This is what happened to the soldiers from the 'Hurt Locker' - We Are The Mighty
Humor

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

In 2008, filmmaker Kathryn Bigelow directed a film called “Hurt Locker” about a hotshot soldier who went above and beyond his bomb disposal duties while deployed to Iraq.


His passion for the job kept him in harm’s way as he defused hundreds of homemade explosives.

Although many veterans didn’t particularly enjoy the film (for technical reasons), many may have wondered what happened to the rogue EOD tech and the troops that once covered his six.

Well, we used our fictional WATM private investigators to look for the troops’ silver screen whereabouts, and here’s what they found.

Related: This is what the pilots from ‘Top Gun’ are doing today

FYI: Don’t take this literally.

Sgt. Matt Thompson

 

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
(Source: Summit Ent.)

Do remember that hotshot EOD tech who got blown up within the first 10 minutes of the story? Yeah, that was this guy. Well, turns out Thompson faked his death, and he was only using the Army to learn how to make and dispose of homemade bombs.

The government got wind of this intel, framed him, then wrongly convicted him on charges of conspiracy to commit espionage against the U.S.

They changed Thompson’s name to Snow — apparently no first name. After serving a few years in the federal penitentiary, the president’s hot daughter visited what was reportedly the most secured prison in history — located in space. Several violent inmates took her prisoner and the president recruited Snow to go in and rescue her.

No one saw that coming.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

 

After saving the president’s daughter, the government was now indebted to Snow and gave him a shit ton of money to start up a research lab.

The Army vet managed to formulate some good stuff, turning other veterans — and himself — into super humans that glow a bright reddish color.

 

Sgt. JT Sanborn

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
(Source: Summit Ent.)

Soon after returning from Iraq, Sanborn was given a battlefield commission for having to put up with so much crap from the EOD techs. It didn’t take long for this motivated soldier to move up the ranks. In fact, he made it to the rank of major within the same year.

That’s never happened before.

He was so badass the Army offered him a position in the security field working with a computer system called “Eagle Eye” that can track anybody anywhere all the freakin’ time.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

After a few civilians spotted some significant flaws in the sophisticated computer system and caused havoc, Sanborn decided to get out of the Army.

But he didn’t want to stop serving the veteran community or fighting bad guys, so he became what every veteran is capable of becoming.

A superhero falcon named Falcon.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Spc. Owen Eldridge

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
(Source: Summit Ent.)

Eldrige had a pretty rough deployment in Iraq the year of the Hurt Locker. After returning from home, he grew out his mustache and used a little of his GI Bill to become a commercial airline pilot.

Unfortunately, he was paired with an alcoholic pilot and was involved in a severe crash.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

It took a while, but Eldrige made a full recovery. He was so impressed with the level of treatment he received, he moved to Chicago and used the rest of his GI Bill to pursue a career in law enforcement, eventually becoming a cop.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Also Read: 62 glaring technical errors in ‘The Hurt Locker’

Staff Sgt. William James

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
(Source: Summit Ent.)

If you don’t remember this guy, you probably didn’t watch his story. After returning from another dangerous deployment, James made a few career changes because he didn’t know want he wanted in life.

He went from being a bank robber to a spy, to even becoming a diabetic a witch hunter.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Yes, you could say James was lost for a long time after getting out of the Army.

The experiences of serving in all those different fields gained him a talent that would drive him into his next profession — an archery master superhero with excellent vision.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of June 16

Military memes are like digital morale, and we have collected the most potent 13 from this week for your pleasure.


1. Definitely going to get made fun of on the ship for that one (via Sh-t my LPO says).

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Gonna be especially tough when you get sent to different ships.

2. The Army does not know how to party (via ASMDSS).

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Soldiers do, but not the Army.

ALSO SEE: The US Navy might pull these old combat ships out of mothballs

3. In the end, only the DD-214 remains.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
At least you get to cover your truck in Eagles, Globes, and Anchors.

4. This is why socialized pay in the military is so weird:

(via Coast Guard Memes)

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Remember, future enlistees, E3 pay is E3 pay is E3 pay.

