Which military branch are you? - We Are The Mighty
MIGHTY HUMOR

Which military branch are you?

Civilians believe in all kinds of stereotypes about the military. Every branch believes in stereotypes about each other, too. Most are complete nonsense, but we can all stand to laugh at ourselves, right? Based on your personality, which branch of the US military would you be? 

If you had average grades, an average personality, and have vaguely jock-ish tendencies, congratulations! You’re the Army.

military branch army

You were probably your parent’s firstborn child. You don’t have much to prove, so you don’t have a ton of ambition. You were probably better at P.E. than any other subject in school, and getting ripped in the Army is appealing. If you can’t have a unique personality, at least you can have abs. You played sports so you’re not bad at teamwork…mostly. 

You know you want to join the service, but the specifics? You haven’t a clue. The Army is, well, the Army. It’s sort of a natural default, and let’s face it; picking the obvious choice is pretty much your go-to. That’s okay. The Army is happy to make your decisions for you. 

If you were asked to secure a building, you’d do it by the books. The safe choice, just like your choice of branch.

If you were a bit of an outcast and in the drama club (possibly the closet, too), congrats! You’re the Navy. 

navy

You were a middle child who wasn’t quite sure where you belonged. You probably didn’t fit in at school either, but at least you got decent grades. You didn’t want to get stuck in P.E. so you joined the track team. You never won a race, but you never came last either. You had more than your fair share of *ahem* romantic exploration, but not in a frat-boy kind of way. More of a band camp way, really. Since you’re going to be at sea with limited options, that’s probably not going to change. You’re a bit of a nerd who likes to play with legos. You want to explore a little, but you don’t really want to fight much, and that’s cool. 

You’ll get to drink beer, bitch, and stare at water all over the world. In a fierce uniform, too. If you’re a middle child with something to prove, you’ll probably try to become a SEAL. Good luck with that. If you were asked to secure a building, you would lock all the doors and call it a night.

If you went to Kumon Math and liked it, congratulations! You’re the Air Force

military branch air force

You were an only child whose mom thought “fart” and “shut up” were bad words. Academics were easy, but you HATED P.E. Hated it. You were always picked last and the only game you were good at was dodgeball. (And only the dodging part.) You knew how smart you were though, and that restored some of your self-confidence and gave you a bit of a superiority complex in one go. If you were on the preppier side of superior, you probably wore Lacoste polo shirts. Your Air Force uniform will be the worst, but you’ll also land the highest paying job when you retire from the military. It evens out. Maybe you want to serve, maybe you just want to play with fancy tech gear. Does it really matter? 

If you were told to secure a building, you’d buy it and upgrade the A/C. 

If you think you’re the absolute sh*t, congratulations! You’re the Marine Corp.

marines

You were either your parent’s favorite or least favorite. There’s no middle ground here. You have the arrogance and aggression of someone who was either told that he was the best, or wants to convince everyone that he is. In high school, you were definitely a jock. You were probably in JROTC, and during football or hockey, you were probably the hothead who started a fight. 

That didn’t dissuade the cheerleaders, though. They were into it. When ladies here you call them “ma’am” while in uniform, they’ll probably be into that, too. 

Remember what we said about picking fights? Yeah, that’s still a thing. Everyone knows war is part of military life, but you literally signed up for it. Blowing sh*t up sounds like a good time. You’re the kid who loved action movies a little *too* much, but at least you’re insanely tough.

If you were asked to secure a building, you’d just chuck some grenades through the windows. OOH-RAH!

If you were a class clown with a secret heart of gold, congrats! You’re the Coast Guard.

military branch coast guard

You were probably the youngest child. Your parents were a little more laidback raising you, so you kind of did your own thing. You might have been a bit shy from living in the shadow of your older siblings, so you used comedic flair to set yourself apart. You were a bit of a nuisance to your teachers, but at heart, you were a sweet kid. 

You developed into an average, nice guy who wants to serve but isn’t crazy about violence. You might join the Navy, but you’d prefer to see land (and people) a little more often. If you were asked to secure a building…well, don’t worry about that. No one would ask you anyway. 

Well, were we right? 

Probably not, but it was all in good fun anyway. Even if you’re a ultra-nerd or a bit of a bro, if you’re a service member or vet, you have our gratitude. If you’re thinking about enlisting, check out our real tips on how to choose the right branch!

MIGHTY HUMOR

These are the 50 best COVID-19 memes for the week of April 20

You’ve done the crafts, you’ve read the entire internet and you’ve finished Netflix. All there’s left to do is cry, eat and laugh. We’ll help you out with the last one. Hope you and yours are staying safe, healthy and somewhat sane.

