6 signs that you might be a veteran - We Are The Mighty
Humor

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Every well-worn U.S. veteran has certain and unique characteristics. Some of them are unsavory reminders of services rendered, while others are just plain peculiar.


The life of a veteran is varied and uncommon to the layman and so are many of the conditions that follow.

So, you might be a veteran if:

Related: 7 reasons the Air Force hates on the Army

6. Your joints are freakin’ shot!

When you joined the military, you were a superb physical specimen able to run, jump, and generally be amazing without any real issue or ailment. Fast-forward to ETS. You are now a decorated veteran complete with tons of experiences and stories that can’t be bought.

Also, you’re fully equipped with a soundtrack of destroyed cartilage and worn joints to accompany the constant, but slight pain running through your knees, ankles, shoulders, and back… You’re welcome.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
When getting old gets real.  (20th Century Fox)

5. You’ve got an ex-spouse… or two

American divorce is a regular occurrence. About half of every couple that says, “I do” will ultimately say, “f*ck you, I’m out!” That’s just America. Now, take a couple of red-blooded Americans and throw them into the military environment.

The tempo alone makes marriage more challenging — and that doesn’t even account for the personal changes that both parties go through as they transverse their military careers and life.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Actual footage of a man trying to understand a woman.

4. You get dressed on a double-time

Being able to go from sleeping to full battle rattle in quick fashion is a skill that many veterans are forced to develop. As we transition, this ability becomes useful for other reasons: We can get fully dressed and out the door in a few minutes, with the right motivation.

This is first developed in basic training and honed over a few years of duty.

It becomes perfect when, inevitably, we find ourselves waking up 20-minutes before needing to be somewhere that’s a 17-minute drive away. It is but one of the many superpowers we leave service with.

Right after a veteran gets the text, “I’m on the way.” (Image via GIPHY)

3. You know the many uses of “vitamin M”

Vitamin M (or Motrin) is the catchall medicine for active duty members. Have a headache? Have some Vitamin M. Twisted ankle? Take two. Swollen knees? Take a few. Broken leg? Take an 800mg and remember R.I.C.E.

Veterans take these bad boys like freakin’ tic-tacs and keep pushing onward. Put on your big boy pants, the mission must go on.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Also Read: 5 ways to skate in Marine Corps boot camp

2. You hate most military movies/TV Shows

This isn’t because you hate the military. Oh, quite the contrary; you love the military and are extremely proud of your service.

What you do hate: All the fallacies in so much of this programming. Nothing on TV disturbs me more than seeing some actor wearing a service uniform looking like a bag of soggy bread.

Any servicemember that made it through Basic/Boot can spot these misplaced nametapes, incorrect ribbons, jacked up covers, etc. It’s an easy fix, though: Hire a vet!

That face you make when Pearl Harbor plays on TV.  (Image via GIPHY)

1. Being late is f*cking terrifying

We all know the saying, “if you’re on time, you’re late!” This mantra is driven into us throughout our service, so much so that even now, years after separating from service, I still feel like there’s a sergeant waiting to chew my ass if I’m late.

Extenuating circumstances notwithstanding, you’ll be hard-pressed to find a veteran who is willingly late to anything.

In the event that we are late, or even just running late, it nags and eats at us internally — sometimes causing a headache, which we treat with Vitamin M.

Veteran showing up at 1401 for a 1400 appointment. (Image via GIPHY)
Articles

This Iraq vet kayaker will make you rethink PTSD


Army veteran Russell Davies knows all about taking the big plunge back into civilian life after military service. As a member of the Army’s 101st Airborne Division, he served tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and became a recipient of the Purple Heart.

Now a professional whitewater kayaker, Davies has made a name for himself both in competition and as a dominator of the biggest, burliest whitewater on the planet.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
“Yeah, sometimes Class V just isn’t enough.” “Totally.” (Go90 Oscar Mike screenshot)

“Oscar Mike” host Ryan Curtis caught up with Davies in Horseshoe Bend, Idaho, to see what a day on the water is all about, but what he found there goes a whole lot deeper.

