Being deployed on a FOB in the military means you don’t have much interaction with the outside world. Although news travels fast here in the states, it can roll in at a snail’s pace while you’re manning your area of observance.
During this time, regular mail becomes a very precious commodity.
But once that beautiful armored mail truck comes rolling on in, your emotions can roller coaster as you realize you just don’t know what you’re going to be opening up in those care packages or letters. #jodiisreal
If there’s one thing the DoD can count on soldiers to be bluntly honest about, it’s the food. In 2005, 400 soldiers from Fort Greely, Alaska, were asked to taste test a new menu of Meals, Ready to Eat for anything that might stand out to them.
There were a lot of standouts.
Fort Greely’s finest filled out the evaluation forms, which were then compiled and sent to the DoD office that manages the procurement of field rations. Grunts don’t pull punches. That’s kinda the whole point of their job.
“Cheese spread with bread is never a liked mix. Anger is usually the result.”
2. The prophet:
“I noticed this meal # was 666…I will probably die of a massive heart attack thank you for feeding me possessed food.”
3. The skeptic:
“This donut is just a brownie in a circle with crappy “frosting” what are you trying to pull?”
4. The poet:
“I believe it was the dinner meal that caused this (Chicken and Dumplings), but it sounded like a flatulence symphony in my tent all night.”
5. The biographer:
“I have disliked cabbage since childhood.”
6. The drama queen:
“Oh my god what were you thinking… don’t give cabbage to a soldier ever again even POWs deserve better.”
7. The fortune teller:
“The entree will only be eaten if you haven’t eaten all day.”
8. The PR Rep:
“Maybe change the name ‘Chicken Loaf,’ [it] scares me.”
9. PFC Gung Ho:
“Put Ranch Dressing on everything! Airborne!”
10. The guy who’s wrong about everything:
“F*ck hot sauce [put] gummy bears inside.”
11. Sgt. WTF:
“Tabasco is good in your coffee.”
12. The Obvious Sapper:
“Change the Ranger bar name to ‘Sapper Bar'”
13. The Stream of Consciousness:
“5 Veg ravioli ‘friggin’ sucks. Spiced apple ‘friggin’ rock. Apple cinn. Pound cake taste like cheap perfume. (Friggin). Is chocoletto a foreign Name crap? Pizza anything friggin rocks! Gum is good.”
14. Staff Sgt. TMI:
“This new menu has me using the latrine 3x a day.”
15. Sgt. Maj. No Chance:
“Please bring back cigarettes.”
16. Pvt. Ungrateful:
“Jerky is very, very good. How many years did it take to figure that out?”
17. Sgt. Missing the Point:
“The name should be fiesta breakfast party. That would be funny.”
“The vanilla pudding is so good I ripped it open, Licked the inside and rolled around on top of it like a dog. I prefer not to eat anything called loaf but in this case I made an exception… thank god I DID.”
Over the past few days, you’ve been collecting exit signatures for your check-out sheet, and low and behold, you’re almost home. The process has been relatively straightforward up until this point.
The last item you need to get signed off is from the Central Issue Facility, or supply, where you need to check in all of your gear. Supply is one of the last stops a service member makes before obtaining their official DD-214.
Sounds easy enough, right?
Wrong. If one aspect of your gear is not check-in ready, integrating back into civilian population will be delayed.
So check out our list of what it typically takes to check in your gear and move on with your life.
(This is based on many true stories)
1. What it looks like when you’re on your way to the central issue on a Friday afternoon.
Oh, come on. (Images via Giphy)
2.When you walk inside and all you see are other troops waiting in a long a** line.
There’s too many to count. (Images via Giphy)
3. To add insult to injury, everyone who works there looks slow and grumpy.
Why do I hate life? (Images via Giphy)
4. After waiting what felt like an eternity, you finally haul your heavy gear over to the counter and begin the checkout process.
So heavy. (Images via Giphy)
5. You make it to the counter, and just as your morale has been boosted, you realized you’re at the slowest worker’s section.
Please, hurry the f*ck up! (Images via Giphy)
6. The clerk starts to review all your gear, pulling everything out piece-by-piece — most of which you never used.
And we mean most things. (Images via Giphy)
7. After completing the inventory, the clerk finds an issue with your almost squared away paperwork. All of your gear is clean enough to pass, but there’s a missing signature.
