We all have that civilian “friend” who says they would have joined the military, but they “had other plans.”
The more you talk about your achievements and stories, the more they feel the urge to one-up you. So, why don’t you invite that Jodie-looking POS, in the most tactful way, to a light P.T. session and make them wish they were never born. In the process, you can show them how the world works: survival of the fittest and all that.
Related: Teddy Roosevelt is the reason for military PT tests
Once you’ve convinced the wannabe warrior to join you in PT, try these challenging, nausea-inducing exercises to defend the honor of your branch and country once and for all. This list was made to slay bodies, so stay hydrated.
Burpees
240 burpees Marine Corps Birthday
Burpees are a staff NCO favorite for a reason: They’ll smoke most people within a few sets. You could be waiting in line to do a urinalysis, and the first sergeant will still challenge you to a few just because they’re bored.
Give your victim/workout partner the benefit of a brief period of instruction by nonchalantly explaining it’s just a push-up, followed by a jump. Simple enough, right? Well, if service members find these challenging, a civilian won’t last long at all. Give ’em hell.
Battle Ropes
10-Minute Battle Rope Workout for Burning Tons of Calories
Busting out the battle ropes—though I’ve heard them called by other names—will give them the false sense of hope that you’re moving onto something easy. Do as many variations as you feel necessary and make it look effortless. Keeping your bearing here will destroy their ego much more profoundly.
Your arsenal of hate may contain:
- Alternating waves
- Hip tosses
- In-and-out waves
- Russian twists
- Waves
- Counterclockwise waves
- Clockwise waves
- Jumping jacks
- Power slams
- Side-to-side waves
- Shuffles
- Ski steps
Dumbbell Bear Crawl
Dumbbell Bear Crawl
The dumbbell bear crawl is self-explanatory: It’s a bear crawl but with weights. Travel on all fours across an area and back while holding a pair of dumbbells. The distance traveled should be proportional to the length that they ran their mouth about “going to college instead.”
It feels even better as a veteran to counter that condescending statement with, “Funny. I did both without student loans, thanks to the G.I. Bill.”
Pyramids, Push-Ups, and Jumps
Pyramids w\ Mike Tyson Push Up and Jumps
In his prime, Mike Tyson was a force to be reckoned with in and out of the boxing ring. His training consisted of waking up at 4 a.m. to do a 3- to 5-mile jog, followed by breakfast, a 10- to 12-round sparring session, and calisthenics. Then, he’d eat lunch before sparring for six more rounds and doing other boxing drills and calisthenics.
It’s not over yet. Then, Tyson would do more calisthenics, shadow boxing, followed by even more calisthenics, a quick dinner, and some time on the exercise bike as a cooldown before studying his upcoming opponents or watching training footage.
So, grab that pencil-necked Melvin you brought to the gym and make him do the following pyramid exercise, inspired by the titan himself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjS-_Lzy1HQ
Run Till the Sun Gets Tired
Odds are that Mr. Stolen-Valor-Waiting-to-Happen has already quit, but if, by some miracle, they’re still alive, take them on a run. Not just any run, but the longest run they’ve ever done. Give them a false sense of hope whenever they ask, “How much farther?” by saying, “We’re almost done.”
Little do they realize you’re not running to a place. You’re running until they quit.