These are your top 50 memes and tweets for the week of April 20:


Which military branch are you?

1. Everything is fine

At least he’s maintaining social distancing.

Which military branch are you?

2. The word of the mom

Amen, sister.

Which military branch are you?

3. Conference calls 

Zoom backgrounds make it better.

Which military branch are you?

4. Laughter IS the best medicine

Oh Dad. So smart.

Which military branch are you?

5. Happy little tree

I want peopleeeeeee.

Which military branch are you?

6. Atta boy

Nothing to see here, nothing to see.

Which military branch are you?

7. True transformation 

I’m not proud of how hard I laughed at that one!!

Which military branch are you?

8. The boombox

We’ve trained our whole life for this.

Which military branch are you?

9. So loud

What are you eating, BONES?

Which military branch are you?

10. M.J. knew

Now if we could just heal the world…

Which military branch are you?

11. More vodka, please!

These are good life skills.

Which military branch are you?

12. Reality tv

No wonder my kids like to watch other kids playing with toys on YouTube. We do the same thing with HGTV.

Which military branch are you?

13. No pants 

I can’t imagine having to wear shoes to a meeting again…

Which military branch are you?

14. Hand washing

So many temptations to touch your face.

Which military branch are you?

15. Catch me outside 

How bout dat?

Which military branch are you?

16. Shady pines

Might have to binge watch Golden Girls.

Which military branch are you?

17. So much truth

If you having tortilla chips for breakfast means I don’t have to cook…

Which military branch are you?

18. Iguana private office 

Something about you getting on the phone screams, “COME TALK TO ME.”

Which military branch are you?

19. SPF 15

At least you’re getting your vitamin D.

Which military branch are you?

20. Dreams do come true

You bought it “for the pandemic.”

Which military branch are you?

21. Pro tip 

It’s like working out, but easier.

Which military branch are you?

22. Sunshine 

The sun is not impressed.

Which military branch are you?

23. Chopped

Every parent ever.

Which military branch are you?

24. Barbie 

The sweatshirt is a nice touch. I bet her Barbie dream house is covered in crafts and regret.

Which military branch are you?

25. Jax beach 

Oh Florida.

Which military branch are you?

26. What happens in Vegas… 

Quarantine needs to stay in April 2020.

Which military branch are you?

27. SO much truth

And most of them look tired.

Which military branch are you?

28. Pajama shorts

Trick question. You don’t have to wear pants.

Which military branch are you?

29. Good PR

Mmm ice cream.

Which military branch are you?

30. Singing in the rain

Vomit. Ha!

Which military branch are you?

31. Sick car

Taped together and barely holding on — a working title of everyone’s 2020 memoir.

Which military branch are you?

32. Get it girl 

No but seriously, why did I eat all my snacks?

Which military branch are you?

33. Dun-dun. Dun-dun. Dun-dun. 

To be fair, everyone didn’t die.

Which military branch are you?

34. Lightning speed

Well played, fastest man in the world.

Which military branch are you?

35. All by myself 

We feel you, Ernie.

Which military branch are you?

36. Quaran-times

The isolation has turned to boredom.

Which military branch are you?

37. Womp 

We heard there’s a DUI checkpoint in the hallway though, so be careful.

Which military branch are you?

38. Last nerves

Every. Little. Thing.

Which military branch are you?

39. Grooming at home

All of our DIY haircuts and grooming.

Which military branch are you?

40. Apologies, ya’ll 

Lots of self-awareness happening.

Which military branch are you?

41. Tarjay

It does, Kermie. It does.

Which military branch are you?

42. Mind over matter 

Beware my special powers.

Which military branch are you?

43. Dogs know the truth

Stop judging me.

Which military branch are you?

44. You can’t have both

This is why we can’t have nice days.

Which military branch are you?

45. Pretending 

Deep thoughts by Dad.

Which military branch are you?

46. Zoom stand in

I think people would pay for this.

Which military branch are you?

47. You did it!

At least you didn’t quit.

Which military branch are you?

48. Pinky promise

Just boxed wine. Not the ‘rona.

Which military branch are you?

49. You know that’s right

Maybe you’ll get a “spa day” in the bathroom by yourself.

Which military branch are you?

50. Get it, girl! 

The perks of age!