No way freakin’ way. (Images via Giphy)
8. Your superior officer’s signature is missing for an expensive piece of gear which got destroyed while you were deployed. The clerk informs you that you can either pay for it yourself or get the signature before you can get out of the military.
You can’t believe what you’re hearing.
I ain’t paying for sh*t. (Images via Giphy)
9. You speed back to your company HQ to find your CO.
Pedal to the metal. (Images via Giphy)
10. You dash into the HQ in search of the man or woman who can set you free.
Where are they? (Images via Giphy)
11. You find your superior, he or she signs the paperwork and then your emotions take over.
This may be wrong but it feels right. (Images via Giphy)
12. Now that you got your signature, it’s time to head back to central issue.
Almost to the finish line. (Images via Giphy)
13. You get back the central issue building and attempt to eyeball the person who helped you earlier to avoid waiting in line again.
Check out our list of the worst times to have a negligent discharge:
7. At a funeral detail
Many military funerals have a 21-gun salute waiting fire at a specific time during the ceremony. Interrupting the service by having one of the riflemen accidentally discharge their weapon before they’re supposed to would be less than ideal, to say the least.
Everyone tends to jump a little even when the rifles are fired at the correct time.
6. During a foreign military weapons inspection
We advise and work alongside many foreign countries’ militaries throughout the world. When you’re trying to build and/or maintain relationships, there’s nothing more cancerous than having an ND occur to set everyone on edge.
5. Right before stepping out on a stressful foot patrol
The primary mission of allied foot patrol is to make contact with the opposition. When a trooper accidentally taps the trigger of a weapon that’s no longer on “safe,” some very crappy things can follow.
BANG. *Angry Looks* (Source: Army.mil)
4. While handling business in a porta-sh*tter
Many troops are required to carry loaded sidearms on their hip. Having a negligent discharge while you’re taking care of business can lead to a messy result.
Oh, and you can shoot yourself.
BANG. Just Bang. Any other sounds effects would be disgust– *gag*
3. Inside an up-armored vehicle
Armored vehicles are designed to keep the bad guys’ bullets from entering the cabin. That’s pretty obvious, right?
Having an ND go off inside the vehicle is really bad as the bullet will ricochet until it loses speed. Hopefully, it doesn’t land inside of one your buddies.
2. In the “CoC”
The “Center of Communication” is the artery for directing the troops on the ground. If an ND were to occur inside, that live round could kill a troop or damage some important computerized gear.
On second thought, just clear all your weapon systems before entering.
Afganistan is considered one of the most dangerous battlegrounds in the world. The already intense energy in the area can quickly become deadly in a blink of an eye. A negligent discharge could launch an entire battle — or worse.
Bonus: During Bowe Bergdahl’s trial
Do we really need to explain why this is a super bad time for an ND?
Ah, the beloved and well-remembered basic combat glasses, the “S9” frames. Generations of American warfighters were warmly welcomed into the military with these fashionable spectacles.
Except not. More commonly known as “birth control glasses,” these things were basically two Coke bottles bound with mud-colored wire.
Here are 5 things troops got to experience while wearing the Devil’s eyewear:
1. The instant weird looks and laughs from other recruits
Most recruits look and feel awkward their first time sporting an Army haircut or lumbering around in a brand new pair of combat boots. But the next level of awkwardness was reserved for the wearers of BCGs.
This always led to jokes among fellow trainees, at least until drill sergeant showed up. That’s when everyone fell silent — so that drill sergeant could get his jokes in.
2. Permanently obscured vision thanks to the range day
In basic training, everyone is trained to hold their weapon the same way during marksmanship training. Recruits have to place their faces to the rifle the same way every time to make them more accurate. So, everyone is ordered to hold the weapon with their nose to the charging handle.
The problem is, this places the rear sight close to the BCGs for many shooters. The rear sight sometimes scratches the glasses during training and, after a few times at the firing positions, BCG wearers leave with a scuffed section of glass at the bottom of their field of vision in their dominant eye.
3. The constant fogging during smoke sessions and marches
Marching through dusty trails, doing pushups until it “rains” inside, and conducting mountain climbers all cause basic trainees to sweat heavily. This sweat quickly condenses on the lenses of BCGs, creating a thick fog. After a while, sweat droplets fall on the lens as well. This gets rid of the fog but makes it look like everything is underwater instead.