As a civilian, Davies has given himself a new mission: to help returning veterans address the challenges of PTSD and depression through participation in extreme sports. His organization aims to connect vets to the kind of positive, purpose-driven adrenaline rush that he found through kayaking.

But, lest you fear the day was all mutual support and quiet healing, our host — true to form — came through with an 11th hour challenge that once again pushed him to the brink of washing out.

Watch as Davies shows Curtis why real men wear (spray) skirts and the only water worth knowing is white in the video embedded at the top.

Watch more Oscar Mike:

Watch this Vietnam War vet school a young soldier in stunt driving

This is why you don’t challenge an ex-sniper to a duel

This Army vet is crazy motivated

This is what happens when you put a sailor in a stock car

Articles

6 things you didn’t know about sick call

“Hydrate, take Motrin and change your socks.”


Chances are you’ve heard this advice at one time or another. Service members visit sick call with issues ranging from upper respiratory infections to needing to have a toenail removed. With over 130 military installations located throughout the world, every soldier, airman, sailor or Marine has medical care readily accessible. 

6 signs that you might be a veteran

If the troop in question needs to go to medical that day without an appointment, he or she is going to end up in an urgent care center commonly known as “Sick Call.” Here are six things you probably didn’t know about sick troops and the care they need to get back to work.

1. Thermometers 

You’re sitting on a patient table when a medical technician tells you to say “AHHHHHHH” before sticking a blue-handled thermometer under your tongue. But did you ever wonder why it was color coded?

The military purchases dual-function thermometers which are typically red and blue. The blue one is assigned to take your oral temp, where the red draws the short end of the stick and gets shoved up where the sun doesn’t shine. Not to fear, rectal temperature checks are primarily used on heat causalities.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Photo by Mass Communication Specialist Christopher L. Clark)

Better hope the nurse isn’t color blind because … that would suck. The photo above shows a member of the medical staff using the right color. A+.

2.  The “Feared Medical Condition Not Demonstrated”

Believe it or not, this is a real medical diagnosis. If you were to open your medical record right now and saw this term printed one or more times, chances are you were a “sick call commando.”  This isn’t the commando label you want to have.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

“Feared Medical Condition Not Demonstrated” is a polite way to inform other medical professionals they didn’t find anything wrong with you physically. You can try and tear out the paper from your record, but unless it was hand written, it’s in the computer system. For-ev-er.

3. “One Chief Complaint Only”

For those who don’t know, a “chief complaint” is the term used for the reason you showed up to medical. “I have a headache and I think I broke my foot.” From my direct experience working alongside seasoned doctors, some stated to the patient they weren’t allowed to treat more than one medical condition at each encounter. It’s also bull.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

This is regularly used as an excuse to get rid of you. You would likely have come back the next day for the second issue or visit the ER. Good thing Tricare covers both.

4. On The Job Training

Medical clinics commonly use the ideology of “show one, do one, teach one.” The doctor shows a new medic/corpsman/tech how to perform a procedure, they repeat it on another patient in front of the doctor, then go off and show someone else how to perform it. Sounds like a pretty good plan right? It was pretty darn helpful and a confidence builder for the lower enlisted.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

This type of training isn’t that rare, even in the civilian sector. What is rare is how many different procedures junior enlisted were allowed to perform “under doctor supervision” – who were usually warming up their afternoon coffee.

5. Service Connections

When the VA gathers its data to process your compensation claim, it may seem hard to believe, but they don’t hire a team of private detectives and Harvard-trained doctors to conduct an extensive investigation to ensure that you get the top rating you deserve.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Mind. Blown.

After submitting your claim, the VA board wants proof your condition was a result of your time on active duty. Missing sick call and other medical documents can cause a massive delay in reaching your service connection settlement. Cover your six and make copies of your copies.

6. Legal

You may remember the day when you walked into the Military Entrance Processing Command and signed your service contract. A proud day.

What you made not have realized is that those papers you signed included The Feres Doctrine.

The Feres Doctrine is a 1950s-era rule that protects the federal government from its employees collecting damages for personal injuries experienced in the performance of their duties. So if a military doctor screws up on you, you can’t sue the government, but they can charge you with an Article 108 (destruction of government property) for getting a new tattoo or a sunburn.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

You’re Welcome, America!

