In every parking lot on every military installation is a bumper sticker that reads, “not all heroes wear capes!” It’s a great message and all, but it’s always fun to speculate what life would be like if each branch of the U.S. Armed Forces was a superhero. What super powers would they have?
So, in a completely tongue-in-cheek response to a nice and sweet bumper sticker, here’s what the superhero branches would be.
Powers: Generic super strength, speed, and durability.
Weakness: Entirely bland.
The largest and most self-sustaining branch among the Armed Forces would also be the most run-of-the-mill superhero.
In comic books, nearly every protagonist who gets superpowers pretty much just checks off the standard hero boxes: super speed, super strength, super durability, etc. Now, this doesn’t make for a bad superhero, but it’s also not the most interesting. A perfect fit for the most average branch of the Armed Forces.
Weakness: They are a gigantic douche about it.
Every branch has their own form of aviation, but the Air Force is almost entirely defined by their ability to fly.
Sure, there are superheroes that can fly and shoot lasers like the
BRRRT A-10, but no one is really impressed by their abilities — except the Air Force.
Powers: Control over the seas.
Weakness: Everyone thinks they just talk to fish.
The Navy is far more powerful than anyone gives them credit for. Too bad the rest of the Armed Forces mock them for the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun.
This is not unlike D.C. Comics’ Aquaman.
The average moviegoer probably thinks the peak of Aquaman’s power is having a conversation with a few fishy friends. Nobody ever mentions his super strength…
Weakness: Shooting is all he knows.
Every Marine proudly takes to their mean, drunk, fighting-machine stereotype. They are damn good at putting bullets and mortars in places they belong… but that’s about it.
Thankfully for the Marine Corps, there already is a hero that embraces the stereotype and proudly rocks his Eagle, Globe, and Anchor. That’s right: The Green Lantern.
Oh, yeah. And The Punisher.
Weakness: No one cares.
Coasties are a part of the Armed Forces. They’re not always attached to the Department of Defense, but they’re still brothers-in-arms. The Puddle Pirates are out there constantly fighting the good fight, but no one really gives a damn about them. If they are remembered, it’s by other vets mocking them for being essentially the Navy National Guard.
On the bright side, at least the Coast Guard has one superhero: Spectrum, whose superpowers vary greatly. One of which she, coincidentally, shares with the U.S. Coast Guard – not being noticed.