4. Basic training photos that not even a mother could love (though some hipsters might)
Basic training photos only appeal to a few people, typically the recruit’s mother and grandmother. But unless they got a sympathetic photographer who let them remove their glasses, those rocking the BCGs were doomed to photos that even a mother would only put up as a joke.
Most trainees got a kind-of-lame, posed photo from basic. The four-eyed folks got a punchline that their family would bring up during every Christmas block leave for the rest of their life.
5. Duct tape repairs actually made them look better
While most glass wearers dreaded having to make cheap repairs with duct tape, BCG people knew that dropping their frames in strategic ways led to a silver covering for those awful brown frames. Yup, those cheap repairs were an improvement over the stock model.
Unfortunately for newer and future troops, the military has gotten rid of S9s, the old basic combat glasses, and opted for a more modern look, the 5A frame. So, the community of birth control glasses wearers is now closed.
These are the new 5As that basic trainees are issued:
They’re actually . . . dare we say it . . . stylish. Alas, it’s the end of an era.
A U.S. Marine stationed aboard any Naval vessel enjoys a lifestyle very similar to that of cargo. Marines are often sequestered to their color coordinated quarters (ours were red) where they sleep in coffin racks, are given a small window of time to utilize the gym, and in some cases even have separate hours for chow.
All of these measures actually have a purpose, and that is to keep green side (Marines) and blue side (Navy) separate.
However, there are jobs Marines can be volunteered for, jobs involving laundry, trash, and foodservice. Lucky enough for this young leatherneck, having a culinary degree puts you to work aboard the U.S.S. New Orleans in the galley.
So there I was, a twenty-two year old Corporal with a culinary degree being put to work as leader of the night shift aboard a navy vessel. There were no sailors under my charge, which I found to be slightly condescending, but that’s of no consequence. On my team there were no less than three infantry Marines with zero cooking experience and one supply Marine from Baton Rouge, LA, which is plenty of cooking experience on its own. We were tasked with prepping the next days lunch and dinner meals, baking fresh bread, and preparing and serving breakfast.
Unbeknownst to my crew and me, a U.S. submarine submerged at periscope depth in the straight of Hormuz was soon to make its move. The U.S.S. Hartford is a Los Angeles class Navy submarine that had a date with destiny in the form of a San Antonio class amphibious transport dock ship, the U.S.S. New Orleans. After 63 days at sea, it would seem that the crew of the Hartford had had enough and decided to break up the monotony with a little fender bender.
Meanwhile aboard the New Orleans in the ship’s galley were five Marines working diligently. I remember quite vividly the jarring vibration of a f**king submarine crashing into a war ship, causing a mess. I was making pancakes at the time (and none were lost — not bragging just saying).
An infantry Corporal came running in asking if I could spare one of my guys, who happened to be one of his junior Marines. I calmly approved and the Corporal decided to start screaming at his young troop to get his weapon and gear because we were under attack. The young Marine yelled back, “Yes Corporal!” before running to his quarters.
He soon returned, showcasing his, “I thought I was finally going to get to shoot my rifle in combat” face of disappointment. The rest of the crew replied with laughter and taunts.
One of our battalion’s intel Marines informed us that our theories — we hit a whale, we ran aground, we were attacked by pirates — were not only incorrect, but the hapless ramblings of the simple-minded. He then told us we would not be allowed to call out or use the internet, that all coms were being controlled, and that we were hit by our own submarine. We took him seriously until that last part.
After breakfast was ready and the crew sat down to eat in the ship’s mess area, we turned on the television for some news. We were surprised to see that not only was everything intel said true, but also that we had leaked around 25,000 gallons of diesel fuel into the straights. We ended up dry-docking the ship on an island off the coast of Saudi Arabia known as Bahrain.
Beautiful location, lots of black flags — if you’ve never been, I don’t recommend it.
After six weeks of dry dock repairs, the New Orleans was back in the ocean ready for duty. It was determined that the incident was solely the fault of the Hartford and its Captain, who was relieved of command along with others. Damages to the New Orleans totaled $2.3 million dollars, which may seem like a lot until compared with the $120 million dollar price tag attached to the Hartford repairs.
