Humor

7 ways to tell if the new guy is obviously a CID agent

Within the Army's military police is the Criminal Investigation Command. They're like NCIS for the Army (the real one — not the TV show). They conduct investigations, collect criminal intelligence, provide forensic laboratory support, and, occasionally, they're assigned to a unit if they suspect something is wrong.


If CID catches wind of serious misconduct, they'll insert an agent into a unit through which they'll observe what's really going on. The chain of command might know what's going on, but no one in said unit is aware.

Now, we're not telling you this to put you on guard at all times — that'd be crazy. You should only suspect someone is secretly a CID agent if they show any or all of these signs.

Then you should absolutely be suspicious.

1. They're optimistic about the unit.

It's impossible to show up to morning PT both sober and ready for the day to begin. Anyone upbeat and cheery is not an organic piece of your unit.

Only warrant officers are authorized to smile — mostly because no one can find them and tell them they can't. (Photo by Senior Airman Kaylee Dubois)

2. They claim they don't know how to print out their ERB (or don't want to).

Their ERB is a dead giveaway. Every soldier loves bragging about themselves. At every possible moment, we love to remind people that, "actually, I have four certificates of achievement, not three."

Anyone who's not willing to engage in a proverbial pissing contest is clearly a 31D and not an 11B.

If they show off their challenge coin collection, it's not their ERB — thus proving they're an agent. (Photo by Spc. Tracy McKithern)

3. They don't brag about their previous unit (or claim they didn't have one).

Speaking of bragging, everyone also sh*t talks their current unit because the last one is always better.

Beware if you ever hear the phrase, "well, I mean, my last unit was okay. Nothing bad, but nothing special." Obviously, their previous, nondescript unit was CID.

Everyone's last unit was better — but their next unit will definitely be best. (Photo by Sgt. Thomas Crough)

4. They're unwilling to do dumb sh*t with you — but want to watch.

What kind of grunt isn't willing to throw their entire career away at a moment's notice because their buddy said, "hey, bro. Watch this"? CID agents, that's who!

Chances are, they'll be sitting there with their beer, taking mental notes to use against you in court.

Don't worry, it's not the soldier taking "notes" on a clipboard — they're just trying to get out of work. (Photo by Sgt. Jon Heinrich)

5. They're always asking how your weekends were.

Immediately after a four-day weekend, normal people will make small talk by saying, "how was your weekend?" We're not here to burst your bubble, but this isn't because they actually care about what you did. It's a hollow gesture. Nobody actually cares that you just stayed drunk in the barracks, playing video games.

If there's even the slightest note of sincerity in their voice, it's a CID Agent trying to get you to spill the beans about what you did.

All the CID agent did over the break was prepare his sworn statements against you. (Photo by Sgt. Avery Cunningham)

6. They're a lower enlisted who actually knows regulations (other than the loopholes).

If pressed on the spot, every response to any regulation should be, "Ah, crap. It's, uh... AR-6... One sec..." followed by an immediate Googling of the answer. The only time a troop should be able to spout off regulations off the top of their head is if they're an NCO.

If they know the regulation, they're trying to pinch you on that law.

It's the little things, like showing up on Mondays with a fresh haircut. That's something CID agents do. (Photo by Sgt. 1st Class Alejandro Licea)

7. They actually pay attention to safety briefs.

No one cares about what is being said at the safety brief before the weekend starts — not even the person giving the safety brief. That's why it's the same stuff repeated week in, week out.

The typical CID agent probably just wants to get home to watch their copy of Jack Reacher for the 7th time this week, but they're still trying to blend in with the unit and pretend like they're not breaking any rules themselves.

You never know who's secretly a CID agent and who's just a nice person. Stay woke. (Photo by Staff Sgt. Steven Colvin)

GEAR & TECH

6 of the most notable pre-M16 military guns

Throughout history, the U.S. Military has used a wide variety of guns to win its battles. Prior to the M16, there were several weapons used across the service throughout some of the most devastating wars the world has ever seen.

Here are some of those weapons:

Keep reading... Show less
Articles

How R. Lee Ermey's Hollywood break is an inspiration to us all

While there have been many outstanding actors and celebrities who have raised their right hand, there has never been a veteran who could finger point his way to the top of Hollywood stardom quite like the late great Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey.

Keep reading... Show less
International

China and the US could end up in a war – here's what would happen

It's unlikely that the U.S.-China trade dispute is going to escalate to a full-scale war any time soon — but it's not impossible. Neither side is inclined to go to war with the other, but a war of that scale is what both plan to fight. All it would take is one bungled crisis, one itchy trigger finger, one malfunctioning automated defense system and the entire region could become a war zone.

Keep reading... Show less
Lists

Here are the best military photos for the week of April 20th

The military is always evolving and new things happen every day. With each changes comes a new set of challenges and new opportunities to succeed. Thankfully, there are many talented photographers in the community that capture these struggles and triumphs.

Keep reading... Show less
History

5 ways troops accidentally 'blue falcon' the rest of the platoon

Every now and then, the pricks known as 'Blue Falcons' come and ruin things for everyone else. They break the rules and make everyone else suffer. They rat out their brothers- and sisters-in-arms. They even damage the reputation of others to make themselves look better.

Keep reading... Show less
Articles

Why I'm thrilled Brie Larson will play Captain Marvel

Look, the Marvel Cinematic Universe is really lighting my fires when it comes to their female superheroes.

When Marvel Studios announced they would be bringing Captain Marvel to the big screen, I was thrilled. I was also immediately invested and my expectations shot through the roof.

Keep reading... Show less
History

This is how American pilots used drop tanks as bombs during WWII

If you pay attention, you might sometimes see long, cigar-shaped pods firmly attached to the undersides of classic fighter and attack aircraft, sometimes with unit markings on them.

Known as "drop tanks," these simple devices extend the range of the aircraft they're hooked up to by carrying extra usable fuel. Back during World War II, however, attack pilots found a secondary use for drop tanks as improvised bombs, used to bombard enemy ground positions.

Keep reading... Show less

The hilarious ways Chinese police are combating jaywalkers

China is so desperate to stop jaywalkers it has turned to spraying them with water.

In Daye, in the central Hubei province, one pedestrian crossing has had a number of bright yellow bollards installed that spray wayward pedestrians' feet with water mist.

Keep reading... Show less