5. All this for a Camaro (via Team Non-Rec).

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
A Camaro you can’t even drive when you’re stuck out at sea.

6. Double points when they want to talk about morale (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

7. “Keep on firing, buddy. I’m behind cover and my guardian angel is 3… 2… 1…” (via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
BOOM!

8. Peace. Out. (Via Lost in the Sauce)

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Find someone else to fight your war. I’m headed to college and stuff.

9. Turns out, the camouflage works better than anyone predicted (via Sh-t my LPO says).

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
This guy won the dirtbag, shammer, and hide and seek championships for this year. Triple crown!

10. All about the Benjamins, baby (via The Salty Soldier).

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
The answer is no. Thanks for the money.

11. Chiefs will avoid it at all costs (via Decelerate Your Life).

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
They’ll go so far as swim PT just to avoid it.

12. Just remember to bring something to use in exchange (via Decelerate Your Life).

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
The supply bubbas know how to get what’s theirs.

13. He can’t help you now, staff sergeant (via Why I’m Not Re-enlisting).

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
College and the civilian job market don’t look so scary right before another NTC rotation.

Humor

6 pearls of wisdom we learned from War Daddy in ‘Fury’

Many Hollywood war movies focus on the action-packed set pieces that go into the film’s trailer, leaving out a lot of room for the character elements that elevate good stories.


When David Ayer’s “Fury” debuted in theaters, the film’s realistic and diverse characters like Gordo, Bible, and the seasoned Don “War Daddy” Collier made audiences feel the dangers of being a tanker in WWII.

Brad Pitt plays the German speaking tank commander War Daddy must to deploy his leadership skills to manage the different personalities that make up his crew.

Related: 5 nuggets of wisdom in ‘Black Hawk Down’ you may have missed

So check out how War Daddy commanded his troops.

1. Never let them see you cry

No one said you can’t have feelings while you’re deployed in a combat zone, but leaders have to control their emotions to help maintain order. That’s exactly what War Daddy did after losing a crew member as he walked off for a moment of self-reflection.

War Daddy reminds us every great warrior needs a moment. (Images via Giphy)

2. Make your expectations clear

The Army quickly replaces the fallen crew member with an untrained boy named, Norman.

War Daddy gives the newly assigned tanker some sage advice for the hell he’s about to witness.

It sounds cold-hearted, but it’s realistic advice. (Images via Giphy)

3. Rank doesn’t always have its privileges

It not uncommon that war films feature both the war-hardened and the inexperienced “shot caller” tropes. But having a high-rank insignia on your collar or sleeve is only as good as the man wearing the shirt. Write that down.

True leaders get true reactions from their comrades. (Images via Giphy) 

4. Live in the moment

Having fought the Germans for a good amount of time and seeing plenty of death, War Daddy knows the importance of embracing a special moment.

To feel alive in a time of death is priceless. (Images via Giphy) 

5. Take care of each other

Even though their world is currently under a pile of sh*t, they still have their brotherhood and it’s stronger than ever.

Words only veterans can relate too. (Images via Giphy)

Also Read: 8 life lessons from ‘Major Payne’

6. Never run from a fight

Like War Daddy, many warriors are trained to fight, and fighting is all they know. So running away from a fight just isn’t a part of the plan.

With the odds were stacked up against them. They all stayed and fought. That’s their duty. (Images via Giphy)

Humor

4 common things that annoy Air Force enlisted members

Air Force enlisted members’ gripes are very different from those in other branches of the military. The Air Force is well-known for the mountains of paperwork it continually throws on personnel. If there is a process, there’s always a checklist and multiple forms that need to be filled out before anyone makes a physical move.


Training, discipline, and upward mobility also tend to come with piles of paperwork.

1. Letters of Counseling (LOCs)

Passive aggression might as well be one of the Air Force’s trademarks. Instead of a good ol’ reprimanding and yelling, the Air Force presents a typed letter that resembles a court document that details your indiscretion. The letter of counseling is given to personnel by their supervisor, usually after they do something that is out of regulation or just pisses them off personally.

 

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Might as well give the whole squadron one just to prepare them for the feeling.

