6 signs that you might be a veteran - We Are The Mighty
Humor

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Every well-worn U.S. veteran has certain and unique characteristics. Some of them are unsavory reminders of services rendered, while others are just plain peculiar.


The life of a veteran is varied and uncommon to the layman and so are many of the conditions that follow.

So, you might be a veteran if:

Related: 7 reasons the Air Force hates on the Army

6. Your joints are freakin’ shot!

When you joined the military, you were a superb physical specimen able to run, jump, and generally be amazing without any real issue or ailment. Fast-forward to ETS. You are now a decorated veteran complete with tons of experiences and stories that can’t be bought.

Also, you’re fully equipped with a soundtrack of destroyed cartilage and worn joints to accompany the constant, but slight pain running through your knees, ankles, shoulders, and back… You’re welcome.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
When getting old gets real.  (20th Century Fox)

5. You’ve got an ex-spouse… or two

American divorce is a regular occurrence. About half of every couple that says, “I do” will ultimately say, “f*ck you, I’m out!” That’s just America. Now, take a couple of red-blooded Americans and throw them into the military environment.

The tempo alone makes marriage more challenging — and that doesn’t even account for the personal changes that both parties go through as they transverse their military careers and life.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Actual footage of a man trying to understand a woman.

4. You get dressed on a double-time

Being able to go from sleeping to full battle rattle in quick fashion is a skill that many veterans are forced to develop. As we transition, this ability becomes useful for other reasons: We can get fully dressed and out the door in a few minutes, with the right motivation.

This is first developed in basic training and honed over a few years of duty.

It becomes perfect when, inevitably, we find ourselves waking up 20-minutes before needing to be somewhere that’s a 17-minute drive away. It is but one of the many superpowers we leave service with.

Right after a veteran gets the text, “I’m on the way.” (Image via GIPHY)

3. You know the many uses of “vitamin M”

Vitamin M (or Motrin) is the catchall medicine for active duty members. Have a headache? Have some Vitamin M. Twisted ankle? Take two. Swollen knees? Take a few. Broken leg? Take an 800mg and remember R.I.C.E.

Veterans take these bad boys like freakin’ tic-tacs and keep pushing onward. Put on your big boy pants, the mission must go on.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Also Read: 5 ways to skate in Marine Corps boot camp

2. You hate most military movies/TV Shows

This isn’t because you hate the military. Oh, quite the contrary; you love the military and are extremely proud of your service.

What you do hate: All the fallacies in so much of this programming. Nothing on TV disturbs me more than seeing some actor wearing a service uniform looking like a bag of soggy bread.

Any servicemember that made it through Basic/Boot can spot these misplaced nametapes, incorrect ribbons, jacked up covers, etc. It’s an easy fix, though: Hire a vet!

That face you make when Pearl Harbor plays on TV.  (Image via GIPHY)

1. Being late is f*cking terrifying

We all know the saying, “if you’re on time, you’re late!” This mantra is driven into us throughout our service, so much so that even now, years after separating from service, I still feel like there’s a sergeant waiting to chew my ass if I’m late.

Extenuating circumstances notwithstanding, you’ll be hard-pressed to find a veteran who is willingly late to anything.

In the event that we are late, or even just running late, it nags and eats at us internally — sometimes causing a headache, which we treat with Vitamin M.

Veteran showing up at 1401 for a 1400 appointment. (Image via GIPHY)
Humor

6 memes that immortalize the now-grounded ‘sky dick’ aircrew

Whenever a branch of the armed forces makes it into the news, a sense of dread washes over the troops. Most times, it’s not good news. Maybe a brother or sister in arms fell, or the leadership is accused of misconduct, or, perhaps worst, those we serve with did something devastating.


Not this time. This time, the Navy made international news by drawing a giant penis in the sky over Okanogan, Washington.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Giant penis? Nah, dude, it’s an Arby’s hat

On one hand, yes, it is understandable that the U.S. Navy would need to react after civilians got the wrong impression of the men and women who protect them.

“The actions of this aircrew are wholly unacceptable and antithetical to Navy core values” said a statement issued on Nov. 17 by NAS Whidbey Island. “We have grounded the aircrew and are conducting a thorough investigation and we will hold those responsible accountable for their actions.”

On the other hand, these patriots took part in a time-honored military tradition of marking the area under the protection of troops. It is a symbol that can be found on tables, port-a-johns, and many walls. It’s as if Batman himself was there to tell the good people of Okanogan that, “It’s okay. The Navy is here. You’re safe.”

If you think about it, the aircrew was just doing their heroic duty.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuc0I4ju2lY

‘Murica! (YouTube, Lunar Temptation)

But yeah. It’s a huge penis. A giant penis made out of the contrail of a E/A-18 Growler.

The aircrew may never fly again (we hope that’s not true, given pilot shortages), but their deeds will never be forgotten. The aircrew and pilots have not been identified, but if they did, the world owes them a beer. These memes are for you, you glorious bastards.