Humor

5 more epic military movie mistakes

For some, military movies are a blast to watch as many are based on real and fascinating stories of man’s ability to overcome any obstacle and fulfill his or her goals and destiny and all that crap.


With so many emotional aspects to pay attention to, filmmakers miss minor detail-orientated mistakes that veteran moviegoers spot a mile away.

Related: 5 epic military movie mistakes

So check out some mistakes we managed to spot in our favorite Hollywood war films:

1. A bad angle

“Hacksaw Ridge” showcased the heroic efforts of Desmond Doss, a combat medic who served in WWII and saved 75 men during a battle in the Pacific.

When he meets the love of his life, a hot nurse, she’ll take some of Desmond’s blood but fails to use the proper angle when inserting the needle.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Go along the skin line, lady! (Source: Lionsgate/Screenshot)

At this angle, she would have poked right through the vein at the AC space (antecubital) and into his muscle — what little Andrew Garfield has.

2. A below-the-knee tourniquet

Quentin Tarantino may be a genius at writing great character dialogue, but his medical knowledge of how to treat a gunshot wound needs a little work.

The female on the table has a tourniquet in place below her knee to help stop any arterial bleeding. A typical piece of cloth wouldn’t help a GSW too much.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
That tourniquet isn’t doing anything but getting a chance to touch Diane Kruger’s leg. We like that. (Source: Weinstein/Screenshot)

Fun Fact: Your tibia and fibula are located in below the knee and the artery runs in between the two bones to provide it protection. A tourniquet placed below the knee would have no effect in stopping a massive bleed.

3. Robbed the armory?

Veterans give military movies a lot of crap, especially the 2nd and 3rd acts of “Full Metal Jacket.” But this time we’re calling out how could Gomer Pyle managed to snag a rifle and ammo while in boot camp from the armory (where they would have been stored).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Where the hell did you get that Pvt. Pyle? (Source: WB/Screenshot)

Let’s face it, Pyle’s character wasn’t a genius and doubtfully would be able to pull off a single rifle heist.

4. Shoot the rear tank?

In “Fury” we got an opportunity to experience the dangers of being a tanker during WWII. In the film, David Ayer chose to make the Germans shoot and destroy the last American tank in a ranger file — even though he knew that would not be an accurate military tactic.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
That would have been great if the real Germans used such ineffective tactics during the war — it would have been over way sooner. (Source: Sony/Screenshot)

In real life, they should have hit the tank in front, forcing the rest to halt and stopping the line. But if they had destroyed the front tank (War Daddy’s), the credits would roll because the movie would now be over.

Also Read: 5 more military myths that Hollywood taught us to believe

5. Clear hearing in a flying helicopter

Okay, Tropic Thunder isn’t technically a war movie, but it did win Tugg Speedman the fictional Oscar for best actor for “Tropic Blunder,” the true story behind the making of the most expensive fake true war story ever.

But in this helicopter insertion scene, there’s no way the men could hear the director’s instructions in a loud helicopter cargo bay (with the doors open) without proper headsets.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Regardless of the mistake, this movie is funny as hell. (Source: Paramount/Youtube/ Screenshot)

If any movie producers and directors out there need help on military consulting, feel free to contact us.

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Humor

5 reasons Deadpool would make an amazing platoon sergeant

Platoon sergeants aren’t there to be liked by the platoon, they’re there to make sure the platoon is prepared for every mission.


But, when a platoon sergeant gets along with their troops, it’s great for morale.

Personally, we think there’d no better person for the job than Wade Wilson, a.k.a Deadpool. Why?

Related: 6 DC comic heroes who served in the Army

1. He’s freaking hilarious

Platoon sergeants have a special talent for humor, almost as if they teach it at Infantry Unit Leaders Course. Deadpool has mastered the art like it’s his job.

 

6 signs that you might be a veteran
He also has a dirty sense of humor.

 

2. Deadpool isn’t the “aye, sir” type

Deadpool bows to no one. Like any good platoon sergeant, if he disagrees with a higher-up, he says something about it — which means he would always fight for his guys.