Since some supervisors feel like they have control over their subordinates’ military careers, there are many times where Airmen get LOCs for absolutely nothing. Sometimes, it comes down to how much of an as*hole their supervisor is. Other times, the LOC might be valid (like coming into duty hungover). Either way, a LOC is kept in the member’s personal information file and can affect promotions if they get too many.

2. EPR bullet writing

The time of year every enlisted member dreads in the Air Force is when their Enlisted Performance Report is due. The EPR consists of categories of performance that require 4-6 bullets centered on accomplishments in selected areas. You would figure, given the nature of performance reviews, that the brunt of the work would be done by the services member’s supervisor. The majority of the time, however, the member has to write their own bullets and send forward a draft, which their supervisor then corrects.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Your guess is as good as mine.

Sometimes, the bullets are a complete fabrication of what was actually accomplished. For example, taking out the trash in Air Force EPR bullet form could be written as, “member’s continued responsibility in daily detail work successfully improved overall mission accomplishment by 70%.”

Plain and simple, EPRs are a pain in the ass.

3. Death by PowerPoint

Please, please, please, Air Force; stop it already with the PowerPoint presentations.

Want to fall asleep? Go to an Air Force squadron on any day of the week. Chances are, there’s a PowerPoint presentation going on somewhere in the building. PowerPoints relay heaps of information over the course of an hour or two and presenters expect personnel to retain all the information like sponges.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
No one wants to to discuss anything, they just want to go to lunch.

It’s not hard to gauge the involvement level of PowerPoint presentations. Usually, half of the room is asleep by the end of it all. Watch it, though: Sleeping through presentations can get you an LOC.

4. CBTs

CBTs are computer-based trainings. Yes, this a requirement in the Air Force, too. It may sound ridiculous — at times, it is — but enlisted members have a number of CBTs they are required to remain current in annually, biannually, and before deployments.

You read that right: Before deployments, you have to complete computer-based training.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Hopefully, command is smart enough to know this is common.

Since there are so many requirements and no one is getting deployed or qualified until training is complete, the obvious habit is to just click through slides. CBTs certainly are a small sample of an Airman’s personal hell.

Articles

15 quotes from Gen. Mad Dog’ Mattis, slayer of bodies

Marine Corps Gen. James “Mad Dog” Mattis is known for his aggressive tactics and his even more aggressive quotes.


While he embraced counter-insurgency tactics with the rest of the military, his quotes put a decidedly lethal spin on “low-intensity combat.” Check out these 15 great Mattis quotes — but be warned… they’ll make you want to charge into hordes of America’s enemies with nothing but a Ka-Bar:

1. “The first time you blow someone away is not an insignificant event. That said, there are some a-sholes in the world that just need to be shot.” (America and Iraq: Policy-making, Intervention and Regional Politics)

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Photo: U.S. Marine Corps

2. “I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you f-ck with me, I’ll kill you all.” (Slate)

3. “I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years.”

4. “Fight with a happy heart and strong spirit … Demonstrate to the world there is no better friend, no worse enemy than a U.S. Marine.” (Letter from Mattis to his troops just before the Iraq invasion)

5. “I don’t get intelligence off a satellite. Iraqis tell me who the enemy is.” (Press conference in Iraq via National Review)

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
(Photo: U.S. Department of Defense Erin A. Kirk)

6. “Find the enemy that wants to end this experiment (in American democracy) and kill every one of them until they’re so sick of the killing that they leave us and our freedoms intact.”

7. “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.”

8. “Be the hunter, not the hunted: never allow your unit to be caught with its guard down.” (Letter from Mattis to his troops just before the Iraq invasion)

9. “The most important six inches on the battlefield is between your ears.”

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
(Photo: U.S. Navy Chief Mass Communication Specialist Eric A. Clement)

10. “You are part of the world’s most feared and trusted force. Engage your brain before you engage your weapon.” (Letter from Mattis to his troops just before the Iraq invasion)

11. “There are hunters and there are victims. By your discipline, cunning, obedience and alertness, you will decide if you are a hunter or a victim.” (Told to troops at Al Asad, Iraq)

12. “No war is over until the enemy says it’s over. We may think it over, we may declare it over, but in fact, the enemy gets a vote.”

