Humor

5 bizarre times troops answered the call of nature on duty

When you gotta go, you gotta go. It doesn't matter what you might be doing or who might be shooting at you for doing it. This, of course, includes the military personnel who get put in a lot of situations that would test anyone's nerves. And bladders.


And sometimes stomachs.

There are the times when having to go came in handy. There were times when it was absolutely necessary. There were times when there was no other way. They answered the call of duty while answering the call of nature.

1. Cooling down a Vicker's machine gun.

During WWI, British-made Vicker's machine guns needed a waterjacket to keep the weapon cool as it fired hundreds of rounds of flaming death at oncoming enemy troops who fail to understand the meaning of "No Man's Land."

Someone didn't get that memo. Or didn't think it applied to her.

As long as you kept the barrel cool by replacing the water jackets when they heated, the guns would shoot for hours and hours, totally reliably. But if troops didn't have a cool water handy to replenish the water, they would instead pee into the gun's waterjacket. One gunner said it "made the war a bit more personal."

"Did we try pissing on the gun? Remember: There are no stupid ideas."

2. Hosing down an aircraft fire.

Being in a bomber over Europe was incredibly dangerous in World War II. It doesn't matter what job you're doing in the crew. American bomber crews had a 40% chance of making their sortie quota. The 8th Air Force alone lost 26,000 men. If you want to know how crazy that is, the Marine Corps total killed for all of WWII is around 19,000.

"Cool," says 22 million Russians.

One of the guys who made it back to England was Airman Maynard "Snuffy" Smith, a gunner over St. Nazaire, France – a place called "Flak City." It was here Snuffy's plane was torn to shreds by fighters. The fuel tanks started pouring gas into the plane, which of course caught fire. As Snuffy fired his guns at oncoming Nazi fighters, he forcefully pissed the fires out, tended to his crewmates' wounds, and chucked the flammable items out the window.

Not pictured: Fire, Bullet holes, blood, pee, etc.

Six more men made it back to England with Snuffy, who was awarded the Medal of Honor. The plane broke in half upon landing, though.

3. Forcing NASA to answer the pressing questions.

In 1961, NASA was still testing the things they would have to be prepared for during space missions – namely, answering President Kennedy's challenge to put a man on the moon within ten years. Anyone who's ever been on a long road trip can probably guess what one of the first issues they encountered was.

I don't think they thought of jugs.

Except Mercury Redstone 3 wasn't a long road trip. At 15 minutes, it wasn't even a long space trip. So what do you do with an astronaut who has to pee at an inopportune time? Simple. Pee in the suit.

"Shhh, Houston. I can't do it while you're talking"

Even though it meant short-circuiting the equipment designed to measure his vital signs, Alan Shepard did as instructed by NASA and went in the suit. For better or for worse. His colleagues couldn't believe Houston told him to do it. (If you're wondering, Buzz Aldrin was the first to pee on the moon).

4. General Relief.

It would take a psychologist of some specialty to detail what is about peeing on your enemy's territory and fortifications that makes world leaders and generals want to do it. In fact, it's the first thing they think of. When Winston Churchill visited Hitler's Siegfried Line in 1945, he wore a "grin of intense satisfaction."

"Everybody move, I've been holding it for three days."

Churchill wasn't the only one having a Victory Whiz in Western Europe. General George S. Patton peed in the River Seine as he crossed it, and because he famously announced that he would pee in the Rhine, he made sure someone was there to take a photo.

An early example of "pics or it didn't happen."

5. The wind pisses back.

In 1950, American troops under Gen. Douglas MacArthur led a complete rout of North Korean forces. After almost pushing the Americans and South Koreans into the sea at Pusan, the entire Communist force fell apart after the Inchon Landing. They were driven all the way to the Chinese border at the Yalu River.

North Korean Army Driving North (artist's rendition).

President Truman ordered that only South Korean troops be allowed in the Yalu zone, to keep from provoking China. As every military history buff knows, that's not what happened. MacArthur pushed Gen. Edward Almond's X Corps to the Yalu as fast as possible. When he got there, he took the ritual pee in the river.

"High five! No, I mean the number of months it took to beat North Korea."

Unfortunately, his race to the river dispersed his forces and allowed the sneak attack by the Chinese (who weren't thrilled with the pee in their river) to succeed.

"It's totally cool. We'll be home by Thanksgiving, remember?"

Lists

The 6 dumbest things I thought knew about the military before joining

When I joined the military, I didn't have a lot of time for things like "background research" or "making an informed decision about doing something that might affect the rest of my life." I didn't even look into which branch I should join. I just walked up to the line at the recruiters' offices. Like a drunk stumbling through the streets late at night on the hunt for food, I went with whatever was open at the moment I got there.

Keep reading... Show less
Articles

How R. Lee Ermey's Hollywood break is an inspiration to us all

While there have been many outstanding actors and celebrities who have raised their right hand, there has never been a veteran who could finger point his way to the top of Hollywood stardom quite like the late great Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey.

Keep reading... Show less

5 of the stupidest diseases you can develop at the gym

Ladies and gentlemen, for years, we've noticed an ongoing problem that occurs when certain people at the gym are looking for a little extra attention. After completing just a few repetitions of a weighted exercise, gym-goers develop horrible douchebag diseases that, over time, become harder to reverse.

If you know anyone who suffers from these or similar ailments, please contact a gym professional for immediate treatment.

Keep reading... Show less
Humor

11 memes that will remind you how boot you were

Newbies who first enter the military typically have a pretty tough time. They are continuously reminded that they suck by their superiors and are treated like children 99% of the time.

Now, fast forward in your military career a few years and, hopefully, you're an NCO by now. You look upon the boots who've just joined and probably say to yourself, "I hope I was never that bad..."

Keep reading... Show less

North Korea is still hitting 17 countries with cyber attacks

A North Korea-linked hacking group has been tied to a series of cyberattacks spanning 17 countries, far larger than initially thought.

A new report by McAfee Advanced Threat Research found a major hacking campaign, dubbed Operation GhostSecret, sought to steal sensitive data from a wide range of industries including critical infrastructure, entertainment, finance, healthcare, and telecommunications.

Keep reading... Show less
Military Life

6 things platoon medics absolutely hate

Navy Corpsmen and Army medics are some of the best medical professionals in the world who go above and beyond to render care to sick and wounded troops in the line of duty.

Although the armed forces' "docs" have earned tons of combat decorations throughout their proud history, not every part of the job feels valorous or glamorous. In fact, many docs must accomplish tasks they absolutely hate in order to do their job well. Here are just a few of unpleasant functions the job requires.

Keep reading... Show less

The US slammed Russia for moving more weapons into Syria

Russia has ratcheted up military tensions in Syria by announcing it would send the advanced S-300 missile defense system to Syria, and the US military had a savage response.

Asked for comment on the announced movement of the missile defense batteries to Syria, Maj. Josh T. Jacques of the US Military's Central Command, which covers the Middle East, said Russia "should move humanitarian aid into Syria, not more weaponry."

Keep reading... Show less
History

9 times the world stepped back from the brink of nuclear war

The atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in August of 1945 marked the end of the World War II, and the beginning of the age of nuclear weapons.

During the Cold War, the policy of mutually assured destruction between the US and the Soviet Union — appropriately referred to as "MAD" — meant that if one nation used nuclear weapons on another, then an equal response would have been doled out as soon as possible.

Keep reading... Show less