Stay safe, keep laughing and have a great week!

popular

7 painful things that are better than getting OC sprayed

OC qualifying is one of the most dreaded requirements in the military. Occasionally, you’ll run into some people who will try to act tough by saying that OC qualifying isn’t so bad but they’re lying. It is that bad.

Certain ranks in the military require that the troop first experience the pain of oleoresin capsicum (OC) spray. For the same reasons one might opt to experience the pain of a taser, the aim here is for the person carrying such a tool to understand how it feels so they think twice before using it.


Which military branch are you?
At least the pain won’t last very long… (GIPHY)

Getting kicked in the family jewels

This is extremely painful for any man to experience — but it’s still not as bad as getting pepper sprayed and then subsequently having to fight people and do workouts afterward.

Getting a toenail removed without lidocaine

Granted, any type of procedure is going to be painful without a sedative, but no matter how painful that procedure is, it’s still not as bad as taking pepper spray to the face.

Which military branch are you?
Once you get some fresh air, you’ll be just fine. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Corporal Ashley Lawson)

 

CS gas qualification

This is probably the worst part of boot camp — getting put into a bunker filled with tear gas then being forced to pull the mask off your face. If you’ve got lungs of steel, no problem, just hold your breath. But, if you take the smallest breath, your entire respiratory system is going to be on fire. Even still, pepper spray is much worse.

MARSOC screener

This one will likely stir some debate, but let’s be real: At the end of a MARSOC screener, even if you don’t get picked, there’s the gratification of having completed some of the most grueling preliminary testing the military has to offer. At the end of OC qualification, you’re just in pain.

Which military branch are you?
Some may prefer OC spray over getting tasered but they’re probably crazy. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Corporal Christian Robertson)

 

Taser qualification

People who have done both taser and OC qualification will debate this all day. You’ll hear some may say they’d rather get tasered ten times than be sprayed once and vice versa. The truth, however, is that with tasers, the pain ends when the trigger is released. With OC, the pain lingers long after you complete training.

Helo dunker

Training for a helicopter crash in water is fun for some, but a lot of people hate it. For those who don’t know, what happens is you get strapped into a simulated helicopter, which then gets dropped in a pool, submerged, and flipped upside down.

Your goal is to escape the grips of death and resurface. Once you get out of the helicopter, you’re done — that’s it.

Which military branch are you?
This one might not be worth it in the end, though… (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Staff Sgt. Dengrier M. Baez)

 

Reenlisting

The most commonly despised word across the military is “reenlistment.” While the option to reenlist is not exciting, some might even choose it over getting pepper-sprayed again.

Feature image: U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Mariette M. Adams

MIGHTY HUMOR

That time an astronaut snuck a gorilla suit into space

Retired U.S. Navy Captain and former NASA Astronaut Scott Kelly once received a full gorilla suit in a care package while living on the International Space Station. He didn’t tell anyone about it. One day, without warning his fellow crew, he put it on. Hilarity ensued.

And luckily for us, there’s video:

Kelly was a fighter pilot in the Navy before becoming a U.S. astronaut. A veteran of four space flights, he commanded the International Space Station (ISS) on three expeditions and was a member of the yearlong mission to the ISS from March 27, 2015, to March 2, 2016. His book, Infinite Wonder, features the photographs he took during that year. In October 2015, he set the record for the total accumulated number of days spent in space.

It was his brother, Captain Mark Kelly, who sent the gorilla suit care package. Mark Kelly is also a retired U.S. Navy pilot, engineer, and NASA astronaut, and the husband of former Congresswoman Gabby Giffords.

Who else could get away with sending such a gift?

The Kelly twins have also been part of an investigation on the health effects of long-term space flight. While Scott lived aboard the ISS for a year, Mark remained on Earth as a “genetically identical ground control.” Scientists have been able to discern the effects of space on the human body to the DNA and chromosomal level, from Scott’s gut microbiome to the thickening in his retina and carotid artery.

These kinds of studies help give clues toward human health as we explore space. While the ISS is in low-Earth orbit and not deep space like, say, Mars, the findings give scientists more information about the effects of space travel.

MIGHTY HUMOR

Watch Stephen Colbert’s hilarious stint in Army basic training

Remember that time Stephen Colbert tried going through Army basic training?


The comedian and star of Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report” ended awhile ago, so we figured it was a good time to look back at one of his more memorable segments: “Stephen Strong – Army of Me.”

Also Read: Trust For Brian Williams Has Completely Crashed

“No special treatment, just like any other recruit,” Colbert says in the hilarious clip, hopping out of a limo and sporting a red tracksuit. He is, of course, greeted by a drill sergeant who starts screaming at him and takes him through various physical exercises.

