Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job - We Are The Mighty
Humor

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

You’ve got your DD-214 in hand, you’ve taken off the uniform for the last time, and you’ve likely set fire to the road as you head off to a new life beyond service. A new life, however, usually means a new job.


School is probably the most pressing thing on your radar but, eventually, you’re going back to work. You’ve been through some pretty gnarly stuff and you’ll be an incredible asset wherever you land. There are, however, some habits you may have picked up during your time in uniform that will not translate into the civilian workforce. Some of it is because, yes, “snowflakes” abound, but some of it just doesn’t quite fit in your new world.

Below are seven things you should never do at your new, post-service job.

Related: 7 of the top surprises veterans face going to school

1. Eat that leftover food in the fridge

Depending on what you did in service, this may not be a thing for you. If you were a shift worker, however, you know that leaving things in the fridge (marked or not) is a roll of the dice.

The bigger the fridge, the lower your odds. I, personally, hated that, but it is definitely a thing. Your new job likely won’t care that you thought Etta Mae’s meatloaf smelled too delicious to pass up.

Also, people do this kind of stuff:

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
No doubt in my mind, the response was written by the other veteran in the office. (Image via Reddit).

 

2. Be sarcastic

Yes, sarcasm is a tool. It is the release of the slow-burning rage that builds within the often misunderstood. It’s also a great way to be viewed as an asshole at your new gig.

Sure, in the military, when you’re outranked by someone much younger than you, you’re instinctually trained to react sarcastically. In the civilian world, that same kind of disconnect can be jarring for the already-adjusting veteran. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but even if your manager looks like a pimple-nosed teen, keep that sarcasm pent up.

 

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

Pictured: Veteran’s involuntary response when asked if they’ve ever shot a gun (Image from Hemdale Film Corporation’s Vampire’s Kiss).

3. Respond with aggression… to anything

Aggression is a great thing to have in a lot of military settings. Being aggressive and swift to act is what’s expected from pretty much the whole military.

At your new job? Not so much.

Sure, aggression is still useful and can get you through a lot of doors, but it can also rub a lot of people the wrong way. Try to dial it back a few levels whenever possible — and call it, ‘assertiveness.’

 

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
This is not the correct way to deal with the office dumb*ss. (Image from Universal Pictures’ Wanted).

4. Begin any email with, “per my last email”

We all know that whatever follows is intended to politely tell the recipient to go f*ck or unf*ck themselves. That’s probably not going to go over very well here.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
This is just the beginning of a line of pettiness that you should avoid. (Image by Reddit).

 

5. Initiate a “smoke session”

In the civilian world, this is literally abuse. It isn’t only a fireable offense, but depending on where you are and how they want to play it, you could end up having to talk to the other boys in blue. You’re definitely going to have a find a new way to motivate whatever subordinates you have.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
These days are definitely in your rearview mirror. (Image via Rally Point).

 

6. Tell any jokes you heard while serving

They just won’t get it. At all. They’ll laugh, uncomfortably, and then you’ll slowly stop receiving invites for post-work drinks from everyone but that other veteran in the office.

He’s more f*cked up than you.

Also read: 7 military things that somehow get you fired in the civilian world

 

7. Talk about the times you almost died

You don’t realize it, but you’ve got the 1000-yard stare going so hard when you try to paint the picture of your near-death experiences. It freaks the civilians out.

Save it for group — or drinks with that other veteran after a long day at your new job.

 

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
We all have, Jack. (Image from Cartoon Networks’ Samurai Jack).

Humor

4 of the worst National Anthem performances ever

Performing the National Anthem is always a privilege. When famous performers take center-stage at the biggest venues, they pull out all the stops and dig deep into the depths their talent to make their country proud. Oftentimes, what follows is something truly amazing. If you look up some past performances from major sports leagues’ all-star and championship games, you’ll some absolutely fantastic displays of vocal acumen and musical mastery.