6. Bob Ross would have approved. He was in the military after all.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Image via Decelerate your Life)

5. It’s a show of force. It’s America saying we’re going to f*ck them up.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Image via Pop smoke)

4. You’ve never been forgotten, sweet prince.

 

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Image via Twitter)

3. No one can ever outdo this dick joke. This aircrew won.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Image via Pop smoke)

2. Basically, deployments are really about doing operator sh*t and drawing penises everywhere.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Image via Facebook)

1. It’s because he was inverted?

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Image via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

Articles

6 things corpsmen should know before going to the ‘Greenside’

There aren’t many jobs in the military where your sea-duty station consists of serving with another branch. But for the Navy rate of an “HM,” or Hospital Corpsman, that’s exactly where you can expect to find yourself.


After you graduate Field Medical Training Battalion, expect to get orders to the Marine Corps side of the house or what we call, the “Greenside” — sooner rather than later.

We call it the greenside because you’re going to wear a sh*t ton of green for the next three years.

Related: 4 unusual tasks Corpsman do that their recruiters left out

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Doc, meet the company first sergeant. (imgflip.com)

It can be pretty nerve-wracking for a Corpsman to cross over for the first time. But don’t worry, WATM has your back.

Check out what you should know about heading over to “Greenside.”

1. PT

You don’t have to be a marathon athlete, but don’t let your Marines ever see you fall out of a hike, a run, or get hurt — you’ll look like a p*ssy.

Be the exact opposite of this guy (giphy

2. Chugging a beer

Marines drink a lot of beer during barracks parties. So get your tolerance up and have a few I.Vs handy.

Finding new ways to drink is badass. Plus you’ll look cool. (giphy

3. Always be cool

Marines are trained to love their Doc — they’re also trained to kill. They’re going to look to you for advice from time-to-time. When your grunts do something right, congratulate them.

Great job, Lance Corporal! (giphy)

4. Know every line from “Full Metal Jacket”

Marines love that sh*t when you manage to work a line or two into a conversation. Oh, make sure you have a copy of the movie on your hard drive when you deploy; it’s the “unofficial” movie of the Marine Corps.

Any line will do, as long as it fits the conversation. (giphy)

5. Know your ranks

Marine ranks are different than Navy ones. A Marine Captain is an O-3, compared to a Navy Captain who is an O-6. Big difference.

“Do I look like I’m in the Navy to you!” (giphy)Learn to count chevrons. Senior NCOs’ collar devices can blend into their uniform, making it tough to make out their proper title. Find an alternate way to greet them properly, or you can just take the less populated walkways (aka the long way).

Also Read: 8 tips for ‘skating’ in the military

6. Learn sick call

Face it, the Navy has only given you officially 12-16 weeks worth of medical training. No one is going to ask you to perform open-heart surgery on your first day.

Marines are going to get sick and injured, and that’s your time to shine. When you’re working in the B.A.S., or “battalion aid station,” you’re going to have to explain why your patient is in sick call to the Independent Duty Corpsman or the doctor on staff. Knowing the medical terminology will earn you respect from the Navy doctor to the point they aren’t going to waste their time doing the second examination.

Getting your Marine a day off work or light duty is key. Impress your Marine and your life, and your heavy pack will seem lighter on a hike — it’s a beautiful thing.

Can you think of any more? Comment below.
Humor

5 stereotypes radio guys get stuck with

One of the most versatile specialties in the military is the radio operator. Whether they’re a full-fledged MOS or the product of, “Hey, you! We need someone on radio!” the radio guy is tasked with, well, manning the radios. From the S-6 kid who comes to fill the convoy’s radios before they head out to the dude who’s right there on the officer’s heels, radio operators take all forms. But no matter what role we’re filling or what task we’re doing, everyone seems to view us as, simply, “the platoon nerds.”


Also Read: 4 stereotypes platoon ‘Docs’ get stuck with

That’s not entirely without merit — if there’s smoke, there’s fire. You may know a commo guy who matches every point on this list, but it varies from troop to troop. That being said, these are the biggest stereotypes radio guys are stuck with.

5. We’re all nerds

Truth is, plenty of us are just as “bro” as the next guy in the unit. We’ll still go out to the bars and kick a few back, we’ll still watch the game with you, and we’ll still actually talk to girls. Just some of us are better at video games than others.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
This is still probably what most of our barracks rooms look like. (Photo by Cpl. Alfred V. Lopez)

Writer’s Note: I’m probably the worst person to counter this argument since I’ve written extensively about the military connections of Star Wars, video games, and comic books. Many radio guys aren’t like me — I would know. They usually don’t want to nerd out over Game of Thrones with me.

4. We can fix your computers

There are two sides to the Signal Corps coin: the radio guy and the computer guy.