There were plenty of wonderful questions from the private-for-a-day:

— “I’m here for the Army. Is this the Army?”

— “I have a question about tanks. Do they have bathrooms in there, or do you just pee out the barrel?”

— “Permission to go AWOL?”

Watch the clip:

NOW: Watch Jay Leno Give A Wounded Soldier A Brand New Car

OR WATCH: 5 Times When Jon Stewart Made A Difference For America’s Veterans  

Articles

8 girly songs only a real squad leader sings

The infantry squad leader is a billet that demands leadership and integrity. There is an unofficial rite of passage that every squad must endure. I’m not talking about the first order issued or the trials of combat. No–it’s when your squad leader sings his favorite, stereotypically “girly” songs. Maybe it’s boredom or his brain has turned to soup because of all the stupid he has to put up with.

In Afghanistan, our squad leader lost a bet to our Staff NCO and had to do a patrol debrief wearing spandex short shorts. What we saw was not meant for mortal eyes. The constant stretching and Ke$ha songs, however, were not mandatory. If he had to pay the price, so did all of us. If your squad leader doesn’t sing ridiculous songs at some point, is he even a real leader?

 Ke$ha – Tik Tok

Vietnam Veterans had Jimi Hendrix and Creedence Clearwater Revival – meanwhile, we have this. Out of all the things that can give someone PTSD, I can’t listen to this song without remembering the horrors of that day. Was it worth it Staff Sergeant?

Pinkfong – Baby Shark

If you have had kids this song has given you PTSD. Naturally, drill instructors sunk their teeth into it immediately at the height of it’s popularity.

Katy Perry – Firework

For a long time, Katy Perry was the darling of the Marine Corps. She has done numerous shows for the troops on USO tours and even made a tribute music video. She has partnered with UNICEF and Generosity Water to help children around the world. Her humanitarian resume stretches decades into the past making it less inhibiting to be a fan in uniform. If your squad leader didn’t at least hum this during a tactical halt, sweating and losing his marbles – yet happy, then it wasn’t a real deployment.

Britney Spears – Baby one more time

A classic. A must have on the list. Generally the older SNCOs sing this because of their aversion to pop culture, although ironically, this is pop culture – but old.

Christina Aguilera – Genie in a Bottle

Same as above.

Lady Gaga – Bad Romance

When I was a devil pup embarking on my first deployment, this song hit the air waves. Unfortunately for us, since we were without internet, it was one of the only songs people would sing. Mother Monster is beautiful and a great singer. However, when her lyrics come out of the mouth of the leadership, you start reevaluating your life choices.

The Navy’s theme song

As is tradition.

Aqua – Barbie Girl

We’ve all sung this one. Laugh it up because then we’re going in a fun run when its over. Even the Russians are doing it!


Feature image: Screen capture from YouTube.

MIGHTY HUMOR

Here’s a hilarious look at what life is like for Marines on a Navy ship

There’s nothing that projects American force like an amphibious assault ship or carrier on the horizon, since they’re floating fortresses of the sea. For sailors, serving on these vessels is like hitting the jackpot in terms of living space. But for Marines, life on a Navy ship is less than stellar.


The boys of Terminal Boots (Lance Cpls. Deacon Gerard, John Davis and Joseph Jewett) put together this short video showing what life is like for Marines on a US Navy ship.

At one point in the video, an off-camera questioner asks, “how do you feel being aboard a Naval vessel?” The response: “Honestly, I’d rather be back in jail.” There are plenty more laughs. Watch:

 

 

NOW: Hilarious video shows what Marines stationed in 29 Palms don’t say

OR: The 18 funniest moments from ‘Generation Kill’

MIGHTY HUMOR

7 banned children’s toys that will train kids for war

Toys today are much safer than those our parents had – and that’s a good thing. Even though so many bemoan the “everyone gets a trophy” mindset, let’s face it, some of the toys of yesteryear may have seemed like fun to the adults designing them, but they weren’t the best idea in the hands of children. These banned children’s toys might actually have “fun” purposes, but we think they’re really best for training kids for war. 


Which military branch are you?
Pointy metal fun.

The toys of yesteryear had so much going for them. These fun features allowed kids to main, poison, spear, and otherwise seriously injure their playmates. All in the name of good fun! This list of banned toys might no longer be around, but they’re still alive in our hearts. If you’re too young to have enjoyed these wild toys, just ask anyone born before 1900. Chances are they not only remember them but have the scars to prove it. 