The lower enlisted members of the platoon love platoon sergeants who are willing to fight on their behalf at the company office.

3. He’s always willing to joke around

Deadpool earned the title, “Merc with a mouth” by always finding the time to crack wise, using the previously-mentioned, professional-level sarcasm. This is a quality shared by the best platoon sergeants and adored by the lower enlisted members of their platoons.

 

4. He has no filter

When explaining to a higher-up that he disagrees with something, you know Deadpool won’t veil his point in metaphor — he’s going to be blunt and honest. And he’ll probably be absolutely hilarious in the process.

Also read: 6 differences between machine gunners and riflemen

5. Deadpool is nearly impossible to kill

Most platoon sergeants are seemingly bulletproof, but Deadpool actually bulletproof. If wounded, he can simply regenerate, making him an extremely hard target.

 

6 signs that you might be a veteran
He can survive anything you throw or shoot at him… or stab or blow him up with. (Image from 20th Century Fox’s Deadpool)

Humor

11 memes that will make any infantryman laugh for hours

When you serve in the infantry, you develop a new language with your squad — which then turns into a new type of comedy.


Most service members outside the infantry community don’t truly understand our humor, but who the f*ck cares — we get it!

Related: The 13 funniest military memes for the week of March 9th

1. 99% of all military personnel would be issued this ribbon — just in boot camp.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

2. Infantrymen hand out love with a single bullet or a full belt of ammo (via Valhalla Wear).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Machine gunners bring their own party favors.

3. Sir, just a quick peek. Seriously, no one has to know (via Funker 530).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
We think he’s just coloring.

4. This is the ultimate game of “chicken” (via Sh-t my LPO says).

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Also Read: 11 hilarious Navy memes that are freaking spot on

5. Marines love to blow sh*t up. It’s what makes them happy (via Devil Dog Nation).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
When you need something blown up, they’ll handle it.

6.  When a clown can assemble a rifle better than an airman (via Pop Smoke).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Maybe one day you’ll get to pistol qual.

7. That moment when you think you forgot your rifle at the FOB, but you’re back stateside (via The Salty Soldier).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Remember, you checked it back in months ago?

8. “That’s it? All of it? There’s more to this thing, right?”

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Nope. That’s all you get.

Don’t Forget: 11 memes that are way too real for every Corpsman

9. Why did Carl come along to this firefight?

6 signs that you might be a veteran
We can’t take him anywhere.

10. When you’re dressed up like a badass, but a real badass walks by you.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

11. When you’ve been deployed way too freakin’ long (via Pop smoke).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
This WMD is bound to go off at any time during post-deployment leave.

Humor

How to make great 10-cent ramen while living in the barracks

In most parts of America, Top Ramen is considered a last-resort food consumed by college kids, recently divorced dads, and drunk people. It doesn’t have to be this way. Top Ramen has potential — it’s a diamond in the rough — and it’s up to you to showcase just how delicious this peasant food can be.


Related: How certain MRE items become cash money to a service member

So, check out how to make the best Ramen coming from an eight-year Marine veteran-turned-chef.

Here are the tools you’ll need to make the perfect Top Ramen dish on a budget

  • 2-quart saucepan
  • Wooden cooking spoon
  • Stove

6 signs that you might be a veteran
All the ingredients you’ll ever need. (Image from Sean Dodds)

Ingredients

  • 1 package of cheap Top Ramen with flavor pack
  • 2 cups water
  • 1 tbsp Soy Sauce
  • 1 tbsp Ponzu
  • 1 tbsp black bean chili paste
  • 2 tsp ground ginger
  • 2 tsp ground lemongrass
  • 1 lime
  • 1 bunch fresh cilantro
  • 1 egg
  • 1 slice of American or pepper-jack cheese

Step 1. Make broth.

Add all liquid ingredients along with the ground ginger, lemongrass, and provided flavor pack into the saucepan. Place on a stove at high heat and stir with a wooden spoon until everything is dissolved.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
The best Ramen broth ever! (Image from Sean Dodds)

Step 2. Bring to a boil.

Bring the liquid to a boil, stirring often with your wooden spoon.

Step 3. Prep the garnish.