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
(Photo: U.S. Navy Chief Mass Communications Specialist Shawn P. Eklund)

13. “There is nothing better than getting shot at and missed. It’s really great.”

14. “You cannot allow any of your people to avoid the brutal facts. If they start living in a dream world, it’s going to be bad.”

15. “You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn’t wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain’t got no manhood left anyway. So it’s a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them. Actually it’s quite fun to fight them, you know. It’s a hell of a hoot. It’s fun to shoot some people. I’ll be right up there with you. I like brawling.” (Said during a panel discussion in San Diego, via CNN)

Articles

5 heroic movie acts a military officer would never do

Hollywood loves to use the military in its movies. You can’t blame Tinsel Town because they’re awesome. But on occasion, film directors and screenwriters tend not to identify the fine line between theatrical and practical.


Americans thrive on celebrating the actions of a war hero that saves the day (in slow motion of course) with the perfect Hans Zimmer underscore playing over the calibrated speakers. It’s emotionally driving.

Veterans can see through the bulls*** and know when our favorite characters go a little too far. So check out these heroic movie acts that an officer would never do (probably).

1.  Rhodey finds Tony

In Jon Favreau’s 2008 “Ironman” Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is kidnapped by a terrorist group and forced to build one of his deadly signature missiles the “Jericho.” Instead, the brilliant engineer creates the Mark 1 suit, defeats the first act villain and escapes.

 

Then, Rhodey (Terrance Howard) just so happens to show up finding Tony walking out and about in what appears to be a very large desolate area after spending three months in captivity. That’s quite a lot of missions he’d have to fly to save his missing bestie. With the odds that this was his first search and rescue mission, he should buy a lottery ticket.

2. Leave no man behind

Owen Wilson stars as a jokester Naval aviator who gets shot down and must fight to stay alive as he’s pursued by some pretty bad boys in Bosnia. Then, Rear Adm. Reigart, played Lex Luthor (I mean  Gene Hackman) risks everything — including his command — to fly out and rescue one of his men in “Behind Enemy Lines.”

That’s what we call heroic.

3. “You can’t handle the truth!”

Audiences love courtroom dramas and that’s why Hollywood continues to produce them.

In Rob Reiner’s 1992 hit “A Few Good Men,”  Lt. Daniel Kaffee (Tom Cruise) and Col. Nathan Jessup (Jack Nicholson) go toe-to-toe in the climatic third act of discovering the truth of who ordered the “code red.”

Let’s face it – real or not, it’s a freakin’ awesome scene!

4.  Engage – Engage!

2005’s “Rules of Engagement” stars Samuel L. Jackson playing Terry Childers, a Marine colonel who after successfully evacuating an American ambassador and his family in Yemen from an invading crowd orders his men to turn their sights on the invaders to end the fight — which contained women and children.

 

Also read: 35 technical errors in ‘Rules of Engagement’

5. Buzzing the tower

Tom Cruise plays Maverick in Tony Scott‘s “Topgun,” which was a hugely successful film in 1986 and helped sell tons of aviator sunglass. Admit it, you bought a pair.

After an epic battle with a Topgun instructor named Jester (played by Michael Ironside), Maverick gets a hair up his a** and decides to buzz the air control tower.

 

A pilot could totally lose his flight status for this prank.

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Humor

6 disappointing things new recruits discover after basic training

Civilians have grandiose ideas about what happens in the military. Those fantasies drive eager, bright-eyed youngsters into recruiters’ offices who land in basic training thinking they’re going to be the most badass Green Beret sniper who’s ever lived.


Sadly, the actual number of badass Green Beret snipers out there is a tiny fraction of the people who think they can cut it. Keep that chin up, recruit. Ending up just another cog in the machine isn’t a bad thing.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

An entire unit sweeping the sidewalk? It’s more common than you think.

(Photo by Glenn Sircy)

A solid 95% of military service is about cleaning and bureaucracy

So, you’ve learned that “Green Beret sniper” isn’t something you can enlist into right away and you’ve picked a far more boring job. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you likely won’t be doing that job, either.