1. Lawn Darts

Also called “Jarts,” anyone who grew up in the 90s remembers these banned darks. What a random idea for a toy! Lawn darts are pointed steel stakes with plastic stabilizer fins, weighted to always come down point first. The idea was to stand far from a marked target area, then toss the darts high in the air, so they come down within the area. 

What really happened, as you might expect, is the darts never hit their targets and hit eyeballs, elbows, and everywhere else instead. 

2. The CSI Fingerprint Examination Kit

Prayers everywhere were answered when the CSI Fingerprint Kit hit the shelves. Or at least, the prayers of 10 year olds, that is.  Finally, pre-teens everywhere could solve mysteries and drop one-liners as they put on their sunglasses. The kit also helped kids learn how to operate in a chemical warfare environment since the dust used to lift the fingerprints contained tremolite, a deadly form of carcinogenic asbestos. This banned toy was pulled from the shelves shortly after its arrival, but we’re not totally sure why. 

3. The Atomic Energy Laboratory

Does your little one have the problem of being lumped into some kind of “Axis of Evil?”

Which military branch are you?
Second world problems.

Well, all you need to do now is go back in time and get your hands on the Gilbert Atomic Energy Laboratory. The U-238 Lab (yes, that was its name) came complete with radioactive materials to get the little Marshal and the glorious people’s democratic revolutionary nuclear program up and running before he meets the same fate as Saddam. Wait, in case you didn’t read that all the way through – the U-238 Lab came with radioactive materials. There are so many obvious reasons why this is on the banned toy list. Can you imagine giving nuclear materials to a 10 year old? 

Which military branch are you?
Nuclear Programs: U.S. troop repellant.

4. Kite Tube

Ever wanted to practice some Navy SEAL skills in a CRRC when you were a kid? Not being a SEAL and not having a CRRC  should have stopped no one. In fact, young kids could have had CRCC skills training and airborne training – at the same time.  Enter the Kite Tube. This banned toy is actually as dangerous or worse than any military live-fire exercise. And it’s probably killed more people than ISIS.

5. Splash Off Water Rockets

They aren’t from North Korea, they just act like they are. The idea behind the Splash Off Water Rocket is that the main compartment would fill up with water pressure until it had enough pressure to slip the surly bonds of Earth.

Unfortunately for kids, instead of breaking Earth’s bond, it shattered the compartment, launching plastic shrapnel in 360-degrees at water rocket velocity. So while this could teach kids to accept failure like the North Korean missile program, it could also teach them to dodge mortar and grenade shrapnel.

Which military branch are you?
Pictured: Backyard Summer Fun.

6. Mattel’s Sonic M Blaster

I’m not actually certain this was ever banned, but if it hadn’t premiered in the 1950s, it would have been. Nothing beats letting your kids fire a compressed air gun that not only fired the burst of air but also was loud enough to rupture an eardrum at close range. It was a weapon meant for a young Snake Plissken.

In case you were wondering, yes, that’s a young Kurt Russell taking out his neighbor’s property. They won’t do anything about it, because hopefully, they know better than to mess with a kid that’s learning to aim and fire a bazooka.

7. Austin Magic Pistol

Which military branch are you?

You know it’s a weapon when the size of the round in the toy is on the cover of the box. This 1940s-era muzzle-loaded “toy” used an explosive mix of calcium carbide (aka “Magic Crystals”) and water to fire a ping-pong ball at high velocity.

Related: Check out this list of safe activities for kids that COVID hasn’t ruined. 

popular

7 pictures you won’t see in a recruiting brochure

Military brochures are colorful and glossy, full of awesome pictures showing service members doing some really cool stuff. These pictures usually feature troops flying in helicopters, firing weapons, riding in amphibious assault vehicles, jumping from aircraft, and traveling the world.


There is no question a military career can be very exciting. However, just like any other profession, there can be some mundane tasks that seem unusual and flat-out odd. This is especially true in the military. Here are 7 pictures you won’t see in a military recruiting brochure.

1. Area Beautification (Operation Clean Sweep)

Which military branch are you?
Sgt. Bridgett Gomez, Headquarters and Headquarters Company and Pvt. Joshua Barker, Company D, 1st Attack Reconnaissance Battalion, 82nd Combat Aviation Brigade, rake through the remaining sand of the volleyball court outside their barracks after removing large clumps of grass in preparation of new sand, March 16. (Photo by U.S. Army Sgt. April D. de Armas, 82nd Combat Aviation Brigade Public Affairs)

This detail is very common throughout U.S. military bases around the world. One of the most well-known area beatification events happens in the home of the U.S. Army Airborne and Special Operations at Fort Bragg, N.C. Each May, thousands of personnel take part in “Operation Clean Sweep,” an extravagant term simply meaning a post-wide clean-up effort in preparation for the 82nd’s Airborne All-American Week, a week-long celebration of the famed division.