As the broth slowly approaches a boil, chop up the cilantro. Cut the lime into a few wedges.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Choppin’ up the herbs. (Image from Sean Dodds)

Step 4. Add the noodles.

Once the broth is boiling, add the noodles and stir until it boils again. Then, reduce to a simmer and let cook for 5 minutes.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Drop it like it’s hot. (Image from Sean Dodds)

Also Read: 6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Step 5. Add some cheese and the egg.

As the ramen simmers, add the cheese and egg while stirring to scramble the egg in the pot. The cheese will melt and the egg will cook, just be sure to keep stirring until both are distributed evenly.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Don’t get any shell in there. (Image from Sean Dodds)

Step 6. Serve and garnish.

Bowl up your ramen, add 2 tbsp of chopped cilantro, squeeze the lime wedge over your bowl of greatness, and enjoy.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Enjoy! (Image from Sean Dodds)

What are your favorite ramen recipes?

Humor

6 of the funniest comedic military sketches ranked

In the military, we’re notorious for having a really dark sense of humor. We laugh at crazy sh*t ranging from getting shot at to being awoken by having hot sauce poured into our wide-open mouths.


We told you it was dark.

We also think it’s funny when professional comedians attempt to spoof us and our unique culture. Veterans are a tough crowd to please, but we typically forgive comedy sketches that try to portray what it’s like serving.

Let’s face it, we never expect any civilian comedian to get it right, but it’s funny as hell to watch them try.

Related: 6 of the best Navy recruiting commercials ranked

So, check out six of the funniest comedic military sketches ranked.

6. “The retired military specialist” — Key & Peele

Just when you think you’re out, the military attempts to pull you back in.

Well, that’s what one military specialist (Peele) thought when he’s unexpectedly approached by an Army General (Key). However, the general is there just to ask for a simple recommendation for another operative. When the military specialist learns of that fact, the real comedy begins.

(Comedy Central | YouTube)

5. “The sensitive drill sergeant” — SNL

A drill sergeant (Ferrell) with a sensitive side orders his troops to give him advice about his love life and relationships.

(Saturday Night Live | YouTube)

4. “The worst catfish ever” — College Humor

When troops deploy, they leave their spouses and loved ones behind. When you’re thousands of miles from home, it’s not uncommon for service members to claim to have long distance relationships to look cool in front of their peers.

College Humor nails this military sketch as one man poses as two different girls and catfishes two separate service members just to learn they’ve both fallen in combat.

(College Humor | YouTube)

3. Awesome Hitler Story — Key & Peele

The comedy duo does it again as they portray World War II soldiers hearing a story about one of history’s worst humans.

(Comedy Central | YouTube)

2. “My father is my colonel” — SNL

As tough as military training can be, imagine being in a command where your father is in charge — and all you want is to look cool in front of your boys.

(Saturday Night Live, YouTube)

Also Read: US Army recruitment campaigns, ranked from worst to best

1. “Would rather be elsewhere” — Monty Python

We’re not setting this clip up. Just watch it and you’ll see why we put it number one.

(Movieclips | YouTube)
Humor

5 best reasons why the Air Force doesn’t need warrant officers

Many an airman have found themselves utterly confused whenever they encounter these wonderful and mythical creatures normally found somewhere downrange (or near one of our sibling service’s chow hall).


Their rank insignia is confusing for the airman seeing it for the first time — but don’t you dare stare! Yes, this rare and godlike commodity is the warrant officer.

What, exactly, is a warrant officer?

A warrant officer is a technical expert. For the branches that have them (i.e. not the U.S. Air Force), they serve as the technical base for their respective service. They, simply put, have become officers based on expertise and, well, warrant.

Sounds great, but does the Air Force need them? Here are five reasons why they might not:

6 signs that you might be a veteran
They definitely don’t know what to do with their hands. (Image from Columbia Pictures’ Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby)

Related: 7 more professional athletes you didn’t know were veterans

5. Congress had a better plan

The Air Force actually did once have warrant officers.

From the moment the Air Force become a separate branch on Sept. 18, 1947 until 1958, the enlisted ranks topped out at E-7. Congress then created the ranks of E-8 and E-9 for the Air Force, allowing for more growth.