You’ll actually end up somewhere between janitor and secretary. This isn’t even a grunt vs POG thing — if anything, grunts will be doing far more cleaning than anyone else. Everyone scrubs floors until they make rank enough to do paperwork on the guy who didn’t want to scrub floors.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Or you’ll be using gear your NCO just picked up at Walmart

(Photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Kyle Steckler)

You rarely do the things you learn in schools

Not only will you be spending god-knows-how-many weeks learning your less-fun profession, you can basically forget almost all of it because it’s either out of date, doesn’t apply to your unit, or your unit does things completely differently.

Take radios, for instance: New radios are fielded left and right. The last people to get the new stuff, however, are the schools. This means you’ll spend months trying to master a Vietnam-era radio system only to later be grilled at your unit for not knowing satellite communication.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

There will also be so much commotion going on that you’ll forget how to PLF and probably eat sh*t upon landing.

(Photo by Spc. Henry Villarama)

You’ll find out that the things you learn at the “fun” schools still suck

Nearly every school that troops try to get into is fully booked. Most of the time, you’ll attend the ones that occasionally help make you more valuable to your unit. But every now and then, you’ll be thrown a bone and wiggle your way into something awesome, like Airborne or Air Assault school.

Just how “awesome” are these schools, really? First, you’ll be required to learn all the technical specs of every aircraft you may, possibly, one day (maybe) jump out of. Then, when it’s time to actually jump, well, the military has ways of making that less fun, too. Airborne jumps usually involve 14 hours of waiting for two minutes of action that you barely have control over.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Don’t worry, shared pain will get you there.

(Photo by Sgt. William A. Tanner)

Camaraderie isn’t given to you — it’s earned

You’ll hear the phrase “one team, one fight” echoed by nearly every NCO to help motivate the formation. They’ll even assign you a battle buddy to help keep an eye on you. They’ll even toss you into the barracks where there’s basically a party every night.

But no one will automatically give a sh*t about you. You need to earn your right to make a brother for life.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Even grenades become boring once you learn they don’t explode like in the movies.

(Photo by Lance Cpl. Christian J. Robertson)

You won’t be having much fun at the range

The most satisfying moment of any military career is range day — but don’t get your hopes up. The range safety NCO will rarely call weapons free. And when they do, don’t worry — the big green weenie knows how to suck the fun out of that, too.

Nearly every time you go to the range, it’s to qualify or to learn the fundamentals of marksmanship. There’s a lot of time, money, and effort that goes into setting up a range for a single unit.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

On the bright side, you’ll laugh at people who think the wait at the DMV is bad…

(Photo by Jesse Weinstein)

Most of your career will be spent waiting.

The one skill learned by all troops of all ranks across all eras is how wait in one place for long periods of time, doing nothing but standing still in absolute silence. You’ll wait on formation. You’ll wait on Pvt. Snuffy to arrive with the arms room key. You’ll wait on mission SP, on guard duty, and on the tarmac to fly anywhere.

If you think the waiting ends when you get out of the service, think again. Let me welcome you to the biggest waiting room of them all: the VA healthcare system.

Humor

6 ways troops act American AF while stationed overseas

One of the highlights of any military career is getting sent overseas to a new duty station. It’s a fantastic way for troops to engage a foreign culture, take in the sights, and work one-on-one with our great nation’s allies.


The thing is, no matter how many AFN commercials tell us to blend in with the host nation, Americans will always be Americans. There isn’t a damn thing wrong with that — but, sometimes, we overdo it.

1. Dressing casually

Troops will always dress like they did when they were back home. Even if a cloudy day on some tropical paradise is a bit too chilly for the locals, American troops from the northern states will still be out there drinking in jeans and a t-shirt.

American brand-name clothes are pricey overseas. So, if you see a local wearing blue jeans, they’re probably knock-offs. The nice pair of Levi’s troops picked up at Wal-Mart would cost an arm and a leg in Europe or Asia.