During Clean Sweep, Soldiers don their PT belts, grab their rakes, and gas up the lawn mowers to bring the “fight” to overgrown weeds, nasty cigarette butts, spit bottles and other items that would make your grandma blush. You can see why these images don’t make for exciting marketing products.

2. Cleaning the Barracks (GI Party)

Which military branch are you?
Marines with Marine Corps Air Station Miramar and the 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing pick up trash during a station-wide cleanup aboard MCAS Miramar, California, April 20. They also conducted a cleanup alongside major roadways bordering the air station.

This is one party you don’t want to be invited to. Service members living in the barracks are used to hearing the expression “G.I. party,” a term originally used during World War II to clean up the living quarters.

This detail has service members cleaning the hell out of the barracks in preparation for an inspection. So grab the buffer, gather the Simple Green, and get the trash bags, it’s party time!

3. Painting Things

Which military branch are you?
1st Lt. Edwin Roman paints steps in barracks 4295 at Marine Corps Air Station Cherry Point, N.C., Nov. 25, 2014. Staff noncommissioned officers and officers of Marine Air Control Group 28 cleaned and renovated the barracks in an effort to give back to the Marines during the holiday season. The Marines worked on various projects including, painting, landscaping and fixing furniture. Roman is a communications officer with Marine Air Support Squadron 1.

Put a paint brush in the hands of a military member and they will paint anything. Whether it is painting rocks, trees, the walls at the barracks, or curbs on the road, military commands always have tons of paint cans around, keeping the good folks at DuPont very happy.

4. Chute Shake

Which military branch are you?
U.S. Army paratroopers from Bravo Battery, 2nd Battalion, 319th Airborne Field Artillery Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division clear debris from used parachutes before hanging them at Fort Bragg, N.C., Oct. 23, 2008. The parachutes were used the night prior during a joint forcible entry exercise (JFEX), a joint airdrop designed to enhance service cohesiveness between Army and Air Force personnel by training to execute large-scale heavy equipment and troop movements. (DoD photo by Tech. Sgt. Jeremy T. Lock)

Remember all the fun you had as a child, shaking the rainbow colored parachute during gym class. While this is not that kind of parachute shake, “shaking chutes” is one of the worst details in the Airborne community. It can sometimes take an entire night, where personnel spend their time in a tower hanging hundreds of chutes, untangling lines that are in massive knots, and taking out weeds and debris caught on the parachute after dragging a Paratrooper across the drop zone. This detail makes you appreciate your childhood.

5. Swabbing the Deck

Which military branch are you?
Sailors scrub the flight deck aboard the aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan following a countermeasure wash down while the ship is operating off the coast of Japan. The Ronald Reagan is operating off the coast of Japan providing humanitarian assistance as directed in support of Operation Tomodachi. (U.S. Navy photo)

Arrr matey! This detail is straight up old-school going back hundreds of years. This is probably not what new Sailors had in mind when they were told the Navy would “accelerate their life.”

6. Kitchen Patrol or KP

Which military branch are you?
Food service specialists and kitchen police from 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault) and supporting units unload fresh fruit into a walk-in freezer at the intermediate staging base at Fort Polk, La., Sept. 25, 2015. (U.S. Army photo)

KP duty at the mess hall or galley consists of duties such as food preparation, dish washing, sweeping and mopping floors, wiping tables, serving food on the chow line, or anything else that needs to get done.

Just make it get done or the mess sergeant will go all Gordon Ramsay on you!

7. Burning sh*t

Which military branch are you?

This was definitely not in the brochure.

Articles

The Navy SEAL who shot Osama Bin Laden wants you to invest in a new beer company

Robert O’Neill, the former SEAL Team Six operator who is credited for firing the shots that killed Osama bin Laden, has a new venture. This time the only “pop-pop” coming from O’Neill is the pop of a beer tab. 

He has a pre-IPO investment opportunity for anyone who’s both a fan of the armed forces of the United States and of craft brews: Armed Forces Brewing Company

O’Neill made a fun, goofy and at times purposely over-the-top commercial/investment pitch video, recently shared on YouTube. The video takes shots at foreign breweries, beer hipsters and more, all to get you to invest in the company. 