I actually had a beer with one of the crew of the U.S.S. Hartford. We compared stories of the incident in which he shared with me that the submarine spun like a football — nearly 90 degrees in the water (a lot for a sub). The collision trashed the entire ship and administered one of the most jarring wake-up calls in U.S. naval history.
It’s the moment troops have been waiting for. They’ve counted down the days until this moment since they first arrived in-country. The second those wheels touch the ground, families rush towards their loved ones and fill them with all the love they’d missed while deployed. After that sweet moment, the week goes downhill fast.
NCOs with several deployments under their belt will offer warnings to troops regarding their first reintegration. They’ll impart every grain of wisdom they can, hoping their troops don’t make the same mistakes as so many have before them. But, chances are, NCOs will sit back and watch their troops go through a second round of boot mistakes — like these:
Who says we can’t get a year’s worth of sleep in seven days?
(Via Navy Memes)
Wanting to sleep the entire time
Everyone comes out to welcome you back to the States. They’ll probably have all these grandiose plans centered around how to “best” welcome you home. They’ll fail to take into account the fact that you’re jetlagged having come from half a world away.
Try to get some sleep. Even if you overdo it the first few nights, it’s well earned. Just don’t forget that you have to deal with people while you’re awake.
While on deployment (in-country deployments. Not a “deployment at sea” or Kuwait tour), troops need to have their weapon at all times. There is no Hell like the one that would be brought upon you if you lost it.
That’s why it takes a few weeks for us to process the fact that it was turned into the arms room for good. Just try not to scream, “where the f*ck is my weapon!?” in the middle of a crowded mall cafeteria.
You’ll never trust the cleanliness of a shower again.
(Photo by Sgt. Randall Clinton)
Showering with sandals
After a while, anything “communal” becomes disgusting. This is because everyone who uses it automatically assumes it’s the next person’s turn to clean it. Nowhere is this more evident than in the already-disgusting communal showers.
Upon returning home, many troops they instinctively wear them, even in their own homes, because, at this point, it’s just too weird not to.
If it seems like a dumb idea, but it works, it ain’t dumb…
(Meme via Dysfunctional Veterans)
Drinking like they did before the deployment
The funny thing about tolerances is that they’re perishable. Right before a deployment, a troop could down an entire bottle of whiskey to themselves and maybe get a buzz going. Afterwords, one sniff of beer might knock that same troop out.
Take things easy. Download a ride-sharing app or have a taxi on speed dial. Don’t expect your NCO to come play designated driver for you because they’re probably drunk after a single sniff of beer, too.
“I’m a go**amn war hero. I can binge-watch Netflix my entire leave and no one can stop me!”
Trying to catch up on TV shows and films (all at once)
If the troops didn’t get the chance to binge watch everything at the MWR or get lucky with advanced deployment screenings, they’re going to be laser-focused on trying to find out what happened while they were gone.
This is extra applicable for TV series that are vulnerable to spoilers on the internet.
…even you can afford the 39% interest rate.
Wasting so, so much money
The thing about deployments is that troops will still make money while they’re gone and have nothing to spend it on. All that tax-free combat pay just keeps piling up — even more so if they’re single.
It may seem like you’re rich enough to drop all that cash on the Corvette you wanted as a private, but you’re still making a boot mistake…
I’m not stopping you, by any means. Just advising you.
(via Pop Smoke)
Forgetting civilians aren’t fans of our humor
There really isn’t much to do overseas except hang out with the platoon. Everyone has told their jokes a hundred times over. The only way to keep things funny is to take it to the next level. Sooner or later, the jokes enter a realm that makes all of our grandmothers want to whoop our grizzled, war-fighting asses for even thinking it’s funny.
Just remember, there are now kids around as you tell stories about your scorpion death fights.
Since Nov. 10th, 1775, the Marine Corps’ rich history of kicking ass and taking names has charmed Americans and earned their respect all across the United States. Because of that, civilians see Marines in a different perspective than the Navy, Air Force, or even Army.
Since every branch of the military has a particular image that the general population associates them with, we asked several civilians, “What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about the Marines?”
Most of them are, but others just couldn’t see themselves serving in another branch.
Now I’m joining the Corps! (Images via Giphy)
2. All Marines have to go war and fight
Not true. The Marines Corps is made of several different elements other than the infantry, like aircraft maintenance, logistics, and duties that cause your Marine to sit in an office and analyze intel all day — so breathe easy, momma bear.