Unfortunately, the gravity of such a task can sometimes push performances to the opposite end of the spectrum. Whether it’s a good performer taking too many liberties or simply a plain ol’ bad singer doing the best they can, these are four of the worst National Anthem performances, ever!

Related: 7 of the best National Anthem performances in Super Bowl history

4. Fergie — 2018 NBA: All-Star Game

Fergie has spent the past few days apologizing for putting on one of the worst National Anthem performances in recent years. Today’s microwave culture make 2011 feels like ages ago, but that’s exactly how far back you’d have to go to find an anthem of this magnitude delivered this poorly.

Fergie is a decent singer, in most cases, but this was an absolute debacle. No excuses, Fergie. You’ve got to do better… much, much better.

(MLG Highlights | YouTube)

3. Christina Aguilera — Super Bowl XLV

Christina Aguilera has some of the best pipes in modern music, but she also has a well-earned reputation for going a little over the top.

Normally, her riffs and adlibs sprinkle the perfect amount of X-Tina flair on a recording, but here, almost none of it lands and the anthem ends up muddied and nearly unrecognizable.

(Christina Aguilera TV | YouTube)

2. Carl Lewis — 1993 NBA: Bulls v. Nets

Carl Lewis was once the fastest man in the world and a multi-discipline Olympic medalist. Being that awesome at something has to translate to other areas — just not singing.

Why he felt compelled to do something so far outside of his realm of expertise is beyond me. This is shower singing gone about as bad as you can go.

(santana3212 | YouTube)

Also Read: 5 reasons the USMC Blue Dress A is the greatest uniform of all time

1. Rosanne Barr — 1990 MLB: Padres v. Reds

This is, unquestionably, the Whitney Houston of bad National Anthem performances. To be honest, this one’s so bad that it’s almost good.

(ultimatejonasfans | YouTube)
Articles

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Jul. 1

It’s America Weekend! If you’re not already on a four-day, we are so sorry and we want to know what’s wrong with your command just as much as you do.


Whether you’re stuck on duty, working some post-DD-214 civilian job, or just waking up from the first barracks party of the weekend, here are 13 of the week’s funniest military memes:

1. Word is that if he actually donated his own blood, every recipient would go super saiyan (via Military Memes).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

2. “Guys, I’m already just faking half of my duties.”

(via Pop Smoke)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

SEE ALSO: After 50 years, a heroic Huey pilot will receive the Medal of Honor

3. “Oh crap.”

(via Marine Corps Memes)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

4. “Hello, tank. Some guys on the ridge took pop shots at us.”

(via Military Memes)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
“Could you –” BOOM! “Yeah, that probably did it.”

5. The famed Pillsbury Dough Chief (via Military Memes).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

6. So many certificates, so little learning (via Air Force Memes Humor).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
There’s supposed to be another joke right here.

7. First step to any military plan: Get everything clean (via Team Non-Rec).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Second step: Inspections.

8. “Do not mouth off to the NCOs, do not mouth off –”

(via The Salty Soldier)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Remember: That first sergeant is likely to be on the promotion board.

9. That toll booth operator told this story at every party for the net ten years (via Military Memes).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Seriously tank, you could’ve driven on the grass, across the parking lot, through the booth, anywhere.

10. Better submit that ticket before the keyboard starts burning too (via Coast Guard Memes).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Forget the fire extinguisher. The computer guys will bring one with them.

11. “So, you’ll start by taking the ASVAB …”

(via Do You Even Marine, Bro?)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

12. The F-35 is always in trouble (via Air Force Nation).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

13. The E-4 mafia gets saltier and saltier every year (via The Senior Specialist).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Maybe it’s because the specialists have given up on getting promoted.

Humor

9 weapon fails that will make you shake your head

Shooting a weapon is an incredible experience that you never forget. Squeezing that trigger can make any gun owner smile from ear-to-ear.


On the other hand, many gun owners have no freakin’ clue how to hold the weapon and accurately fire it at a target without getting hurt.