The computer guy can probably get your computer up and running before you know it. Give us radio guys a SinCGARS that isn’t working and it’ll be done by the time you blink. Hand us your laptop then say, “it’s running slow,” and we’ll probably just look at it funny.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Then again, if you offer us a case of beer, we’ll give it a shot. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist Seaman Vance Hand)

3. We’re annoying as f*ck

This stereotype takes many forms. Since it’s our job is to communicate, a lot of us talk too much. Since it’s our job to correct others using improper radio etiquette, a lot of us use radio lingo off the net. Since there are some nerds in commo, a lot of us go on and on about that TV show you agreed to watch but never will.

That one is entirely on that one radio guy — don’t lump all of us in with him.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

2. We’re overly comfortable with our officers

The radio guys who actually are out on the line of a combat arms unit need to be at the heel of our officers at all time. If they need to call something in, we need to have that hand-mic ready for them.

This often gets misinterpreted as us being ass-kissers or suck-ups. In actuality, it’s because the 2nd Lt. can’t be trusted with the radio gear.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Think of us less like suck-ups and more like glorified pack-mules. (U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Shiloh Capers)

1. We’re all POGs

To be fair, yes, there are a lot of POGs in the signal world. Our Signal Corps counterparts can often be the furthest thing from “grunt” you can possibly imagine.

But POG is a state of mind, not an MOS. Just as you’ll see whiny infantrymen now and then, you’ll see some hardcore-as-f*ck radio guys. Hell, 18Es are Special Forces Communications and no one would ever dare call them POGs.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
18Es: Making radio guys look sick as f*ck since 1952. (Photo by Lance Cpl. Charles Santamaria)

Humor

6 ways troops act American AF while stationed overseas

One of the highlights of any military career is getting sent overseas to a new duty station. It’s a fantastic way for troops to engage a foreign culture, take in the sights, and work one-on-one with our great nation’s allies.


The thing is, no matter how many AFN commercials tell us to blend in with the host nation, Americans will always be Americans. There isn’t a damn thing wrong with that — but, sometimes, we overdo it.

1. Dressing casually

Troops will always dress like they did when they were back home. Even if a cloudy day on some tropical paradise is a bit too chilly for the locals, American troops from the northern states will still be out there drinking in jeans and a t-shirt.

American brand-name clothes are pricey overseas. So, if you see a local wearing blue jeans, they’re probably knock-offs. The nice pair of Levi’s troops picked up at Wal-Mart would cost an arm and a leg in Europe or Asia.

 

6 signs that you might be a veteran
You can try to fit in all you like, but your buzz cut or high-fade will give you away. (Photo by Pfc. Levi Schultz)

 

2. Speaking English overseas… loudly

Americans have a leg up on much of the world since, in many countries, it’s customary to learn English as a second language. This is especially true for the younger generations. Because of this, there’s much less of a drive to learn a local language fluently; troops usually just hope the locals speak English.

If someone takes the time to learn the local language outside of a handful of useful sayings, kudos. A large majority of troops don’t bother.

 

6 signs that you might be a veteran

3. Driving instead of taking public transportation

American public transportation isn’t the best in the world. So, many of us rely on driving everywhere we need to go. When Americans are stationed overseas, they often take their car with them instead of relying on local railways or bus systems.

It’s a convenience most Americans grew accustomed to that they’re not willing to give up, even if most things are within walking distance. A troop will either bring their own vehicle or buy one off of a service member rotating back to the States.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
And there are always vehicles in the resale lot. They’re pieces of junk…but they’re there. (Photo by Airman 1st Class Larissa Greatwood)

4. Flirting with confidence

American troops often talk to locals in nightclubs like they’re expecting a response of, “oh, you’re an American? How exotic!

Maybe the person they’re interested in likes the cocky American persona. Maybe they’re into shy bookworms they meet at coffee shops. Whatever the case, American troops will always confidently try to figure it out.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

5. Only taking in American pop culture

Every country around the world has their own distinct, modern pop culture — their own music, their own cinema, their own arts, etc. They also have American pop culture, which might outshine their own.

You can usually count on locals having seen the latest Marvel movie, heard the Billboard Top 40, and binge-watched everything on Netflix. American troops will probably skip local pop culture. Mostly because it’s probably not in English and subtitles aren’t for everyone.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Expect them to know what Star Wars is. Everyone has seen Star Wars. (Photo by Senior Airman Christopher Muncy)

 

6. Drinking towns overseas dry

There has been only one time in recorded history that a major city has had all of their alcohol stores run completely dry because of everyone drinking (it was Moscow after WWII). But goddamn do troops come close every first and the fifteenth.

Every nation likes to pretend they hold the title of the “world’s heaviest drinkers.” They obviously haven’t seen what it’s like when an entire unit comes back from Iraq or Afghanistan.