 

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
You can try to fit in all you like, but your buzz cut or high-fade will give you away. (Photo by Pfc. Levi Schultz)

 

2. Speaking English overseas… loudly

Americans have a leg up on much of the world since, in many countries, it’s customary to learn English as a second language. This is especially true for the younger generations. Because of this, there’s much less of a drive to learn a local language fluently; troops usually just hope the locals speak English.

If someone takes the time to learn the local language outside of a handful of useful sayings, kudos. A large majority of troops don’t bother.

 

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

3. Driving instead of taking public transportation

American public transportation isn’t the best in the world. So, many of us rely on driving everywhere we need to go. When Americans are stationed overseas, they often take their car with them instead of relying on local railways or bus systems.

It’s a convenience most Americans grew accustomed to that they’re not willing to give up, even if most things are within walking distance. A troop will either bring their own vehicle or buy one off of a service member rotating back to the States.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
And there are always vehicles in the resale lot. They’re pieces of junk…but they’re there. (Photo by Airman 1st Class Larissa Greatwood)

4. Flirting with confidence

American troops often talk to locals in nightclubs like they’re expecting a response of, “oh, you’re an American? How exotic!

Maybe the person they’re interested in likes the cocky American persona. Maybe they’re into shy bookworms they meet at coffee shops. Whatever the case, American troops will always confidently try to figure it out.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

5. Only taking in American pop culture

Every country around the world has their own distinct, modern pop culture — their own music, their own cinema, their own arts, etc. They also have American pop culture, which might outshine their own.

You can usually count on locals having seen the latest Marvel movie, heard the Billboard Top 40, and binge-watched everything on Netflix. American troops will probably skip local pop culture. Mostly because it’s probably not in English and subtitles aren’t for everyone.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Expect them to know what Star Wars is. Everyone has seen Star Wars. (Photo by Senior Airman Christopher Muncy)

 

6. Drinking towns overseas dry

There has been only one time in recorded history that a major city has had all of their alcohol stores run completely dry because of everyone drinking (it was Moscow after WWII). But goddamn do troops come close every first and the fifteenth.

Every nation likes to pretend they hold the title of the “world’s heaviest drinkers.” They obviously haven’t seen what it’s like when an entire unit comes back from Iraq or Afghanistan.

 

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
We can clear out an entire bar and still make it to PT the next morning. (Photo by Staff Sgt. Jason Hull)

Humor

This is what it would be like to be a Space Shuttle Door Gunner

The idea of a “Space Shuttle Door Gunner” has always been a joke around the military. It’s so outlandishly silly that no one would dare think it’s real.


With last year’s proposed Space Corps, the expansion of civilian space programs, and a growing need for a military presence in space to protect American assets, President Trump gave his nod to the idea of a “Space Force.” This joke may soon be reality. But there are still many roadblocks in the way – like physics, for instance.

For obvious reasons, the door would have to be closed during takeoff and landing, otherwise, friction alone would tear the shuttle apart. Tragic examples of what foam shedding and a faulty O-ring can cause means that any fighting a door gunner would see would have to occur beyond a distance from Earth to allow for EVA (extravehicular activity).

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Now that the door gunner is properly outside of Earth’s atmosphere, they could begin their watch. A properly tethered door gunner could hold their post for a while. The current record for longest EVA, also known as a “spacewalk,” is held by Cosmonauts Fyodor Yurchikhin and Alexander Misurkin at 7 hours and 29 minutes. They walked outside of the International Space Station to install power and data cables — but a door gunner could hold that post for longer.

Finally, the nitty-gritty of space combat. A door gunner could easily bring modern weapons into space and, surprisingly, only have a few problems firing it. This is because modern ammunition has its own oxidizer, so no atmospheric oxygen is required. There wouldn’t be any sound (since audible sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum) and the recoil wouldn’t matter in low-Earth orbit because the shuttle would be moving at around 4 miles a second.

 

Tests on Earth have proven bullets fire in a vacuum. (via GIPHY)

 

The downsides would be that, without friction to slow down the bullet, it would travel until it hit something — the enemy, Earth, or some distant object forever away. Also, without gravity and oxygen to dissipate the gunpowder smoke, a large cloud would expand from the barrel.

So, yes, being a Space Shuttle Door Gunner is physically possible and may be needed one day.