Properly handling weapons is not that hard, but for some reason, lots of people just don’t get it. They forget the first rule: safety is key.

There are safety rules put in place for a reason, but countless people throughout the globe treat their weapons as if they were toys — and many end up having accidents in the process.

Related: This is the upgrade M2 Browning fans have been waiting for

1. We wish all enemy forces were a dumb as this guy.

How long have we been at war with these guys? (Image via Giphy)

2. And the award for best shooting position goes to…

We call this is the “rock squat.” (Image via Giphy)

3. What an excellent way to hold a rifle.

We are curious what the hell he was aiming at. (Image via Giphy)

4. He should have worn cargo pants.

At least he was wearing underwear. (Image via Giphy)

5. A good reason why it’s important to properly stow all of your weapons safely.

Everyone is a badass until shit gets real. (Image via Giphy)

6. Pointing your weapon down range is one of the most important aspects of hitting your target. You don’t become a marksman by shooting the damn ground.

Pew pew pew. (Image via Giphy)

7. When your dog handles a weapon better than you do.

This isn’t a weapon fail, it’s just freakin’ funny. (Image via Giphy)

8. Do we really need to reinvent the electric toothbrush?

Introducing the airsoft powered toothbrush. (Image via Giphy)

Also Read: Here’s why flamethrowers were so deadly on the battlefield for both sides

9. Well, at least that soldier almost threw the grenade three feet.

They take training for war to the next level. (Image via Giphy)

Articles

This poor Abrams tank got stuck in the mud — then got un-stuck

Look, it can happen to just about any vehicle. They get stuck in the mud. Still, it’s not nice to laugh about the situation. SHOW SOME DARN RESPECT!


Here, we can see that an M1A1 Abrams is pretty thoroughly stuck. However, some wise-cracking NCOs got to work to get the tank out.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
An M1 Abrams stuck in the mud. (YouTube screenshot)

The M1A1 is about 70 tons, has a gas turbine engine (turn on the sound if you don’t believe us!) that delivers up to 1,500 horsepower, and is armed with a 120mm main gun as well as a .50-caliber M2 machine gun, along with two M240 7.62mm machine guns, one of which is mounted coaxially.

Surprisingly, it doesn’t take long to get the tank out of the mud. Which begs the question: just how long was this poor Abrams left stuck in the mud? Why was it left sitting there when it could have been out so quickly?

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
The tanks backs out, getting free of the obstacle. (Youtube screenshot)

Here’s the video, and judge for yourself if there is a need for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Armored Fighting Vehicles.

Humor

7 epic ‘gearing up’ montages from action movies you love

When an action film needs to let the audience know what gear the good or bad guys have in the arsenal, they turn to the epic cinematic tool that is the “gearing up” montage.


Also known as a “lock and load” montage, the idea is to get the audience pumped up in the seats for the action sequences that are coming their way.

Related: 7 awesome weapon arsenals in the movies

So check out our list of awesome gearing up montages, and be sure to let us know which ones we left off.

1. Commando

When on a mission to recuse his kidnapped teenage daughter from the bad guys, nothing said ’80s action movie like this epic gearing up montage with Ahhnold.

That camouflage paint will allow you to blend into any environment … in the broad day light.

2. The Batman movies

Producers love showing the caped crusader gear up against DC’s most villainous characters — even adding in a few butt and crotch shots.

“I’m Batman, and this is my crotch.” (Kevin Stock, YouTube)

3. Hot Fuzz


Icarus Prime, YouTube

After a motivated cop relocates to a dull town where a murder hasn’t been committed in over 20-years, he’s bound to uncover something. But when he stumbles upon the town’s dark secret, he uses some big guns from the fully stocked arsenal to save the day.

4. Raw Deal

Of course Arnold made this list twice.

Mattias Eriksson, YouTube

5. Loaded Weapon 1

If you haven’t seen this hilarious early ’90s spoof, you’re totally missing out.

He put on a pearl necklace. That’s classic. 

