Master Sergeant George Hand US Army (ret) was a member of the 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta, The Delta Force. He is now a master photographer, cartoonist, and storyteller.
Being the unit's cartoonist is an incredible responsibility. For one, you have to decide what will live on in the annals of history and two, you have to find stories that are funny. A gift that has come to me throughout my life. Yes but a gift... or a curse?
I was approached on so, so many occasions by a chuckling brother to the effect: "Geo! ha ha ha, hey listen, ha ha ha, how 'bout you do a cartoon of Bob spilling his juice in the chow hall and all the guys are saying, like: 'awww man... you spilled your juice!" ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"
The inherent humor in Bob spilling his juice is debatable at best, but let's say for the sake of argument that it's there. The narrative of the man's snappy comeback... not so funny. I had two choices in the matter strictly from my perspective:
1. Let the man down gently: "Man, I'm really sorry, but that scenario just doesn't pass the acid test, my brother. Look, it has nothing to do with you personally; it's really just a business decision, a very difficult business decision. I got mad love for you my brother, but I have a reputation to maintain here in the Unit. I'm sorry, but my hands are tied."
2. Freakish exaggerations are the very core of the power of the cartoon. I can take the pallid tale of Bob spilling of his juice coupled with the vapid remarks from the men and wildly exaggerate the whole scenario to make it so ridiculous as to be funny.
I can show a dozen men being washed out of the chow hall door by a flood of red liquid (Bob's juice), with men donned in various levels of gear associated with waterborne operations and perhaps one man yelling: "Hey, do we get paid dive credit this month for this?!?
Not really funny? I feel you, dawg. There isn't a set "formula" for hilarity, but two variables that help are mistakes and commanding officers. The poor Commanding Officer of our squadron had been out on the flat range one day with a new assault rifle in an effort to adjust his gun sites for accuracy. In some cases, new gun sites can be wildly off the bull's eye.
(Outdoor shooting flat range where the distance to the target is Known Distance, or KD)
His first mistake, well... his ONLY mistake, was to guest himself onto a range where the boys were already conducting *Blaze Ops. There are always those occasional line-walkers that feel the urge to stroll the target line to see how those around them fair in accuracy. Well, a brother noted that the boss' cupboard was bare; he had slick paper with no bullet impacts on it. The launch sequence was initiated; the man couldn't get to me fast enough to tell me all about how the boss himself had flown all of his rounds off his target:
"Ha, ha ha... Geo, you could show — ha, ha, ha, — the boss with a clean target — ha, ha, ha, — and the guys could all be saying, like, 'Hey there boss... it looks like you missed your target!' — ha, ha, ha!"
"Yeah, man... that's a total riot — I'll get right to work on that."
Hence the morass (morass is what you use when you don't have enough ass). I didn't think it was necessarily funny that the boss had rounds off paper, but if anyone else had done that his chops would have been busted. I couldn't let the boss off the hook so easily. I ginned up ideas that came to mind.
What is generally said to a person who launches with poor accuracy whether it a gun or a rock or a baseball? One of my more obscure phrases is: "He couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle," said during WWII of the inaccurate pilot of a dive bomber.
(American SBD Dauntless dive bomber. It was this same bomber that sank all fourJapanese aircraft carriers during the pivotal battle of Midway.)
Ok then: "He couldn't hit the side of a barn." That nicely anchored the theme: Everyone's target is the usual half man-sized cardboard target on a plank, with the boss' target being an entire barn facing sideways... silo and hay loft... the nine yards. Then I added a Range Safety Officer in the parapet calling out the disposition of the bullet strikes to the men at the firing line.
It was a done deal. All that was left was to jones over that future moment when the boss and I would inevitably pass each other in the hall, just he and I... awkward!