 

6 signs that you might be a veteran
We can clear out an entire bar and still make it to PT the next morning. (Photo by Staff Sgt. Jason Hull)

Articles

This is what happens when a Navy SEAL becomes an actor

Bravery is a thing you see every day in the military. In all branches, in moments great and small, it’s an expression of the fundamental courage it takes to put your life on the line for love of country and to serve those you swore to protect.

Former Navy SEAL David Meadows proved exemplary in this capacity, serving 11 years in some of the harshest theaters of war throughout the Middle East.


But unlike many of his fellow Oscar Mike alumni, Meadows chose, upon reentry, to translate his habituated bravery into a civilian arena that would, honestly, make most servicemen and women want to crawl out of their natural born skins…

Yeah, he became an actor.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
On the set of Banshee (2016) (Photo from IMDB)

And we can tell you from experience that there are few professions that require a more constant personal brokerage with public shame, mortal embarrassment, insecurity, and rejection — in short, all of the types of feelings that normal people avoid like their lives depend on it.

Being the Special Ops-trained bad ass that he is, though, Meadows surveyed this new theater of war and then dove in head first. Acting for a living takes guts.

“I think that if there is a magic left in the world…it’s really for a person to be affected, to be changed — by one human being actually affecting somebody else on a really human, natural, soulful level. Does that make sense? And performing artists have that power. And I thought…that’s absolutely amazing. And I want to be a part of that.”

To get a taste of the kind of courage an actor has to muster every day, Oscar Mike host Ryan Curtis visited Meadows at his acting studio in Los Angeles and submitted himself to a battery of drills that actors employ to help them behave truthfully under imaginary circumstances.

Each exercise is designed to increase physical sensitivity, dial up emotional availability, and to inure actors to the fear of ridicule that can shut them down at crucial moments. Like all high-stakes training, it’s effective — but it ain’t pretty.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Today’s lesson is clear: in a successful civilian life, emotional bravery matters. But you don’t have to take our word for it, you can just watch as Curtis cracks under the pressure and and begs to postpone the big payoff in the video embedded at the top.

Watch more Oscar Mike:

This Green Beret will make you a mental commando

The Marine Rapper will make you shake your Citizen Rump

This is why the future of motocross is female

This Iraq vet kayaker will make you rethink PTSD

This is what happens when a SEAL helps you with your lady problems

Humor

Top 10 ‘Terminal Lance’ comics from 2017

There are definitely differences between the branches of the military, which allow for healthy rivalries, but at the end of the day, serving in the military is a mindf*ck we all endured gives troops common ground based on similar experiences. That’s why you don’t have to be a Marine to appreciate the wry and insightful humor of Terminal Lance.


Created by Lance Corporal Maximilian Uriarte, Terminal Lance “pokes fun at the Marine Corps” from a grunt’s point of view. He focuses on his own experiences and observations from his time in the Marines, but vets from any branch can relate to the scenarios depicted (think getting ripped apart by your command, how a reveille wake-up call feels, or being hungover at morning PT).

And it’s spot on.

(Although every now and again, they fly right over this airman’s head. Please never tell me if you guys kill turtles at Twentynine Palms…)

Without further ado, here are my ten favorites from 2017:

10. “Fly Hard”

6 signs that you might be a veteran

I can’t get enough sky dick. Thank you for keeping it alive, Max.

9. “Secret Weapon”

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Mattis, you’re our only hope.

8. “Permanent Changes”

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Recruiters never really tell you that you could end up stationed in a sh*thole for four years, but there are ways around it.

7. “The Babysitter’s Club II”

6 signs that you might be a veteran

I was undoubtedly that officer. #sorrynotsorry

6. “Throwback Thursday”

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Come on, America. We can do better.

5. “Happy Easter 2017”

6 signs that you might be a veteran

I just want “Wagner Loves the Cock. Stay Woke.” on a t-shirt.

4. “New Joins”

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Time to go full metal b*tch on that Blue Ribbon…

3. “Grass Week” 

6 signs that you might be a veteran

“Soon” made me lol, but this is funny because it’s so true. We were doing Soviet-defense training when we should have been concentrating on guerrilla tactics and asymmetrical warfare and it always pissed me right off.

Whew! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

2. “You’re a Mean One II” 

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Too many military leaders are dead inside. This one hurts.

1. “Drill Instructor Academy”

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Drill instructors made me laugh — and then I got in trouble for laughing and they’d say more funny sh*t and I’d laugh and get in trouble and it went on like that until I graduated. I don’t know how they come up with the insane vitriol that they do, but I love it and I commend them.

Especially you, Technical Sergeant Gamble… wherever you are…

Check out Terminal Lance (if you somehow haven’t already?) — you can start right here with one of Max’s all-time favorites.

Let me know your favorites in the comments.

Humor

7 of the best drill sergeants to ever hit the screen, ranked

The scariest thing about joining the military is coming face-to-face with a legendary drill sergeant or, if you’re in the Marine Corps, drill instructor.


