Telling the f*cking new guy (FNG) to go out and find things isn’t malicious. It may look like hazing to the untrained eye — but you’re teaching that kid a little bit more about the unit. It’s a team-building activity. Everyone should be involved. Not in looking, of course, but in on the joke. The FNG goes to get that thing from one place. Say “sorry, kid, check with Sergeant Smith over there.” Now they have a name to face on Sergeant Smith and hopefully what they do. They keep getting bounced around until the salty supply dude gets fed up and scolds the poor kid. They learned a lesson and enjoyed some face time with the team, and you get a good laugh. That, and they’re far more entertaining than those checklists you get at reception.
Here are 11 things you should send the FNG to find
#1: Headlight Fluid
Motorpool Monday again. Since most boots can’t figure out how to turn on the headlights on a Humvee, let them know that it’s probably because they’re out of fluid.
#2: Exhaust Samples
While you’re still at the Motorpool, tell them that in order for dispatch to truly know how well the vehicle is running, they need an exhaust sample.
#3: Chem-light batteries
Chances are the rookie has little understanding of chemiluminescence and probably won’t pull “but it’s a chemical reaction caused by the mixing of two solutions being exposed together.”
If they do, they should probably get a pass until lunch.
#4: Box of Grid Squares
You’re about to go to the Land Navigation field and you are in “some serious need” for some grid squares.
I mean, technically, they could just give you a paper map and they wouldn’t be wrong.
#5: Prop/Rotor Wash
Didn’t think Aviation would get a pass on the 242nd Annual F*ck-F*ck Games, did you?
For the uninformed, Prop/Rotor Wash is back draft of air that the aircraft generates to create lift. It’s also the worst part about Air Assault FRIES jumps.
#6: Flight Line
New kid not leaving you alone while you maintain a multi-million dollar piece of equipment? Tell them you have to connect some flight line to the whatever. And while they’re at it, tell them to grab the left-handed monkey wrench.
#7: Pad Eye Remover
For obvious reasons, it’s best to remove the chains from the aircraft and not the ship. But the FNG doesn’t get obvious.
#8: The switch to lower the mast
Oh no! The ship is about to go underneath a bridge that other ships have gone under thousands of times over! Looks like it’s time to lower the mast!
#9: Bulkhead Remover
It’ll be all fun and games when you tell the baby squid to clean all the bulkhead off. The moment they grab a blowtorch…run.
#10: Prickey-5
Always a fun one to pull on your guy to rib another NCO. If the private responds with, “Why do we need a Prickey-5 when we already have a Prickey 6?”
Drop their ass.
#11: ID 10-T Form
All the years this one has been around, it still sticks. It’s far too obvious of a joke.
And yet….
