose public-facing website got hacked a few months ago because they didn't use https. They also risked the exposure of thousands of Army families' personal information with a faulty system in paying for childcare.

Why to love them

Besides the fact that they began defending America the year before America existed? Or that they marched across Nazi-occupied Europe? Well, there's the fact that American soldiers served more troop years in Iraq and Afghanistan than all the other services combined. Or, you could love them because their most elite soldiers, Delta Force, just liberated 70 ISIS hostages in a daring raid.

Photo: US Army

Then there's the fact that they operate not only on the ground, but also in the water, the air, and space. Army Airborne units provide contingency response forces for both the European/African theaters and the entire world. That's before you count the Army Rangers who can break into an enemy country and topple its land forces in hours or days of fierce fighting with little rest.

When it's time to fight more subtle conflicts, Green Berets can slip into foreign countries and begin training up friendly militias and armies, safeguarding American interests while limiting risk.

Photo by Sgt. 1st Class Malcolm McClendon, The National Guard

The Army is also boss at disaster and humanitarian relief. They supported rescue and rebuilding efforts in Haiti, Nepal, and Japan. When the mission is closer to home, troops deploy as well. In just 2015, they've helped rebuild after hurricanes in South Carolina, rescue Texans from floodwaters, and fight forest fires in California.

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