Dammit, Carl! (Images via Giphy)
3. They’re all excellent shots with a rifle
Most are, but a low number of recruits score just high enough to earn the “rifle marksman” medal, a.k.a. the “pizza box.” All Marines must rifle qual before they can graduate from basic training, but it takes extra training and skill to earn higher levels of marksmanship.
Ask a Marine to explain this joke. (Images via Giphy)
4. They’re buff and strong
Most are pretty jacked, but many are just normal size — they make it up by having tons of heart.
Oh, Master Sergeant! (Images via Giphy)
5. They are mean and scary as hell
Marines can get pretty intense, but that just shows their passion. While a Marine can get super scary (especially when they gain rank or come in contact with people they just don’t like), some get by with just a quiet intensity.
But most of the time they’re fun loving. (Images via Giphy)
6. They’re brainwashed in boot camp
Negative, Ghost Rider.
They are just influenced to love their country and branch of service at an exceptionally high level through various mental and physical activities.
They have to be, to carry out the missions they’re are asked to do.
Sometimes this involves screaming while brushing their teeth — which may happen. (Images via Giphy)Can you think of any others? Comment below.
Secretary of the Army Eric Fanning has a lot of work ahead of him. Keeping the Army strong enough to counter threats from Russia, China, and international terrorism while facing constant budget questions is tough.
Only time will tell if he can rise to the challenge. If nothing else, though, he will definitely leave his mark on the Twittersphere because he is already killing it there.
Fanning was confirmed on May 17, 2016. Since then, he’s Tweeted a Star Wars GIF to show love for baseball:
Of course, it’s not all movies with the new SECARMY. He was scheduled to visit soldiers training in Anakonda 16 during the 241st Army Birthday and tweeted a clip of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” video to let them know he was coming to Torun, Poland to make sure they were working out:
That turned into a Twitter exchange where he challenged a German general to one-handed pushups (via a GIF of “Kung Fu Panda,” because of course he used “Kung Fu Panda”) and 16th Sustainment Brigade soldiers responded with a video of 0-handed pushups:
Finally, while Fanning was working out with the troops, the Secretary of the Navy tweeted a happy birthday message to America’s oldest military branch. The Fanning responded with an awesome sea turtle, giving a nod to the sea service and “The Little Mermaid” in the process:
But while he can’t be physically present every time a soldier is in danger or needs comfort, he can help keep morale up by ensuring troops know that someone smart and capable has their back in Washington D.C. If he can run the beltway half as well as he runs his Twitter feed, then the Army should be okay.
After this Marine officer was humiliated in front of his superiors by a seasoned gunny, Powers decided to get out of the Corps and become a criminal — then just went totally grey.
He teamed up with a computer hacker and highjacked a train to use as a mobile headquarters to take control of a destructive U.S. satellite. Unfortunately for him, Powers ran into a former chef and Navy SEAL named Casy Ryback who was on vacation with his niece. How about those odds.
They duked it out in a narrow kitchen, and Ryback eventually broke his neck, killing him instantly.
Tough break. Get it? Tough break.
This dive bar musician-turned-Marine was so motivated that he was recruited into an android program that has nothing to do with smartphones. The government turned him into a freakin’ android soldier and released him on a “Solo” mission to Latin America to destroy some local rebels.
Nowadays, Stitch pops up here and there but mainly stays behind the scenes.
Remember the guy in the squad who most reassembled a twig? That’s him. He didn’t do much after faking his own death to get out of the Marines.
Legend has it that he developed a nasty skin infection and began to murder teenagers near a theater during a horror movie marathon — but that can’t be right.
After serving three decades in the Corps, chronic laryngitis forced gunny to retire — but not for long. He stumbled upon a job in the secret service and spoiled a plot to kill the president.
What a guy!
Gunny continued life in law enforcement for a few more years before actually retiring to a small house with his beloved Gran Torino.
Too bad he had a problem with a local Asian gang. Gunny was shot several times after pulling out his “hand pistol” from inside of his jacket.
He recovered “like it ain’t shit” because a couple of bullets isn’t going to stop Gunny Highway. No f*cking way! Now you can see him hanging around the baseball field spotting players who have trouble with curveballs.