Also Read: 9 things that would be different if Chuck Norris led the Bin Laden raid

6. Rambo: First Blood Part II

Tying the laces of your boots never looked so tough.

7. Hot Shots: Part Deux

The ultimate Rambo spoof.

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Articles

These 17 hilarious reviews of MREs from troops in the field will bring back memories

If there’s one thing the DoD can count on soldiers to be bluntly honest about, it’s the food. In 2005, 400 soldiers from Fort Greely, Alaska, were asked to taste test a new menu of Meals, Ready to Eat for anything that might stand out to them.


There were a lot of standouts.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Fort Greely is one of the coldest places in the U.S. military. This is how they warm up. Probably. (U.S. Army photo by Staff Sgt. Daniel Love)

Fort Greely’s finest filled out the evaluation forms, which were then compiled and sent to the DoD office that manages the procurement of field rations. Grunts don’t pull punches. That’s kinda the whole point of their job.

The main result was that U.S. troops got new MREs. Luckily for us, the Smoking Gun got their hands on the actual reviews and some of the comments are gold.

1. Shakespeare:

“Cheese spread with bread is never a liked mix. Anger is usually the result.”

2. The prophet:

“I noticed this meal # was 666…I will probably die of a massive heart attack thank you for feeding me possessed food.”

3. The skeptic:

“This donut is just a brownie in a circle with crappy “frosting” what are you trying to pull?”

4. The poet:

“I believe it was the dinner meal that caused this (Chicken and Dumplings), but it sounded like a flatulence symphony in my tent all night.”

5. The biographer:

“I have disliked cabbage since childhood.”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

6. The drama queen:

“Oh my god what were you thinking… don’t give cabbage to a soldier ever again even POWs deserve better.”

7. The fortune teller:

“The entree will only be eaten if you haven’t eaten all day.”

8. The PR Rep:

“Maybe change the name ‘Chicken Loaf,’ [it] scares me.”

9. PFC Gung Ho:

“Put Ranch Dressing on everything! Airborne!”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

10. The guy who’s wrong about everything:

“F*ck hot sauce [put] gummy bears inside.”

11. Sgt. WTF:

“Tabasco is good in your coffee.”

12. The Obvious Sapper:

“Change the Ranger bar name to ‘Sapper Bar'”

13. The Stream of Consciousness:

“5 Veg ravioli ‘friggin’ sucks. Spiced apple ‘friggin’ rock. Apple cinn. Pound cake taste like cheap perfume. (Friggin). Is chocoletto a foreign Name crap? Pizza anything friggin rocks! Gum is good.”

14. Staff Sgt. TMI:

“This new menu has me using the latrine 3x a day.”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
The Post-MRE Experience we all know.

15. Sgt. Maj. No Chance:

“Please bring back cigarettes.”

16. Pvt. Ungrateful:

“Jerky is very, very good. How many years did it take to figure that out?”

17. Sgt. Missing the Point:

“The name should be fiesta breakfast party. That would be funny.”

“The vanilla pudding is so good I ripped it open, Licked the inside and rolled around on top of it like a dog. I prefer not to eat anything called loaf but in this case I made an exception… thank god I DID.”

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of July 7

Shake off that hangover from the four-day weekend, everyone. There’s a normal weekend coming up and we can’t just neglect these parties because last week’s were too epic.


Slam a case of Rip-Its, get some giggles from these military memes, and treat your safety brief like a To-Do list.

1. Play that funky music, white boy (via Funker530).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
But also, find a surgeon for your buddy’s traumatic brain injury.

2. Might keep the other branches from knowing what you’re eating …

(via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
… but actually increases the chance that your crayons are stolen.

ALSO SEE: This is what happens when the Army puts a laser on an Apache attack helicopter

3. Everyone wants to be an operator until it’s time to do trauma surgery (via Weapons of Meme Destruction).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
This duo’s one-liners are drier than any martini.