 

Humor

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Sept. 29

In Saudi Arabia, women are driving.


In America, women are graduating the Marine Corps Infantry Officer Course.

In Germany, women are being re-elected to their fourth consecutive term as Chancellor.

Ok, so America isn’t perfect but at least we didn’t elect HITLER, amirite?

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
This is literally the least offensive person I could put here. Bet you thought a Trump joke was coming.

You know what IS perfect? The invention of the meme. More specifically, memes from the veteran community. Here are the funniest we found this week.

1. Let’s start with the Coast Guard (said no one ever). (via Coast Guard Memes)

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Now they can wear the same NWU but pretend they aren’t interchangeable.

2. It’s now fall, but it will soon be winter. Get ready.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Winter is coming.

3. Stay warm with Urban Outfitters new Air Force supply stores.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
No one’s a thief, we’re just trying to get our sh*t back.

4. The best part about Fall? Football is back!

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
I’m always in the beer line during the national anthem so I’ve never noticed who stood or sat. Or kneeled. Also, all of those guys look like the E-6s in my first unit.

5. And who’s looking forward to Thanksgiving?

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Pearl Jam has a song about this.

6. Maintainers will probably not get that holiday. Or many holidays. (via Maintainer Humor)

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
I was a nonner and can also say this for my career.

7. Everyone gets more breaks than maintainers.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
I clearly don’t know what grunt life is like.

8. For the E-4s of the world, it’s quality over quantity. (via Why I’m Not Re-Enlisting)

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Haters will say it’s photoshop.

9. But when you make NCO, Thursdays get more special.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
This is the title of my autobiography.

10. Also, I get the feeling my girl’s been cheating on me.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
We get that feeling too.

11. Isn’t it worth it just to wear the uniform?

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Some days. Not today. But some days.

12. Keep holding on to that dream.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Just ETS things.

13. For now, just do what you do best.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
And dip.

Articles

13 of the funniest memes for the week of July 21

A lot happened this week. It’s a good thing healthcare is still healthcare, because now the Juice is loose. So forget the news. It’s time to kick back and chill out with some clever, good-natured comedy.


Since we don’t have any of that, here are the top military memes of the week.

1. Fight senior leadership with words, not swords.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
If he were a pilot, this would be an escape pod scene.

2. Somewhere a trainee got recycled so far back through basic training, they’re wearing BDUs.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Try this at the snake pit.

3. If you break one soldier, there are literally thousands more.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Can we talk for a minute about how that uniform actually fits Dave Chappelle pretty well?

Also Read: Here’s how Civil War cannon tore infantry apart

4. In case you thought you were alone in how you view your command.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Also, the Emperor is looking for a few volunteers.

5. Marines get smoked a different way. (via Pop Smoke)

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
But it’s a dry heat.

6. If First Sergeant can get an ARCOM for Facebook, this guy can get 6 for Snapchat.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Not all heroes wear capes.

Now: This is why ‘Hue 1968’ is ‘Black Hawk Down’ for the Vietnam War

7. Except for the shoes, here’s a good way to run the rabbit.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Private Griffin up front!

8. Barney Gumble doesn’t drink like a sailor — sailors drink like Barney Gumble.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Homer looks like he’s going to piss hot.

9. Corpsmen are going to be busy if they don’t remove the labels.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

10. No one cares how big the moon is in kilometers.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Tell China we’ll be impressed with their technology when they bring us back our flag.

11. The hypothesis on this is comedy gold. Probably.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Until there’s a photo of their own head on this board, it will be incomplete. Grade: D.

Read: 15 Awful hand salutes that don’t even come close

12. It’s PT because you’re wearing a PT uniform.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
Terrible kickball form, though.

13. That Navy photo looks staged.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
They probably struggled to find soldiers and sailors doing a pull up.

Humor

4 unusual tasks Corpsman do that their recruiters left out

When men and women around the globe enlist in the Navy with a contract to become Corpsmen, it’s a pretty good feeling.


Good recruiters can make chipping paint and shining brass sound bad ass (“think of the adventure!”), but let’s be honest: they have quotas to fill each month, people.