DIs tend to viciously yell, violently jump around, and throw your sh*t all over the place to get inside your mind and train you up to be a solid, enduring troop.

On several occasions, Hollywood has attempted to highlight the traits of an excellent drill sergeant on the big screen — many of these portrayals were, admittedly, pretty bad. However, they have managed to recreate the drill sergeant’s intensity and grim sense of humor a handful of times.

Related: 7 female TV detectives who’d make badass drill instructors

1. Maj. Benson Winifred Payne (Major Payne)

Technically, this character wasn’t a drill instructor, but he did train a group of misfit teens at a military academy. Payne’s training regiment wasn’t considered dull by any means; he managed to whip his recruits into ship-shape.

2. Sergeant. 1st Class Hulka (Stripes)

If you can train two future-Ghostbusters into soldiers, there isn’t a whole lot you can’t accomplish. Although he was injured during training, he must have left a stain on his crazy recruits’ minds, because they did graduate using the good ol’ razzle-dazzle.

3. Drill Sergeant (Forrest Gump)

This straight-talking drill sergeant got right up in Forrest’s face, spoke to him like a Soldier, and trained him up to be a future Medal of Honor recipient. Although this badass barely had any screen time, he made his presence widely known.

4. Staff Sgt. Fitch (Jarhead)

This on-screen badass used his outside voice and sported a trim, Marine mustache. His menacing demeanor and his ability to effectively use a chalkboard as a recruit head-catching device was pretty impressive.

5. Gunnery Sgt. Jim Moore (The D.I.)

Directed by and starring Jack Webb, The D.I. was centered around Gunnery Sgt. Jim Moore, a hardcore drill instructor that did everything in his power to train his recruits to be the best even when they didn’t believe in themselves, insulting them and comparing them to his 100-year-old grandma all along the way.

6. Gunnery Sgt. Emil Foley (An Officer and a Gentleman)

This badass drill instructor has no problem beating the sh*t out of his OCS students like they used to do back in the day. His strategy for producing the best naval officers is to break the weak and graduate the strong — an awesome tactic.

Also Read: 6 times Gunny Hartman was guilty of hazing

7. Gunnery Sergeant. Hartman (Full Metal Jacket)

Portrayed by real-life former drill instructor R. Lee Ermey, Gunnery Sgt. Hartman was fueled by real experiences from training young recruits. That authenticity is what ranks Hartman at the top of this list of DIs to hit the big screen.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

(Warner Brothers’ Full Metal Jacket)

Humor

5 ways your infantry training can help get you a date

As another Valentine’s Day rolls around the corner, a countless number of very single infantrymen are fully stocked in the barracks of your local military base. The ground pounders are well-groomed, employed, and are trained to kill everything they see, even in the pitch-black of night in awful terrain.


Now, who doesn’t want to date someone with those skills?

For all of our single infantrymen out there, don’t worry. If you’re looking for a date, we’ve got your six.

Related: 5 things you should know before diving into a ‘contract marriage’

Check out five ways your infantry training can help you score a date.

5. Let them know about B.A.H.

Dating leads to marriage and that leads to collecting a Basic Allowance for Housing. Potential spouses love that fact that they won’t ever become homeless. So, casually drop the idea of B.A.H. when the time is right.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
It’s true love now!

4. Choose a concealed vantage point to discreetly check them out.

You don’t want to look like a complete stalker by “popping your peepers” at someone you’re attracted to. That’s just creepy. Choose an area from which you have to look in their direction naturally and try and get a read on their personality. That way, you can devise a “way in” and cooly approach them.

6 signs that you might be a veteran

3. Show off those infantry muscles, but don’t be a douche.

You spent all day lugging around that heavy machine gun, so we’re sure you’ve built up some major muscles. Members of the opposite sex tend to like it when their potential mate looks like they can take care of themselves in sticky situations.

Wear a tight shirt, sure, but please don’t flex in the middle of the bar.

2. If you’ve deployed a lot, use the term “cultured” to earn those digits.

Many youngsters haven’t been away from home for extended periods of time. But a 21-year-old grunt probably already has one or two deployments under their belt. Remember and use the phrase, “I remember when I was in…” Simply add the country and recall that story in detail.

The more expertly you employ your bedtime voice here, the better your odds become.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
But maybe you should avoid using this story…

Also Related: 9 important things you realize when dating a veteran

1. Use the space or the lack of space at the bar to your advantage.

Grunts are trained to locate, close with, and destroy the enemy by fire and maneuver. In the dating world, the idea is sort of the same — minus the “destroy the enemy by fire and maneuver” part.

Instead, locate, close with, and engage them by using confidence and your ability to maneuver on the dance floor. Girls love when a guy can dance like a motherf*cker. Trust us; we’ve been divorced several times.