4. Bet she gets selected for all the good details. And the bad ones.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

5. Oooh, if they get really mad, they’ll start comparing commissioning dates (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

6. One is a surgeon, the other a butcher (via Valhalla Wear).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
This is why machine gunners are more popular at parties. They bring more party favors.

7. Doesn’t matter which branch you join (via Decelerate Your Life).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
It’s not the budget. It’s the personnel.

8. Upon further reflection, maybe too few recruits isn’t the worst problem (via ASMDSS).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Better to not have enough armorers than to have these armorers.

9. For that much money, I’ll become a pilot (via Air Force amn/nco/snco).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
I’ll even pay for my own flight lessons.

10. No one will know (via Shit my LPO says).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Probably a submariner. They’re experts in staying secret.

11. Oh, you thought you might see your family before you leave for a year or more?

(via Decelerate Your Life)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
It’s all essential training. Now get in there and learn not to sexually assault one another.

12. The difference between “sick call” and “calling in sick” is wider than most civilians think (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Like, only one of those things works at all.

13. Powerpoint Ranger, Powerpoint Ranger, where have you been?

(via Military World)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Around the shared drive, and back again.

Articles

Gene Hackman’s response on why he joined the Marines is TV gold

“I couldn’t get laid.”


That’s the reason actor Gene Hackman gave to former late-night talk show host David Letterman as an explanation for why he joined the Marine Corps.

At the young age of 16, Hackman dropped out of high school and used his acting ability to convince his way into enlisting in the Marine Corps.

In 1947, the acclaimed actor completed boot camp and was quickly sent off to serve in China as a field radio operator. Hackman also spent time serving in Hawaii and Japan.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Young Marine Cpl. Gene Hackman. (Source: Pinterest)

Related: 70+ celebrities who were in the military

During his time in the Corps, Hackman was demoted three times for leaving his post without proper authorization.

After Hackman had been discharged, the San Bernardino native went on to study journalism and TV production at the University of Illinois. By 30, he had broken into a successful acting career and would be nominated for five Academy Awards and winning two for his roles in “The French Connection” and “Unforgiven.”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

Hackman is credited with approximately 100 film and TV roles and is currently retired from acting.

Also Read: Here’s how Hollywood turns actors into military operators

Check out Zschim‘s channel to watch Gene Hackman’s epic response to TV show host David Letterman’s question for yourself starting at 29:10.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z5onX0SQME
(Zschim, YouTube)
Humor

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Oct. 13

Another week down. Everything in the news is still terrible.


The White House is imploding. Hollywood is imploding. There’s a Friday the 13th in October.

But you know what you can count on?

Memes. And we have the best military memes around.

1. Nobody wants to work on weekends. Or ever. (via Pop Smoke)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
You can also apply this to any girlfriend I’ve ever had.

2. If you thought the news from Hollywood was bad…

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
He may not be surprised that we’re still in Afghanistan though.

Read: 6 reasons why it would suck to be a Stormtrooper in Star Wars

3. At least the Army keeps it interesting.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Does this mean they have to bring back DCUs for Iraq and Afghanistan?

4. Blueberries are the new bell bottoms. (via Sh*t My LPO Says)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
I thought they swabbed decks.

5. Veterans day is coming. You can almost taste the free food.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Vets are getting more aggressive with it every year.

Also: 11 things your platoon medic would never say

6. Grandpa is sick of your bullsh*t. (via Decelerate Your Life)

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Be frightened of old sailors. I am.

7. It’s not just good advice. It’s reality.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

8. It’s the Navy birthday, but the Coast Guard can still ruin the party.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

Now: This Desert Storm gun is a favorite for special ops units

9. For some reason Veterans declared war on JROTC last week.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
They’re all gonna get officer ranks for this. If they, you know, survive.

10. If you know how this started, drop us a line.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
That kid doesn’t even have a single merit badge, I bet.

11. It ain’t about the merit badges, it’s about the freshman next to you.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
At least there’s no hot weapons. Because they’re in high school.