The Air Force didn’t see a need for these technical experts anymore and used this momentum to usher out what had become a somewhat pesky group of individuals.

The Air Force made their last warrant officer appointment in 1959 and the one in active duty retired in 1980.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
This is how the Air Force Warrant Officer went away. (Image from ABC’s Schoolhouse Rock)

4. Wait, aren’t we actually getting them?

This is a rumor that has been going around for decades. I, personally, heard it back in my earliest days in Air Force blue and thought it was a great idea.

I heard it again a few years and bases later, and even right now the idea of re-introducing the warrant officer tier to the Air Force is being kicked around.

It’ll probably, eventually, likely, maybe-not-but-just-might happen… one day.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

3. We must be different

Just like most younger siblings, the Air Force strives to be different from our big brothers in blue, green, and Marine.

We learn from their history, their triumphs, and their missteps to be a better version of awesome whenever and wherever possible.

Most of the time, that makes sense. But sometimes, different is just different — not better.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Pictured: Air Force fighting for independence.

2. Because… air power

Keeping in line with the snootiness of being the baby sibling, the Air Force went a step further in hardening the line between enlisted and commissioned than our brothers did.

The Air Force zigged when the Army zagged.

Why? Because there will be no misnomer about ranks, positions, and titles in the Air Force, right?

Also read: This is what it was like being in the military on 9/10

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Air Force being Air Force… different isn’t always better. (USAF photo by Airman Jack Sanders)

1. We have our own unicorns

We already have mythical, rarely seen, hard-to-catch creatures in the Air Force.

Unlike other services, where you commonly see some type of operator doing all types of things (from working out to shopping), in the Air Force, you could easily go your entire career without ever seeing a pararescueman or combat controller with your own eyes.

Oh, they exist like a motherf*cker but, unless you’re in that world, you’ll only see them in your dreams.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Pictured: absolute badass, Chief Master Sgt. Davide Keaton (Retired).  (USAF photo by Senior Airman Ryan Conroy)

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of May 5

Memes call! Find your favorites, share them with your buddies, or don’t. We’re not your supervisor.


1. A training video on “Abdominal Circumference” may actually help some units (via Air Force Memes Humor).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
And Troy McClure videos would be a huge upgrade from all these Powerpoints.

2. Being outside a firefight without your rifle is worse than being in a firefight with it (Weapons of Meme Destruction).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Feels like death, and might be worse.

3. Allow the E4 to teach you a little about the military (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Starting with: Never go back to the unit right away.

4. Back blast area clear!

(via Team Non-Rec)

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Gonna be hard to explain this to the homeowner’s association the next morning.

5. It’s always embarrassing to remember that next generation’s history books will include this generation’s actions (via Decelerate Your Life).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
At least you can write some of the histories ahead of time.

6. Will pay to see “You’re Welcome” parody with Coast Guard swimmers (via Coast Guard Memes).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
The Coast Guard used this exact same pun two years ago while talking about teaching rescue swimmers to swim.

7. Senior enlisted problems:

(via Terminal Lance)

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Decisions, decisions. Sorry, junior Marines.

8. Some NCO better fix that little guy’s gig line (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Can’t tell if the label in the top right corner is from the past or future …

9. Last guy to switch from BDUs is definitely the first guy to crack a beer (via Air Force amn/nco/snco).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Love the shades.

10. Your recruiter lied to you (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Better volunteer for some cool-guy schools and get into some high-speed units.

11. Kinda hard to take the new guy on a welcome-to-the-unit bender if someone has to make him a fake ID first (via Military World).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Highly recommend ordering the apple juice so at least no one else in the bar can tell.

12. It’s all about composite risk management (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Dirt raking is dangerous.

13. Remember all those grinning, proud faces when all the boots got their new uniforms?

(via Decelerate Your Life)

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Of course, those uniforms get pretty salty before the end of the contract.

Articles

This is what happens when your father was your drill instructor’s drill instructor

If Marine Corps boot camp is a bitter slice of hell, then drill instructors are the demons who dish it.