Articles

11 hiding spots for an E-4 to sham

Yeah. Sure. Not every E-4 has an engine room to hide out in, but there are plenty of other places to skate.


Now, there’s a fine line between when you just need a moment to yourself and when you’re screwing over your comrades — don’t be the guy who crosses this line.

If you need to hide, do it in a place where you’re only just a call away. That way you can keep shamming and your buddies can still cover for you.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
You can’t win wars without ’em. (Image courtesy of Under the Radar)

This list is purely for entertainment purposes. If you get caught and blame it on an article you read — that’s on you.

1. In plain sight

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

If you look like you’re squared away, people will assume you are…and will be none the wiser if you conveniently aren’t around when there’s a call for parade practice volunteers.

2. Sick Call

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Some say it’s “malingering.” Others say it’s “documenting it for the VA down the road.”

3.  Dental

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

As long as you actually show up, your leader shouldn’t see an issue with you getting your teeth taken care of.

4. Smoke Pit

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting)

How many times have we all heard the phrase “if you smoke, take five to ten. If you don’t, I need you to…”

There’s a lot of new faces around the smoke pit whenever they hear that.

5. Alterations

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Hey. You never know when the next Dress Uniform inspection is. Why not take the time to get it ready?

6. Post/Base Exchange (PX/BX)

6 signs that you might be a veteran

You’d be amazed at how lenient everyone becomes when you say the phrase “Anyone want anything from the shopette?”

#7. Inside a vehicle

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

Motor Pool Mondays. Someone has to check to see if the air conditioner is working or not.

8. Latrine

via GIPHYIf you got to go, you got to go. Just turn the sound off your phone before you play games.

 9. Charge of Quarters (CQ)

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Always try to get duty on a Thursday or the day before a four day starts. Who doesn’t want an extended weekend?

10. Barracks

6 signs that you might be a veteran

Be sure to use buzz words like “spotless” and “maintained” before sneaking off to play that new game you picked up earlier at the PX/BX.

11. Behind your rank

6 signs that you might be a veteran

It’s called a “Sham Shield” for a reason. Push that duty onto someone else while you wait for close of business formation.

*Bonus* At Fort Couch

If none of these places work for you and you just have to sham, PCS to Fort Couch. No one will get on you to do anything. You really will be on your “own f-cking program.”

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Why a zombie apocalypse will never happen on America’s watch

Let’s face it. The world likes — and America loves — zombie movies.


The idea of having to fight across the countryside and through clustered cities, cutting down hordes of the undead with a shotgun is enticing.

That’s why zombie movies and video games do so well. The “Resident Evil” franchise released its sixth film 20 years after its first video game hit the market. That’s a two-decade run for, “Zombies, but like, monsters, too.”

But, sorry, Milla Jovovich fans. There is no way that a zombie outbreak is taking over the U.S. or any allied country while the American military is around. Here’s how the U.S. would respond to a zombie outbreak, shutting it down quickly.

First, let’s assume that an entire country was ravaged before America geared up, just for funsies. (But, really, military human intelligence collectors and signal intelligence should have given us the heads up before a single town was wiped out). And let’s assume it’s a country that emphatically said the U.S. military wasn’t welcome, and that’s why the outbreak went on as long as it did.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Seriously, we’re always looking for somewhere cool to send these. We’d be happy to come hang out. (Photo: U.S. Army)

So, Russia is gone. (It’s the country that hates the U.S. the most, according to this recently Googled list). While the rest of the world is sad that they’ll never again see such awesome paratrooper music videos as Russia makes, it’s time for someone to put a stop to the epidemic.

Enter the U.S. military. If the Russian military managed to wipe out only 10 percent of their zombie population while trying to contain the outbreaks — a pretty low estimate for any modern military facing off against shambling, diseased civilians — that would leave approximately 130 million zombies for the U.S. to kill before they can cross any of the 12,421 miles of border.

In other words, varsity numbers.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Troops would probably pay for the chance to mow down zombies, even if it had to be done in the snow. (Photo: U.S. Air Force Airman 1st Class Javier Alvarez)

But America has a varsity military. On active duty, the U.S. has over 450,000 soldiers; 182,000 Marines; 323,000 sailors who man and support 274 battle force ships; and 325,000 airmen supporting and flying 5,032 aircraft.

And, Russia has good topography for containing zombies. Because of the mountain ranges (in black, below) and the Arctic Circle (in red), there are only a few places where zombies could conceivably break out of Russia to threaten the rest of the world in large numbers.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Zombies can only get out of Russia through some limited breakout zones, and that one to the east is pretty useless because it runs straight into the Sea of Okhotsk. (Map: Public domain. Graphics: crudely drawn by Logan Nye)

So, small contingents of the Navy can patrol the Arctic and a few dozen companies of POGs can guard the mountain ranges, picking off the few zombies lucky enough to make it through the mountain passes.

But the western and southern breakout zones could be huge problems for American allies and the world as a whole.