12. JROTC is the calm before the storm.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
That’s true bearing and discipline.

13. JROTC: Send us your best responses.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Veterans only respect strength. They better be good.

Bonus: More of the best JROTC Memes. Enjoy your weekend!

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
via Decelerate Your Life

 

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Zapp Brannigan had 30 Merit Badges as a Freshman.

Also Read: 11 regional American foods we’d like to see in MREs

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Operator AF.

 

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
via Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said.

Humor

6 of the least effective ‘training’ exercises that soldiers will love

Coming up with a training exercise that is engaging is required of every junior NCO on a weekly basis. If a leader trusts their Joes, this should be a time to reward his or her troops with something that is less useful and more enjoyable.

You can cut your troops some slack and tell the higher-ups that you’re focusing on team building and squad integrity through less intensive tasks if you re-title the exercises carefully. Hell, if it works for NCOER bullets, why can’t it work for training?


If all goes according to plan, the Joes should be out of there faster than first sergeant can say, “zonk.”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

Translation: “Send them back to the barracks and have them clean until whenever.”

(Photo by Sgt. 1st Class Jason E. Epperson)

Proper cleaning of living spaces

“Hygiene is important to the health and wellbeing of the soldiers. They are tasked with ensuring their personal living accommodations are kept in good order to mitigate the risk of illness. They will continue until satisfactory.”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

Translation: “Let them play video games.”

(Photo by Sgt. 1st Class Randall Pike)

Cost-effective combat simulations

“Combat readiness is a must. In the interim between field exercises and live-fire ranges, we must also test troops’ skills in a simulated battle zone. To do this, we will forgo any expenses from the unit’s budget and rely on the tools available.”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

Translation: “Send them on a PX run.”

(Photo by Spc. Taryn Hagerman)

Procuring supplies in an urban environment

“Soldiers must always know how to gather necessary supplies in any location. This includes securing means of hydration, food, and whatever else may be mission-critical. An ability to come by these in a densely populated region is as vital as any other.”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

Translation: “Have them just go on a computer and hope they do their SSD1.”

(Photo by Staff Sgt. James Kennedy Benjamin)

Discovering knowledge of the world around them

“We live in an ever-changing and interconnected world. To keep troops informed, each troop has their own means of communication. They are also encouraged to conduct correspondence courses while there.”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

Translation: “Grab a bite to eat with your troops.”

(Photo by Maj. Ramona Bellard)

Proper dieting practices

“A sign of a true leader is knowing how their troops eat when not in the field. Keeping troops at peak performance is mission-critical and great dieting practices are a force multiplier.”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job

Translation: “Just send them home and hope they don’t do anything stupid along the way.”

(Photo by Staff Sgt. Mark Burrell)

Land navigation in a familiar setting

“Given two points that a troop is very familiar with, plot a point and execute a maneuver between the company area and the location of their barracks. Given that most transportation in-country is done via vehicles, it would behoove them to get to their destination with whatever vehicle necessary. Expedience is key.”

Humor

7 different types of MPs you’ll face at the gate

These brave, young military police officers are the first people you’ll see as you enter the front gates, and they’re the last people you’ll spot as you exit.


The military police protect you from the various threats trying to make it on base, and carefully watch the criminals that are locked up — and the sh*t isn’t easy.

But who are these men and women who undertake this serious job? Well, we’re about to show you.

Related: 6 types of enlisted ‘docs’ you’ll meet at sick call

1. The over-the-top nice guy who is just excited to be in the military.

He’s also the guy you thought you could out-run if you needed to, but he was a track star in high school. You’ll find out the hard way.

Yes. They will issue him a service pistol very soon.

2. That Marine MP who is just looking for a reason to subdue you.

“Lie to me one more time.”

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Marine Sgt. Shawn Brown shows the proper armlock technique during a guard training class to the Royal Tongan Marines.