Now imagine what basic training would be like if your drill instructor was your father’s recruit and knew it. That’s exactly what happened to Reddit user hygemaii.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Gunnery Sergeant Shawn D. Angell gently corrects a trainee. (Photo: U.S. Marine Corps)

You’d expect one of two things to happen: you get favorable treatment because your father treated your DI to a rose garden — highly unlikely — or you become your DI’s reprisal punching bag for everything your father put him through as a recruit — probably more realistic. Here’s how the story played out, according to hygemaii (mildly edited for grammar and curse words):

“My best military story is my own boot camp story. I decided to join the Marine Corps almost on a whim after planning to join the Air Force for most of my senior year in high school.

Related: 5 of the funniest boot camp stories we’ve ever heard

Same old story of AF recruiters seeming like they didn’t give a sh-t about their appearance or job and the Marine recruiter putting out max effort all the time and always being presentable. I was a pretty easy mark for the USMC because my dad was in the USMC; I grew up on bases all over the U.S. until we moved to the little farm town in North Florida where I went to high school.

Since I was 18, I basically did all the paperwork myself, found a job series I liked, signed, the whole nine yards, my dad didn’t know anything until I told him I was going to MEPS and joining the Marines. He was overjoyed, obviously. He loved the Corps and regretted getting out after 12 years.

Now the story gets funny. My dad was a drill instructor when he was in the Marines. I remembered living on Parris Island but didn’t think much of it. When I got my ship date for boot camp, my dad called some old friends and I ended up in a Company who’s First Sergeant was an old friend of my dad’s — they served on the drill field together all those years ago. So through some sort of crazy coincidence, I end up in a platoon with a drill instructor who was a recruit under my dad (6-7 years prior to me going to boot camp).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
A Drill Instructor whispers loving words of encouragement to Marines who needed some motivation. (U.S. Marine Corps)

I have a very distinct name, and on the second day after we got our real drill instructors, as he was going through roll call, the drill instructor suddenly fell quiet. After a couple of seconds, he said my name, perfectly pronounced, and I knew I was f-cked.

He said “Lastname, I bet there aren’t too many Lastnames in the world like that, are there?” Sir, no sir. “Was your daddy a Marine in the 90’s Lastname?” Sir, yes sir. “F-cking good, Lastname, good. Get on my quarterdeck now.”

I spent the rest of boot camp unable to make myself invisible. It spread from my drill instructor to drill instructors from other platoons, even other Companies. It was f-cking miserable. I felt bad for my rack mate, because at one point for about three days I had to move my entire rack to the quarterdeck and he was just along for the ride, so he caught a lot of it, too.

It made graduating really special, in retrospect, to finally get the kind words from that drill instructor, but man that sucked. I’m pretty sure this entire thing was set up by my dad and his buddy, but they both deny it, and there’s no way to prove it.

It was funny seeing my drill instructor stand a little straighter when he saw my dad at graduation.”

Humor

That time a US hacker hijacked North Korean propaganda to play ‘the Final Countdown’

A socially conscious hacker known as “The Jester” put one over on the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea recently. To add to his long list of hilarious practical jokes with a social-conscious message, the hacktivist hijacked a propaganda-laden North Korean shortwave radio station.


His request? “The Final Countdown” by the 80s one-hit-wonder Swedish rock band, Europe.

(EuropeVEVO | YouTube)

He announced the feat through his Twitter account. In the past, The Jester has taken on jihadist websites, notably ISIS. He even retaliated against the Russian Foreign Ministry for attacking American targets, defacing their website with the message:

Comrades! We interrupt regular scheduled Russian Foreign Affairs Website programming to bring you the following important message,” he wrote. “Knock it off. You may be able to push around nations around you, but this is America. Nobody is impressed.

While no one knows who he is, The Jester is a self-proclaimed patriot hacker, who thinks Anonymous is a bunch of “blowhards” whose work amounts to a “hill of beans.” Evidence in The Jester’s work makes people believe he is either a military veteran or former military contractor — he even leaves a calling card for his work: “Tango Down.”

Either way, he’s on our side.