For the most part, they’ll tell you the truth about what will be asked of you while you serve, but there are some details that don’t make it into the recruiting pamphlets.

As a “Doc,” you’ll get to work alongside and assist Doctors, nurses, and IDCs (Independent Duty Corpsmen), gaining knowledge from them to support your career moving forward; but that’s not all you’ll have to do.

Check out these unusual tasks Corpsmen never saw coming.

Also read: 6 tips to get a ‘sick in quarters’ chit in the military

1. The silver bullet

Probably the most popular slang “medical” term in any branch. Typically, temperature is taken orally, but if someone falls out of a hike or PT because of heat exhaustion…standby for the bullet.

Feared by all

2. Having sick call in your barracks room

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
And the day after that and the day after that… (Image via giphy and Simpsons World).

When Corpsmen get stationed with the Marines (also known as the Greenside), you typically live with them in the barracks. This also means a lot of your medical gear is right there in the room with you.

If your Marines love you, which most of them do, they tend to show up at your barracks door at 0400 for an I.V. treatment to “rehydrate” them an hour before mandatory PT.

The B.A.S. or Battalion Aid Station isn’t open on nights, weekends, or early mornings — just normal office hours.

3. Bore punching

Working sick call as a boot Corpsman, you’ll get exposed to some interesting on-job-training. Bore punching is a euphemism for swabbing male genitals for an STD with a 6 inch Q-tip. Yup! Right down the pee hole.

If your Chief or Lieutenant are “too busy” and they say you need to do it for a patient — you need to do it.

Welcome to the Navy, baby!

4. Finger waving

No, this isn’t the newest break dancing move or a classy way to hit on someone at the bar — it’s the alternative name for a rectal exam. It is shocking what the Navy allows Corpsman to do after only 12-16 weeks of training.

Don’t forget the lube! Can you think of any more? Comment below. And don’t forget to include all the slang terms for Corpsmen.
popular

6 ways to make the most of your urinalysis

One of the most uncomfortable things for everyone involved is a urinalysis. Unfortunately, it’s an integral part of how the military tracks the health and welfare of its troops and ensures that no illicit substances damage unit integrity.

Take it from us, the only way to make peeing in a cup while your NCO watches less uncomfortable for you is to actively make them more uncomfortable. Now, this shouldn’t be too hard because nobody wants to be there in the first place, but we’ve got some pro-tips for you.


Some advice, though: If you’re a guy, don’t make size jokes. You’re just setting yourself for a slam like the one in Jarhead.

Eat nothing but beets and asparagus

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’
This one only works if you have time to prepare. (Liz West via Flickr)
 

Fun fact: Eating a bunch of beets turns your pee a bright red color. You’ll probably fool someone into thinking you’ve got medical issues with this trick. Also, asparagus makes your piss smell nasty and unpleasant if you’re looking to make things that much worse.

If you know a urinalysis test is in your future, like after block leave, try it.

Ask for some soothing music

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Seriously, the observer doesn’t have any desire to be there either, so they’ll do whatever is necessary to speed up the process. Usually, they’ll turn on a faucet to help get you going. Soothing music wouldn’t seem like an unreasonable request.

That’s when you say, “now I’m in the mood! Let’s do this!”

If they aren’t paying attention, mess with them.

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

The observer’s job is to ensure that the urine leaves the body. If they’re giving you privacy, they’re doing it wrong.

Keep them on their toes and say, “You wanted a stool sample, right?” Or the classic, “I can’t do this without any magazines…”

Don’t break eye contact

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

A steady stream of eye contact is sure to make everyone involved very uncomfortable.

Get butt-naked to pee

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Technically, the observer is supposed to make sure you’re not using a prosthetic. Yep, that’s right, because that’s a thing that dumb-f*cks have tried to get away with.

So, be extra helpful and make sure there’s no possibility that you’re using a fake by stripping all the way down.

“Stumble” while holding the filled cup in your hand

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

Just because you’ve finished the act doesn’t mean you have to stop messing with others.

If you pretend like you’re about to trip, everyone’s eyes will jolt open out of fear. You should be clumsier than infomercial people.

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