The southern breakout zones would give the zombies access to Kazahkstan and maybe Mongolia. The western gives a large front that hits Ukraine, Estonia, Latvia, and Finland. It also hits Belarus, but they hate America nearly as much as Russia does, so screw ’em.

And Russia’s population is centered near that breakout zone, meaning that most zombies will be in good shape when they try to pour into NATO.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
There’s nothing in so good a shape that it can resist an Apache, though. (Photo: Ministry of Defence)

So what could 632,000 ground combatants supported by the largest navy and the most advanced air force in the world possibly do against 130 million zombies?

Lol. They would kill an average of 205.7 zombies each, and it would be awesome.

The Navy would park multiple carriers in the Baltics and Barents seas. From there, they could fly strike aircraft and sensor platforms to find and target large clusters of zombies.

The Air Force would bring its own strike and ground attack planes as far east in Europe as they could hold the line. From there, A-10s and AC-130s would rain hot lead in support of ground pounders while B and F-series planes blanket the countryside with bombs.

Finally. Guilt-free carpet bombing is back.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
We’re going to need more zombies. (Photo: U.S. Air Force)

And sure, none of these are the headshots needed to permanently put down a zombie. But a few hundred pounds of explosives will mess up a zombie’s legs pretty badly, as will 30 mike-mike through the chest. Pretty sure that will make the infantry and other ground maneuver forces’ jobs a little easier.

Speaking of which, the Marine Corps and Army are going to love the most entertaining range they’ve ever held. Think about it. What sucks most about range days? First, being put on target detail. And, second, having to shut down the range every time a turtle wanders by.

Guess what? No one is going to order a range halt because of a turtle when a bio menace is marching towards Paris. And there’s no need for a target detail when the targets can be lured with the sound of gunfire.

So, the Marines and soldiers basically get to call shots to each other as they gun down crippled zombies over a couple of thousand miles of the Russian border. If the engineers can wait to shoot zombies long enough to dig a couple of trenches and raise concertina obstacles, it’ll delay the already wounded zombies even further.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
The best is going to be when people start stealing AAVs, tanks, and Strykers and driving them over zombies. (Photo: U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Xzavior T. McNeal)

And don’t think the artillery and mortarmen are going to let a chance to practice against undead targets pass them by.

The biggest challenge is going to be making sure that all those cavalry, infantry, etc. have enough ammo. But remember, American logistics troops train to maintain operations in a contested environment. This time, they would have completely safe roads, railways, and rivers to use without fear of significant enemy resistance.

Hell, the operation could probably be catered.

So soldiers and Marines could simply mow down the oncoming hordes, talking the machine guns and interchanging barrels to prevent a meltdown. No Milla Jovovich needed (though she would probably be welcome on a USO tour or something).

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Yeah. Probably welcome. (Photo: YouTube/Sony Pictures Entertainment)

Of course, the Navy SEALs can be used to clean out river deltas where zombies were washed downstream attempting a crossing, and the Green Berets can jump into zombie-held territory to try and train up survivors for resistance operations if they like.

But zombie operations are basically just the world’s easiest siege. None of the enemies can tunnel, or use weapons, or conduct coordinated military operations. Easy, peasy.

Articles

5 military leaders that would make great drinking buddies

There has probably never been a more symbiotic relationship than the one between a war-fighter and their alcohol. Roman Centurions and wine. Vikings and mead. Samurai and sake. American troops and whatever is cheapest on non-first and fifteenth weekends.


We have a storied history with our booze.

I like to think that I put my liver through its rounds, but looking through military history — damn. If I went drink for drink with some of the best, I’d get drunk under the table by the greatest minds the world has ever known.

This beer goes out to the badasses who have awesome stories to talk about over one — and who would still probably carry my ass back to the taxi.

5. William the Conqueror

6 signs that you might be a veteran
(Painting by John Millar Watt)

As the last ruler to successfully conquer England in almost a thousand years, William I lived up to the viking heritage of the Normans. For an over-simplification of what William did, think of Robert Baratheon from Game of Thrones.

The story goes, as King of England, William I threw lavish parties for his guests. Because he left his viking lifestyle and worries about consolidating power behind him, he became fat as f*ck.

To the point that his horse would be in great pain.

So how did this guy try to lose that weight? By going on an “all alcohol” diet. He wouldn’t do anything but drink. Contemporaries at the time wrote of this “illness and exhaustion from heat.”

This diet, surprisingly enough, didn’t lead to his death — unless you attribute him falling face first off his horse because it bucked his rotund rear off it. Then maybe.

4. Napoleon Bonaparte

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Napoléon visiting the cellars Moët Chandon in 1807. (Painting via Chateau Loisel)

The man most credited with why we open bottles of Champagne with a sword, Napoleon and his Hussars were famous for drinking the bubbly.

“Champagne! In victory one deserves it; in defeat one needs it” was Napoleon’s famous toast.