 

The North Korean radio station hit by The Jester is used to broadcast coded messages and often used as a warning post for outside media before the regime does something provocative. It also re-broadcasts programming from the appropriately-named Pyongyang Broadcasting Station… aka “Pyongyang BS.”

Articles

4 terrible pieces of advice ‘Carl’ would give to the US President

It was reported earlier this month that during a July 19 meeting with his national-security team, President Donald Trump turned down counsel of his generals, saying he leaned “toward the advice of rank-and-file soldiers.”


As one of those “rank-and-file” soldiers who has sat through countless sensing sessions where dumb asses give the stupidest advice on how to run the Army, I can see plenty of room for error.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Case in point (Comic by Maximilian at Terminal Lance)

Writer’s Note: This is not intended to be a political piece. It’s only meant to shine a light on the humor that would come from giving “Carl” — or the person that has to be THAT f*cking guy in your unit — the ultimate open door policy. Soldiers could have great ideas that could help turn things around in Afghanistan. But not Carl.

1. Every base would get a luxurious boost in MWR (Morale, Welfare, and Recreation).

Soldiers are more ready and resilient if they aren’t bored out of their f*cking minds, right? Some soldiers make it seem like it’s a matter of life and death if they have to twiddle their thumbs for more than 10 minutes at a time. Carl’s first piece of advice?

“Porn, Mr. President. No one can be busy twiddling their thumbs if their twiddling their little rifleman instead. Gonna need tablets and good WiFi for every combat outpost. And make sure to not put some dumb password on it. No one wants to look for a sticky note when they’re trying to get sticky, you feel me?”

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Back in my day, all we had was a broken pool table and a library that only a few people went to, and we pretended like we were fine with it! (Photo via Wikimedia Commons)

2. Get rid of the MREs for junk food.

Did you know there’s a lot of science behind MREs (Meals-Ready-to-Eat)? They have to have at least 5-year shelf life, specific calorie counts, have a variety of nutrients and hold their nutrients through a quick heating process, are specifically pH balanced, stay oxygen controlled, and so much more. But Carl doesn’t realize that.

“Beer and brauts. And make sure they have lots of pork so the locals won’t want to touch us. Come to think of it, put some stickers in ’em that say, ‘Infidel filled with pig,’ so all the enemies will know our blood is unsafe to touch. Yeah, mess with us, lose your virgins. Expiration dates? Nah, we’ll drink ’em before they go bad.”

6 signs that you might be a veteran
The last of these were made in ’08. Unless they were kept in a temperature of below a constant 40°F, these f*ckers should all be expired. We should be safe now. (Photo via Wikicommons)

3. Put fast food joints on all FOBs.

I remember my first time at Ali Al Salem Air Base. One of my NCOs took me to the McDonalds. He bought me a burger and told me “Ski, (every service member with a Polish last name has it reduced to the same three letters) enjoy this burger because it’s all down hill from here.” I replied, “But Sergeant, this tastes like cat sh*t flattened in an ash tray.”

“Like I said, all down hill from here.”

And Carl doesn’t get that it’s a problem of logistics and security.

“Here we go, President Trump. What they really need over there is a little taste of home, specifically, a taste of home-fried chicken from Kentucky. Yeah, KFC. Finger-licken good.”

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Yet, it tasted so much better the second time around. (photo via TheBlueShadow)

4. The definition of “hazing” would get a lot more intense.

‘Member hazing? I ‘member.

There’s a difference between taking a wooden mallet and giving someone a seizure and tapping someone on their new rank to say “good sh*t, sergeant!” There’s a difference between having a lighthearted joke with the new guy by telling him to run around everywhere on a scavenger hunt and things that are the definition of sexual assault.

“But like, they were super mean to me. One of ’em said I should go get the keys to the drop zone for the airborne guys. But, get this, there’s no such thing! Yeah, so no more snipe hunts, Mr. President. And also, no more hard stuff right after lunch. I need time to digest my KFC.”

Related: This is why the military shouldn’t completely outlaw hazing

6 signs that you might be a veteran

 

What dumb ideas do you think Carl would give the President of the United States? Let’s hear them in the comment section.

Associate Editor and Army paratrooper Logan Nye contributed to this story.

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