The former Navy SEAL kills aliens, trashes the competition and even pokes fun at himself, referencing the Delta Airlines flight in which he refused to wear a mask and was subsequently banned from the airline. Have a look:

The new venture is a brewing company comprising three brands: Seawolf Brewery, Soldier Brewery and Airmen Brewery. As of July 2021, only two beers under the Seawolf brand appear on the website. Launched by O’Neill and other special operations veterans, it’s designed to pay tribute to all branches of the military (yes, even the Space Force). 

If beers like Special Hops IPA and Cat Shot American Craft Lager sound good to you, then you can not only buy one, you can own a piece of the company. Armed Forces Brewing Company is looking to raise $7.5 million in a campaign to grow its business. With a $200 minimum investment at $10 per share, interested parties can not just get a piece of the company, they can score some fun perks.

According to the investment site, there’s more to the brews than a gimmicky commercial and one of the world’s most famous special operators. The site says its products are brewed by an award-winning brewmaster, that it’s run by successful, seasoned hospitality industry veterans and that there are plans to hire a workforce made up of 70% military veterans.

Which military branch are you?
The commercial was not clear on whether or not dress blue yoga pants will be issued to employees (screen capture from YouTube)

Right now, the beer is available only in a handful of states but will soon be available in as many as 46. The company also says it’s planning a national expansion and already has a foothold to get three of its beers into military exchange stores.  

As for the perks, $200-$499 will get investors an Armed Forces Brewing Company logo stick, challenge coin, a 5% discount online, along with your name on its online wall of investors and an invitation to the company’s annual shareholder event. Other levels offer VIP access at events, early tastings and even the chance to create and name one of the company’s beers.

Which military branch are you?

Perks are all well and good for a casual investor who wants a stake in a veteran-owned business. The biggest question for any serious investor is: is it a sound investment? According to the company’s SEC filing, Armed Forces Brewing Company has some big obstacles:

  • It’s a relatively new entity with limited tangible assets and its continued operation may require substantial additional funding
  • The company has a very short operating history and no assurance that the business plan can be executed
  • The company has entered a highly competitive industry and within this highly competitive industry are companies with established track records and substantial capital backing. 
  • The industry in which the company participates is highly speculative and extremely risky.

But there’s no significant reward without significant risk, as Robert J. O’Neill would likely tell you. Armed Forces Brewing Company could become the veteran-owned longshot-turned-competitor, in the vein of great companies like Black Rifle Coffee and Hire Purpose.

MIGHTY HUMOR

‘Key and Peele’ hilariously show why terrorists hate the TSA

The 9/11 terrorist attacks launched the war on terrorism and ruined air travel as we knew it. So the TSA was born.


You used to be able to get through security in less than 15 minutes, but with the creation of the Transportation Security Administration the process takes a lot longer. However, despite this first-world-problem, TSA has foiled over 39 terror plots, according to The Heritage Foundation.

Some may see the TSA as an inconvenience, but to the al-Qaeda fighters in this video, “they are an elite force of anti-terrorist commandos.”

 

MIGHTY HUMOR

12 of our favorite Army jokes online

Who doesn’t love a good laugh at their employer’s expense? It’s all the stuff that you have to deal with, day in and day out. Only this time, it’s poking fun at the bear. It’s not you on the chopping block, it’s someone else. That means it’s time to let loose and relax — all while getting in a solid chuckle.  There’s no exception for Army jokes. In fact, we laugh that much harder, knowing there are so many solid jokes at the expense of Uncle Sam. Take a read and join us in chuckling over the expense of the institution that is the U.S. Army. 

  1. Acronyms at their best:

ARMY — a recruiter misled you

2. This low-blow at boots on the ground:

What do you call kids in the military?

Infantry.

army soldiers training
U.S. Army Soldiers attending the Special Forces Qualification Course conduct tactical combat skills training at Fort Bragg, N.C. The U.S. Army John F. Kennedy Special Warfare Center and School conduct the SFQC year-round. (Released) They clearly could use some Army jokes to lighten the mood.

3. Getting cheesy:

What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.

4. When backtalk is still funny:

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure were a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”

5. Past careers come to light:

Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?

He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.

6. Training done right:

A drill sergeant grumbles at his fresh young trainee, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Private.”

“Thank you very much, Sir,” replies the soldier.

7. The laws of nature: 

If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with baggy green skin.