Napoleon and his men would frequent the hotel of Madame Clicquot, a beautiful business woman who was widowed young. The Emperor of France’s men would always try to woo her but she would just keep making money off their drunk asses.

3. Ulysses S. Grant

6 signs that you might be a veteran
General of the Army Grant (Colorized photo via History)

The stories of the 18th President of the United States and his drinking were historic when he was still a young officer. As a Captain, his drinking from the night before lead to a forced resignation by then Colonel Robert Buchanan. The two had mutual animosity for many years before then.

“I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals,” remarked Abraham Lincoln on Grant’s alcoholism.

The outbreak of the American Civil War brought him back into the fold where he would then rise to General of the Army with Major General Buchanan underneath him. At the age of 46, Grant won the 1868 election in a landslide and urged for the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment and the proper treatment of Native Americans.

2. George S. Patton

6 signs that you might be a veteran

The Father of American Armor himself shared his love with his armored divisions with a mixed drink he called “Armored Diesel.” He said it would build camaraderie within the division and pride.

The drink was made with many different bourbons, whiskeys, and scotches, however, the Patton Museum officially lists his drink as being: bourbon, shaved ice, sugar, and lemon juice.

“You can’t run an army without profanity; and it has to be eloquent profanity. An army without profanity couldn’t fight its way out of a piss-soaked paper bag.” — Patton on swearing.

Patton was also very close with another great WWII leader and alcohol enthusiast, Winston Churchill.

Which brings us to…

1. Winston Churchill

6 signs that you might be a veteran
250 cm^3/mL (or for those of you sh*tty at the metric system, 5.7 shots) was the minimum amount his doctor proscribed him per meal during his visit to the Prohibition era USA. (Photo via Quora)

There may be no military leader with a more celebrated and documented history with alcohol than Winston Churchill. Professor Warren Kimball of Rutgers authored several biographies on him saying, “Churchill was not an alcoholic because no alcoholic could drink that much!” He was amused when people said he had a “bottomless capacity” for alcohol.

“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” —Churchill on drinking in moderation.

He would drink heavily during every meal, including breakfast. In pure amazement, the King of Saudi Arabia said that “his absolute rule of life requires drinking before, during, and after every meal.”

Who would you grab a beer with? Let us know in the comment section.

Humor

5 reasons why it sucks to join the military from a military family

Families that are made of generations of proud military service members are one of the reasons why this country is so great.


Many troops join the service because their father, cousin, or even grandpa had served before them — which is badass. Now that the youngest generation is old enough, they want to carry on the family tradition of service.

It feels honorable — as it should — but coming from a large military family can have plenty of downsides, too.

Related: 17 images that show why going to the armory sucks

1. Branch rivalry

When you join the military, it becomes immediately clear how much competition goes on between branches. The Army and the Marines are constantly talking trash about who has won the most battles. The Navy and the Air Force will constantly debate over who has the better fighter pilots. The list goes on.

Now, imagine what Thanksgiving dinner will be like after two new, motivated service members from different branches have a few drinks — honestly, it sounds like the perfect setting for reality TV.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Alexandra Becerra and her brother, Air Force Senior Airman Andrew Murillo, spend some downtime together on the boardwalk at Kandahar Airfield, Afghanistan, Sept. 7, 2013. (U.S. Air Force photo by Senior Airman Jackie Sanders)

2. The grunt-POG divide

Grunts and POGs typically don’t get along. However, when two siblings are from the different occupations, they’ll put a ceasefire on any shit talking… for a while. The subject will arise in conversation eventually.

3. Bragging rights

The military is full of braggers. Although we might not openly say what we’ve done throughout our career, our “chest candy,” or ribbon rack, tells the story. Many siblings, however, will admit to their brothers or sisters what they’ve done to earn those ribbons.

Others might keep their stores to themselves, but if you’re family, you’re going to tell those tales.

4. Higher standards

It’s no secret that the military holds its troops to a higher standard in all things. Sure, some branches have more competitive rules than the others (Marines were looking at you), but when you run into your Army-infantry cousin, we guarantee that you two will conduct a quick inspection of one another before moving on with any conversation.

6 signs that you might be a veteran
Spec. Seth A. Bladen stands with his brother, 2nd Lt. Shane A. Bladen, for a quick snapshot after crossing paths aboard Camp Buehring, Kuwait, Sept. 14, 2007. (Photo by Cpl. Peter R. Miller)

Also Read: 5 reasons why you should’ve enlisted as a ‘Doc’ instead

5. No sympathy

Time and time again, we hear stories from veterans about how hard life was during war. In modern day, troops’ living conditions are like a five-star hotel when compared to our grandparents’ experiences in the Vietnam or Korean Wars.

So, when you tell grandpa about how you don’t have WiFi in certain spots of the barracks, don’t expect him to give a sh*t.

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