 

3. The cute one who makes every troop want to wait in her lane at the gate, even if it’s backed up, just to say, “hey.”

Who cares if we’re late for morning muster?

 

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
(Image from U.S. Army)

 

4. The chill teddy bear that knows everybody who enters the gate.

This military policeman still halts every car… just to say, “hello.”

 

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
“Looking good, Mr. Peterson.”  (Image from Wikipedia Commons)

 

5. The MP officer with a criminal law degree that can see right through your bullsh*t.

Don’t look directly at him, we think he knows about the stripper in the trunk…

 

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
He can read all your secrets just from your pupil dilation. (Image from Security Forces Squadron)

 

6. The soldier who is just itching to deploy, but first he needs to check your identification.

It’s not that just because they are motivated, it’s just they want to make an impact, somehow.

 

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
(U.S. Army photo by Sean Kimmons)

 

Also Read: 5 of the sneakiest ways people try to fool the front gate MPs

7. Rambo’s little sister.

She’s out to earn her respect and she can kick your ass if she wanted to.

 

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
U.S. Army Spc. Adrianna Williamson, 221st Military Police Detachment military police patrolman is ready to go. (U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Wesley Farnsworth)

Humor

5 reasons why you should’ve enlisted as a ‘Doc’ instead

“Pecker checker,” “silver bullet bandit,” and “devil doc” are just a few of the nicknames used to describe your platoon medic or corpsman.


Most people can’t stomach the thought of sticking a thermometer up someone’s ass to get a core temperature, but that’s one of the many responsibilities of being a “Doc.”

Although that part of the job doesn’t so great, being a doc has tons of advantages, provided you have your sh*t together.

Related: 6 things you didn’t know about sick call

So, check out these five reasons why you should’ve enlisted as a doc.

5. Spread loading out your gear

When you’re serving in a grunt unit, you’re going to have to carry a mobile ER on your back, including all the staples, like I.V. solution, tons of pressure dressings, and splints.

Since the squad wants their doc to be as mobile as possible, we commonly get our brothers to carry some of the additional heavy, situational stuff. That way, we can haul the more critical sh*t, like cans of Rip It and extra packs of smokes.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
Thanks for carrying all that, bro. Let me know if you want a sip of this delicious energy drink.

4. The power of negotiation

Good medics are often given a lot of power, and they need to remember to use those perks carefully. We usually obtain the power to give our troops “sick-in-quarters” slips and “light duty” forms without question from our higher command.

This power gives us the leverage to get other troops to do sh*t for us, like taking my next duty or carrying our packs on a platoon hike. It’s a great, low-overhead trade-off.

3. No one (outside of your squad) can f*ck with you

Your squad members will punch out anyone because they don’t want anything to happen to their doc. However, if you want your boys coming to your aid, you need to be good at your job or else you’re f*cked and walking back to base with a bruised eye.

It just wasn’t his day. (Image via GIPHY)

2. You get the best of both worlds

This section is for the Navy Corpsman stationed on the “Greenside.” After you earn the respect of your peers, you can find ways to distance yourself from activities you don’t want to do (hiking), and then volunteer yourself for things you find interesting (kicking door the bad guys’ door in Afghanistan).

Most of the time, we can get out of crappy activities by saying, “Sergeant, I need to run over to the battalion aid station for a few.” It can be that simple.

Also Read: 6 things corpsmen should know before going to the ‘Greenside’

1. The safety vehicle

Remember earlier when I said you could find ways to distance yourself from hikes? The best way to do it is to pull safety vehicle duty and comfortably drive around while watching the others crawl up the mountainside in a full combat load.

The downside? If you need to crawl up a mountainside in Afghanistan and you’ve skipped all the hikes, you’re probably not conditioned enough.

You don’t want to fall out of any hike while on a combat deployment.

Bonus: You get to save lives!

There’s nothing better than that.

Top 7 things veterans should never do at their new job
This combat medic starts an I.V. on a soldier during training. (Image from Wikipedia Commons)

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