Army soldiers with green paint on. Army jokes suggest soldiers should have green skin
U.S. Army soldiers of the 3rd Bn., 87th Inf., 4th. Div., armed with M-16A1 rifles, guard the perimeter of the Red Devil drop zone during an engine running offload (ERO) exercise with members of the U.S. Air Force reserve. A C-130 Hercules aircraft is taxiing on an unimproved runway in the background.

8. Pulling rank:

During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

“Your car stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.”

9. A macabre play on words:

Overheard at the VFW, “When I was in the Army, I got both my arms shot off.”

“I shouldered on, anyway.”

10. A trip down memory lane:

Son: Dad, what was your favorite day as a soldier?

Dad: The first time I sent some private to find batteries for the chem lights.

11. A difference in opinions:

The company commander and the sergeant were in the field. As they go to bed for the night, the first sergeant said: “Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”

The commander said: “I see millions of stars.”

Sgt: “And what does that tell you, sir?”

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?”

Sgt: “Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent.”

12. Getting punny:

What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army officer?

A flat major.

These jokes poke fun at the largest military branch to date, we can all slap our knees at its expense. Whether you’ve served or just enjoy a quick chuckle, these jokes are bound to brighten your day.

Have some great Army jokes to share? Tell us below. 

Articles

4 subtle details about Nazi Germany you missed in Jojo Rabbit

Movies are an art medium where every frame can answer a question before it’s even asked. The clever use of symbols, juxtaposition or a turn of phrase can lead the audience down a rabbit hole of their own interpretation. In some movies, the symbols are more obvious, such as the little girl wearing a red coat in Schindler’s List who symbolizes innocence.

These hidden clues are easier to spot in dramas because we’re subconsciously expecting them. We’ve accepted they should be there. In a comedy, however, they’re easy to miss because we aren’t ready for depth. Jo Jo Rabbit is a comedy about a little boy who joins the Hitler youth in Berlin with his imaginary friend Adolf Hitler. At face value, the movie pokes fun of Nazi Germany, but there are a few subtle details that offer a deeper look into life on the other side.

(Warning: spoilers ahead)

Mother’s cross

Which military branch are you?
Screen capture- TSG Entertainment

When Fraulein Rahm (Rebel Wilson) says, “It’s a great year to be a girl,” after saying she’s had 18 kids and would rate an award called The Mother’s Cross. At face value, it’s a tongue-in-cheek joke that there is a lot of cardiovascular value to a woman’s place aiding the Reich. Hitler really did approve and encourage the procreation of more soldiers for the party. Although she isn’t wearing it in the scene, she would have rated the highest tier of the award after her seventh child.

Hitler doesn’t smoke

The real-life Hitler loathed smoking and wouldn’t allow it in his presence. Yet, in the movie, he offers Jojo cigarettes. During the 1940s, if you were old enough to work, you were old enough to smoke. Since Jojo never met Hitler in real life, he would never have known this. The offer highlights how little the main character knows about the real dictator.

Captain K may have been a spy

Which military branch are you?
Screen capture- TSG Entertainment

At the start of the movie, Captain Klenzendorf says he lost an easily winnable battle due to the incompetence of the Nazi High Command. In reality, the micromanagement by general officers and Hitler himself did play a decisive role in losing the war. Yet, when you hear Captain K state how much he loathed their meddling, and now he has to train the next generation of soldiers, he says he’s using actual grenades.

It is suspicious that when one does blow up it fails to kill Jojo at point blank range. Are they practice grenades and he’s just saying they’re real? Was Jojo just lucky? Could Captain K have sabotaged his own mission? Is he attempting to sabotage training? It’s a stretch if that were the only piece of evidence.

The isolated incident could’ve just been a coincidence, but when the Gestapo raid Jojo’s home, the Captain was on his way to warn him. That scene confirms he is part of the resistance. How long was he part of the resistance? It’s plausible that he was a member from the start.

Real-life espionage has inspired other Hollywood films like Valkyrie and Inglorious Bastards where there is an active resistance against the Reich. So, although many people followed Hitler, there was also a handful who went against the grain.

The Rosa-Winkel

Also known as the inverted pink triangle, the Rosa-Winkel found on gay concentration camp uniforms. When throwing “undesirables” into the camps, the Nazis also had a system of identifying which undesirable group they belonged to. When Captain K makes his last stand and reveals his true colors (literally), he and his partner both have them on their uniforms. The film hints at their sexual orientation and then confirms it without distracting the audience during his last stand. He no longer has to hide that important part of his life. To put it simply: pride.

Feature image: screen capture- TSG Entertainment

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